today for the first time [in a long time], i 'spoke' to B again.
it was a really really weird but familar feeling, because we haven't seen each other or spoken to each other for an insanely long period of time. and it was really random because i saw that B was online on facebook and that his status was 'passed japanese test' or something, so i just [without thinking much really, less than 1 second] clicked on his icon and asked him if it was JLPT and if so, what level, because i just took jlpt not long ago as well.

and while we were talking, just briefly, for a while, i think i could remember why i liked B so much in the past, even though we didn't really get along even when we were together, that i always found him too arrogant, and that he really seriously pissed me off in ways no one has ever done before.

but for the first time,
i felt something like closure.

and then i realised,
i went around one big circle, made an insane detour; met many other people, did many other things, but when i look back,




it's still the same thing.

C is still the same crazy tenor he was;
B is still as stubborn as ever;
B still likes A [i daresay :)]but won't admit it; and A is still avoiding B because she doesn't feel the same way [because that's the way she is and that's exactly how she deals with things if it can be considered as coping] and i'm feeling inadequate and helpless sometimes because im friends with both of them.
[and isn't it a coincidence that the abbreviations of their names are very nicely A, B and C? amusing.]

i can't help but feel a little sad,
that we all aren't brave enough;
that we all are afraid to be hurt;
that we were all waiting for something to happen;

because things didn't happen, and still have not. [and probably won't?]


but it's with a little sad smile,
that i think back on the crazy times;
when we were still wearing school uniforms too uncomfortable for our good;
staying back after practice and having insanely long comm meetings;
talking excitedly about what new scores we would be covering;
struggling with schoolwork more than we could handle [or so we thought]
and maybe feelings we couldn't really verbalise

but then,
even so,
if we had been more brave; if we had taken chances,
maybe things would have been different.

but what difference would [the difference]it have made?
does it really matter/would it have really mattered?

things weren't bad the way they were, right?
things aren't bad the way they are now, i guess?

with a little sad smile, we regret/relish, and move on with life.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

a long eventful/uneventful week.
a long day of runs for piecing and tiring back rolls and falls onto the floor, leaps into the air, flips, insane swinging, hopping, and teeth-baring smiling.

and i think i am happy [just a little bit] today because somebody told me very honestly and earnestly that she is/was surprised that i am 'such a good dancer' and she 'didnt know till today'.
let' my self esteem swell a bit yah? it's already below subsistence levels.
lower than for my own good [plus all the snubbing by my sister]
and also since more than 2 people have on, multiple occasions, told me to be more confident and assured with/of myself

LALALA.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

rag dinner =)
it was such a really good feeling, all of us ol' chums getting together, sitting on the bus talking about random things; cek gu saying something really insanely funny with his poker face, sending me into uncontrollable laughter and yap into spasms of shaking giggles; han cheng with his gay-magnet act-macho actions, lau hong and liewmeichee's husband-wife act; shazzy and wayne's malay-wedding [now 2 babies included];

it's just such a fantastic feeling.
like you just feel the chemistry there.

maybe it's not much,
but because we suffered together,
laughed together, cried together [okay fine, i cried, but maybe not everyone else], held each other strong and close,

the feeling is just so great.

so great it makes me want to do it all over again
BUT NO AT THIS POINT OF TIME I WILL NOT DECIDE.
haha.
stop tempting me to do rag when you're not doing it yourself, loh! [okay you know who you are, so don't pretend! i know you read this. haha.]

but it's a good memory to dwell on, even if just for a while.
i am willing to spend just a small bit of my sleepless moments at 2 am to relish in these feelings, and also in what was and what became.


cek gu and i took a long[not so long?] bus ride back home together, and we marvelled and the peculiarness of things; that we had been staying in hall for 2 years but had never gone back/came to hall on the same bus together despite staying rather near to each other. and the same for me/zhiyuan and zhiyuan/him. and zhiyuan stays 1 street away from me! i think.

and then we talked about many other things, like how girls can wear shorts in the library but be like covered in like long sleeves with incredibly thick jackets and their legs not feel cold.
and also i realised i haven't laughed so much in such an long time. so hard my stomach hurt and i felt my abs hurt [as much as after warmups during yijun and jul's dance practice], and so hard i thought maybe at some random time i fear my jaw would suddenly dislocate leaving my mouth agape.

