nobody's reading this now [i'm guessing?] since i said i wouldn't blog here before.

but a blog is like a hand, a bone, a leg, an eye; some part of me that i can't really ever bear to abandon or ignore or throw away. so i guess im kind of cheating by blogging here again, but stopping blogging here for a significant period has some meaning for me.

i'll be leaving sg today. 

i'm a little sad i'm missing museum week this weekend with miao and wei, but what better time?

i've been really wanting to go somewhere, but i guess it's always been a lie that my parent's have been the one restricting my movement? i guess if i really wanted to go nobody could have stopped me, or maybe that i was not brave enough to go somewhere, maybe a foreign place, alone. and of course there's the safety issue, which my dad is very anal about, but let's put that aside, since i'm leaving already. i wish i could go somewhere, really, really far, and not come back. for a very long time.

i want to do so much more this holiday,

i want to meet so many people,

i want to go to so many places,

i want to do so many things.

most of all,

i will put my attention and focus back on things in my life [i hope]

i don't want to be happy for a whole day because of an sms, 

or wait in anticipation for a phone call the whole day neither. 

if you just step outside, 

throw away your book, 

stop watching the telly,

you'll see how big and wide the world is,

and how small and insignificant i am,

and how so many things, there should be so many other things that i should be thinking about.

the time is not right,

but the time is mine,

and 

i will make it alive. 

but for now, 

insomnia again.

Taking a nap all day long
There's nobody disturbs me
but i can't feel free
There's no hope
There's no despair
only the anger reminded into my heart
There's no chance
and there's no clue
You're gone so faraway
I`m hiding myself from you
I hate myself who can't stop loving you
I feel so stupid
because i'm still in love with you
Fall over precipitate but there's
no one can rescue me
My heart has broken two pieces
seems i can't love you anymore
It's hard for me to go on my life without you
I'm suffering from insomnia
I'm dying day and day

oh why, oh why, oh why....

i won't be writing here anymore because the number of people and who they are are becoming more than i can imagine and it scares me a little that what i thought initially would be freedom of speech is really becoming a place to expose myself to be more vulnerable than i would ever really want to allow myself.

it's ironic, isn't it?

if i said i didn't care about what other people said/thought,

it would be a lie; a blatant lie, a lie in my face, a lie that i could never agree.

as much as i want to deny it,

initially i really started writing/blogging because i wanted other people to read it.

to read my thoughts, my recollections, my recommendations, my nagging, my complaints, my troubles, my worries, my joys, my pleasures, my small excitements, 

to read me. 

in the end all i really wanted was to know that people cared; that i was loved that i was surrounded by people, by friends, by strangers, by acquaintances, that bothered to reply to my random rants, to my mundane musing, to my silly blog posts. 

it pleasured me to know that people thought i was witty, smart, careless, stupid, silly, whatever.

it was just enough knowing that people bothered and that i was somebody.

but now it's come back to bite at me.

maybe i need to write in a place where there is nobody else but me,

and where i can be truthful to myself, question my thoughts, my feelings;

where i can open up to myself, face my inner demons, go through my dark secrets.

because, this is, afterall,

not the place to do it.

goodbye.

because i already know the storyline and outcome [which is a tearjerker and heartbreaker] i decided not to watch hotaru no haka [grave of the fireflies] so today i watched a short animation film by kunio kato. don't really want to give a sypnosis because it would spoil the beauty of the story and the whole thing is less than 30 minutes anyway, totally worth the time. 

here.

http://www.shortfilmcentral.com/film/644/

you can download and watch it off here: 

http://www.mediafire.com/?mjyqyyyzajr

http://www.mediafire.com/?tdqjz0zjyuh

http://www.mediafire.com/?yzu3njgtfej

there was completely no dialogue and the protagonist was a frumpy old man

but it wasn't even 10 minutes into the thing but i was crying already.

will i be like that when i'm old?

