watch as NTUC and 7-11 fight for my favour in this war of convenience stores.
dualpoly or oligopoly or perfect competition or monopolistic competition.. or just monopoly..

im guessing that NTUC will win hands down. its the furthest but its so near now that i can walk there in less than 3 min.. goody. sorry 7-11 this is the announcement of my betrayal. except when i have those cravings for comfort food..
mashed potatoes..




sigh.

woah. woke up with a splitting headache. pain pain pain pain. or maybe its just in the mind..
sigh. la la la dee dum.

these few days have been a weird experience. feeling like im a character in a taiwan long-running tv drama soap opera is really an understatement..
feels super weird now at home.. cant bring myself to study. but i have to, right? i mean, life goes on.. even if... and i still have to take my common tests.. my prelims... my A levels..

i wonder if zhen is having fun i australia. you know, my mom said that when i was young, i always liked to imagine that i went to australia. or i wanted to go. very badly. :) haha. that i rmbred. then she also said i wanted to go to iceland. you know why? cos theres ice there mah.

kids say the darnest things...

i miss zhen.. i miss annoying her. sometimes i think im the younger sis in the family. i always like to annoy her... ask her to talk to me.. sit with me and just talk talk .. when all she wants is to reread that fantasy noevl that she has read n times already.. and she gets so annoyed but my persistence always lets me get my way.. almost always anyway.

bingxi was talking to me just now about listening to parents and being obedient and stuff..
i guess i was rather a good kid. not?...




i want to go out for dinner. dun want to eat dinner alone at home..
sigh.

omg. i just added m&ms into my yoghurt. ha ha. very weird but nice taste.
:)
im gonna mug once i finish this ok? ha ha. yawn. econs is super hard. i think i ll have to read through chapter 15 and 16 at least n times [where n = infinity] so that at least i can understand whats going on... sigh.


must go back to school later for skill B spa. so weird. sigh.
T_T
yesterdays prep talk with the teachers was useful yet futile. if u get what i mean. :(
obviously the teachers wun change la. put on nice smiles and pretend to be receptive but once we give our suggestions they ll pretend to consider them nicely smile and slam us/ shoot us down in a nice gp essay format kind of way. whatever.

it was kind of disgusting doing that worksheet thing. having to list out the things i have done for the comm and the choir, blah blah blah

i mean, come on. i dun type choir minutes and send encouraging emails because i want to get points from it, i do it cos i like doing it. cos i like the comm, cos i want to do sth for them/us not cos of whatever leadership points involved here..
so disgusting
but im disgusted with myself cos i still wrote down the stuff anyway.

sigh.
starting i guess it was really cos i was living in that state...

a philosophical extract:

soren kierkegaard believed that human life is based upon three spheres of existence between which we have to choose: the aesthetic, the ethical and the religious.

choosing the aesthetic sphere lets us in for a hedonistic life of pleasure seeking, for a constant striving for novelty. this choice is motivated by the dread of boredom, and is a flight frm despair, but is doomed to failure. evetuanlly we fall prey to despair and melancholy.

choosing the ethical sphere lets us in for a life of submission to duty and obligation. but eventually this leads to a loss of autonomy, and thus of genuine moral responsibility.

the last sphere gives us the phrase 'leap of faith'. it involves a submission to god that is somehow consistent with and even necessary for true freedom. this is beyond rationality and is typified for kierkegaard by the story of abraham and lsaac in the judeo-christian bible.


i think all my life i ve been passing to and fro between the aesthetic sphere and the ethical sphere. going to school because it is my responsibility as a student to do so, doing my homework because i have to do so... sigh
starting off when i was in the comm things were rather dreary. it was more like i did things because it was my duty to do so and since i am a 'man of my word' or woman with integrity and responsibility, i would carry out my duties as i should have done so/ should be doing so..
helong ash did not comr to me so naturally

it seemed evident that she had the burden of the world on her shoulders and despite many people paying lip service to her, it was clear that no one really helped her. i felt kind of bad. driven by guilt i suppose, so i offered to help. i didnt do much, just some small miscellaneous things but im glad to have been at least of some little help to her.. :)

and as i got to know her better we grew closer and became true friends. and after that helping her became even more easier simply because she was no longer just my boss but also a friend close to my heart... and she is so fragile.. :) u just want to hold her carefully and protect her and be there for her...
the role of the secretary is to support the president because the president has a really heavy load to carry. :) and u cant let her fall. NO WAY!!!!!