and also cek gu asked me some other things; said that he read/reads my blog [!!!] and that it was very emo when he read it. at that point of time i remembered something about soohf saying that she thought J and i were/are very compatitble due to our similar emo/kaobeiness [emo for me, kaobei for him, haha] but i brushed her off/dismissed it very quickly.
and i also remembered how i got the nickname emo-nemo from rag.

haha.

are my blog posts very emo?



i told cekgu it was all in preparation for aiting's dance,
which is OOZING EMO. haha. like floods of it.
i think it's good to indulge in a little bit of reflection and emo.

because sometimes you lose all sense and feeling,
and pain seems to be the only thing that makes you feel alive.

if you know what i mean.

but this is not an emo post.

i finally did it today.
i pressed the delete button.

which i thought is something i would never bear to do.

but i didn't think it would happen.
and i think i really froze to subzero, when it happened.
i can't remember when exactly, and how, but all i can recall

i think i stopped breathing for a second and

inside i instinctively flinched,
and i tried to look away.
tried to walk away,
unaffectedly.

i don't think my heart could take it.
and my fingers don't seem to listen to me much these days;
while they're still under my temporary control,
i pressed the button and
bid you a/an [eternal] farewell

so goodbye,
and farewell.
take care;

because now i will practise getting used to the feeling,
of not really caring about you, or these things;

i hope it won't affect me, too much.
-----------------------------------------------------

some people you know from first impression that you will 看爽 them.
it's just a feeling; nothing more, nothing less.
no logic, no reason, no meaning.


just a very simple feeling,
sometimes coming from your gut.

but more often than not i feel first impressions are quite accurate;
for me at least.

take her for example.
even though she looks unfriendly at first glance [to some perhaps]
i just 看爽 her. it was a really really simple feeling.
and i guess it was mutual. because it seemed to me that she 看爽 me too.
even though some people might think i look very unaffable.

and even though i didn't know her well,
we sat at arts canteen and ate yong tao foo laksa and talked about the most random of things, for a whole two hours.

and when she told me she needed to borrow my textbook,
once i saw the message i got up from whatever i was doing, took the text and walked right over to her room [which isn't that near] and gave her the book.


this is not something i would usually do. you would know what i mean if you were my roommate and have witnessed the countless lazy afternoons that i just lay motionless on bed during lunchtime, sleeping past my hungry hour because i was too lazy to move and leave the room to buy any kind of edible substance.

and when she offered me something to eat
[i usually reject any kind of offers politely if i don't know the person well, even if i really like what he/she is offering]
i just very 爽快ly agreed,
which is random,
and if it wasn't weird enough, i ate mangosteens and a mini pear and a baluku.

today when i saw her,
she asked me if i ate dinner;
i said i ate already! and why ask so late.


i don't know why but it was like an incredibly big consolation prize after my heart froze below subzero today. and when she raised her hand to give me a high-five to encourage me to study hard and to catch up for my web casts,

i was smiling but i think i really was almost on the verge of something else inside.


some people, some things,
just make you feel good to be alive.

And you don't know me

(what hides) inside me
It's nothing so different

Don't close the door
I'm not asking for more

Oh god I'd give my life for you
For just one second that was true

Keep me feelin' so (brand new)

You know why yesterday was a lie

And even when you're sad, I walk away
And even when you're happy, I stay


Did I sell my soul for this feeling, so long ago?
Did I give my heart for that waste of time?

I'm not asking for much,
Don't hide me, and you wonder why my heart

Did I sell my soul for that feeling?
You know why yesterday was a lie
I can't keep thinking I was right


Don't go

------------------------------------------------------------
i love the songs;
i love being emo;
i love her choreography,

i love it all.

did i sell my soul for this feeling?
did i give my heart? [for this waste of time]

i really don't know.

yesterday was a lie,
but tell me it isn't so.

'Wenlin!