「寂寞的人」

人从一开始，

就是寂寞的。
虽然有好多好多人包围着我们，
我们仍然是孤独的。

我们出生，父母给予我们宝贵的性命，温暖的家，无条件地爱。
我们却不满足。
我们想飞离鸟巢，放眼世界；我们想要有自己的一片天空。

于是，
我们成长，我们挥霍年轻，自由；我们对未来从满理想，希望；
我们却想要更多。

于是，
我们成人，我们工作，我们成为社会的栋梁，我们实践梦想；
我们还是不满足。
我们寂寞；内心的空缺，无人能填补。

于是，
我们又开始了；
我们追寻，我们相识，我们依靠，我们相爱。
两颗心却还不满足。
不甘寂寞；我们想要拥有属于自己的家；我们想要给予新生命，和未来。

于是，
孩子们出生了；他们长大，他们挥霍青春，享受自由。
父母亲老化，体弱，萎缩，枯萎，离开。
我们悲痛，怜惜，难过，自责。
可是看着孩子们成长，茁壮，坚强，独立，我们欣慰，感慨，快乐。
幸福终究还是在握手中。
离不开。

但是，
快乐是短暂的；
孩子们离开了，头也不回；
为了追寻自己的那片天空；为了建立自己的家庭；
我们又回到了彼此，相依为命。
两个人，我们不寂寞。

但是，
岁月不理人；
我们年长，衰老，病弱，摧残。
经不了岁月的摧残；他终究还是走了，
没有说一声告别的就离开了，
我，
又是一个人了。

仍然，我是一个人。
原来，我，是一个人。

来的时候是，
去的时候也一样，


人，
是寂寞的。

watched ping pong again today with my sister.

even though i knew where all the punchlines would be,
the silly and kind of random moments; this movie never fails to give me a really good feeling.
it's so comic, so cool, so exciting, so heart-throbbing, so adrenaline-pumping, so dream-inspiring;
it also has a really smashing fantastic soundtrack that i have been dying to find but have yet to get my hands on; my sister only agrees because it's half techno [given it's a sports-themed movie and kinda fast-paced, who would be surprised? it's befitting really.]

best line of the movie:

it's a tie between

「愛してるぞ」 [meaning, 'i love ya, man']
and
'girls don't go for ping pong players-'

it doesnt sound funny but you really gotta watch the movie to get the joke.

watch it here
http://www.dramacrazy.net/japanese-movie/ping-pong-the-movie/ping-pong-the-movie/


speaking of which, while 'clearing' my laptop, i found A LOT of japanese movies that i ripped off the net but have not gotten the time to watch. some art house/non mainstream ones. i dont know why but i feel like sometimes movies like these really need the right frame of mind to appreciate; it's like lately i keep looking for those cheesy/easy plot/fast-paced/simple-minded kind of movie/drama that is easy to follow/rolls through quickly or have characters that i can relate to more easily. it's easier to digest that way. takes a lot to stomach art house films.

some foreign films i watched [not so lately, mostly during the pre-exam cramming period]

---> antique bakery.
it's a remake of the japanese drama version but i must say it was initial apprehension mixed with excitement and doubt but in the end it turned out really pretty good, if not better than the original. they took out the element of the female writer in the drama, which cuts off the 'love interest' but there's plenty more to develop in the movie besides female distractions...
haven't read the comic, so have absolutely no idea how it compares... but the drama is so-so.
best casting of abe hiroshi and naohito as the bodyguard and the male-attracting dessert expert but the korean equivalents are as good if not, IMO, sometimes better.

if you fancy, you can watch if off youtube/my soju to compare the differences.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnF4VGzolAw
the japanese version:
http://wiki.d-addicts.com/Antique


--->handsome suits
as i've blogged before, i watched handsome suits.
it's really not that fantastic and kind of cheesy and over-acted in some parts but really moving and funny regardless. plus factor for a cute female lead [both the slim and pretty one and her supposedly-fat-and-ugly-looking equivalent]

if you haven't watched, you can catch it on my soju, or youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_9J3rGrq_w

--->detroit metal city
okay, so all the hoo ha about it was really... nothing. it wasn't that fantastic really. i really like kenichi but the character he's acting as in DMC is really not that likeable and kinda anal but a softie at times [when he doesn't need to be] so it's kind of a turnoff. and kato rosa is a respectable actress but this movie does NOTHING for her movie career. absolutely nothing.

watch it if you have a lot of free time. or need some really brainless random laughs.
but i really like it when kenichi's character sings the supposedly-girly songs. kind of nice eh, even if the lyrics are cheesy or like too girlish. but

甘い、甘い、甘い、甘い～　
恋人
恋人
恋人
恋人

is REALLY TOO CHEESY FOR A SONG CHORUS, HA HA HA. the tune is nice lah, though.

i also watched gou gou the cat.
i think i dont really get the movie because the subtitles didnt turn out right.


so im rewatching it now.
bye.