sigh. there are a lot of things i could have done better.
but i m confident that i did a better job than chung. ha ha. :) XD. cos he didnt set a very high benchmark for me in the first place, ha ha. :P oh well.

it was nice of thom to say some things... and ben also. they didnt launch into a monotonous rant / glorification of what they had contributed for the choir etc etc. ha ha. i know some pple did it but its not on purpose, it was just the nature of things during the meeting yesterday. but it was revolting. quite a bit. i m sure so and so didnt do this and that so that he or she could prove that he or she has effective leadership, or because he or she is helpful...
that worksheet is total crap. i d rip it apart if i could. but i hate to admit but i still need the points and the words of recommendations from the teachers.

im disgusted with myself.
always having conflicting ideals, conflicting desires, needs, a conflicting will...

sigh. at least now things have come to full circle. and im about to step down from being choir secretary of choir comm 2004/5...
i want to thank the comm, for better or for worse [quoted from thom], because through the many conflicts, troubles, events, things stuff we did together, i ve grown and matured and come out of the comm as a better person. what an experience! looking back, if given a second chance, i still would have submitted that form and ran for secretary

i am blessed to have known and worked with everyone of you, though some more than others.
gf, you know what i mean? *hug*
and i ve made some friends also..
:)



choir comm 2004/2005.
we were elected for a reason.
its because
we are good. :)

sigh. i cant believe i just spent 1 hr online looking for a new blog temp. and i still cant find a satisfactory one. please please any pro person please help me make one. ha ha. i got so many pics i want to use..
sigh.
today lessons were dreary as usual. rained a lot. and i felt like sleeping a lot also. so nice..
i wont settle for anything less. urgh. when will i get my dream blog temp.. neverrrr

*yawn*

last year, this time.. what was i doing? mugging for common test one? lolx. :) choreoging the comm dance aka super lover only in vain...lolx still vividly rmbr thomas slapping his thigh with a look of digust/delight. of course the disgust was from our faces, the delight from his.

boring gp again. im ponning gp tmr. i dun care XP.
whats the bloody point in writing an essay. u shuld only ever write if u feel strongly abt sth. write to gain points? why do an easy question. i want to do the hard one. even if i cant get the marks... grr. but i itch. its like everytime i see those surely-will-die-so-hard-to-score-controversial questions i will just feel this miraculous force attracting me towards it..

and i can ponder about the question for ages. do research, read up... so interesting.
sigh. but i cant score, evidently.

why dont they let me take chinese. im much more fluent and coherent in my mother tongue. ha ha.
:P whatever.
i refuse to submit to this nonsense. i am a chinese and chinese language will be my one and only.lolx

of course now i dont want to get anything worse than B4 for the big As... xian. :(

im starting to get obsessed with pop art. no no not all types. good examples of my fav type r done by local artist ping lee, who calls herself pinglet. also v good are mike wall some other fella whose name i forgot




my spirit longs to fly on the wings of love [eros] to the eternally true eternally beautiful eternally good world of perfect ideas... and not be chained my my imperfect body.

im starting to understand what plato felt.

if i have more inspiration maybe i ll blog more.




lots of blanks to show im thinking


ps. my sis got a proper job and a really nice bf! XD he calls her everynight. i ll bet hes the hen pecked type. just as well for her :P haw haw. :) yay. so this is proving that i wun be the first in the 3 of us in line to go married, as everyone seems to believe.
not true.
even though i particularly love kids. omg. ha ha
XD yay.

udating upon the request of my dear gf. who happens to have went offline. =_= so why am i updating? because im waiting for hui hui to send me the ppt for the physics presentation on aurora.

aurora is a brilliant flash of colour/light u see at the northen hemisphere
dunno the physics of it, but our graduation night theme was aurora. i thought it was pretty nice.
*shrug* no big deal that it was held in the school hall, because all the girls were dressed to the nines anyway. lolx like some big competition going on.

