Friday, 30 October 2009

jin and i were talking about how horrible it is that some things in hall just don't change; for example, like always using bashes to do fund raising for hall events [quoting jin, 'but it seems eusoffians just simply cannot live without bash']; that changes have to start from the management, not the small-fry employees, for them to matter; whether using bashes to fund-raise is really a feasible/thoughtful/lucrative method;

and then one thing led to another and we started discussing about hall and marginalization of it's occupants/inhabitants and i thought of this post i wrote, a very long time ago...



but after reading it,
i think to myself,

have things changed?

here it is:
-----------------------------------
One of my hall friends came under the spotlight recently after blogging a post in which he modeled the hall social system after the south Indian caste system. He said earlier on he was inspired by the mathematical logic-sets diagram I had posted earlier illustrating the social relationships of the 3 major groups of people in our hall:

















I applaud his wit, effort and bravery, but it is not without caution that he should proceed, because of his standing, which is a sensitive one. Both he and I should be cautious, simply because we are not in the best of positions to produce any literary material on such subtle precarious things that eusoffians have been holding on to. Some skeletons are simply meant to be left kept inside the closet.

Perhaps we have all know of this, we have all lived with, perhaps some of us, complained, expressed with a bitter distaste, with disdain. But it has been a system underlying the fundamental functioning of our hall, which is, in itself, a mini society. Without all these so called ‘law’s functioning, our hall would not be functioning well and supporting the so-called ‘livelihoods’ of us hall residents as of now.

But perhaps these sensitive matters have been kept silent for too long, and it is time for the skeletons to be taken out of the closet, because they have been collecting dust inside for too long. The time is ripe for us to bring things out in the open, to question, to search, to answer.

Contrary to what I had earlier believed, the difference between hall and non-hall residents [for eusoff hall] doesn’t seem to be the simply the fact that hall residents stay on campus. Even for those who stay in hall, and those who stay in non-hall residences, there seems to be differences in terms of prestige, status, etc.

What I had earlier believed, was that members of hall are a subset of university, as shown below.



This implies that for those staying in hall, their status would be as follows: their status as a student of NUS comes first, followed by their status as a member of so-and-so hall.

However, the actual reality seems to be closer to the diagram depicted below:
For some members of hall, the identity and status as a member of so-and-so hall is closely tied to that of being a student of NUS. For some, being a part of his or her fact in fact is more important, i.e. they would identify themselves as members of their hall first before identifying themselves as part of NUS. I suspect that this sense of identification and belonging to hall has something to do with the fact that students who make up the hall community are closely-knit due to various activities they do together.



Firstly, members of hall stay in the same hall share various facilities such as the laundry room, kitchenette, toilet and shower areas. It is without doubt that communal living would bring members of hall closer to each other. Daily activities such as having meals and even brushing one’s teeth in the washroom are chances for social interaction. All these work together to help a hall member integrate to become a part of the hall community.

The second point also happens to explain the difference between being a member of a residence and a member of a hall. It has been part of the practice of the school and hall administration to organize various competitive activities that require the participation of hall members to win prestige for the hall they belong to. These activities include the annual rag and flag, the inter-hall games, and various hall productions. These provide avenues for hall members to get to know each other, to exercise their expertise and demonstrate teamwork. The process of working together for the sake of hall also inevitably bonds the hall members together and gives them a sense of belonging to their hall. On the other hand, there is no requirement for members of residences to participate in any similar activities, which explains the different attitudes of hall members and members of residences when it comes to their sense of belonging to their hall or residence. This also explains the level of prestige associated with being a member of a particular hall as compared to being a member of a residence.

Within hall, there is an underlying hierarchy system due to the level of prestige attached to different activities and the differing emphasis of various halls.

For example, Kent ridge hall is known as a cultural hall. The hall places a high level of emphasis on cultural activities, thus there is an accompanying high level of prestige attached with being a member of e.g. their performing groups such as choir and dance, and those who are involved in activities such as the annual rag and flag. This relates to the high level of desirability of being a part of such activities, which in turn explains the long queues of hundreds during the rag interviews.

On the other hand, halls such as temasek and eusoff are known as sports halls. These halls pride on being able to produce competitive and strong sportspeople who win trophies and bring glory to their halls during the inter-hall games. It should also be noted that a large number of the sportspeople from these sports halls also represent the university in inter-varsity sports. The system of these halls explain the reason why sportspeople in these halls are placed right at the top of the hierarchy system, because they command power and are able to produce what the hall wants.