Years ago when I was younger
I kinda’ liked a girl I knew.
She was mine, and we were sweethearts,
That was then, but then it’s true

I’m in love with a fairytale
Even though it hurts.
‘Cause I don’t care if I lose my mind;
I’m already cursed

Every day we started fighting,
Every night we fell in love.
No one else could make me sadder,
But no one else could lift me high above

I don’t know what I was doing
But suddenly we fell apart.
Nowadays I cannot find her.
But when I do we’ll get a brand new start

I’m in love with a fairytale
Even though it hurts.
Cause I don’t care if I lose my mind;
I’m already cursed

She’s a fairytale
Yeah
Even though it hurts.
Cause I don’t care if I lose my mind;
I’m already cursed

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

shit,

i know he's not handsome,

the performance is kinda cheesy,

and the violin performance doesnt look live.

but the song is STUCK IN MY HEAD!!!!

today i mopped and swept the entire kitchen floor, a large section of the kitchen tiles particularly above and at the stove area, tided the hall table, washed and wiped clean the wash basin the 3 of us use, and also ironed some blouses, shirts and handkerchiefs. [is it handkerchieves?]

i'm saving the very exciting thing to do in june, i think.

besides that i dont have anything exciting now.

i think i'll clean more tiles tomorrow.

and they just re-upped the trick 2 episodes, so that's one thing more for me to do.

anyway, they're the weirdest couple? no? cute regardless.

i suddenly thought of something extremely exciting to do that will cost me zero cents.

okay except maybe the transportation fee.

EXCITED.

hmmm, 

when should i do it?

'i wanna go to a place'

-----------------------------------------------------------------

i want to take buses, i want to walk, i want to sit in trains, i want to travel places, i want to meet people, i want to talk to strangers, i want to discover unknowns, i want to take bold pictures, i want to sit by a foreign and strange roadside, i want to lie on an unfamilar grass field, i want to look at a different sky, i want to set my eyes further, i want to pit my heart further, i want my hands to reach further, 

i want to write, write so much that i cannot stop, that the ink would become dry and my moleskine notebooks will be all out of paper; 

i want to draw, draw so much i cannot stop, that i would break all my colour pencils, graphite and charcoal sticks, and my erasers would just become shreds of rubber;

i want to see, see so much i cannot stop, that my eyes would hurt from the sunlight, from the moonlight, from the pain and luxury of all sights, 

i want to listen, listen so much i cannot stop, that my ears would sting from the sounds of the city, the piercing silence of the countryside, from words of hurt of love;

i want to walk, walk so much i cannot stop, that my legs would tire and i would wither and lethargy would consume me but still i cannot bring myself to slow their place; 

i want to love, learn to love so much i cannot stop, foreign eyes, strangers and friends, family and relatives; that so weak my heart and that it would consume me whole

i want to disappear, disappear to a foreign land, touch the faces of children in need, thoughtfully and generously lend a helping hand, carelessly give a broad smile, sing a silly road on a crowded street, leave my footsteps everywhere.

i wanna go to a place.

anywhere,

anywherebut here,

here and now.

let me leave,

and not come back.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Space Loves Disco - Humming Urban Stereo


Space loves Disco, keep on dj'ing
Space loves Disco, bring it back to me
Space loves Disco, hello my baby 
Space loves Disco, let's get it on 

When I was listening to Jackson's "Billy Jean"
I imagined I was space travelling 
When I become a lady from the little girl I am 
I'm gonna ride on a space "De Lorean" 

Wanna be, wanna be recklessly driving, Go, Go 
Wanna be, wanna be everyday everynight 
Wanna be, wanna be feel this and tell me now 
Wanna be, wanna be follow me just to me 