Haha i only managed to see the email now cuz my hotmail is spoiled, so i have to find another computer to check my email :p But no worries la, i understand it must be tough shuffling back and forth each week. Anyway, i think you're really good, as in you pick up your steps really fastand execute them well too. Although occasionally you forget steps, it can be improved through more practice :) The next 3 weeks is going to be crucial so msut jiayou okay! is there anymore training for you? do let me know okay. see you on tuesday at 6pm! :)

cheers,
yj'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what more can i ask for from such an encouraging and understanding choreo?
things turned out okay in the end.

i guess i always think the worst of everything,
too much.

what i cannot understand is,


why does friendship between girls [sometimes] have to be built based on the number of times you accompanied her to the toilet, to fongseng to ta pau something to drink; money you lent her to buy the drinks; exchanged juicy gossip about other related[or unrelated anyway] people; times you listened to her and laughed at her [not so funny] joke?

when the person is nice usually i make the effort to laugh at the joke,
but sometimes i find it hard to break into a new social circle.

this is just so not me.

and it's especially so for this particular group.
why do d*****s have to be like this?


maybe i haven't broken the ice to get to the substantial part,
but the surface is already freezing me.
and i cannot help but cringe.

it's just me.
because i usually go the the toilet alone, thank you.

yesterday when i was sitting on the bus, a boy came and sat next to me.


i wasn't doing anything.
the bus stopped at the stop and i just happened to look up.
and he got on the bus, tapped his card and looked directly at me.
i think i was shocked for a moment because that's never really happened before.

i quickly looked away, minding my own business.
then, to my shock [which i did not make apparent, hopefully], he came and sat right next to me,
even though the bus was full of empty seats.
he sank into the seat, folded his arms, then slept.

i wasn't wearing anything nice.
maybe i was but i was wearing my sweater and it was covering the whole of whatever i was wearing and my bag, which looked like a random object bulging underneath it.
i didn't put any make up on my face, not even eyeliner, and i can't remember if i even washed my face before i went out.
i really am not the kind of person who looks like the kind of person you'd want to sit next to on a bus full of empty seats.

but he sat next to me.

strangely,
i didn't/don't remember how his nose looks like. [because i slept only 1 hour the day before?]
he didn't try to do anything funny,
or to take up a big space.
he just slept next to me.

but it was a nice feeling.

he was neither handsome, nor very tall, not very special-looking.
he had a very funny-looking punkish haircut, i think.
but his fingers were to short and stubby.
shorter than mine!

so i think maybe i forgot what his nose looked like.


i think wife is right,
i may really be a superficial hypocrite.

just like everyone else [really?]
but what do you do when you see somebody who sits next to you on the bus for the first time!



you look at his nose, or fingers, or something.

something, anyway.

but, like in life,
like whatever happy small moments that pass you by,
whatever regrets that you have that you smudge away with your thumb,

i got up at my stop and got off the bus without anything more than a look back.

---------------------------------------------------------
'dear ah, you're only doing one dance is it?'

erm, no, i'm doing ai ting's dance and yijun julia's.

'oh.'

was it me, or did i see disappointment/conceit/jealousy in her eyes?
i'm really not being oversensitive but it seems like i'm really good at picking up vibes from people, especially those kind of censored/uncensored negative feelings that you try [rather unsuccessfully? sometimes] to hide

and then when we finished doing yijun and julia's dance for the first run,
and we came back to the stage, all panting and smiley from the dance,

i think i saw it in her eyes again.



i should switch it off.
whatever mechanism it is.
it's kind of cool and powerful,

but what good can it do me now, anyway?

i don't think my heart could take this.

familar place, familar smell, familar lights, familar floor, familar feel,
but a different perspective.

when they brought out the wooden table with cross bracings, and some girl started crawling onto it, denise commented that the table is really sturdy, and i replied,
with all due respect,

'of course, the sets is zai one.'

from the different side of the stage,
the same old different allegiences,
but why does it feel like i've changed sides and betrayed who i really am?

and the ':)' or '=D'.

it's been ages since i last did it,
but i keep wondering if i dropped the smile in between?
rui sheng told me to smile more and that i was only smiling when i turned to face him and he saw me, but i don't know if that was really what i did
because all i felt was that i was smiling like an idiot,
but i think that's no where close to what's enough.[or what i can vaguely remember of his strict requirements of us when we were still young, if that's the standard]

somehow i feel like a hypocrite.


