this, is cute.
but 30AUD plus goodness knows how much shipping for it?....
*mumbles*



















i should probably get used to paying 29.99 USD for a pair of jeans.

if it's good, that is.


















but paying USD 29.99 for a pair of jeans that says CHEAP monday is like an oxymoron.




sigh.

this is the 601st post, and a boy with a nice nose sat in front of me on the bus today,








and it made my heart beat very fast.

i hate my windows because it only goes to provide me further evidence that internet explorer is the worst invention to ever exist [with the exception of television of course, though i would say television is only an occasion evil] and that it will forever be a miserly, senseless, uncomparable substitute compared to mozilla firefox, which, to my delight, has plenty of functions [such as automatically remembering tabs should the computer suddenly choose to go cold shoulder on me, which totally makes IE pale in comparison, and given the fact that this IE i have on the communal home computer likes to close it's browsers on initiate by itself without needing the user to prompt it to do so, and at a timing that is likely to cause the user to moan in frustration,

there should be no reason why i continue using IE.

and why why why. i still insist.


i haven't been doing much these few days at all.
this weekend it was 1 x hurried packed hall breakfast, 1 x long queue at malaysian checkpoint, 2 x kim gary, 1 x borsch soup [which was rather disappointing, perhaps due to the fact it was sans sour cream], 5 x french toast [of which one was KAYA french toast, which SOMY says she likes better], 2 x hayao miyazaki's film's, n x yeohyeeyee'ssinging 'ponyo, ponyo, ladadadadadada!!!', animated actions and facial expression included [which, to my slight shame and much delight, i was influenced to join in later], 1 x a lamp, which switches on by flicking mr 'p's significant 'p' [which retailed for 28 rm, much to my delight. kikshou lamp, as chanyiyang calls it],
1 x walking from jaybee checkpoint to sg,

1 x waking up feeling hungover [FEELING is the word, how can you feel hungover when you didnt even drink booze? its just not right], 1 x sitting around not doing anything for a while, 1 x lame movie sequel to 2 dramas, 1 x awkward time in the cinema eating popcorn, 1 x cold ice lemon tea when i felt cold already [sigh, i wish you knew me better], 1 x seeing 'as big as your head' domokun, 1 x random teevee evening,

1x virtually unknown malaysian singer[the poor guy had less than 2 pages when i googled his name and album], who can't pronounce neither chinese NOR english properly [within the first 10 seconds i knew for sure he must have been a cantonese or hokkien or whatever dialect native speaker because his chinese definitely DID NOT MAKE THE CUT, yes that coming from me, and his english, oh, let's not even start about that] 1 x lame sounding song with cheesy lyrics but catchy tune that prettymuch goes 'dadadada, dadadadada' [yes thats the best part of the song, sadly. or maybe thats a good thing], n x window shopping online, 1 x black with gold rimmed watch cuff, 1 x nautical inspired denim shorts, 2 x wallets from uo, 1 x list of scary looking verbs and japanese vocab and forms which i should already know by heart [yeah, by hard you mean], 2 x list of abstract/concrete words controlled for frequency and word length [you probably have no idea what that means but what do i care] and corresponding pictures to accompany them which i should have already completed [though i have up till friday, though i doubt i will diligently do it tomorrow] 1 x afternoon of watching random episodes of gossip girl, n x wondering how come people as gorgeous as blake lively [she's one day younger than me for goodness sake and she's smoking hot and pretty and i love her smile]and leighton meeser [everyone i know, or vaguely know is emulating her style on gossip girl can exist on the same planet as me, n+1 x wondering why non-goodlooking people exist and their [or should i say MY, included] purpose in their existence, 1 x falling in love with onscreen couples, 1 x wishing teevee romances could be real, 1 x green tea, [now cold, since the fan has been blowing, though i dont feel any cooler, much to my chagrin]

okay, so uneventful start to the week.


i ll study okay?
at least i already have a breakfast date.

if anything,
this should be what it should feel like.

174-163 = 11.

that's just not right.
--------------------------------------------------
it's just a movie i don't know why it felt so wrong.
nothing in the movie was what i believed, what i wished, what i hoped, what i knew would come true.

maybe i was confused.
it should have never existed, regardless.