Wanna be, wanna be recklessly driving, Go, Go 
Wanna be, wanna be everyday everynight 
Wanna be, wanna be feel this and tell me now 
Wanna be, wanna be follow me just to me 


After fuelling the car to speed up 
Go to planet B512 
Foxy dude little princess joins us 
Dance all night and sadness fades away 

I wish the party would never be over 
It is short but night is lasting 
Kiss me twice 'til crazy beat's over 
Make me high and take my everything 

Fill me up with sweet Space Disco 
Tell me the truth and bring me paradise 
Dance with me til the song is over 
Don't need to get down to earth anyway 

The party will never be over 
Dance with me to sweet Space Disco 
Stay with me til the song is over 
Dance with me and sadness fades away 

Wanna be, wanna be recklessly driving, Go, Go 
Wanna be, wanna be everyday everynight 
Wanna be, wanna be feel this and tell me now 
Wanna be, wanna be follow me just to me 

Wanna be, wanna be recklessly driving, Go, Go 
Wanna be, wanna be everyday everynight 
Wanna be, wanna be feel this and tell me now 
Wanna be, wanna be follow me just to me

qiuhan hasn't decided if she's going to graduate this sem [i know, incredible right? she lives up to her fickle-gemini-character, she said so herself] but if she is, then she'll want to go somewhere far because it's her grad trip.

qiuping is working and doing acca classes at the same time, so she can't go far;

the most is a 3 day 2 night holiday somewhere near.

huichiang is saving up to go visit her boyfriend and do her thesis in japan in july, so she's not planning to spend any money or do any activities that will hurt her wallet.

everyone has their own agenda;

how are we supposed to go somewhere together?

sometimes i really feel that way; that the older we get, the further we drift apart;

it's not about not caring for each other; but it's just that everyone has different priorities in life; different places they want to go, different things they have to do, different people they have to entertain, different groups they have to belong to; it' can't be helped that things change.

sometimes i wish we could go back to those days;

when we weren't so preoccupied with our CAP scores; with those lame university 'holidays',

when we were dressed in blue with grey and gold striped ties, when classes were boring but fun because of each other; when we would pose with our lame haircuts and the classroom cleaning items; when we were young; brimming with hope; when we were careless; 

but even if everyone has their own agenda;

don't i have my own?

i wish i could muster up the courage;

pack my bags and plan my own;

tell my parents i am to leave;

to some where somehow

just for a while.

alone, anywhere.

i would walk the streets alone; listen to people talking at the cafe; stop and lie down on the grass in the park; take pictures of street lights and zebra crossings, 

and leave my trace there.

most of all;

i want to travel alone.

----------------------------

today i met joon kit in hall to go to ikea and also to shift some stuff to put in his room temporarily for the holidays. i donated my stool [the green one that soohf uses to prop her legs onto because her legs aren't long enough to touch the ground when she's sitting on the chair; her legs are left dangling so it's kinda uncomfortable. it's funny right?] to rag/him cause i was quite sien to bring it back.  

joon kit said there is zero assurance of it being returned to me in its pristine condition,

but i like it; i like the idea that on the stool will be sitting the butts of many tired but amazing rag designers, engineers, rag head, rag vice, rag admin and maybe some seniors.

my stool will be even more famous than Vijay liew's. 

not to mention, nicer to sit on. ho ho ho.

it feels a little bit empty that i'm not doing rag this year.

it's like a void that i usually fill with some block of wood, but went missing this year.

i will not deny that up till the very last moment i was STILL thinking about doing rag because of, well, because. a lot of factors. 

i will not deny the fact that 

definitely without a doubt if gui ming wayne joined rag again this year,

the probability of my joining rag again would increase by an exponential number.

i dont know why actually;

we don't really talk. sometimes i dont even know why he mixes with some people, which i really cannot stand. but in my heart i think it is fate that we met each other since orientation and did so much saikang together. HAH. 

and LOH JOON KIT tried to trick me to join rag by telling me that yew hungseng and lau hongjin were joining. luckily, not my usual gullible self, i was not taken in. [*cue for soohf to applaud me now. she is always lamenting on how easily i am tricked. =( really?]

but i feel like going back to help already!

ha.  

