Thursday
and a happy 1000!that's a whole lot of posts for a blog, the 1-liners and video posts aside.
sometimes when i'm bored i actually read my old/older posts,
[goodness i seriously have nothing better to do, ha!]
and [secretly] i do think to myself
'goodness, [why] did i ever write/think like that?! GROSS! haha.'
'why was i ever like that? why did i ever like that?'
and probably a dozen other thoughts/doubts/surprises/outbursts/sniggers
like horrible bowl haircuts;
like kindergarten candy;
like awesome dreams,
like a colourful movie,
like youthful folly,
somehow i'm grateful for all these things
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these days/holidays seem to crawl by slowly;
you know, like how they say when you're with someone you love, a day seems to fly by,
but when you're at your job, a second seems like a crazy forever.
it's like these days; it's days like these
that we're reminded-
sometimes it gets unbearable;
so cold all you wish for is another warm body by your side;
sometimes all the small things;
seem to be little bits of whatever's left of your pride;
yet
sometimes it feels thankful for all the mistakes made;
sometimes it feels okay even despite the heartbreak;
the same cold night can be warm and inviting;
the silly bits of pride just need some piecing;
and these things that sometimes you don't give too much thought to;
like deciding what to order only till you reach the counter;
like taking the first bus that comes to that bus stop;
like going on a holiday with nothing but a passport;
things like that; like that, things-
however sad/painful/unbearable/unforgettable/unforgiveable
slowly by and by,
strangely,
[though someone [important i think] said,
'they always say time changes everything but you actually have to change things yourself']
they actually do get better,
even if you don't really do anything.
somehow everything just changes.
maybe not everything, but something
somethings just change.
and slowly bit by bit,
as the scars on the kneecap heel;
the pimples on your face go away;
the bumps on your forehead cease to swell;
and the sneezes don't come quite so often anymore;
you smile and think to yourself,
one day i really will be okay.
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i'm thankful for how this music is making me feel really okay tonight.
Wednesday
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weijie's dance is pretty awesome, and i love aiting's genre,
but
so this year it's no hiphop all contemp =(
SAD =(
Tuesday
now that my fisheye 2 is here, [which i am really rather excited about] the next goal will be to get a diana instant back, which will probably burn a hole in my wallet. but that won't be so soon rather, i guess, considering that the diana f+ nightcap is still brand new in packaging, unopened, untouched.
i'm quite happy that i've used up all of the plastic wrappings and recycled all the parcel envelopes i've kept from purchases; it's like a sign for me to start online shopping [for clothes] again but i'll see how long i can put this off until maybe after a while when i come back from shoppingland.
looking at my schedule i like that it's somewhat packed but not quite so bad;
somehow it feels nice to be busy;
you know you can't complain;
'there's nothing to occupy [my] time' just doesn't suffice;
yet there are moments that i wish i could just sit/lie and nua endlessly....
and also,
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i felt rather miffed about being distrusted about things as such. maybe it wasn't distrust; upon clarification it really wasn't; might have been oversensitivity on my part, but still-
things like these, that are delicate, that i thought we had mutual understanding on-
i was disappointed, with the lack of faith.
but i'm glad we talked about it;
about our insecurities,
about my certainty,
because really,
if we don't state our stand and make things clear,
we can't be really good friends.
i'm just glad everything worked out well, and things are out in the open now.
and in the end this is what i said[or something like this]:
'platonic friendship requires a lot of trust.
maybe not understanding, because you may think that the guy i like is a bastard, or i may think that the girl you like is unreasonable; but what we need is real trust in each other.'
to have trust.....
is a difficult thing.
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there's nothing much to say;
i guess everyone is doing okay
everyone is doing fine
everyone is well;
[i hope] time has toughened [me] up;
look forward already!
and stop dwelling on senseless mindless things!