嫌い。
この感じ。


まだまだじかんですね、
もういか、このくだらないゲーム。
もう止めてもいいか、このくだらない物。

いま、もうわかた。
終に、また何も変わらない。

もう、冷たい人になりました。
それは何時か、
知らない。

遅いクーキー、
もう食べたくない。

いま、知っての事は
「絶対に、君に、じゃない。」
それだけ。

どんなのクーキーもういい。
今から、
クーキー、食べてない。
-------------------------------------------------

i'm doing all kinds of crazy things and nobody knows, nobody knows.
it's insane i think sometimes,
but i'm sure it's all sunny on the outside.

like a blouse hanging on the clothesline, sometimes i bask quietly in the sun,
i wait for the sunlight to surround me, envelope me, assure me,
and when it's raining i cry silently to myself,

誰に助けてください、誰に助けてくれ。。。



it's amazing,
how you can realise how pathetic you are, and things are, and the root of things,
and not be able to salvage anything to protect yourself.


oh,

shut up, bleeding heart.

like a criminal fleeing from the crime scene, i ran, in my heart [my tired legs just really carried me literally as i dragged them across the road to the nearest bus stop, all xy kg of me, 8 kg of my bogu included, weighing heavily down on my shoulders]


it was horrible.
i mean,

like horrible horrible.

i'm feeling so confused about things nowadays.
its like things never go like how i imagine; want them to be.
like the performance yesterday.
i never wanted to do a solo; it's so i-want-all-the-limelight-for-myself-thick-skinned.
and i really don't see a need for it.
i was squirming inside, essentially.

it doesnt matter whether people said their breath stopped for 5 seconds when they heard it,
or whether they said they were impressed, or that i can make it and not to be sad or worry,
to me, it was just not good enough.
not there, not there.
not. good. enough.

like an expired cheesecake, like ending an awful training, like realising you have five dollars left in your wallet, like not being able to eat the cookie that doesn't belong to you, like finding out that your favourite song has been deleted by someone accidentally, like singing a tune in your midrange [yeah, that really sucks, the whole changing register thing], like trying to do a dozen things at one time when all you really want is a small holiday, like feeling worthless for no reason, like a hot irritating afternoon that you just want to sleep in and do nothing, like the feeling of being fat and ungraceful, like the feeling of being unattractive and unconfident, like the feeling of being uncomfortable in your skin, like the feeling of not knowing who you are, who you want to be, where you want to go, like trying to encourage people when you're not even sure if you have enough left for yourself, like trying to set an example for people to follow when you're not even sure if you're bloody good enough, like trying to be strong when you're not, like....

like...

speaking of which.
i really don't seem to know where i am going. it's like my kendo learning curve is tapering off into goodness-knows-where-oblivion, and it doesnt seem to have any sign of curving upwards. with the except of the short segement of suburi cuts with the juniors [which, though lasted approximately half an hour, left me drenched in sweat], which i was extremely grateful for, i feel like i am deproving, if not not improving at all.

its a horrible feeling, to know all your mistakes, what you should do to correct them, but yet not be able to [maybe i'm too weak? or i didn't try hard enough?.... but i....] do anything right, not be able to feel confident, feel competent, feel like there's improvement.

i'm really glad we did suburi practice with the juniors, because as the chinese saying goes, wen gu zhi xin, and definitely i'm learning new things from revising all these basics everyday. it's like i'm starting to feel that my cuts are more left-handed, and there is less if not no strain on my right bicep [horayyy!] at all even by the end of suburi training, regardless of the hundreds of cuts we had done. it was quite amazing, really, the sudden foresight/revelation when the whole v-grip and left wrist tenouchi thing came to me, and wenhao's words kind of came to my mind and in my head it kept on replaying the time when he made us do the crazy impolite if-japanese-senseis-ever-find-out-we-surely-die shinai throwing exercise. of course not for a unknown cause. he had every reason to. and i felt like i didnt really get it at that time; sometimes maybe on and off the feeling was right, but i would lose it. but now i think i really get it. and my right arm doesn't hurt anymore, and neither does my left arm, though my wrists are a bit tired from all the tenouchi today.

but how come, once i put on my bogu,
my legs seem to move on their own, my hands have a life of their own, my wrists and finger seem to lose whatever reign and control they hand over my shinai, and poof! there goes my newly mastered tenouchi.

i can only say it was disappointment.
like major big time.