i so miss the feeling of sleeping under my work table in the wardrobe/reading room and having shazzy wake me up at 7am for breakfast.  =( shazzy. SIGH. 

they're planning a shuttle ragger's malaysia trip but we always talk talk no action. hopefully it all works out, along with the RA stuff that i have on hand. if not i ll have to give it a miss. but at least we're visiting putra in solo in july, and then coming back to help with EHOC. jin says he'll help but he went back already. wayne is doing EHOC, Vijay moved out, han cheng busy with internship.

what happened to the 'seniors fellowship' that they were always talking about?

everyone has their own agenda, which is different, of course.

sigh....

i think i will have mixed feelings,

when i show support at NUSSU rag and flag day,

no longer as a rag veteran/rag newb, but as a senior, ragger no longer.

whether we win or lose, shield or not,

i know a part of me will be sad i was not a part of all this.

oh,

and this is totally irrelevant and off-topic,

but J cut his hair [after my constant pleading] and it looks hilarious.

i know i am pure evil but at least he doesn't read this.

i know that most people think i am physically stronger than most girls are,

and it IS the truth, 

but i don't like that being taken for granted.

sometimes if it's really heavy,

it's not that i'm incredibly strong;

i just bear with the weight and carry it 

and try to make it seem really effortless.

i know it's just my pride.

strong doesn't mean i don't like being taken cared of,

being treated like other normal girls, 

or being offered help, okay?

sigh.

do that something, 

go that somewhere,

and

be that somebody

that you always wanted to be but couldn't/didn't/weren't.

'i wanna go to a place.'

surprisingly the paper ended off quite okay.

it kind of reminded me of my o level mathematics paper, which was really quite okay.

except that upon soohf's reminder, i realised i didn't really know how to do like 30% worth of the questions. but that's okay since i wasn't aiming for like damn high results anyway.

met up with wei today.

we ate dim sum [xiao long bao! =) and some kind of fried substance with fresh prawn inside that wei described as 'oily on the outside and dripping with oil from inside' , and also this spicy dumpling like thingy. then we walked around like we were the free-est people in the whole wide world. we can all bum together now for whatever's left of this week, but it's vesak day already and then after that wei's granddad's birthday, then her father's birthday and also mother's day so it's kind of a quardruapile [cant spell] happiness weekend for her. 

so smashing exciting.

and she could tell that i wanted to talk.

but i felt happy that she had things to tell me as well, since sharing should always be mutual.

i think the fact that i used the xiao long bao to narrate circumstances made everything so much simpler and like foreign to me [as if i'm not a part of it, ha! 好像事不关己。and then i proceeded to eat the trouble-making xiao long baos [my own included], HA. if only things were as simple as eating xiao long bao. =( 

and then we started talking about some things, and how we felt, and it really surprised me that she felt the same. the 共鸣 is incredible. so now, two tired, somewhat-weathered and somewhat occasionally desperate-feeling women [okay maybe not her, but i'm starting to feel the age and desperation already. sometimes i really think i might just be alone forever. maybe that was the way i was made to be] talking about random things, and looking back on how we were, young, excited, brimming with hope and aspirations for the future, just only 3 years back.

we talked about vegetable, and meat, and not wanting to starve, not compromising, not hurting other people, not hurting ourselves, being truthful, being deserving, being yourself.

who would have thought we're using the same avoidance technique?

and i hate to admit it [it's shameful] but i act ignorant sometimes. it's really convenient, i realised. like to avoid certain awkward circumstances or people you don't really want to reject in the face. it's really the best strategy.

and everything is so easy when you say it,

but i have everything in my pride.

how could i risk anything?

and nothing is like expected.

the least of all myself, i learned.

but at least nothing shocks me anymore.

but my heart still cannot take the sudden stimulation/depressions.

it's too much to bear, lah. how about some peace and quiet. 

and also we met miao later after that

and we ate and ate and ate. haha. 

i always laugh when soohf says her mother complains that all she and huan jin does on dates is eat and watch movies and eat and eat and eat. today wasn't a date but i can totally get the eating and eating and eating part. laugh at me now, go ahead. 