all this thing about 'fighting for the limelight' and asking us to bask in it and it being our 'only chance so you might as well do it'

maybe it's because i've done it before so i actually know what it feels like to slog behind the shadows and have nobody know anything much about it till the last 5? seconds when it's roll call and they call your name and you run out in a neat line together, or wave from atop the scaffoldings feeling glamourous only to not realise you're being blocked by flags and banners

coming back to the feeling of dancing in the light,

the feeling is so much sweeter.
even if it's really just nothing.


turns out i'm a sucker just like everyone else.

how disappointing.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
piece of meat just told me yesterday that i should turn carnivorous sometime.

i'm already too tired to decipher what it means cause of the mixed signals,

so i think i'll just start skipping lunch from now.



saves deciding what to eat at least.


and oh,
i have my phone back.

finally.
my computer is still screwed but i will reformat it this week.

at least there's music to fill in the blackholes in my life again.
welcome back,
and thank you.

i thought that signing myself up for everything would make me happy;
would fill up the empty spaces in my vacant
would make my life more fulfilling,
would make me a better person,
would widen my social circle,
would make me smile.




it's killing me.
slowly.

when everything clashes together,
or comes one after the other,

sometimes i really think to myself,

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING WHEN I SAID YES?

all the text from this sentence onwards is going to be about me and my fucked up life/week/items so if you don't want to read about my sad sod of a life you can just ignore this
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and i really hate the idea of handphones and being contactabled 24/7,
or email and having to reply/response immediately,
but my computer was constantly fucked up this week,
i couldn't check my hotmail n times out of n + 1/n times i tried, where n ---------> infinity and 1/n is a damn small number of course, and had to resort to waiting for the times when the lounge computer wasn't being used to check my email/edit excel files/edit microsoft word,

and my phone
my phone
i need an IBM-laptop-like phone.

the first day it gg-ed,
i borrowed a phone, which was okay, but i didn't charge cause i didn't realise that it was running low on battery. then it died on me. and then i didn't have the charger. and the person who lent me the phone was away. so i was uncontactable. and i needed to be contactable. and then some stuff happened and luckily i could borrow a charger from someone else. and then it was okay. but the person who lent me the phone needed it back. so i became uncontactable again. and then soohf kindly lent me her substitute phone. but sadly i didn't realise the pains of using it because the keypad is spoilt and the phone will switch off by itself and i can't put spacing or punctuation in the sms and so the smses sound weird i can't reply to peter sensei when he says he's sick and can't come for training today =( and i can't reply to clara and tell her i can't be back in time for dance practice cause the phone died-ed =(

and then during training today i was losing so much blood i felt like i was going to die
and then i was being chromed by suresh sensei and then wenhao was still queuing for suresh sensei behind me and he was yelling stuff like 'keep centre!' and 'your cuts are not straight' etc and i guess it was supposed to be encouraging but i didn't feel encouraged at all and i hate the feeling of training near wenhao cause just the sheer pressure of it is like this incredibly big stone weighing on me =( and i totally didn't want to queue for suresh sensei was i wanted to die already the first hour of training zapped my life force but none of the juniors queued for him and it's not nice to have a high level visitor visit your dojo and have nobody queue to spar with him so i queued anyway and i was really asking for it =( and then before i know it i think i was crying inside my men but nobody could see because i was wearing it and when you wear it you have tunnel vision and you can't much but nono had to come and stand very near to me and look at me and i quickly turned away and luckily i was still perspiring so i think the sweat was covering my face but i was still sniffing =( and after the kato sensei keiko i was very sad but very touched by sensei's kindness and encouragement but i really felt like i wanted to die i just wanted to take off my men but i felt i shouldnt take off my men because i am president and i must set a good example and not drop out of training and it was only 15 minutes more to the end of training and if i dropped out i would have to stand in the second row instead of the first and it would be a shameful thing and i didnt want sensei to be disappointed that the dojo has such a lousy president and i really wanted to but in the end i didnt take off my men =( and then at the last part nono said onegaishimasu to me when it was last keiko and i was trying very hard but he was like really just giving chance to me and at the last part i really dont know what he was doing and what i was doing and i was really just feeling like shit and