and to watch everyone go on autopilot today was very painful.
it's like we buy this crazily expensive equipment, spent a considerable amount of time maintaining it, and devote a rather insane [i would say, considering we are still students and studying should be our first priority, blah blah] amount of time to training in this and with this equipment. and hello if we don't improve, don't get stronger, don't become better so that one day finally we can chrome people instead of being chromed,

what's the point?
i don't know what everyone thinks but,
to me, it was one sole thought that dominated me :

i want to be strong.
that was all.

can you imagine the kind of reaction i had when km came up to me after training today and told me, you're really good at leading training; すごいですね、強いです。
i cannot express how badly i want to cry and laugh at the same time.
i dont know if it was sympathy or sincere praise [but either way it would be sad, wouldn't it?]
but all i wanted to do was to leave the place.
get away.
like really badly.


how can i encourage others, motivate others to be strong, not to go on autopilot, to challenge themselves, when i can't seem to correct my own mistakes?

and... things aren't the same anymore.
there are expectations, there are responsibilities, there are things to fulfill.
last year i would smile and be bashful and insecure at times and it was okay;
last year i could be the noop junior player sempo who tied all her matches and that was enough for kitt, enough for all of us to get a women's silver...

this year, i can't smile and do things freely, train as and when i want, come as and when i want anymore. i can't be noop and make silly mistakes anymore. i can't tie all my matches, because, if revelation hasn't hit you or me yet [yes for the nth time, here it is again, tanwenlin] the team will be relying on me, the most senior player now, to score the team points.
i can't because there are juniors behind me and i have to be strong and really good to show them what we are. i can't because everyone looks differently at me now, expects different things from me now...

it's like.....

it's like horrible.

what does this mean to me? all this?....

sometimes i wonder what would life be like if i was just an average student, who stayed at home, did boring stuff like studied all day or watch the telly, and not get myself involved in all these activies, these kinds, these patterns of things...

it seems like i'm not very good at these...
sigh...
-------------------------------------------------------

「強い」は何ですか？
意味わかない。
いま。。。。

強くなりたい、そう思った。
それだけ。

i can't remember what it was that kept me going on,
all the times i felt worthless and felt like giving up,

but i think it was something ex taicho said.
it was during the time during the elections, and it was something he wrote for the criteria for the captain, which is a position i have 1234578908743212345674323456787543245678 respect for.
it was something like

'captain isn't something you are, it's something you become.'

and i thought,
strong isn't something you are, wenhao,
but it's something you became.

and i thought, maybe,
sometimes, strong isn't something you are,
but something you become.

and then, things were better.

i don't know what's wrong,

i haven't been going to classes [much],
have been skipping 99.999 percent of my lectures,
haven't been doing 99.9999 percent of my readings,
haven't had the motivation to get going or get anything accomplished.

and today, oh, i mean yesterday, i skipped my only lecture for the day,
and slept for like n hours, where n ---> a incredibly guilt-ridden amount of time spanning from early morning to evening today, waking up in between on and off to check my email, my smses and also to try, albeit rather weakly, to read my abnormal text, which was essentially the reason i skipped lecture today [excuse rather] : that i hadn't done the readings allocated for that lecture yet, and that if i skipped the 2 hrs and read it by myself i'd understand it better than sit in and fall asleep and catch whatever i can of her thick hongkong accent trying to explain psych concepts.

yes.

whatever.

i'm becoming the ever so unmotivated student i never was, never thought i could be.
it's quite bad, i suddenly realised.

and i don't know why.

maybe too many things on my hands, so when i get some time i just spend it as if i have tons of it to spare, when i actually don't, and then probably my grades will end up suffering.

i don't know.
i just want a holiday.

when i come back, i'll study, i promise.
i hope.

there was nothing said but i saw betrayal in his eyes.
you know it's not the same when people never ever look you in the eye again, talk to you like last time, laugh with you like last time.

sometimes it almost feels like you're strangers.

i guess all i could feel was sadness and guilt that i could not stick it through the silent promise i made to him since the first time we did something together in hall.
only pity,

but no regret.

alas, things will never be the same again.
---------------------------------------------------------

something i've always wanted to do.

it was romantic, quiet, solitary.
with the exception of darell sitting opposite me, humming the tune of some chinese pop song, or occasionally letting out a giggle while her eyes were fixated at the laptop sitting in front of her.

maybe i'd have liked it better if i did it alone, but i was kind of glad she was with me.
it was quiet, and kind of nice.
we found a nice place, with power plugs, but i didnt bring my charger, forgetful and disorganized me, and thus had to ration my laptop battery, which turned out to be a good thing cause i actually did some work as a result.