Within halls, the social standing of members is determined by 3 major factors. These are power, priviledge and prestige. Power is associated with being able to have influence over decision-making, and being able to benefit from decisions. Priviledge is associated with the availability of chances, quality of life, and material advantages. Lastly, prestige is closely tied to titles and social standing.

Within eusoff hall,
the social standing of hall members, as i have observed from the allocation of hall points, seems to be as follows:

-----------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, 29 October 2009

today,

i went to class because i wanted to drink the avocado milkshake from arts canteen and if i dont go to class i won't bother to lift my butt from the seat so i went to class but when i reached there the lady told me they were sold out

and then because i changed a bag i forgot to transfer the contents of the bag into the other bag and when i dug into the bag all i found was a pen [yay] and i opened the cap and tried to write and i realised it was the leaking-ink pen [not-so-yay] and my fingers and hands and paper was smudged all over with ink and yet/thus it could not write [=(]

and then i washed my hands and i went back to my seat and dug into my bag again and realised i had no other pen or writing tool and so i used my liquid eyeliner [i dont use it much] to write the notes for my lecture today.


okay, i know i'm tragic/sad/weird.

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

i like to listen to songs on replay.

just loop it and play it again and again again and again and again and it's just one song just the same old song listen to the different parts in the song the lyrics the lead the melody the bass the harmony the tune the beat the feel the jive the groove the emotion;

just loop it read the lyrics again and again again and again it's just those few lines just the same old lyrics memorise the different lines in the song because sometimes things aren't what the seem maybe the lyrics don't mean what they seem so i read them again and again sing them again and again memorize them until i feel sick until they can't get out of my head;

just play it again and again, again and again until i lose all enjoyment of it until the marginal utility drops to beyond zero until i get so sick just a mention of the song makes me froth at the mouth until i heard it ring in my head until i dream and i dream of the tune


i like that.

got a problem?
---------------------------------------------
if you have no problem,
just for your info,
for your info

[if you don't care it doesn't really matter to me actually]
as of now, at this very moment, this is on replay in my head:


They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control

They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that' s fading away

You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times

But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...

No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can't ewait, I can't wait, I can't wait...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away

Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive

I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Tuesday, 27 October 2009



cutest couple photo ever!

a happy marriage and many more children to come,
tablo and kang hye jung!
i wanted to write a post,

on how i feel about deepee,
about my worries, my disappointment,
about my hopes, my anticipation, my desire,
about my excitement and my happiness,
about my fears, my inadequacies,
about feeling out of place,'
about having no friends,
about insufficiencies,
about regrets,
about...

about a dozen things.

but nothing came out right.

all i can say is,

oh, like hall,
deepee to me

is such a bittersweet thing.

sometimes i almost feel tears brimming in my eyes,
and the taste is lingering on the tip of my tongue,
but the corners of my mouth are turned up,

so i'm not complaining.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
i wish they used this kind of music for DP.
because i think,

it would be awesome.




----------------------------------------------------------------
if i had one wish
for now it would be
for me to go back to year one and audition and get into june's dance,

because 3 years of deepee and no other dance has moved my heart like hers.

but i am no dancer;

i dance,

but i am no dancer.
i am not a part of them.

if things happened,
if time could turn back,
then things would change;
my friends would be no longer,

and i would be,

no longer.

Monday, 26 October 2009

my body does not take to liquor kindly.

i drink a little, my face gets red, i get embarrassed [by my redness], i don't feel/get drunk at all, and i feel sick/like puking already. it's like getting 'drunk to drown your sorrows' is pretty impossible for me because before i hit the 'drunk' button limit my stomach has rather automatically tied itself in a knot and spewed/attempted to spew out all the nonsense crap i sent into it via my mouth. and even if i don't puke, i still don't get drunk, i just feel sick and disgusted, and it doesn't make any troubles go away; it's only adding to my worries.

sometimes secretly i envy those people who drink like mad, spew all kinds of nonsense shit [be it puke or their troubles or secrets or sorrows] out on the dirt/at the friends/on the floor, lose consciousness and just fall blissfully asleep. [and have their friends clean up after them]


it just doesn't happen.

at least not to me.

