i finally did it today.
i pressed the delete button.

which i thought is something i would never bear to do.

but i didn't think it would happen.
and i think i really froze to subzero, when it happened.
i can't remember when exactly, and how, but all i can recall

i think i stopped breathing for a second and

inside i instinctively flinched,
and i tried to look away.
tried to walk away,
unaffectedly.

i don't think my heart could take it.
and my fingers don't seem to listen to me much these days;
while they're still under my temporary control,
i pressed the button and
bid you a/an [eternal] farewell

so goodbye,
and farewell.
take care;

because now i will practise getting used to the feeling,
of not really caring about you, or these things;

i hope it won't affect me, too much.
-----------------------------------------------------

some people you know from first impression that you will 看爽 them.
it's just a feeling; nothing more, nothing less.
no logic, no reason, no meaning.


just a very simple feeling,
sometimes coming from your gut.

but more often than not i feel first impressions are quite accurate;
for me at least.

take her for example.
even though she looks unfriendly at first glance [to some perhaps]
i just 看爽 her. it was a really really simple feeling.
and i guess it was mutual. because it seemed to me that she 看爽 me too.
even though some people might think i look very unaffable.

and even though i didn't know her well,
we sat at arts canteen and ate yong tao foo laksa and talked about the most random of things, for a whole two hours.

and when she told me she needed to borrow my textbook,
once i saw the message i got up from whatever i was doing, took the text and walked right over to her room [which isn't that near] and gave her the book.


this is not something i would usually do. you would know what i mean if you were my roommate and have witnessed the countless lazy afternoons that i just lay motionless on bed during lunchtime, sleeping past my hungry hour because i was too lazy to move and leave the room to buy any kind of edible substance.

and when she offered me something to eat
[i usually reject any kind of offers politely if i don't know the person well, even if i really like what he/she is offering]
i just very 爽快ly agreed,
which is random,
and if it wasn't weird enough, i ate mangosteens and a mini pear and a baluku.

today when i saw her,
she asked me if i ate dinner;
i said i ate already! and why ask so late.


i don't know why but it was like an incredibly big consolation prize after my heart froze below subzero today. and when she raised her hand to give me a high-five to encourage me to study hard and to catch up for my web casts,

i was smiling but i think i really was almost on the verge of something else inside.


some people, some things,
just make you feel good to be alive.