and it was actually like how i imagined, with confused tourists sitting around, some busy-looking students focused on their words, random stranglers here and there, and the staff walking around doing random things, and the occasional pilot/stewardess or two, walking briskly, chatting with their companions if any, their hands tugging as their trolley luggage.

there is something nice about the place, the feeling of cleaness and freshness, and the feeling of being at a place where you're bidding people farewell, or welcoming new people or old people back... being at a place of loss, gain, acceptance, a place of transit, a place of wait...
a place nowhere in between.
and i like it.

it was a pity we couldnt really get into the area beyond the check-in, and darell was whining the whole time cause there was delifrance, ya kun, and all sorts of random things inside there to do and it was open 24/7 and the floor was nice and carpeted not like the outside.
but i guess it was nice.

i think i'll do it another time, maybe.
when i'm feeling emo.
take the last train there and camp the night till the break of dawn.
buy a cup of latte,
plug in my laptop,
have a good read or two,
chat with random people on msn,
surf meaningless websites,
or do simply nothing at all.

don't ask why i like it,

i just think it's romantic.

cute.

it's like.

going to a restaurant without your wallet, going to the cashier with no money, big breakfast without omelette and sausage and jam, mooncake festival without mooncake, chicken rice without chicken and rice, wanton noodles without wanton, green tea that isnt green, latte that isnt sweet and milky, brownies that arent chocolatey, classmates that are annoying, boys that are shallow, girls that are superficial, rainy days that dont make you feel blue, sunny days that arent sunny, sundays that dont make you feel like listening to sunday morning, tuesdays that feel like mondays continued, tutorials that seem neverending, clothes that you cant fit, shoes that make your toes hurt, going to an exam with a mechanical pencil and no eraser and pencil lead, leaving your house without your ezlink card, meeting a friend at the wrong place, buying a and then regretting when your friend's order b comes, waiting for something that never seems to come, sleeping and having to wake up when you're not quite finished with it yet, wanting to watch television and then realising that the cable tv isnt working, surfing the net and then the connection suddenly spoiling, your mom suddenly dying and you not ever being able to eat her homecooked meals again, your sister being lost and you not ever being able to whine and talk and laugh with and complain to her again, your dad not ever talking to you, the boy you like not ever going to see you again, not being able to eat the cookie on the table, when the milk isnt cold or warm but at room temperature, the smell of badly cooked brinjal, trying tp read in the toilet when the light is spoilt, trying to play basketball when you cant dribble properly, trying to play badminton when you cant hit the shuttle cock properly, trying to bowl when you cant aim straight, a skinny person telling a fat person that she's fat [both ways, either one it sounds like, whether the fat person is fat, or the skinny person is fat], being scrutinised at a coffeeshop while buying lunch, taking the lift with pee inside, walking behind somebody who's smoking, having a dozen people eating krispy kreme in front of you, giving you a present and then taking it back,





yeah, you get the drift.

i don't know why, how, but
it seems like.

things aren't that bad after all.
i think i can tolerate this.

it's hard,
but i ll find someway, some how.
it's only temptation,

i can do it.

178-163 = 15.
that's supposed to be....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------









































okay, it's a little bit of spamming, but since i've decided to write my next japanese lang presentation, 'my favourite person', on domokun, all this research is not a waste of time.

or so i tell myself.

okay, so nothing much lately, but i found a new it song, which is really, really good.

darell had extra free tickets for the misia concert that was last night, and so she asked me a few days ago, and i kind of jumped at the chance.




and now i kind of realise she has a very different idea of what it means to have a good time, because she admitted to me rather reluctantly yesterday, while the sound system was booming in our ears, and misia was dancing and singing and prancing around the stage excitedly, that she is a passive audience.

not surprising i guess.

i'm half sorry half glad that she invited me, because i had a 098765123456787654234567895456787263478 good time while she kind of really wanted to go home, especially after misia stopped singing ballads for the night and proceeded to, for a second time, ask us to 'dance with me, sing with me!'.





but i felt really glad near the end during the encore time while waiting for her to come out we rushed to the front and waited there because then, she really did come out! hurrah!

and then she gave us a really good time.



