my first day back at the dojo after very long.

it's much easier to be back if you have a really good friend, and an encouraging and accepting and forgiving sensei, of which both [rather luckily] i happen to have.

no questions, no hesitation, no delay, no denial.

i dont know how long i will do this,

or how long i can do this,

but let me enjoy my youth,

and let me do this

as long as i can.

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i would ask you if you're okay, and whether things are fine, and whether you are still alive [i know you are, probably, duh] and everything but it's just like if something happened to you 743234567890987432134567 people would be there for you and care for you and ask you if you're okay, and want to know if you're alive, and all these things...

but really, what am i doing/thinking?

sometimes, i just want to ask,

'why are you so troubled? why are you so sad? what's bothering you? and all....'

sometimes i just wish i could tell you

'i wish you could/would/will be happy, always.'

but that would break the promise i made to myself,

and that would make things difficult for you,

it would contradict what i asked of you,

it would cause more trouble.

but

i mean, i cant' deny,

it does matter to me, more than i wish,

whether you're alive, and happy,

and everything.

but

i'm not the person you need, im not the person who can offer you help, i'm not.....

as much as i would like to be, would try to be, it's not that way, and so....

i should stop trying to be already.

but

can i give you solutions?

can i give you help?

does it/i really...

matter?

not really i guess.

so

it's just that i guess it's too late/not up to me to say these things/anymore?

what does it matter? these things.....

it's difficult.

it's just so difficult.

why should i bother if you're sick, you're sad, you're lonely, you're emo, you're tired, you're overworked, you're not sleeping enough, you drink too much coffee, you're not eating enough

or not?

why can't it be that it didn't matter to me whether you're happy or not?

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andy warhol said,

'they always say that time changes things

but you actually have to change them yourself'