------------------------------------------------------------

today i saw cek gu, finally, after a super long time, and it was a super fantastic feeling.
i was late, and kind of flushed and pai seh, with my huge bag and everything;
he saw me, gave me the standard surprised-wide-eyed look,
and then he said,

'eh! haven't seen you for damn long.

and then he gave the thumbs up wink thing he always does,
and then i was secretly pleased with myself,
like a small kid,

and then i thought to myself,
what a nice familar feeling.

i hadn't seen him with desiree together before,
but i'd always thought they were a compatible and adequate couple,
in more ways than i could explain in comprehensible english/language.
and secretly stealing a glance at them across the table,
while i was talking to jess/meiyi/jerm,


i felt this really strange warm, fuzzy feeling.
i think it was happiness.

---------------------------------------------------------
it's not that i'm intentionally avoiding or trying to forget;
really, that would be nonsense crap/bullshit/bollocks
but even if that were really the case/situation,


i mean, how to?
places i go there seem to be reminders of you,
and people ask me how you are

and i smile and i sigh [inwardly sometimes]
and i give some kind of vague/noncommitant answer,
and i think to myself

why can't they ask you?

does it look like my face has/i know/i have the answer?

what a funny thing.
---------------------------------------------------------
because i didn't want to end the post with some stupid emo thing about you,
because i read this online somewhere and i think it's awesome,
and because i personally have nothing witty to say,

here it is:

Sometimes we put up walls
not to keep people out
But to see who cares enough
to knock em down

Friday, 23 October 2009





“You were almost here. You should have taken just one step more…”

watching the most recent episode of 'you're beautiful' just reconfirmed/reminded me of the feeling that i'm falling for the 'second-best-always' complex again and/but sometimes i can't help but/to think that it's such an overused and cliched kind of element that they just have to inject into idol dramas to make female viewers slam the table or/and look forward to every next episode but undeniably i have plunged head first into it, with no turning back.
Admittedly i am growing to like the first male lead better, somewhat, but i doubt it will ever resemble the fondness for the second-best/lead as things are for now.



but what makes things more heartbreaking?

sometimes as much as you try, some things are just out of control.

[on another note, i am somewhat enjoying/looking forward to thursdays and fridays and drama recaps of this series because the characters are interesting, the acting rather decent, though the plot somewhat overused. the whole girl-disguised-as-guy-forced-by-circumstances situation has been played through and through 8753234567 times across japanese/taiwanese/korean idol drama contexts yet viewers/scriptwriters/directors/tv broadcast stations seem to have undying faith that it will continue to draw viewers.]

sometimes you just fall for the same crummy old shit all over again,
don't you?

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Bob Marley


i just have't met you yet.

Thursday, 22 October 2009

today i looked at my reflection in the mirror when i just woke up,
and then i thought to myself,


MY PAU-FACE LOOKS DAMN CUI, HAHA!






read this off somewhere:

HUGGING
  1. Eases tension
  2. Fights insomnia
  3. Keeps arm and shoulder muscles in condition
  4. Provides stretching exercise if you are SHORT
  5. Provides stooping exercise if you are TALL
  6. Offers a wholesome alternative to promiscuity
  7. Offers a healthier, safer alternative to alcohol and drugs
  8. Affirms physical being
  9. IS DEMOCRATIC, ANY1 IS ELIGIBLE FOR A HUUUGG

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

we,

you,

i,

hurt ourselves to make us feel alive;
eat too much to fill up empty spaces in time;
take drugs, get high, to hide the boredom of life;
wear nice clothes to conceal how ugly we really are;
love others to make up for the inability to love ourselves;
smile all the time to cover up for the tears/hurt deep inside;
walk around, go about telling ourselves we lead a 'meaningful' life

really,

what is all this?
------------------------------------------------------------

what makes your breath stop?
your head turn
your world spin
your/the tears fall
your mind go dizzy
your stomach lurch
your heart skip a beat

oh,

but why.

----------------------------------------------------------
i was a semi grumpypants at work yesterday and there was nothing i could/can do about it.
i could have been more friendly-looking if i tried but of course if and when there were customers and while i was serving them i attempted to act in less of a grumpypants manner to the best of my ability, given the limitations of my state of mind at that period of time.





i'm just waiting for my pay day to come.

and also for the essay fairy to miraculously finish my essay while i am at the loo, doing my laundry, showering, disposing of lunch, warming up at dance pract later , or having a nice nap.
any time would be convenient, really. just come, and get it done on time.

i would really appreciate it.

i can offer you milo in return.
or whatever i have in my fridge.

i don't know what fairies eat. do they eat anything?

oh, whatever.