T_T is it really worth it to spend so much money so u can look good for just a few hours on a ceratin day?

anyway, im digressing. haha. :)
went downstairs to eat 7-11 mashed potato. yumm :D. ha ha. listening to dancing in the moonlight now. been trying to find a place to download mika's carrot and whip but its so new that no website has it.. hmmm but i dun want to buy the album just for that song leiz/

im having trouble with my reason and my senses. which one do i believe more?
i think im more a sense person than a logic person. but are equally important...
plato based his philosophies on his senses
but aristotle relied much more on his reason.

is it more imptt that 1+1 = 2, or that what i perceive of that object is that it is green?...
:) mind broggling thoughts. so fun!!!. ha ha. kind of exciting.

my sis dug out my other sis's old fantastic female albums
wow. havent heard them for ages. like jennifer paiges' 'crush' and olive's 'im not in love', macy grays 'try'... ha ha. so many songs. :) 3 albums!!
and i ve always wondered why mtv nvr came up with a similar album but for males.
like, erm
'marvelous males' or sth. ha ha. im sure that would stick :P. :)

try to say goodbye and i choke
try to walk away and i stumble
though i try to hide it, its clear
my world crumbles when you are not there!!! [she sounds super muffled here]

lolx. macy grays voice is ever so amusing. mimicking it should be some fun novel activity. ha ha.
on the other hand, i think her songs are kind of nice too... :) and shes a single mom. not easy for her... you go macy!!! ha ha.

is it ever possible that you can love someone else more than yourself? other than god, for those who believe in god. hmmmmm
essentially it should not be possible if one were to base this on the assumption in the form of this chinese saying, ren1 bu4 wei4 ji3 tian1 ju1 di4 mie4. means, if one doesnt put his/her interests first, the world would crumble and diminish. hmmmmmmmmmmm

i suppose if u love someone strong enough, you would want to give up everything for the person. but that is, if you love strongly enough. another mind broggling question.

i was reading through sophies world again when i noticed sth very special
this guy, emperdocles. [490-430 B.C.] said sth really interesting.
he believed that nature consisted of four elements. earth, air, fire and water. all things on earth were made from these elements but in varying proportions. basically, nothing changes. what happens is that the four elements combined and separated, in the case when a living creature is born and when it dies.
he believed that there are two forces at work in nature,
he called them
love and strife.

love binds things together, and strife separates them.


he sounds like a romantic. hmmm. i ll talk more about the era of romantics next time.
what do you think? :)
i think i want to read up more...

shall blog more :) ha ha.
i ve been pondering on what freud researched and said... but dunno why maybe think too much i havent been having any dreams lei. =_= diaox. ha ha so how to decipher. or maybe i have but i cant rmbr. so not fun. ha ha.
i want to dream.... how to tap on the subconscious?... to reach a state of surrealism?...
to get past the red tape and tap into the deepest darkest desires within...


love binds and strife separates.

the fact that i exist takes priority over what i am. existence takes priority over essence.
satre says that man feels alien in a world without meaning.

just a small bit from 'sophie's world'. a fabulous book. i think i ll reread the whole damn thing and try to do a summary of the central thoughts and philosophies of all the philosophers included...
i was particularly interested in marx and freud. freud is a sick fella but he is damn brilliant...


have you ever noticed the absence of sth? like when u sit at the cafe and wait ages and the person u re waiting for just doesnt appear? you never notice anything around you because nothing is as imptt as the person u re waiting for...
a central point in sartres philosophy.
we are partly instrumental in deciding what we perceive by selecting what is significant for us.

sometimes i sit on my bed staring at my phone waiting for that sms that im expecting but never seems to come. its absence seems so significant to me...

enough of philosophy.
i had a craving today so i finished a medium sized bar of choc all by myself. den i felt fat so i decided to run/work out. one hour non-stop of sweat and water and lactic acid
damn good. i feel so good.
havent done this for ages

i truly am an adrenaline junkie. *bleah*
haha.

back to philo. my life has been = philo , for the past few days...
freud say sth very interesting. after studying his patients and analysing his own dreams, he came to a conclusion that all dreams are a form of wish fulfillment
agreed. to some extent. but i cant rmbr most of my dreams anyway

enough le. a lot for u to think. :)

woke up this morning on time. go up grudgingly and tired to pack my bag. couldnt find my chem notes or my voice. i found some weird croak in return. i swear i can sing bass today.
so i sat and stoned on the sofa while my spirit drifted back to bed...
i was feeling so upset and so tired i went back to sleep

i know im bad.

so i slept. woke up at 9.15 feeling slightly better. ditto why nowadays i always wake up feeling hungover. =_= but i nvr touch alcohol!!! even though i think if i could afford it i would... ha ha. maybe

im feeling so bad. sigh i missed physics SPA and comm meeting today. sigh i should have gone to school. you know i felt so guilty that i wanted to go to school just for the meeting den come back to sleep the whole day? sleeping is calming. *yawn*

i used to be the model student lah, not in terms of grades but small things like coming on time, attendance, paying attention in class.
sigh, now im like coming late for school, not coming at all, or sleeping through lessons cos i stayed up the whole night [almost] doing those damn tutorials ...

