i can't pretend that i'm not disappointed that DP won't be in esplanade this year,

but it's more of an 'ah, expected' kind of situation than an 'ah, so sad' one.

though i'm not in a position to say/do anything/criticise,

sometimes i really feel like saying

'ah, see, i told you so-'

whatever the SYYAA+lohjoonkit/management/upper level people are doing,

as long as it's good enough/works for them/makes them happy, that's fine for them,

but to go to the extent of offending people so badly that people want to boycott deepee,

it's really....

really rather sickening.

great aspirations, great ideals, dreams, aims, goals, ambitions, whatever.

yeah yeah, that's fantastic. swell, amazing, smashing exciting really.

but [you/we] need to get your feet back on the ground,

and think, like, hello, seriously, will it work?

to make it work you gotta start early,

so like, did you? did you really?

cause it's not working now, obviously.

sigh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

i haven't been going much to kendo training lately,

and to be bluntly honest it is because i am rather reluctant to.

tests, assignments, exams, work, hall commitments, family commitments, blah blah yada yada yes i could have 12345678976543221123456789 reasons why i don't have the time for it but honestly speaking i will make time for it if i want to, so really the bottom line is,

i am having doubts.

as selfish as it seems,

at this point of time,

i feel that i should and do have the choice and liability, to decide for myself.

because i am no longer holding any responsibility or position, my own training is my own responsibility. and if kendo is not my priority now, then i will choose not to train/go.

and as much as i would like to lie,

i cannot deny that it is at least partially because i am rather disappointed? with the way how some things have been done/are being done and some people have turned out/are. about double standards, discriminating changes in expectations/people, etc....these things i am no longer in a position to comment or change so i choose to remain silent and just fade out, because this is what should be done; it is no longer my time/my era/my liability/responsibility.

and rather sadly, actually,

i am enjoying this small break away from the dojo and some things/people.

yes kendo is still important to me, yes if anyone criticises it or people who practice it they will definitely get [at least] verbally thrashed by me, but really,

now's not the time for me anymore.

i want to fade out into nothingness,

focus on my studies/earning money,

and enjoy the last year of my hall life.

selfish as it is, and i do apologise for my selfish-ness,

i no longer want to carry the burden of the school's reputation on my back and have to compete in competitions; i don't want to have to enter gradings with the aim of attaining a certain grade so it will enable me to return to school after graduation to train with the juniors;

and i remain uninspired by those who attempt to inspire/encourage

because they only remind me [rather painfully] how things were

when they were in the position to be inspired/encouraged

and try as i might, they remained unconcerned.

it's funny isn't it.

now the tables have turned,

and now,

these things/this,

is no longer of my concern.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

the little one told me yesterday rather excitedly that he was contemplating telling me a secret that would [apparently] make me very insanely happy if i found out but i was in quite a foul mood so i didn't really bother responding or guessing so in the end he didn't tell, and i didn't bother.

i think i know what it is already.

on the bus back it suddenly dawned upon me.

i wasn't really thinking about it much, at all.

but i don't know why, it just suddenly occured to me.

if it really is what i think it is

[and i'll find out soon enough]

then okay lor, i guess.

there seem to be fewer and fewer things that can make me happy lately.