-------------------------------------------------------
if i slowly took away one bit, after one bit of the happiness in my life
[eating meat, for example. or whatever that makes up some happiness]

what would happen?

if A, B, C, D, ... Z makes you/me happy,
and if i take away A from your/my life,
would you/i still be happy?
let's say you/i are/am.

if i take away A and then B from your/my life,
would you/i still be happy?
maybe you/i still are/am.
[largely, or at least, not sad yet]

but slowly,
....
....
if i take away A, B, C.....Y from your/my life,
would you/i still be happy?

would you/i be happier, even?
would you/i appreciate Z more?

but
would you/i slowly lose your/my mind?
would you/i miss the presence of A, B, C.....Y,




or would you/i end up feeling more like you/i want to die?

what happens, really?

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

my first day back at the dojo after very long.

it's much easier to be back if you have a really good friend, and an encouraging and accepting and forgiving sensei, of which both [rather luckily] i happen to have.

no questions, no hesitation, no delay, no denial.

i dont know how long i will do this,
or how long i can do this,

but let me enjoy my youth,
and let me do this

as long as i can.

--------------------------------------------------------------
i would ask you if you're okay, and whether things are fine, and whether you are still alive [i know you are, probably, duh] and everything but it's just like if something happened to you 743234567890987432134567 people would be there for you and care for you and ask you if you're okay, and want to know if you're alive, and all these things...

but really, what am i doing/thinking?


sometimes, i just want to ask,

'why are you so troubled? why are you so sad? what's bothering you? and all....'


sometimes i just wish i could tell you

'i wish you could/would/will be happy, always.'


but that would break the promise i made to myself,
and that would make things difficult for you,
it would contradict what i asked of you,
it would cause more trouble.

but

i mean, i cant' deny,
it does matter to me, more than i wish,
whether you're alive, and happy,
and everything.

but

i'm not the person you need, im not the person who can offer you help, i'm not.....
as much as i would like to be, would try to be, it's not that way, and so....
i should stop trying to be already.

but

can i give you solutions?
can i give you help?
does it/i really...
matter?

not really i guess.

so

it's just that i guess it's too late/not up to me to say these things/anymore?
what does it matter? these things.....



it's difficult.
it's just so difficult.


why should i bother if you're sick, you're sad, you're lonely, you're emo, you're tired, you're overworked, you're not sleeping enough, you drink too much coffee, you're not eating enough

or not?




why can't it be that it didn't matter to me whether you're happy or not?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
andy warhol said,

'they always say that time changes things

but you actually have to change them yourself'

Monday, 19 October 2009

Sunday, 18 October 2009

god, mother mary, jesus, allah, buddha, shiva, 大伯公,土地公,观音,关公,阎罗王,
弥勒佛 and/or whatever gods i have accidentally missed out in my frolly [in no particular order]
whatever/whoever great power that reigns above us helpless/vulnerable/useless civilians,

i know i should be thankful im in weijie and aiting's dance,
but please 保佑我 so i can get into rasul and nicole's dance as well,
so i can be in at least 1 dance that's the same as melody tham ying xuan.

yes i know it is a good opportunity/sign for me to get to know new people
but for my final year in hall and DP i would really like to sink in
back into my comfort zone, and get to know those,
who i didn't get to know well enough, better.


i know i never went to church/temple/mosque much,
never offered flowers/offerings, incense much,
have been agnostic for most of my life
[and will remain largely so, sadly]

but i ask that in urgent times,
you will 大发慈悲

and grant this useless, small, insignificant human being,

this minute, tiny, insignificant wish.


amen/阿密陀佛/whatever.
-------------------------------------------------
some people asked me where i am working and i got tired of being asked/evading the question/trying to answer in an interesting manner so here it is:

the decor is awesome, the food is pretty decent, prices so-so-
and if you must, really must find me at work/eat there,
try to eat with me there, or when im on shift,
cause i can get you 15% discount.