im lacking the motivation to go to school, dammit. *sigh*
it does not help that it seems like i can study better at home. at home alone i can finish 3 tutorials [relatively difficult ones] at one go in like, say, 4 hrs? when i sleep thru the double lectures in school and have to go home to reread the stuff

sigh sigh. im showing signs of rebillion.if my parents knew...
they are teachers. what do you think their response would be?

i ll never be a teacher. its far too much stress on my kids, if i have any.


i should be a housewife. den after i do finish my chores i can sit around and just look at people walk by and think meaningless questions and unuseful thoughts and observe the world around me. i like doing that. ha ha wait. that was what socrates did. but he did a lot more

la la la. sohpies world, here i come. after that, *sigh* more tutorials...

sigh. i cant believe dr tan pang seh me and nvr open his clinic. so i had to go to this loh guy. =_= but he seemed nice enough ") oh well...
my voice likes to play hide and seek with me. and my range is rapidly expanding. good?

sigh

feeling a bit off today. *sigh* i felt so tired and so unsure that i wanted to rest my head on anyones shoulder, just anyone. luckily i was sitting on the window seat so my here rested against the window pane. lolx :) saved me from embarrassment. :P

interviews were draining. i realise pple dun know what it means to take over my job. they think its just collecting biodata forms, doing up the notice board. *sigh*. so this is what i get for adding so much value to my job. you know what i ve done and you just ignore it. sigh sigh.

i realise that my job can be super slack. so why didnt i slack off? damn, maybe i should have. haha. but im not the type. not saying im good but just frankly i m the type who does a job and does it well...
if you want recognition for a job, this is not where to find it. if u want to know, i think only the comm really appreciates my efforts cos so much of what i do the comm sees... esp my dear gf. sigh. slog so hard and this is what i get.

but true, tammy says im not the type that works for recognition.
i dont
but you do, am i right?


im getting insecurities like any stupid girl.

Its been quite a weird surreal experience these few days of my life. Like not quite like what I imagined it would be, but in some ways, totally unexpected. Am I making sense to you? that doesn’t matter. :P bleah. *sigh*
Its like im feeling weird cos im panicking like mad sometimes then like super happy suddenly sometimes then suddenly brood sometimes like never before. Actually I have felt like that before, but this is different. So much more severe. Or maybe im juar becoming a woman. *sigh*

I always like to think that I am a person. Not man, not woman, not boy not girl. I am but a normal person. :) I am ashs gf, the girls [sops] big jie jie who is nice to bully, friend of many etc. sometimes I am girlish sometimes I am guyish. I guess I tend to be guyish in front of girls I tend to want to protect them and not let them get hurt, girls being vulnerable and stuff. In front of guys I have no need to be guyish but I dun think im girlish either. Frmph.

Qiu han said, to a guy, a girl acting guyish and being like frank and straightforward and bro bro is very cute. =_= are you serious? Sigh. I hope I dun look fake. Im just, finding myself. Im not even very sure what im really like. All I know is that I ve changed a lot and am still changing. *sigh* did you know sighing is a form of stress relief? Haha. :)

While everyone is at the vj concert I can blog and do my chem. Tut in peace. No no I like talking to pple online, esp. erm haha I shall not say anything :P but its nice to be alone for a little while to ponder and reflect and find myself.

I realized that tools of technology are used very differently by guys and girls. To guys, they probably only ever msg if there exists the need to. On the other hand, those girls in my class who are attached only ever seem to be msging all the time. Can expect they would exceed the 900 free sms per month. T_T but im not so sure im much better than them =_=

But its not their fault. By nature, this is the way things have been. Women lack the sense of security and they look for it in a man. Previously it was a stable home and a breadwinner for the family. Nowadays, things have changed, but the need for assurance and security remains. Or so I assert. Hah. Sounds like a gp essay. How fun if I could write on this kind of thing. :P haha.

Spent the day walking around like a zombie. Shall not sleep too late or else will fall back into the vicious cycle of insomnia. *sigh* then poor sida fell sick and asked me to help him with the costumes and stuff. I was annoyed that he shuld chuck me everything last min [im being frank here] but the letter he wrote was so- *sigh* so I was soft hearted and I calmed down pushed away my anger and msged him and told him ok, and get well soon.