and then after training wenhao asked me where jack, etc were and then i told him that your own training is your own responsibility and you cant expect me or nono to keep checking up on the attendance and reasons for not coming for the comm members but then wenhao said a lot of things and i felt very tired because it reminded me of the adeline incident and it was just reinforcing the fact that i was disappointed that our own club members and even comm members seem to have so little commitment towards training and like i wish it didnt have to be this way and you can be sick and have lots of schoolwork and tutorials but doesnt everyone have lots of tutorials and peter sensei trained on monday even though he was sick and i felt very touched and inspired but sad we are not like him

and then after training i came back to hall and had accap practice till 3-4am and i really felt damn tired and i'm really wondering why xianyong asked me to join their group cause i wonder if i'm really as zai as he says he thinks i am because i feel like im so slow and im dragging the group and maybe things would be better if they asked somebody who can read music and is like faster and better with all this and can sightsing not some noop like me

when it's kendo-dance-accap practice on fridays i totally just feel like i can die, but luckily/unluckily i didn't make it back on time for dance practice but yijun must be pissed i sent her that nonpunctuated and spacing sms telling her i will be late for practice when i didnt make it back on time

and now tomorrow/later today there's piecing and i thought it's 1115 for aiting's dance so i told ben i'd go in yonghe and cheefung's place for the CMAD meeting in the morning so they can go for the SMU open training since i cant go for the open training due to piecing anyway but then suddenly clara smsed me to tell me that yijun jul will be practicing at 10am which totally clashes
with the meeting which is 10am to 1130am and i ll have to miss the early blockings for both dances and i cant sms the choreos till 9am when i get my phone back and it will be so last min and so irresponsible

and this week for the cognitive neuropsych class i did the readings and i went to class for the test and my friend who went there for the same thing didnt print or read the readings and borrowed my readings cause it was open book and she got full marks like 66% of the rest of the class and i didn't even get full marks

i deserve to die



okay everything is really really bad and fucked up,
but when i get my phone back,

at least i can be contactable again,

and things will be okay, right?

for the first time in my entire life in eusoff,
i went for the ihg closing; donning yellow like everyone else.

the feeling was really weird.
it was like orientation again.
like i was a year one,
standing there with my og mates, feeling blur,
not knowing what to do,

but when the announced our name,
when they said,
'and the champions are,

eusoff hall!!!'

the response was all the same.

it was like rag day,
two years ago,
when we were surrounded by each other,
when we couldn't control our tears,
when we were smiling through the crying,
when we were blindly hugging each other.

i stood, watching the sportsmen and sportswomen, silently,

and for one minute,
i felt in my heart,

that maybe it was the same.

it was the different,
but also the same.

even though i am not a sportswoman,
and know nuts/can do nuts at sports,

it's fantastic to be able to belong to a place like this.

-----------------------------------------------------
don't know why i couldn't sleep today.


popped the question again.
and i felt that small part of me deep inside stirr,
again.

oh man, i feel tempted.
sigh.

it's been ages since i picked up a pencil to do anything but shade an MCQ sheet,
and i'm so rusty i'd probably cry if i compare my current state to the past;
but the feeling is really, really good.

very, 扎实。
very, very good.
as if this is the right way it's supposed to be,
and any other way wouldn't be right/correct.

must get down to colouring loh's dp sets designs that he passed me sometime ago.
maybe late this week,

colours are so exciting but sometimes they trouble me.

oh well.

':)'

from observation,



it seems like iceberg isn't as icy as i imagined.

maybe i was jumping to conclusions, or being biased and imposing my expectations on iceberg.
commiting to fundamental attribution error.