but i like that when we eat we just talk and laugh and unwind. miao just started talking about her poor relative with the world's most unglam and incredulous name [NG AH BAH. LOL!!!] and i just COULD NOT stop laughing because her face was priceless everytime she said it. amusing.

and this is totally random,

but i saw najip ali!!! like the malay tv host guy with the inferior complex and must always wear glasses even though he has perfect eyesight [cek gu said so! it's such a coincidence, we just saw him on tv like last week? during the raggers shuttle movie gathering] and then i just couldnt help but message elfie in my excitement. haha. randomness.

later on i got back to hall, then met yap, gui ming and elaine tian for supper.

ohmygoodness i just realised how much i will miss tian ching ching after she goes on exchange in the land of legalised gays and drugs. it's just so comfortable to have her around, even if she's so phantom and we haven't really talked much during the semester. 

and then we ended up talking about random things, updating each other on events and happenings, feeding speculations about who doing what next semester, who running for what, who is going where etc. 

and then it got me thinking.

looking back on the happenings for this semester,

and how things have changed for better for worse, between me between you.

and it's evil/horrible/sad/weird/strange/indescribeable but i still find it peculiar/unexpected/uncanny/ that i've felt a marked increase in better/positive treatment towards me. i know maybe it's really just my personal issues, but i still find it hard to convince myself that people are nicer to be because my hair has grown back and i look noticeably friendlier [be it because of the hair or not].

and it matters that it matters to me.

which reminds me of the conversation j and i had the other day;

me : 'oh, speaking of which i might go shave my head again, since it's about that time. hah.'

      j: ' but WHY you already did it once before isn't that enough'

 me: '.... but i think it will be a different experience this time... and besides it's like a good deed, they donate money to charity for the number of heads shaved mah....'

      j: '.....'

  me: '..... well...'

      j: ' how much is it?'

  me:'huh?'

      j: 'how much do they donate if you shave? i donate for you, you DON'T SHAVE.'

which at this point of time i broke out into laughter.

and then we continued talking about hair, and superficiality, and i said how hair shouldn't be important if i really mattered as a friend to people but j insisted that my face 'looks good with hair'

haha. 

that is a compliment nobody can deny, you think?

i think we'll have lot's to talk about when he's back.

which is in a long time, but time flies, so...

in the end,

at the end of the day,

wei asked me

'so now what are you going to do'?

i really don't know.

really don't know what to do now.

but i think at the end of the day,

i still cannot settle for a second-best alternative, 

even if the best alternative is absent/there is none.

because if nobody can fill that void,

then nobody will.

when somebody likes you

even if you say something really blunt and thoughtless

and kind of tactless and mean right to his face

and you know that

it still won't matter

cause the like remains.

and then maybe they even apologise

for absolutely no reason at all.

somehow it makes me a little sad,

and also some how perplexed and disgusted

cause i've been there, done that, experienced it, but

i didn't think i would be the one do something like that.

--------------------------------------------

need more chocolate biscuits and something sweet.

man chun bro's webcasts are awfully boring.

and i ran out of bubble wrap already.

it's going to be an awful long wait till the weekend. 

J suddenly msned me. 

even though i was, for most part, cheery and happy sounding on msn,

i knew something weighed heavily on the back of my mind, and i could feel, 

that my gut, which is very accurate, was definitely correct, was telling me that 

there was something very wrong.

he's going through a rough patch.

i think it's not easy. being alone in a foreign land. 

and it sounded like he had issues. J never has issues.

he doesn't have time for them. he's too busy with things.

but we NEVER talk. like NEVER. okay maybe sometimes, but

if he msns me, 

there MUST be a problem.

there was, a problem, in reality. 

many, i should think.

but who am i to say?

i have even more issues.

like unresolved issues.

but i'm just really glad that we talked a lot of things out,

and that i verbalised close to 90% of what i always wanted to say.

[it's good to feel mutual respect and appreciation of your existence]

but of course some things are left unsaid; i like how the way they are.

come to think of it, he was the only person besides jason, that i really hit it off with during orientation, and jason isn't even in hall anymore. and i really regretted not sending J off at the airport, kind of because we disagreed on things and it ended off on a bad note and i couldnt eat up my pride, but he says it was a good thing because the sendoff turned out quite badly.

but why would it be good if i didnt turn up when the sendoff was bad?

that i cannot quite understand.

oh well.

but i guess we all changed, no?

in more ways than one.

but change... 

may not be a bad thing.

and it seems like singpost has been quite true to it's efficient and reliable reputation.

it's all very exciting when you have friends in philly, UK and like finland. 

and very exciting-looking/weird-smelling postcards in your mail.

