surprisingly the paper ended off quite okay.

it kind of reminded me of my o level mathematics paper, which was really quite okay.

except that upon soohf's reminder, i realised i didn't really know how to do like 30% worth of the questions. but that's okay since i wasn't aiming for like damn high results anyway.

met up with wei today.

we ate dim sum [xiao long bao! =) and some kind of fried substance with fresh prawn inside that wei described as 'oily on the outside and dripping with oil from inside' , and also this spicy dumpling like thingy. then we walked around like we were the free-est people in the whole wide world. we can all bum together now for whatever's left of this week, but it's vesak day already and then after that wei's granddad's birthday, then her father's birthday and also mother's day so it's kind of a quardruapile [cant spell] happiness weekend for her. 

so smashing exciting.

and she could tell that i wanted to talk.

but i felt happy that she had things to tell me as well, since sharing should always be mutual.

i think the fact that i used the xiao long bao to narrate circumstances made everything so much simpler and like foreign to me [as if i'm not a part of it, ha! 好像事不关己。and then i proceeded to eat the trouble-making xiao long baos [my own included], HA. if only things were as simple as eating xiao long bao. =( 

and then we started talking about some things, and how we felt, and it really surprised me that she felt the same. the 共鸣 is incredible. so now, two tired, somewhat-weathered and somewhat occasionally desperate-feeling women [okay maybe not her, but i'm starting to feel the age and desperation already. sometimes i really think i might just be alone forever. maybe that was the way i was made to be] talking about random things, and looking back on how we were, young, excited, brimming with hope and aspirations for the future, just only 3 years back.

we talked about vegetable, and meat, and not wanting to starve, not compromising, not hurting other people, not hurting ourselves, being truthful, being deserving, being yourself.

who would have thought we're using the same avoidance technique?

and i hate to admit it [it's shameful] but i act ignorant sometimes. it's really convenient, i realised. like to avoid certain awkward circumstances or people you don't really want to reject in the face. it's really the best strategy.

and everything is so easy when you say it,

but i have everything in my pride.

how could i risk anything?

and nothing is like expected.

the least of all myself, i learned.

but at least nothing shocks me anymore.

but my heart still cannot take the sudden stimulation/depressions.

it's too much to bear, lah. how about some peace and quiet. 

and also we met miao later after that

and we ate and ate and ate. haha. 

i always laugh when soohf says her mother complains that all she and huan jin does on dates is eat and watch movies and eat and eat and eat. today wasn't a date but i can totally get the eating and eating and eating part. laugh at me now, go ahead. 

but i like that when we eat we just talk and laugh and unwind. miao just started talking about her poor relative with the world's most unglam and incredulous name [NG AH BAH. LOL!!!] and i just COULD NOT stop laughing because her face was priceless everytime she said it. amusing.

and this is totally random,

but i saw najip ali!!! like the malay tv host guy with the inferior complex and must always wear glasses even though he has perfect eyesight [cek gu said so! it's such a coincidence, we just saw him on tv like last week? during the raggers shuttle movie gathering] and then i just couldnt help but message elfie in my excitement. haha. randomness.

later on i got back to hall, then met yap, gui ming and elaine tian for supper.

ohmygoodness i just realised how much i will miss tian ching ching after she goes on exchange in the land of legalised gays and drugs. it's just so comfortable to have her around, even if she's so phantom and we haven't really talked much during the semester. 

and then we ended up talking about random things, updating each other on events and happenings, feeding speculations about who doing what next semester, who running for what, who is going where etc. 

and then it got me thinking.

looking back on the happenings for this semester,

and how things have changed for better for worse, between me between you.

and it's evil/horrible/sad/weird/strange/indescribeable but i still find it peculiar/unexpected/uncanny/ that i've felt a marked increase in better/positive treatment towards me. i know maybe it's really just my personal issues, but i still find it hard to convince myself that people are nicer to be because my hair has grown back and i look noticeably friendlier [be it because of the hair or not].

and it matters that it matters to me.

which reminds me of the conversation j and i had the other day;

me : 'oh, speaking of which i might go shave my head again, since it's about that time. hah.'

      j: ' but WHY you already did it once before isn't that enough'

 me: '.... but i think it will be a different experience this time... and besides it's like a good deed, they donate money to charity for the number of heads shaved mah....'

      j: '.....'

  me: '..... well...'

      j: ' how much is it?'

  me:'huh?'

      j: 'how much do they donate if you shave? i donate for you, you DON'T SHAVE.'

which at this point of time i broke out into laughter.

and then we continued talking about hair, and superficiality, and i said how hair shouldn't be important if i really mattered as a friend to people but j insisted that my face 'looks good with hair'

haha. 

that is a compliment nobody can deny, you think?

i think we'll have lot's to talk about when he's back.

which is in a long time, but time flies, so...

in the end,

at the end of the day,

wei asked me

'so now what are you going to do'?

i really don't know.

really don't know what to do now.

but i think at the end of the day,

i still cannot settle for a second-best alternative, 

even if the best alternative is absent/there is none.

because if nobody can fill that void,

then nobody will.