Location:
Singapore, Singapore, 187940
Phone:
63335915
Mon - Thurs:
10:00 am - 11:00 pm
Fri - Sat:
10:00 am - 12:00 am


Saturday, 17 October 2009

i can't pretend that i'm not disappointed that DP won't be in esplanade this year,
but it's more of an 'ah, expected' kind of situation than an 'ah, so sad' one.
though i'm not in a position to say/do anything/criticise,
sometimes i really feel like saying

'ah, see, i told you so-'

whatever the SYYAA+lohjoonkit/management/upper level people are doing,
as long as it's good enough/works for them/makes them happy, that's fine for them,
but to go to the extent of offending people so badly that people want to boycott deepee,
it's really....

really rather sickening.

great aspirations, great ideals, dreams, aims, goals, ambitions, whatever.
yeah yeah, that's fantastic. swell, amazing, smashing exciting really.
but [you/we] need to get your feet back on the ground,
and think, like, hello, seriously, will it work?
to make it work you gotta start early,
so like, did you? did you really?


cause it's not working now, obviously.

sigh.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
i haven't been going much to kendo training lately,
and to be bluntly honest it is because i am rather reluctant to.
tests, assignments, exams, work, hall commitments, family commitments, blah blah yada yada yes i could have 12345678976543221123456789 reasons why i don't have the time for it but honestly speaking i will make time for it if i want to, so really the bottom line is,

i am having doubts.

as selfish as it seems,
at this point of time,
i feel that i should and do have the choice and liability, to decide for myself.
because i am no longer holding any responsibility or position, my own training is my own responsibility. and if kendo is not my priority now, then i will choose not to train/go.

and as much as i would like to lie,
i cannot deny that it is at least partially because i am rather disappointed? with the way how some things have been done/are being done and some people have turned out/are. about double standards, discriminating changes in expectations/people, etc....these things i am no longer in a position to comment or change so i choose to remain silent and just fade out, because this is what should be done; it is no longer my time/my era/my liability/responsibility.

and rather sadly, actually,
i am enjoying this small break away from the dojo and some things/people.
yes kendo is still important to me, yes if anyone criticises it or people who practice it they will definitely get [at least] verbally thrashed by me, but really,

now's not the time for me anymore.

i want to fade out into nothingness,
focus on my studies/earning money,
and enjoy the last year of my hall life.

selfish as it is, and i do apologise for my selfish-ness,
i no longer want to carry the burden of the school's reputation on my back and have to compete in competitions; i don't want to have to enter gradings with the aim of attaining a certain grade so it will enable me to return to school after graduation to train with the juniors;

and i remain uninspired by those who attempt to inspire/encourage
because they only remind me [rather painfully] how things were
when they were in the position to be inspired/encouraged
and try as i might, they remained unconcerned.


it's funny isn't it.

now the tables have turned,
and now,

these things/this,
is no longer of my concern.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
the little one told me yesterday rather excitedly that he was contemplating telling me a secret that would [apparently] make me very insanely happy if i found out but i was in quite a foul mood so i didn't really bother responding or guessing so in the end he didn't tell, and i didn't bother.

i think i know what it is already.
on the bus back it suddenly dawned upon me.
i wasn't really thinking about it much, at all.

but i don't know why, it just suddenly occured to me.


if it really is what i think it is
[and i'll find out soon enough]
then okay lor, i guess.

there seem to be fewer and fewer things that can make me happy lately.

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

i hate msn emoticons/smileys/whatever.

whatever the hell does ':)' or '=/' mean?
i know this must have been the nth time i've said this already,
but countless times i still find myself staring at my handphone,
or my computer/laptop screen, perplexed, trying my best [rather sadly]
to decipher whatever hidden/or not message that has been sent to me.

it'd be much easier if people spoke their mind,
didn't censor their thoughts/actions,
just did/said what they wanted.

it would probably result in loads more of faces being slapped,
tears being shed, friends being lost, hearts being broken,
fight breaking up, people losing their minds;
but also i think it would reduce the regret-
whatever little regret
doing or not doing
no regret;

at least i/you wouldn't have to waste time/wreck your/my brains over what the hell you/i are/am trying to say/really actually mean/are/am thinking.

just a-

'i like you'
i love you
i hate you
i miss you
i want you
i envy you
i despise you
i think you're cool
i want to forget you
i think you're stupid
i don't care about you
i think you're awesome
i think you're just insane
i hate you just go away scram
i wish you would be here forever stay

whatever it is,
whoever it is,

just for a day,

[i'd like to]
be stupidly honest;
[if you] ask [me] a question,

i'd like to answer it with all/in all my truthfulness and with honestly,
however vulnerable, however unacceptable, however inappropriate,


i'd like to say the truth.

