i thought that signing myself up for everything would make me happy;
would fill up the empty spaces in my vacant
would make my life more fulfilling,
would make me a better person,
would widen my social circle,
would make me smile.




it's killing me.
slowly.

when everything clashes together,
or comes one after the other,

sometimes i really think to myself,

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING WHEN I SAID YES?

all the text from this sentence onwards is going to be about me and my fucked up life/week/items so if you don't want to read about my sad sod of a life you can just ignore this
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and i really hate the idea of handphones and being contactabled 24/7,
or email and having to reply/response immediately,
but my computer was constantly fucked up this week,
i couldn't check my hotmail n times out of n + 1/n times i tried, where n ---------> infinity and 1/n is a damn small number of course, and had to resort to waiting for the times when the lounge computer wasn't being used to check my email/edit excel files/edit microsoft word,

and my phone
my phone
i need an IBM-laptop-like phone.

the first day it gg-ed,
i borrowed a phone, which was okay, but i didn't charge cause i didn't realise that it was running low on battery. then it died on me. and then i didn't have the charger. and the person who lent me the phone was away. so i was uncontactable. and i needed to be contactable. and then some stuff happened and luckily i could borrow a charger from someone else. and then it was okay. but the person who lent me the phone needed it back. so i became uncontactable again. and then soohf kindly lent me her substitute phone. but sadly i didn't realise the pains of using it because the keypad is spoilt and the phone will switch off by itself and i can't put spacing or punctuation in the sms and so the smses sound weird i can't reply to peter sensei when he says he's sick and can't come for training today =( and i can't reply to clara and tell her i can't be back in time for dance practice cause the phone died-ed =(

and then during training today i was losing so much blood i felt like i was going to die
and then i was being chromed by suresh sensei and then wenhao was still queuing for suresh sensei behind me and he was yelling stuff like 'keep centre!' and 'your cuts are not straight' etc and i guess it was supposed to be encouraging but i didn't feel encouraged at all and i hate the feeling of training near wenhao cause just the sheer pressure of it is like this incredibly big stone weighing on me =( and i totally didn't want to queue for suresh sensei was i wanted to die already the first hour of training zapped my life force but none of the juniors queued for him and it's not nice to have a high level visitor visit your dojo and have nobody queue to spar with him so i queued anyway and i was really asking for it =( and then before i know it i think i was crying inside my men but nobody could see because i was wearing it and when you wear it you have tunnel vision and you can't much but nono had to come and stand very near to me and look at me and i quickly turned away and luckily i was still perspiring so i think the sweat was covering my face but i was still sniffing =( and after the kato sensei keiko i was very sad but very touched by sensei's kindness and encouragement but i really felt like i wanted to die i just wanted to take off my men but i felt i shouldnt take off my men because i am president and i must set a good example and not drop out of training and it was only 15 minutes more to the end of training and if i dropped out i would have to stand in the second row instead of the first and it would be a shameful thing and i didnt want sensei to be disappointed that the dojo has such a lousy president and i really wanted to but in the end i didnt take off my men =( and then at the last part nono said onegaishimasu to me when it was last keiko and i was trying very hard but he was like really just giving chance to me and at the last part i really dont know what he was doing and what i was doing and i was really just feeling like shit and

and then after training wenhao asked me where jack, etc were and then i told him that your own training is your own responsibility and you cant expect me or nono to keep checking up on the attendance and reasons for not coming for the comm members but then wenhao said a lot of things and i felt very tired because it reminded me of the adeline incident and it was just reinforcing the fact that i was disappointed that our own club members and even comm members seem to have so little commitment towards training and like i wish it didnt have to be this way and you can be sick and have lots of schoolwork and tutorials but doesnt everyone have lots of tutorials and peter sensei trained on monday even though he was sick and i felt very touched and inspired but sad we are not like him

and then after training i came back to hall and had accap practice till 3-4am and i really felt damn tired and i'm really wondering why xianyong asked me to join their group cause i wonder if i'm really as zai as he says he thinks i am because i feel like im so slow and im dragging the group and maybe things would be better if they asked somebody who can read music and is like faster and better with all this and can sightsing not some noop like me

when it's kendo-dance-accap practice on fridays i totally just feel like i can die, but luckily/unluckily i didn't make it back on time for dance practice but yijun must be pissed i sent her that nonpunctuated and spacing sms telling her i will be late for practice when i didnt make it back on time

and now tomorrow/later today there's piecing and i thought it's 1115 for aiting's dance so i told ben i'd go in yonghe and cheefung's place for the CMAD meeting in the morning so they can go for the SMU open training since i cant go for the open training due to piecing anyway but then suddenly clara smsed me to tell me that yijun jul will be practicing at 10am which totally clashes
with the meeting which is 10am to 1130am and i ll have to miss the early blockings for both dances and i cant sms the choreos till 9am when i get my phone back and it will be so last min and so irresponsible

and this week for the cognitive neuropsych class i did the readings and i went to class for the test and my friend who went there for the same thing didnt print or read the readings and borrowed my readings cause it was open book and she got full marks like 66% of the rest of the class and i didn't even get full marks

i deserve to die



okay everything is really really bad and fucked up,
but when i get my phone back,

at least i can be contactable again,

and things will be okay, right?