Not bad. :) and I felt good about that. Im sure If I were sick I would need someone like that to help. :) its nice to know theres someone there. And fel was so nice she helped out so much. And of course bingxi, who ponned gp to talk with me in the choir stall and we talked a lot about some heavy stuff, some insignificant stuff and some other stuff. Then ben came :) and he joined in for a bit before he left for Chinese.

And Thomas dare say he cleans up the stall. So dirty, I couldnt stand it I ignored my chem. Tut and got up and started sweeping the floor emptying the bin etc. ha ha. And bingxi was horrified to see me cleaning when he came back from pe. But I was delighted with the fruits of my labour.

If only I had the choir stall key I swear id revamp it like I wanted to when I ran for secretary last year. Haha sorry if I offended hua cheng by saying the stall was dirty. Lol

Den I went to meet Diana.
on the bus trip to j8 a really good looking guy got on. like handsome. sigh. but how come i can say it without feeling any normal feelings of excitement or whatever like normal girls do? maybe because all i can think about is...
anyway, he was really good looking. so why didnt i feel... erm... haha.
maybe once your heart has settled on sth, nothing else can change it or move it...hmmmm
then i met diana outside cofffee bean

Then we walked around and did lame stuff and I ate and I ate and I ate like mad. Haha like I havent eaten for a month or sth. So bored. Lol. Den we went to 7-11 and I wanted to try out this hot chocolate thing so I took the plastic cup and pressed the button but I pressed too long the thing nearly overflowed lolx so we couldnt cap it properly and it spilled all over the place lol it was so hilarious and so diu lian and so pai seh I couldn t stop laughing

Diana is a nice junior :)


Yawn. Nothing else leh. I think my life is quite shallow. Get happy easily get sad easily.
The other day when two people were playing push of war with me [one person wanted me to go out wif the other and vice versa =_= you know who u are] I stoned online and wasted away the morning. Then I took bus to a secret place [:P cant say yet] and stoned. Its a really nice place. Super big. Has nice soft toys and nice beds and nice food. Ops said too much. Then I stoned a bit trying to beat the working pple to getting a seat at the BK there but I lost. So I sat on a bench near the lift and read sophies world. Brain draining. But it was as if a lock in my brain had been opened and I kept having new revelations and new ideas flowing and new questions appearing. I was dressed so sloppily I felt so comfortable.

I know lah, I was supposed to go out to take pictures, but no special feelings lei. Nothing evoked a special feeling in me so I thought I was going to go home empty handed-
Then as I walked home from the bus stop I loked up and saw the elderly couple who stayed downstairs also walking home. I felt some weird feeling and I realized my nose was watering and I realized I felt touched.

It was the way he held her hand and guided her very slowly, waiting for her to catch up with him, never forgetting her or leaving her behind. Even though she walked so slowly, even though she was so old, even though she was no longer his young and pretty wife.
He still loved her.

*sigh*

Its the small things in life that makes living worthwhile, dont you agree? :)

if i were a bird and i could fly away, where would i fly to?....
if i were a fish in the deep blue ocean, where would i swim to?...

i dont think i ll ever be happy just staying in a cage or just swimming around in a pond...

haha. hello :)
i woke up today feeling slightly woozy like i just recovered from a hangover [i swear i did not! T_T]
and feeling particularly wise. as if i had attained some new revelations from life.

i cant rmbr what happened yesterday before i was having dinner so dun ask me i dun want to waste effort thinking it wastes my brain cells and burn calories... wait thats good... argh im too lazy to use my brain
haha. sort of like tai shang lao jun inside houshin engi aka fengshengyanyi.
i wish i had some sort of 'lazy sleeping bag' just like him... got some breathing machine inside, got air con and warmer inside, made of the most comfortable material... blah blah.
im so lazy i think i almost forgot to breath. ops

haha. thats cos i suffered from overusage of brain cells yesterday.. let them idle around in my brain for too long, den suddenly use them to think very hard... haha. the book i was reading was such a killer... haha. you know 'sophies world'? i like philosophy. :P cos religion is not that close to me and science is rather... dry. haha so i like philo... :) but its brainbrogling. istheresuchaword? lol :)

i know its rather impossible but i actually woke up feeling like qiu han. haha. i tink
:) its like now im feeling nice and warm and snuggly. wait... more like i woke up feeling like shes right next to me, talking to me now... la la la. shes so... wen rou :). *sigh*
on cold days like this i only worry about three things
1. where is my blanket so i can snuggle up and imagine shes talking to me
2. where is my gf she must be feeling cold i hope she has a blanket too i want to hug her :)
3. :P cannot say. haha

i realised a lot of things.
like i realised that 18 is not the age to have a serious relationship. its not feasible because generally guys and girls mature at different ages and at different rates. at 18 i think most girls are over the dreamy i want a prince to come rescue me stage and are ready for sth more serious... for guys i think mayb it has to take more time for them to get settled... i think if i were a guy i wouldnt want to settle down so early... haha play a bit more mahz :P

the difference between a man and a woman is
a man would want the woman he loves to be happy when he is feeling happy
but all the woman needs to be happy is for the man to be happy...