-------------------------------------------
for a day, ask/be asked [anyone] a question,
tell/be told a/the answer,

and don't lie.

don't lie.

it's not that difficult.

it's a funny thing because like some things in life follow a really funny trajectory.

it's like a flu;
when the first wave hits you,
it's like BAMWHAMBAM and then you're spawled on the floor,
sniffing, mucus all over, can't breathe, can't smell, can't eat anything [properly]
and you just feel miserable and you think you just might/want to die and everything.

and then like before you know it
you're all better already[or so you think]
and you can focus on eating and smelling and breathing
and you don't use as much tissue as before and you're okay
and you can feel you're alive and you're doing other things like normal,

but then it dips rather suddenly,
[though not to as bad as it initially was]
and then you feel it still in you, the virus, lying, quietly
and you're still not over it, not fully, not really, not for good,

you won't be over it for a very long time.
not for quite a bit of time,
not for good,

you think.

it's really not easy.

-----------------------------------------------------------
yesterday i was asked [again, though not for a long time],
'do you love yourself?'
and i found i couldn't really give the socially-desirable answer,
not without lying to myself, so i fibbed and kind of did yet didn't.

it felt faintly reminiscent of a conversation some time ago,
when someone asked me,
'can you do me a favour?'
and then i said, what is it?
and that someone said,
'love yourself/have more confidence in yourself from now on'

it's not that it doesn't matter,
it's not that i don't want to,
it's not that i don't care,
its not that i don't try

sometimes,
somethings,
just like some people [myself included]

are beyond [my] control.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

so what's there not to be happy about?

i have meals to eat,
a bed to lie on, a blanket to cover,
enough money to spend and save,
music to listen to in my spare time,
books to read, a [decent] school to study in,
a couple of [good] friends to hang out/depend on,
respectable parents and loveable sisters to live with,

there's really nothing not to like.

it's funny,

because even with all the wonderful/nice things you are bestowed with in life,
you/i/we are/am/are still able to pick at the small nittygritty details,
small disatisfactions, unpleasanties, occasional imperfections,
and be all grumpyfrumpy about it and complain about

and even easier it is,
to be unsatisfied,

with how imperfect you are as a person,
all the friends, the family, the books, the food aside
all these things aside,

it is even easier to become preoccupied with how starkly apparent it is [to me]
in countless ways, in multiple aspects, throughout life,
how imperfect, [i am], a person is.

would you love me if i were prettier?
would you find me cool if i were smarter?
would you choose me if i could run faster?
but really [what] does it matter?

and/but ultimately

it's not about you, him, her, or them or whoever;
it's besides the point, beyond the problem;

from the beginning,
from the start,
it was always me,

just me,

me,
me,

and me.

sometimes i think, even,
that it is a crime to be imperfect and yet be alive.

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

i suddenly realised i borrowed the wrong materials to write my essay so i cannot write anything yet, as of now, unless i depend on wikipedia and other net resources. blah. so i'll have to head down to the national library again, probably before work tomorrow.

not that i dislike it, actually.
i actually quite like the smell of libraries.
the shelves and shelves and shelves of endless books.
the busy librarians pushing trolleys and shuffling around,
the rather-frumpy-looking security guard sitting at the entrance,
people slumped asleep in various poses,on couches with books lying open on their laps,
or students furiously highlighting their notes and frowning rather privately at their TYSes.
the occasional tone and announcements reminding people to keep the library a quiet place.


i could sleep/camp in the library if i wanted/they allowed it, really.

what's there not to like?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

i don't know what to write.
some days you just feel like writing something,
but there is nothing interesting or witty to say.
but you just feel like/insist/want to do it.

it's really nonsense.

i'm losing touch.

sigh.

Sunday, 11 October 2009

i hope ai ting chooses me
i hope ai ting chooses me
i hope ai ting chooses me
i hope ai ting chooses me
i hope ai ting chooses me
i hope ai ting chooses me
i hope ai ting chooses me
i hope ai ting chooses me
i hope ai ting chooses me
i hope ai ting chooses me
i hope ai ting chooses me

[it would help if i was in the hiphop dance by that supposedly-really-zai-year-1-guy too]
i won't wish for anything else this semester,

i promise!
'can i ask you something now since there are still customers here and we're not closing yet?'

'huh, what.'

'what's your favourite colour?'

'what?!?- ... ....'

'okay, don't tell me your favourite colour, tell me what you don't-'

it's wonderful the conversation got cut off prematurely,
because honestly i don't see where it would end.