*gasp*
and a psychology student like myself.

i should slap myself in the face.

but iceberg can be really, really, really icy sometimes.
subzero.


oh well.

maybe it's just me.

have you ever felt that at just one moment in time, your small, small heart would explode with thankfulness and gratitude for a person because you could not bear the generousity and kindess and overwhelming amount of humility in that person and immense amount of respect for the person?

that behind my men ga-ne,
behind the sweat dripping from my forehead down my cheek,
my eyes,

swelling with tears of gratitude,

speechless,


it didn't happen during training today,
but i felt i could almost die of thankfulness and pride.

when peter sensei said,
'i'm talking to you guys a lot more than before; telling you guys a lot more things and opening up, because you guys have earned my trust. '

'just a little bit lah.'

i thought i could die.
just slump over the table and die with a foolish smile on my face.

and during training,
kato sensei's encouraging words, albeit in broken english...
it was wonderful.

the 'noooooo-----'
when we did something wrong
and the 'Yeeeeeeessssssss' when we finally got it right.

nono and i were standing there and just thinking,
sensei is how cute lah.


how can you be so great,
so strong,
so wise,

but so kind?

so humble,
so thoughtful.

if anything i wish i could one day be like that.

just a little bit like that :)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
over the weekend, back in my comfort zone, totally off-guard and slouching with no finnesse on my bed in the most unglamourous manner you can imagine,

i kind of whined to my sister [it is my favourite activity =)] about how busy i am and how hopeless things can be and how things are always different from how i imagined and how i was/am
'no prospects no future no date no valentine'
how hall activities were zapping up my time,
how i lacked attractiveness/seem to not be attracted to what was/is available to me
how the future looks bleak and difficult it will be to get my CAP back on track
how HORRIBLE the health psych weekly discussion forums are and how incredibly kiasu and ethusiastic my group mates are, making it more difficult for me =( [okay i should be happy, but i am NOT!!! haha.]
[i subsequently got a date but it doesnt really count, so it doesnt matter]

and we were having a lot of fun repeating it the whole weekend.

i love my sister.
the way she's so bohchub,
the way she's so sarcastic.
the way she doesn't seem to care,

but always gives in to me when i'm tired and back for the weekend.

and even though she said no,

i do think that she'll take care of me in old age when i'm 60 and get dementia or something.
that's how wonderful she is.



but she doesn't need to know it,
lah.
---------------------------------------------------------------


what the hell are you trying to do?
do you do this to everyone?
i really feel like asking this sometimes.
it's wrong but somehow sometimes it feels right.
i'm not sure if i'm reading it wrong.

solution: don't read into it.




no expectation = no disappointment = best approach.

and i realised, much to my chagrin/dismay,
the phone number is stored in my SIM card, not my phone [which is dead now; im using a borrowed one]

and i can't really bear to delete it.

oh well.

once again, i am temporarily uncontactable unless some kind soul very generously offers his/her second/substitute phone for my temporary usage.






another 3?days [at least] of life without music.

i can just mentally squlech at the thought of having nothing to fill up the empty moments in life.

sigh.
---------------------------------------------------------

i didn't think i would be doing this,
but i deleted a contact off my msn,
again.

the last time i did it i think i did it right after i deleted the contact's phone number off my phone,
but what difference did it make;

i could remember both the phone number and email.



this time,
i don't remember the email,

and my phone just died. [brilliant timing]

this is all a sign.

i will resolve to fate.

what good is a piece of beef when it keeps telling me to eat vegetables?


even when i insist i don't like.




i give up.

i ll turn vegetarian.

'wow. now you are telling me. and i'm supposed to be free just because im in charge of open house... i don't stay on campus or have the whole day free you know. anyway i can't make it today. but jxxx will be going in my place.'

okay. like i was really freaking pissed but i kept my cool and replied.
i decided it was time to be honest and tell her even though i didn't want things to be awkward in future since she is still in the committee and we'll be working together.

'hi, please try to understand im not trying to make things difficult for you but despite asking early you give very limited slots for meetings and always seem to not make it even though the rest of us have other commitments and try to make it. if you're busy i understand but honestly speaking i feel neither interest nor commitment from your side.'



and then,
ta-da!

her reply.

'if i appear to be such an irresponsible person to you then i have nothing to say as wel. in any case, whether i agree w you or not, thank you for your feedback.'

at this point of time,
i felt like burying my head in some pithole somewhere because i really didn't/don't know what to do.


i always knew i was asking for it when i ran for president.