Aristotle once commented that he was more inclined to believe that women were incomplete in some way; a woman was an unfinished man.
or sth from the bible... :
'at last here is one of my own kind-
bone taken from my bone, and flesh taken from my flesh
woman is her name because she was taken out of a man.'
that is why a man leaves his father and mother and is untied with his wife, and they become one

i also realised that love doesnt change. you dont fall out of love. haha. after talking to bingxi and ben and my gf [*hugg] they gave me a lot of insight to the word 'love'... its concept, its traits... and a lot more. feelings change but love never ever does. its nice to know that. haha. so if i say i love you now and i mean it my love for you wont change ! [gf :)] feelings change but love remains

the more i change the more i think that fundamentally man and woman need each other
its a basic most instinctive need.
man will be searching for that bone, that piece of flesh that came from him...
without it he will feel empty, he will feel incomplete
the woman completes him. [this an extremely warm and heartwrenching thought. haha :)]
woman will feel lost... without man.
because she needs to find the person/place where she came from... that will be the only place that can bear her, that can accept her because that is where she originated

all this is so extremely touching. haha. to me lah.
thats why i like to see old couples sitting together and holding hands. *sigh* its just so... heartwarming... :)

but...
love binds and strife separates...

la la la. i shall try to finish that book. before it kills all my brain cells...
haha.
socrates plato aristotle are becoming my friends. haha. :)
why couldnt i study philo instead of physics? or chem? or maths? or econs....
its so much more.... i dunno.... filling. its like so deep... so probbing... i want to know more... i want to ask more questions... i want to find out... why why why

sometimes i feel like resting my head on someones shoulder. haha. that is when i am the most vulnerable. it doesnt matter who. or where. as long as you come up to me and offer your shoulder i think i ll just rest my head on it and want to love you forever... haha. maybe :P

girls are vulnerable creatures. i think. i see.. haha. :) my gf is so vulnerable..*hugg*

guys are idiots. you dont need presents or letters or some long complicated courtship. haha. all u need is to be there when the girl feels vulnerable and she will love u and rmbr for the rest of her life that u were there when she needed someone the most and that thought, just that notion is sufficient to sustain her... for forever. haha. for most girls anyway.

it feels rather weird cos most pple dun blog abt this kind of thing so openly
but love is a rather lovely word [dont you think?] that people are afraid to say out loud...
why?
i wonder why....

i dont think im mature enough to love in a special kind of way yet. haha
:) what about you?

okay its sunday morning. haha. *sigh* im still worried about you-know-who [actually its a lot of people but i still worry despite knowing that me worrying will not help anything bleah] and you-know-what/s

frmph. lets start with yesterday morning.
i slept from 7 the night before to 8.3 yesterday morning and i woke up feeling groggy and tired. sleepy also. but quite energetic. its like when you owe ur brain a lot of sleep and suddenly pay your brain back the total number of n hours all at one go your brain is overwhelmed and its caught off guard. haha. maybe.

i stoned a bit and sat around. i was determined to do work. but surprise surprise i did not get any work done. oh well. *sigh* i watched the clock dreamily as time ticked away and waited so i could meet my dear endomorphine at 12.30 to lunch wif her but she suddenly called to say she had to study for tests so cannot. :( boohoo. haha. but we would meet and talk a little and she would lend me her court shoes.

then i left the hse at 1.00 to take 13 to her hse there, at the other side of bishan.
while i was waiting at the bus stop she called and she was like,
[in chinese, cos we always speak in chinese :P]
'WENLIN!!!!bu hao le!!!'

turns out the blur queen left her court shoes in her school after her performance on friday night. lolx
shes so cute and funny i dunno what to say. *shrug* then i was like, calm down qiu han, calm down.

come to think of it, if it were the old me, i might have yelled at her or sth and made things worse but it seems like i hvae a better anger management now [yay :)] and i can think better... lolx.
so i told her to meet me at her hse the bus stop there and take the same 13 that i was on to aj

it was damn weird when i saw her and she boarded the bus, all flushed and anxious and worried and pai seh and what have you and she stuck out her hands and said,
NAH!
and gave me 1kg worth of red bean paste.

