J suddenly msned me. 

even though i was, for most part, cheery and happy sounding on msn,

i knew something weighed heavily on the back of my mind, and i could feel, 

that my gut, which is very accurate, was definitely correct, was telling me that 

there was something very wrong.

he's going through a rough patch.

i think it's not easy. being alone in a foreign land. 

and it sounded like he had issues. J never has issues.

he doesn't have time for them. he's too busy with things.

but we NEVER talk. like NEVER. okay maybe sometimes, but

if he msns me, 

there MUST be a problem.

there was, a problem, in reality. 

many, i should think.

but who am i to say?

i have even more issues.

like unresolved issues.

but i'm just really glad that we talked a lot of things out,

and that i verbalised close to 90% of what i always wanted to say.

[it's good to feel mutual respect and appreciation of your existence]

but of course some things are left unsaid; i like how the way they are.

come to think of it, he was the only person besides jason, that i really hit it off with during orientation, and jason isn't even in hall anymore. and i really regretted not sending J off at the airport, kind of because we disagreed on things and it ended off on a bad note and i couldnt eat up my pride, but he says it was a good thing because the sendoff turned out quite badly.

but why would it be good if i didnt turn up when the sendoff was bad?

that i cannot quite understand.

oh well.

but i guess we all changed, no?

in more ways than one.

but change... 

may not be a bad thing.

and it seems like singpost has been quite true to it's efficient and reliable reputation.

it's all very exciting when you have friends in philly, UK and like finland. 

and very exciting-looking/weird-smelling postcards in your mail.

J said he tried to send me something but apparently, 

nothing he sent back to sg ever reached anyone

and he totally just wasted the 4USD postage.

kind of amusing. 

--------------------------------------

the fact that we exist implies we impinge on other's existence, causing discomfort, causing frustration, causing negative energy, negative emotions in them.

the only way of coexistence is tolerance.

today i was asked 

'why do you want to make friends with solitude?'

somehow somewhat

i always believed that in this world, people are generally alone.

other people come and go in your life, and to make things easier,

for time to pass faster, for things to be done more efficiently, or maybe

just so you don't feel so alone, sometimes you connect with others for some bit

but it never lasts, because people die, and people need to sleep, and

i always believe

there ultimately cant be someone who's always there for someone else.

not without compromising the life of that someone.

i could never promise to always be there for someone

because i know there are times that i might not be physically there,

or times that i'm asleep, or times that i'm just preoccupied with my own priorities.

i could never promise to wake up to answer your phone call, and not sound tired and grumpy or distracted, or to rush back to be by your side when you need a shoulder to cry on, or a hug.

i could always try really, really, really hard, 

but

in the end,

ultimately,

we're all alone.

nobody can fill that void.

not even you.

maybe it just takes some time to sink in.

and the thought is enough to make me happy, 

but i could never bear to wake you up.

so sleep, 

and sleep well.

goodnight.

---------------------------------------------------

i'm really grateful for all the times in the lounge when i was sleepy,

or when i was tired, or when i was hungry or when i needed sth.

mr katak would never fail to ask me if i needed to ta pao

and i would never fail to say 'no money no food'

but inside i anticipated that food would always appear somehow.

because that's been what's happening 9/10 of the times i was hungry.

the 1/10 of the time it didnt happen i just went to sleep and ignored it. gah.

because i have the amazing ability of making food appear when im hungry.

okay, maybe not.

just really good friends who make sure i never go hungry.

esther always says 'its just cause i dont want the hassle of carrying you to hospital when you faint of hunger or something.' so classic. that could never happen to me, but i appreciate it.

appreciate her efforts, appreciate her concern. 

and the b3 girls, like ruichin and qianlyn, and roomie soohf have always been doing stuff like cooking desserts for everyone during exam time, and also we always just put whatever food we have on the lounge study table so that everyone can eat and share the fats. 

it's a nice feeling.

suddenly it hit me that

it's really quite true.

that 我有人缘。

generally i guess i'm well-liked. 

substantiates my efforts making lame jokes to make people laugh.

countless girls have giggled and told me excitedly that i'm such a funny person.

okay maybe it doesn't come easy and i have to try to think of witty things to say,

but i try very hard to make it seem flawless and effortless.

i'm actually really boring.

really. 

so boring i think you could die.

how? im so uninteresting it's sad.

it's tiring thinking of witty things to say all the time.

it just doesn't come naturally. i'm not charismatic, unlike some!!!!

but i'm not really sad about it.

it's just something i've always thought about.

okay, i really need to go out today to buy that biscuit that rui chin gave us to eat yesterday.

need to buy more food to tide me through these last few exam days. 

it's so freaking nice!!!!!!!! better than tim tam already. 

do you like chocolate biscuits?