---------------------------------------
for a moment there,
standing,

i just really felt like slamming my pen down on the counter and saying 'i quit'

which really doesn't make sense cause i wasn't angsty/angry at all.
it's not like im suffering some intolerable cruelty/injustice
not that im very unhappy/upset with the conditions
not that i hate/greatly despise my coworkers

it's just that sometimes i wonder,
'why am i even here?'

lethargy drives very weird thoughts.
---------------------------------------
just a little bit more effort,
just a little bit more time,
i think things could get better,

maybe go back [almost] to normal,




and i think/wish i could talk to you then.

cause i'd still want to know if you're alive,
cause i'd still want to ask you

'how are you'

and stuff.
---------------------------------------
it's not working, it's not working, it's not working.

the irony of things is that i know it so well.
this feeling, this place, the things that trigger these...
these things.

i know it so well.

and yet i can't bring myself to deal it/cant seem to pull myself out of it

it's like going down a slippery slope with no end


need to try harder.

Saturday, 10 October 2009





I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave

And its me you need to show

Chorus:
How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
Youre the light in my deepest darkest hour
Youre my saviour when I fall
And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do

And its me you need to show

How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

---------------------------------
i know some people think the bee gees sound gay and prissy,
but when their voices harmonise it's just amazing.
and the bird and the bees' cover of this
plainly put, in a very brit kind of way,

'lovely'.

and this is like the oldest love song ever.

Thursday, 8 October 2009




















































your love,
her love,
his love,


my love.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

i've never felt age was an issue;
to me it was always some kind of frustration,
that if people thought i looked younger than i was,
i always felt i was being looked down upon,
having had to be taken cared of,
or being inexperienced,
just plain noob.

somehow or someway or another, to my chagrin,

even if i see a cute freshie guy in hall now,
they're at least a year younger,

and i'm not really the kind of cow to eat young grass.

ah, passing youth.

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

admittedly i am rather pleased at myself for actually bothering to find a f&b job and putting up with it throughout the past month [keeping my parents in the dark no doubt] despite the horrible travelling distance and somewhat less-than-satisfactory pay,

and finally yesterday,

my first paycheck!

not bad for the first month, i must say.
but considering Mr. tan's birthday is just around the corner,
i have to find some fantastic-amazing-out-of-the-ordinary place where we can eat.
the other daughters seem to not have been planning anything though. i really don't know.
so i'll have to set aside some money for that. and also i think money to buy my mom something for her knee. the way she walks now sometimes it hurts me and i worry if i'll be able to take care of her/be there for her when she's older and when things deteriorate and sometimes i wonder if i should even move out [but that's another issue to worry for another time altogether and i dont even have the money to live outside so that's not a eminent concern]

i don't know, she says she's taking calcium supplements and stuff already and it's already too late, the damage in her kneecap is beyond salvage blah blah she'll just have to tolerate the pain but there must be something i can do?!?

:(:(:(:(:(

my mother my mother my mother :(

okay so some money for that.
or something to make her happy lah i dunno what.

and then with the remaining ....
either i buy multi-vitamins for myself to supplement my no-animals-diet,
[which is actually supposed to be accounted for by my sister, for my birthday present, but given how skilled she is in procrastinating and how reluctant she is to leave the house, and also how busy she is with the A levels and all, i reckon i won't get a bottle till next year]

or i save it and i learn driving,

or.....

I WANT TO BUY ALL/SOME/ONE OF THESE.

DIE =(

1. diana pinhole camera:
pros: it's on sale at uo.com it's a whopping 25USD cheaper than the original price.
cons: i have a diana nightcap brand new in box unused already.






















============================================

2. Lomofisheye2

pros: i definitely want a fisheye. it's been permanent pain since i sold off the fisheye traveller [at a good price no doubt]. fredflare.com is also havig 25% off storewide, which means i can get a brand new one at cheaper....
cons: ever since i saw and didn't manage to get a second-hand one going for $70 i have not really been ready to pay anything higher than that for a fisheye2. even with 25% storewide there is NO WAY a lomofisheye2 will be going for anything close to $70. $100 is more like it, heh.





















=================================================
3. Diana-back

pros: i got the diana nightcap already, just buy this and wo-la, i get a fujifilm instant-lomo camera! awesomeness! it's available at fredflare so the 25% applies too. and if the price tag for a brand new one is too hefty i can always get it from lomotion forum; a guy was selling it mint condition, used once only, with 1 pack of 10 shots fujifilm instax at 130. good deal?

cons: will i use it? should i wait for the bunch to try to prototype polaroid film? i got a quite reasonable polaroid with very nice box already.
will polaroid film make a successful comeback [and the prices of polaroid film finally return to humanely-affordable prices? cause $2.50-$3 for a single piece of polaroid film is insane! fujifilm is like $1?]


