i was like,
HUH?
and then,
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAHAHHA

it was so funny. cos i told her i was planning to buy red bean paste to eat as bread spread and her hse downstairs got sell so i was planning to buy it on that day... but since we were going to get the shoes no time to buy the red bean paste.
I SWEAR I DID NOT PLAN TO BUY 1KG WORTH OF IT. 1/2 a kg is more like it. XP

then we talked a bit and took bus to aj.
haha. it was fun sitting at the bus stop waiting for her to come...

in the end she found her shoes and so i could perform [yay?]
but it was totally my fault not hers... haha. i mean i should have gotten the correct pair instead of borrow from her and trouble her mah ... but qiu han is the best thing that has ever happened to me and shes stuck around with me for as long as i can rmbr since the day we met even though sometimes i ve taken her for granted. *sigh*

:) den i realised there was 852 at the aj bus stop so i took 852 and she so nicely waited for it and talked with me when she could have and should have taken 13 and went home first instead. ^-^

then i met siew peng on the bus. *sigh* shes so pretty lah. and yes, so charming. and i was so alarmed. haha cos i didnt know what to do or say. pretty girls are hard to find, but pretty girls who are charming and nice are even more rare...
i rmbr the first time we met she said sth like
'you look very familar'
sounds like a pick up line a guy would use on a girl except...ERMMMMM -_-

den after warm ups and during combined she suddenly came up to me and said
'wenlin i tink you re very pretty'
and she said it with such genuine honesty like she really meant it i felt like crying and yelling and screaming and blushing and running to a corner to hide my face
sigh. i was so shocked. i didnt think my heart could take it
i wanted to say,

'NO WAY!!!! YOU RE THE ONE WHOS PRETTY, NOT ME!!!!'

sigh. haha. pretty girls with the charm. i dunno if i should feel weird or plain absurd or thankful or appreciative or what. sigh.

college day was like a breeze. breeze as in not that it was easy but it passed to quickly i didnt know what to make of it... anyway i felt that if we sang sleep i would have started tearing.... haha. thank god we didnt. but we sure sounded a lot better than during those sucky rehearsals... :) yay. but i felt disgusted cos the sops sounded so airy. wait, WE sounded so airy. haha.

then we went out for dinner. which wasnt as good as i imagined... quite expected lah. nowadays all the choir outings seem to be a let down. maybe cos i anticipated too much. like nvr reach climax then end liao. maybe its the big As thats draining everyone. we seemed to be so high last year

yesterday night was...
truly...
sigh.
hahaha. a emotional roller coaster ride.
i didnt know what to do lah. i didnt think my weak heart could take all of it...
sadness, confusion, helplessness, surprise, embarrassment, excitement, joy, etc,
i was like
overwhelmed. hahaha.

yes now my heart has reached a whole new level.
i have a higher threshold of emotions now. sigh. but there are more problems to face...

but im quite happy. for now :P haha.

dunno why this blog doesnt seem to have the 'title' function. *confused*. anyway, its cool blogging here again. :) haha. used to blog almost daily here last yr...

woke up at seven on the dot this morning to pass qiu han the court shoes that she has so kindly lent me since germany last year.. :P since she said she wun be used so i permanently borrowed it from her :p tanks so much girl! *ji youched*

feels weird typing in english since we always converse in chinese. converse. wait. we never converse. we re not companions. we re friends. :) and we always talk, never converse. lol. trying to hulk up the vocabulary of words so i can write a gp essay of reasonable standard... i hope. such tht teo will shut her mouth up and not blabber and complain and ask us to use our brains and not leave them outside the classroom

anyway, i realised that i found my new comfort item: qiu han!
actually she has always been... just that i realised it again for the nth time where n nearing infinity...
she just melts everything away lah. haha. shes so warm. so wen rou

just went to her hse wearing my sleep gear : house tee and black shorts. a bit longer than fbt type, and my nice green lousy cheapo flip flops which is super comfy. haha. got a couple of weird stares at the bus stop but nvr mind. den 13 came so promptly i was swept off and before i knew it i was at her hse at 7 30 and we were supposed to meet at the bus stop at 8 lol. so i walked arnd the market near her hse and stoned. bought a waffle [hurraaaa!] red bean! [double huraay!] but so ex, 1.2
one dollar twenty lei
but a lot of red bean. so i was smiling like this ^_________^

bought a peanut one for qiu han. dunno if she liked it. lolx. had to force her to take it since she said she ate breakfast liao bla blah... lolx. den eat and stone at the bus stop. got even more weird stares. lolx. but nvr mind. den eat finish liao, thirsty so went to get chin chow. too much lah. so big cup 50 cent. haha. den qiu han came and we talked and i offered to take bus wif her to aj since so near and i want to talk to her more

and i did. :) haha. sigh. i miss her a lot....