J said he tried to send me something but apparently, 

nothing he sent back to sg ever reached anyone

and he totally just wasted the 4USD postage.

kind of amusing. 

--------------------------------------

the fact that we exist implies we impinge on other's existence, causing discomfort, causing frustration, causing negative energy, negative emotions in them.

the only way of coexistence is tolerance.

today i was asked 

'why do you want to make friends with solitude?'

somehow somewhat

i always believed that in this world, people are generally alone.

other people come and go in your life, and to make things easier,

for time to pass faster, for things to be done more efficiently, or maybe

just so you don't feel so alone, sometimes you connect with others for some bit

but it never lasts, because people die, and people need to sleep, and

i always believe

there ultimately cant be someone who's always there for someone else.

not without compromising the life of that someone.

i could never promise to always be there for someone

because i know there are times that i might not be physically there,

or times that i'm asleep, or times that i'm just preoccupied with my own priorities.

i could never promise to wake up to answer your phone call, and not sound tired and grumpy or distracted, or to rush back to be by your side when you need a shoulder to cry on, or a hug.

i could always try really, really, really hard, 

but

in the end,

ultimately,

we're all alone.

nobody can fill that void.

not even you.

maybe it just takes some time to sink in.

and the thought is enough to make me happy, 

but i could never bear to wake you up.

so sleep, 

and sleep well.

goodnight.

---------------------------------------------------

i'm really grateful for all the times in the lounge when i was sleepy,

or when i was tired, or when i was hungry or when i needed sth.

mr katak would never fail to ask me if i needed to ta pao

and i would never fail to say 'no money no food'

but inside i anticipated that food would always appear somehow.

because that's been what's happening 9/10 of the times i was hungry.

the 1/10 of the time it didnt happen i just went to sleep and ignored it. gah.

because i have the amazing ability of making food appear when im hungry.

okay, maybe not.

just really good friends who make sure i never go hungry.

esther always says 'its just cause i dont want the hassle of carrying you to hospital when you faint of hunger or something.' so classic. that could never happen to me, but i appreciate it.

appreciate her efforts, appreciate her concern. 

and the b3 girls, like ruichin and qianlyn, and roomie soohf have always been doing stuff like cooking desserts for everyone during exam time, and also we always just put whatever food we have on the lounge study table so that everyone can eat and share the fats. 

it's a nice feeling.

suddenly it hit me that

it's really quite true.

that 我有人缘。

generally i guess i'm well-liked. 

substantiates my efforts making lame jokes to make people laugh.

countless girls have giggled and told me excitedly that i'm such a funny person.

okay maybe it doesn't come easy and i have to try to think of witty things to say,

but i try very hard to make it seem flawless and effortless.

i'm actually really boring.

really. 

so boring i think you could die.

how? im so uninteresting it's sad.

it's tiring thinking of witty things to say all the time.

it just doesn't come naturally. i'm not charismatic, unlike some!!!!

but i'm not really sad about it.

it's just something i've always thought about.

okay, i really need to go out today to buy that biscuit that rui chin gave us to eat yesterday.

need to buy more food to tide me through these last few exam days. 

it's so freaking nice!!!!!!!! better than tim tam already. 

do you like chocolate biscuits? 

i always wanted to have someone

who i could talk to

when i was feeling shitty

when i was feeling exposed

when i was feeling vulnerable

when the whole world was asleep and i was wide awake

to 'be there'

even if 

it's not that there's really anyone there.

suddenly it hit me

there is.

it's solitude.

strangely i dont feel worried for the exam.

the 2 cups of coffee was definitely a bad idea.

the heart burn [or is it heartache? i can't tell] is so horrible

i dont think i can sleep. should have just drank the usual green tea.

i think i'll always associate coffee with this experience, like from now onwards! 

