have you ever felt that at just one moment in time, your small, small heart would explode with thankfulness and gratitude for a person because you could not bear the generousity and kindess and overwhelming amount of humility in that person and immense amount of respect for the person?

that behind my men ga-ne,
behind the sweat dripping from my forehead down my cheek,
my eyes,

swelling with tears of gratitude,

speechless,


it didn't happen during training today,
but i felt i could almost die of thankfulness and pride.

when peter sensei said,
'i'm talking to you guys a lot more than before; telling you guys a lot more things and opening up, because you guys have earned my trust. '

'just a little bit lah.'

i thought i could die.
just slump over the table and die with a foolish smile on my face.

and during training,
kato sensei's encouraging words, albeit in broken english...
it was wonderful.

the 'noooooo-----'
when we did something wrong
and the 'Yeeeeeeessssssss' when we finally got it right.

nono and i were standing there and just thinking,
sensei is how cute lah.


how can you be so great,
so strong,
so wise,

but so kind?

so humble,
so thoughtful.

if anything i wish i could one day be like that.

just a little bit like that :)
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over the weekend, back in my comfort zone, totally off-guard and slouching with no finnesse on my bed in the most unglamourous manner you can imagine,

i kind of whined to my sister [it is my favourite activity =)] about how busy i am and how hopeless things can be and how things are always different from how i imagined and how i was/am
'no prospects no future no date no valentine'
how hall activities were zapping up my time,
how i lacked attractiveness/seem to not be attracted to what was/is available to me
how the future looks bleak and difficult it will be to get my CAP back on track
how HORRIBLE the health psych weekly discussion forums are and how incredibly kiasu and ethusiastic my group mates are, making it more difficult for me =( [okay i should be happy, but i am NOT!!! haha.]
[i subsequently got a date but it doesnt really count, so it doesnt matter]

and we were having a lot of fun repeating it the whole weekend.

i love my sister.
the way she's so bohchub,
the way she's so sarcastic.
the way she doesn't seem to care,

but always gives in to me when i'm tired and back for the weekend.

and even though she said no,

i do think that she'll take care of me in old age when i'm 60 and get dementia or something.
that's how wonderful she is.



but she doesn't need to know it,
lah.
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what the hell are you trying to do?
do you do this to everyone?
i really feel like asking this sometimes.
it's wrong but somehow sometimes it feels right.
i'm not sure if i'm reading it wrong.

solution: don't read into it.




no expectation = no disappointment = best approach.

and i realised, much to my chagrin/dismay,
the phone number is stored in my SIM card, not my phone [which is dead now; im using a borrowed one]

and i can't really bear to delete it.

oh well.