-------------------------------------------------
how do you deal with somebody who shows lack of commitment and interest in his/her responsibilities/duties but doesn't seem to think so?

hello,
i can understand if you're busy and have 234898765434567 things to do, 237898765434543 places to be in, but it's the same for all of us, right? the same for the rest of the 7 of us in the committee. not like i'm super free or anything.
and it's not like i didn't ask you before; i asked you if you were able to take up the responsibility for open house because i felt it was suitable as your role is IT/publicity and definitely openhouse falls under that category. if you were busy or had 943578 things to do you could have nicely rejected and i could have [from the start] allocated it to xxx or yyy who are both enthusiastic and committed to their jobs/doing extra outside of their job.

i call for a committee meeting not because i have too much time on my hands, or i like to torture you guys and waste your time; but because i feel planning the semester's events and deciding certain decisions should be a committee-based thing, and i value everyone's input. if i didn't give a damn i would just make the decisions myself with sxx or nxxx right?
and why i say i feel there is lack of commitment and interest on your side?

certainly i believe i have good reason to say so.
cause whenever there is a new event/responsibility that look like you could be the right person to handle it, you always give the 'what a drag' face and sound like you really aren't interested at all. [okay maybe that's me being biased but it was clearly written on your face and i believe that other people would have felt the same] and when we try to schedule a time for committee meetings, you give the fewest available time slots [what, 1 or 2 timings a week?] even if we ask like WAY beforehand [though i do admit earlier meetings were more rushed and last minute]. and then you say you're busy with all kinds of stuff. if it's a comm meeting i hope everyone to be there. and it's like EVERYONE but you can make it. for like n slots. where n is a reasonably large number.
what particularly pissed me off was once you missed a comm meeting because you had an 'appointment with sister'....

it's not like the rest of us don't have commitments okay.
church, dance classes outside, other ccas/sports, homework, tutorials, hall events etc.

i guess if you couldn't/didn't want to be committed from the start,
you shouldn't have run for the position,
because the others really deserve much better than you,
from their level of enthusiasm and commitment towards both admin/publicity/training related matters.

am i not being understanding enough?
am i asking for too much from your side?
i really....



what a timely event.
cause i just received the email with the template,
asking me to evaluate my members and give them cca points accordingly.

sigh.

all this just makes me want to go on a holiday even more.

in the end it was true.

that no matter what they said,
how i tried to change,

it still mattered.
it still matters.


oh well.

but i should be glad,
right?
----------------------------------------
dear sir,

i did not think my heart could take it when you called for me to answer a question today. it was truly a very challenging task to withinstand your very mesmerizing voice that had a somewhat
hypnotic effect on me. no kind of coffee, nescafe, tea or everyday beverage could have a wakening effect on me. it scared me and thrilled me the same time you seemed to remember exactly where i sat last lecture and also that you called me last week to answer a question.

i do believe that however tiring and difficult it may be,

it is always very rewarding to listen to your lectures.

i look forward to the next article and more readings which i cannot seem to comprehend, as well as sleepless nights panicking about not knowing what to answer when asked in class.


yours sincerely,

wenlin
u060495a

in exchange for a supper, you can get a wealth of information on the people in hall you want to know, don't want to know, want to know but don't want to make it obvious; couldn't give a damn about.


it's really too much info for comfort.

halfway through, while laughing on the outside i found myself gagging internally and trying not to make it too obvious.


do things have to be like this here?
smiles, giggles, gossip and pretense aside,
all the breakups, cheating, playing around and fooling,

maybe i didn't really want to know this.
what good is it to me, really?



only to make me feel more jaded about this place;
and it's people.

really,
too much for comfort.

-----------------------------------------------------

jaded-ness aside,
here is an incredibly cute [you can say corny but i don't care] song:

with eyes colder than an iceberg,
and an attitude indifferent and aloof,

even with a pretty face,



it's hard not to dislike.

details here --> body survey


this is a sign.

i should pack my bags and leave for US.


like NOW.

i am not a picky eater.


when it comes to food, my mother taught me well.
always finish what's on your plate first, before taking more.
always eat fruits and vegetables, even if you really hate the veggie to the core.

but sometimes, in life,
eating is not that easy.

we are all unique individuals with specific tastes and likes and dislikes.
that's what makes us special, isn't it? our personality.