like i'll get a taste aversion to coffee or something; how to forget!!!!=/

william james said, emotions are the bodily feelings of our actions

i'm totally feeling it right now....

but somehow i feel happy.

and you know what, 

J was right, i think.

i do get easily distracted.

but hopefully it's not just this.

do the 

'which eusoff rag head are you?' facebook quiz!

http://apps.facebook.com/whicheusoffraghe/quiz/questions?quiz_metric[activated_at]=1241372498&quiz_metric[increment]=feeds_clicked

:)

okay i know i'm borliao,

but this is for memory's sake

and also, out of fondness, for these 4 people.

and for all the time, effort, blood, sweat and tears us raggers have put in for rag and eusoff.

when i have children next time i can tell them i used to grind metal bars, drill screws and like saw wood and flatten metal L bars during my university hall vacations.

it was worth every single bit.

--------------------------------------------------

happy.

okay i'm happy.

but i wonder how long will that last.

sigh.

期望越高，失望越大。

don't put my hopes up too high....

just keep a little contentment inside my heart.

keep it there. im holding it gently.

yesterday for my sister's birthday i told her my second deepest darkest secret.

or so i think? because i always tell her stuff i dont tell anyone else anyway.

because she definitely knows me best, and even if she cant help me,

it's just always good to have her there, even if there's nothing.

i can't believe it, i told her even things that i had to cover

my face with the pillow to prevent her from seeing my

extremely embarrassed face. things i didn't dare 

admit, things i knew but couldn't come to terms

with, but i'm just glad that they came out.

when i asked her if it's complicated, 

she said,

'i totally agree with you that it's complicated'

it's freaking complicated, can!

i can either spill my guts

and have myself humiliated for life

or accept somebody's gut. 

and be hated by someone else for life [or so i think]

so

the best choice is to

keep to myself until i die

my guts, thoughts, feelings intact

how smart, really.

and it's too bad i couldnt 

bring myself to tell her my

darkest secret.

i believe it will stay with me until i die.

maybe i dont trust that anyone would treat me the same way

if i told them or they found out, intentionally or by accident.

because i dont love myself

i dont have the right/ability to love others.

but never mind that

because yesterday was the best i had in a long time.

i didnt realise it but my parents are getting frail and old.

sometimes i worry that if im just careless or dont look

they'll leave us and leave the 3 of us behind,

i'm really really scared sometimes....

it's never been like that before.

how can anyone want to be alone?

------------------------------------------------------

over the weekend i hit my head against the desk,

knocked my small toe accidentally against the door,

and also accidentally fell asleep on the sofa while taking a break.

and the entire stress of all the exams/my worries/my troubles are contained

entirely and wholely on the back of my shoulder blades...

the strain is so horrible i feel the burden could kill

i'm so tired 

i need a holiday

need to get away 

from these people

and this place

holiday :)

holiday.....

ho li   d a   y 

Daft punk

Something About Us

It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there's something about us I want to say
Cause there's something between us anyway

I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there's something about us I've got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life

more than anything in my life.

i can't believe it but i think very soon i will have to adopt the avoidance technique.

i cannot ignore it since i know my gut is extremely accurate at sensing this

this kind of thing that i cant bring myself to say or spell out loud out of

out of fear of the whole world knowing 

in the end i guess i'm a coward too.

don't ask, don't ask, 

and everything

will be alright....

please don't ask....

i think when the exams are over

i will have a good think about things

maybe ask hc, qh, qp, wei and miao about it.

sometimes i just don't know what's good for myself.

----------------------------------------------------

i have freaking a lot of clothes.

and a bunch of freaking good friends.

with every year it seems to be harder to leave

leave this freaking place that sometimes freaking

breaks my heart

the longer i stay

the more reasons i find

to convince myself i shouldnt

go home

sigh.

a blink of an eye

and i'm now a year 3/4

and my wardrobe is x n bigger

and my social circle is x n larger

and also these friends are x n dearer to me...

stupid eusoff hall.

i hate you more than anything.

i wish i moved out in semester 1 year one

when j was still here and saying he would burn you down.

stupid eusoff hall.

how i will miss you

miss this

miss everyone

miss everything

when next year it's this time again.

sigh. 

let's not think so far, okay?