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i miss yeeeee because i have no one else to do the '=<' face to already
Sunday
grading.
i haven't trained much this semester, but i went there, did my best,
and speaking objectively, apart from all other factors,
and am happy with my/the grade.
i would say that jesse senpai predicted well,
and both nono and i did rather well/okay.
i even got complimented by wenhao,
which is an honor [to me],
though it was a ki-ai compliment.
and unlike some others, who attribute their success at last-minute study attempts/flukes to their god/gods protecting them or a shot of good luck supporting them,
i had/have no god to pray to,
[and i dont believe or need one, thank you,]
and not much good luck on my side.
[at least not these days]
i just maintained a clear mind and performed at standard and obtained the grade.
though i may have lacked training for this semester, i believe my performance/the performance itself at grading was definitely worthy of the grade.
i would love to be excited and really proud of it, but it's hard to be that way, because there are a multitude of factors affecting how i feel [rationally and emotionally] about grading in general, the grades obtained by various people, and how the grades were allocated.
i guess it's complicated, because from a long time ago, since i was new in kendo, grading was something that i did not know how to approach/expectation/what kind of mentality to have towards. clearly i was not and did not believe i was someone as good as wenhao senpai to be able to jump from 5th kyu to 1st kyu in 1 single grading [and he really deserved the grade];
sometimes i even worried if i would fail if i got paired up with a motodachi who could not give me correct and comfortable ma-ai;
other times i seriously feel like i dont understand/know what the panel/shinpan are thinking, because from my point of view, i find that after so long i am still rather ambivalent about the concept of grading itself and putting a label, i.e. n kyu to a person's capability/worth in kendo.
and, evident to me, so cleanly,
some people's standard in kendo is really not justified by their current grade.
likewise,
a person's grade may not be justified by his/her normal standard/performance in kendo.
how can x and y have the same grade? how can w jump n grades [when clearly w is no where as outstanding/good as wenhao senpai; i.e. not so outstanding amongst the grading group, which is the criteria in order to jump grades]
it doesn't help that people say,
'oh you should have graded that time; lots of people were 'bumped up''
or
'oh you should just go for grading, don't miss it, should grade consistently';
and i wonder,
'if i had graded during that time would i have been bumped up?',
'if i had not missed those gradings due to being overseas/busy/worried about not being able to pass, would i have a better standing now?'
where would i be now, really?
really sometimes i wonder.
but not that it matters really.
i know the 'ultimate aim', ideally, is to achieve shodan before graduation, so i can join the shodan seniors to come back to nus and help train the juniors, but at the current moment there are other pressing matters, like my CAP and possible job outcomes for example; i can't say for sure kendo will be a priority in future.
and i figured there is no way of resolving the 'grade may not be justified by worth' issue so the best way to treat it is to gently push it aside, because i have fulfilled my promise to peter sensei; for all the things he has taught me/us and for the wonderful sensei he has been i have tried to keep to the 'shodan ultimate aim'. whether i achieve it in future/near future will be another matter but the fact that i am working towards it [when before i was ambivalent] already marks a change.
these things aside,
it's time to really accept the mindset of training for myself,
as selfish as it seems;
because club matters, like encouraging people to go for grading, going for training consistently to set a good example, ensuring that events and matters run smoothly, or performing at competitions/shi-ais are
really no longer of my concern/not for my worrying anymore.
should just take a nice break,
and return to the start;
when i was fresh and brimming with hope,
free from politics/pressure/the burden of extra duties,
when all i thought was,
not to get medals, not to win others; not for sensei, not for the club;
purely, simply, just for myself;
'i want to become strong'.
i know jesse senpai said nono and i are fine and we'll do good and everything but
why do i feel like it's my first time?
wish me good luck, alright?
Friday
today wz and i found out that dynasty warriors 6 is an awesome way to spend time.i almost died from 'overexposure to sheer awesomeness'
and boy,
my fingers [and thumb] are hurting badly.
[but no one's complaining, HEEHEE!]
Wednesday
MY FISHEYE2 CAMERA IS HEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAWESOMENESSSS WOOOOHOOOO
just in time before YEOH YEEEE goes off =<
WE GONNA TAKE MANY MANY PHOTO LIKE CRAZY
=<
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