so let's say,
i really really like to eat meat.
and you really really like to eat vegetables.
we're sitting in this random restaurant, in a random place somewhere.
so the first dish comes,

and it's a plate of rather respectable and delectable-looking broccoli.
and you look super excited.
within seconds your plate is clear and your stomach half-full.

a friend lamented at the state of things,
and wondered aloud to me, how it would be possible to not be envious at a veggie-lover and her very fitting plate of greens.

but that's not the point right?
yes, the vegetables look very nice,
but i don't like broccoli.
[do not question. i know at this point you will probably squirm and protest 'how can you not like broccoli?' yes, it is possible, justlike how some people don't like ice cream, and also elmo from sesame street because he acts cute too much]
so i'm really glad you got vegetables, that you like, and also that the vegetables seem very happy to go down your throat into your stomach, but

i don't like vegetables. [somewhat.]

so i sit there at the table, patiently.
and the next dish appears,
and it's carrots, or something.

i don't like carrots.
not really, anyway.
i have nothing against them; they're quite chewy, good for eyesight [yah i know the benefits] and also recently i discovered that carrot juice is less horrible tasting than i imagined, but

i don't like carrots.

at this point of time,
i get a little frustrated.

what do i do?
so i keep on sitting at the table, waiting for the next dish to appear,
[which might turn out to be brinjal, which at that point in time i will just stand up and leave the restaurant and never come back]
if i sit at the table too long, and the dish i really want just doesn't come, i might just starve and die at the table, not to mention slump over it and maybe accidentally break the drinking glass,
but if i settle for the carrots, and the food i really want doesnt come till later, when i'm already full and can't force anything more down my throat, then....

i would regret it.

i would regret it.



i rejected the carrots.
i know they're good for eyesight,
but i dont fancy carrots much.

im not sure how long i can wait till i starve,
but i will not settle for carrots.

and,
you can say what you like but,

i am not a fussy eater.

Dear Sir,

pardon my brash words but i think you have just officially become my favourite lecturer.
I did not think the 6-hour-2-4000level-module marathon today to be earthly possible, nor the lack of lunch break or sufficient time to visit the ladies to be bearable, but i find myself completely mesmerized by your very charming voice, mesmerising eyes, friendly disposition, encouraging nature and enlightening teachings. As much as Dr Yeo's lecture, which was before yours, was kept light and crisp, and also the discussion rather lively, it was in no way comparable to your lecture. Save for the couple of minutes close to the hour around 1pm when i was struggling to stay awake as my sleepy hour came about, [which, to my delight, i successfully did] i was completely enthralled by your presence.

I look forward dearly to our next meeting such that i may be graced by your wonderful presence again. And also that i may purchase/beg/borrow/steal the 80 dollar-4-inch-thick-prescribed textbook which you also used as your prescribed text for module pl3232 when you taught it that semester.

Yours sincerely,

wenlin
u060495A

i'm at a dilema at what to do because im the bloody leader of this online discussion group thingy that's supposed to take the place of our health psych tutorials and everyone in my group is just kind of spamming and replying to the question with their own POV without really bothering to read the comment by the previous person and i suppose it's because everyone really only gives a damn about their own marks but well,

i have to scroll through all the lengthy [and somewhat repeated ] comments and then summarize/assess tactfully without sounding [too] bossy.

i wonder if sze wei phing put the seniors [u06xxxxx as compared to u07xxxxxx or u08xxxxxx] in the earlier weeks of discussion as group leaders/writers of position papers because he expected/expects that being seniors we won't do too lousy a job of organising a virtual group without knowing how our group members look or act like and writing a 10-page paper effectively nicely summarising all the scattered points in the forum and adding very impressive references and definitions.

okay, at this point of time my mouth is dripping with acid but basically you know i'm usually a nice person.


sigh.
i'll tide through this SOMEHOW.

wednesday shall be position paper/forum group leader day.

for now,
let me focus on this 6 hour-2-seminar-style-4000lvl-module-lecture day which is effectively in less than 7 hours.

okay


i promise i will update with a less whiney/emo-momo [affectionately coined by our very own JCRC president, mr sim, maker of greater things to come] update that is more substantial.

i have 2 more readings to go.