yesterday for my sister's birthday i told her my second deepest darkest secret.

or so i think? because i always tell her stuff i dont tell anyone else anyway.

because she definitely knows me best, and even if she cant help me,

it's just always good to have her there, even if there's nothing.

i can't believe it, i told her even things that i had to cover

my face with the pillow to prevent her from seeing my

extremely embarrassed face. things i didn't dare 

admit, things i knew but couldn't come to terms

with, but i'm just glad that they came out.

when i asked her if it's complicated, 

she said,

'i totally agree with you that it's complicated'

it's freaking complicated, can!

i can either spill my guts

and have myself humiliated for life

or accept somebody's gut. 

and be hated by someone else for life [or so i think]

so

the best choice is to

keep to myself until i die

my guts, thoughts, feelings intact

how smart, really.

and it's too bad i couldnt 

bring myself to tell her my

darkest secret.

i believe it will stay with me until i die.

maybe i dont trust that anyone would treat me the same way

if i told them or they found out, intentionally or by accident.

because i dont love myself

i dont have the right/ability to love others.

but never mind that

because yesterday was the best i had in a long time.

i didnt realise it but my parents are getting frail and old.

sometimes i worry that if im just careless or dont look

they'll leave us and leave the 3 of us behind,

i'm really really scared sometimes....

it's never been like that before.

how can anyone want to be alone?

------------------------------------------------------

over the weekend i hit my head against the desk,

knocked my small toe accidentally against the door,

and also accidentally fell asleep on the sofa while taking a break.

and the entire stress of all the exams/my worries/my troubles are contained

entirely and wholely on the back of my shoulder blades...

the strain is so horrible i feel the burden could kill

i'm so tired 

i need a holiday

need to get away 

from these people

and this place

holiday :)

holiday.....

ho li   d a   y