===================================================
4. lomo ring coloursplash flash
pros: need it. for some weird reason my coloursplash flash seems to be faulty =/ i almost want to sprout hokkien vulgarities already. damn it.
and it's going on sale at uo.com for a rather reasonable price. but shipping might cost a bomb...

cons: do i really need a fancy coloursplash flash? i guess the past few months without flash i have been surviving rather well. just take pictures in the day/light loh. and so many different colours for what? the red one just looks morbid and the yellow one weird.
























==========================================

okay, i also might conclude that i not buy any cameras/accessories cause i already have too many cameras for my own good, not enough money to develop the film and not enough time to play with them.

i could save the money to visit J in philly, or HC in japan.

sigh.

decisions, decisions, decisions.

damn it already.

as long as i dont use too much of it to buy clothes,
anything should be fine lah.
------------------------------------------------------------------
you don't need to be smart for anyone, you don't need to be nice for anyone, you don't need to be pretty for anyone, you don't need to put eyeliner for anyone, you don't need to take care of yourself for anyone, you don't need to study hard for anyone, you don't need motivation for anyone, you don't need to have a dream for anyone,

you can do it all, [for] yourself.
you can do it all, [by] yourself.


this,

all this,

i know already,

but it makes things easier, [somehow]
when you're doing it [for/with], someone else.


[i], can do it all, [for] myself.
[i], can do it all, [by] myself.

------------------------------------------------------------------
for the past 2 weeks while my sennheiser headphones was suffering from malfunction in 1 ear and i lost my really-lousy sony ericssion-comes-with-handphone-free-earphones,

it was like hell on earth everyday.
i felt like my best friend had died;
bus rides were long and horrible;
there were all kinds of weird voids and spaces that would seep into my life
and my mind would start drifting off and i would be thinking of all weird and stupid things

finally today,

my friend came back to life.

Monday, 5 October 2009

i'm pretty happy cause i got my money back from the horrible scammer [finally, all of it] but kind of ambivalent cause everyday i get emails and sometimes smses from distraught girls pleading and asking me for help in dealing with her

'is there any way you can help me get my money back?'

and as much as i want to help them, it's kind of really wearing me down,
cause the police don't seem to be doing actively much [it seems]
and then on my side i can't do much and really,
am not obligated to do so either....

i mean, i made a police report, started an email updates thread, and advised them countless times to lodge a police report to make this a more strong case but still i get girls telling me 'oh no should i make a police report what if i cant get my money back'

first things first
justice above all, even money in this case;
when i lodged the report i had lost all hopes of getting my money back.
i just wanted to make sure this horrible woman gets her just desserts.

the case is bigger than is seems. now the count is 100? girls? and i dont know how much money involved.

maybe finally when the police really do something and that naomi woman is jailed or put in court, TODAY or like the new paper will finally contact me for a small comment on a side column or something.


so much for the media, or even the police, being the avenues/advocates of/for justice.


sigh.
-------------------------------------------------
thinking of giving up eggs as well, but eee says there's not much point; the eggs we eat aren't fertilised/have no embryos in them or whatever so they're not like helpless little lives that we're very horribly gobbling.


maybe i could give up something else.

sigh.

-------------------------------------------------
i like it when people say i'm hot, that i look good with eyeliner, that i look pretty in that dress, yada yada yada, but more than all of this, like a lot more, i would like it [a lot] if people liked me even without my eyeliner; with my very-cui-super-stressed-by-deadlines-didn't-sleep-well-therefore-pimply-and-lumpy-eyelids-face; if people liked me even without my so-called-so-beautiful-and-straight-hair, even without the nice clothes in my wardrobe and all.

but it's stupid,

because nowadays if i go out i have to put on eyeliner.
unless like its my mother and we're going to the pasar or what.
i've become conditioned to do it now i just can't go anywhere without it.
i mean, [its contradicting what i said earlier but] if you can look good, why not?
like duh.

would anyone go to lengths to look horrible?
not unless you're trying to test or prove something i guess.



'you look hot with eyeliner but i still like you without.'

i guess that's too much to ask for these days,
and nobody gives compliments like that.

so i will still put on eyeliner,
and as for 'cui face' days,

they are reserved for my mother.