i hope my gf is ok. ash looked super tired and worn out today. sigh. u need can always call me. my fone ok 24 -7. :) i can always talk or just listen loh.
i miss my gf too! :) hope i can be there for my gf like qiu han is there for me... can always feel a nice warm sense of security when i talk to qh. like i know even if the whole world gives up one me she wun...

den went back home to change bedsheet b4 mom start nagging abt it. den must study cos afternoon darell asked me out. lol. she super cute lah, i change bed sheet half way she call, den she was like, 'WENLIN WENLIN YOU MUST COME OUT GO OUT WIF ME COME SHOPPING WIF ME NO ONE WANTS TO COME OUT WIF ME ' and i was like, HUH? lols. :) cranky darell. but shes so cute lah/

haha. i dun ever say cute darell, not in front of u. my cool = your cute. but u are cute to me!

so we went shopping and stuff. lolx. i treated her to a bag of famous amos cookies and she treated me to a bag. diff types. lolx. so funny. and i got jerry this super cute birthday cookie with the
happy birthday message printed. =_= so diao. haha. den we went in search of stuff for darells super funky and cute mom and fren sharon. ended up getting them stuff from far east. a bit far. haha. but okay lah, ate as we walked. :)

i bought a green bangle! so funky. haha. and got a green nacklace too. 3 for 10 bucks, me weiling and darell. XD all got one. all diff colour. yay. now both my cliques got some signature item or sth in common. yay

im seriously colour coded. dun look at anything thts not green... haha. like im a plant or what, i start stoning and photosynthesizing on the spot, using my chorophyll... =_= sigh

went to meet ash and money well and ck and hs and aud
and of course bday boy jerry!

jerry is super cool. i decided he will be my idol cos he is super good and so mature and so serene and hes like so at ease with himself and hes like so calm like hes attained nirvanna or gained enlightenment or sth haha. and he reminds me of miss tham so much

we ate and stoned a lot. some weird hot ramen. super hot lah. haha


a lot of nonsense.
im feeling like im not really myself. i love myself when im with qiu han. :) cos she makes me feel at ease. i dun have to be wearing anything proper, dun have to act feminine or act guyish or whatever i am just me

i am just me.
sigh

to my dearest president, cutest friend, best boss and... much much more

hey there. i m not sure if u read this, but i guess i just wanted to say that u ve been a lot. to the choir. to the sop section. to me :) also.
do you know pple worry abt you do you know pple care abt you do you know pple love you do you know do you know do you know pple worry abt you wait. im repeating myself. sigh. T_T

sigh. T_T
im not sure why, i didnt know you that well last time, so wasnt close to you. but from the time, from the moment u become my president, my boss, u became my friend as well. it didnt start off like that at first. things werent like that. but... :) things are the way they are now. and its like i have my arm over your shoulder all the time. cos i hope i can be there for you. but you re always so....

:'( sad must cry, angry must yell, happy must shout, hungry must EAT. and not forget that ashghee.
sigh. =_= how to ask u to eat. you know, u re super bad, make so many pple worry for you. sigh. not the way loh.... but how can pple bring themselves to hate/dislike you even a little bit
you are so small but the burden u carry is so big

argh. sounds corny. how to tell ash this. best if she reads this. if she doesnt, ... i just keep putting my arm arnd her shoulder. lol and she puts her behind my back :) so sweet. bf and gf.

how to get her to eat? and see a good doctor? sigh. how to cheer her up?
what do you do when u are sad? i eat sth sweet. usually does the trick for me. my gf just told me she likes to hug sth. wish i could always be there for her to hug ^-^ im good to hug loh *smug smile* i like to eat... thus my size. happy also eat, sad also eat. lolx. nothing also eat

but how come now nothing seems to be doing the trick. ice kacang has lost its kick liao.

tried buying choc cheesecake from 7-11 [woohoo!] and sat down at the void deck under my hse there and eat. war lou. it tasted quite good. but i was still sad. cheat my money. red bean anything... i want to eat....

sigh.