it reminds me of the other time i was at free the musique with hui chiang, and i was like this <----> close to cross-dressing Magnus Zingmark [well he did that for the koop islands album ] and he was staring at me somesort of weird manner while doing whatever he was doing [tuning the electronic stuff? i dunno]. it was a look of half annoyance mixed with i dunno happiness/peculiar-ness/amusement/shock. probably because he wouldn't expect someone from singapore to mouth the words of 3/4 of all the songs they were performing that night, given the fact that they're virtually unknown here.

well.



so misia. how was it?
it was, simply put, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
like incredibly good.
like amazing good.
like ohmygodwhatdoessheeattosinglikethat good.
like ohmygoodnesssheissoincrediblycrazy good.

her voice is amazing. the costume changes were okay i guess. couldnt see much in the beginning, only till after the encore segment, which weirdly lasted close to half the concert, did i see her up closer, like what, 100 m away? hmm. yeah.

her infectiousness, sincerity, singing ability, prowess, is really incredible.


okay i think i like her again.

for some reason the sight of him makes me deliriously happy.

aside from schoolwork, responsibilities, hall commitment choices, kendo things to do, a lot has been running through my mind. things that shouldn't be there, things that ought to be, things that don't make sense, things that i know are wrong, things that i can't help.

and despite how much i try to stop it, it seems like my thoughts have a life of their own.

they can run freely, make me do irresponsible things, things that, i know, deep down inside, are wrong, are bad, are guilty; should never be done.

and yet...


i guess i'm not really thinking nowadays.
don't really want to know the consequences, the weight of everything.
it's like, i'm really confused...


let's say you have two cookies in one hand.
you used to really like one cookie a lot. like you didn't know how much but it seems like it was quite a lot. but then you didn't get to eat the cookie. because of some reasons.
and then you waited really long for it but you just didn't get to eat it.
and now you're looking at the other cookie, which you never really appreciated before.
and then now you think that it looks really yummy, and it smells oh so really really really nice [yes it really smells very nice] and it looks very chewy and you so really want to eat it.
but then you're sad because you realise the cookie has a tag and it doesn't belong to you.

and so you know you shouldn't eat it.
but in your mind, your thoughts say, just take a nibble, it's fine, nobody will know
but you know.
you will know.
you do know.
and then you are sad.

then now suddenly it seems like you get to eat the first cookie.
but then now you're not so sure anymore...
whether you want to eat the first cookie....
because things have changed...


i haven't eaten cookies in a long time.



that aside,
hana yori dango on wednesday! maybe. but it all depends...
it's deepee full comm supper, but im not sure if i really want to go...
plus screw is meeting the choir gang on wed at holland v before she flies back to the home of good beer and shortbread.
and maybe wall-eee on thursdaaaaaaaeeeeeeeyyyy.

i don't know why but i feel like a sucker for movies now.
i miss eating popcorn and falling asleep in the cinema.
and the smell of....

you know.


yeah, i want to watch a movie.

what he said was, you got into both chingay dance and deepee dance, but cause you're a chingay member before that, there was deconfliction. you can do dance if you want to, just consider and let me know.




it's like i could use 9873234589876323456743245898323489434896567 words to explain the kind of dissonance i'm going through but in the end ultimately i have to make a decision and yet i dont want anyone to be not happy, and people to view me that way.

i'm not a sucker for limelight.
if i were, i'd have done it ages ago, once i came to eusoff, right?

rag, sets, these things,
things that seem small, senseless, mundane, uncared about, whatever,
things that people think are a waste of time
things that people speak of with a condescending tone like they want to flush it down the toilet,
things that are difficult, are tough, are hard, are....

they must matter to me.
you guys, you, must matter to me.
my friends, my comrades, my partners in crime, in tough times, in times of victory, in memories, in moments of tears.

i hope that i can be there, with you, through rag, through sets, through everything,
because only you, and you understand what it means, what it's like, why it is.
what other people say don't matter.

of course, these things mean so much more to me, more to me than wearing nice costumes, receiving flowers, being in the limelight...

but to make a choice.
i know i would regret.
if i did not make the decision i have made, now.



and so i've decided.

i feel like i've betrayed someone, disappointed some people, a part of myself included.

i'm not sure if its a good decision, or a bad one,
how people will think of me, how my friends will feel about it,
but,

i've made my mind, regardless.
i'm sorry, and thank you.

actually i typed quite a long post, and then when i clicked 'post', the webpage said 'browser expired' or something, and when i refreshed, it was gone, so i'm quite miffed with blogger.

that reminds me that this is the nth time this has happened and the nth time i reminded myself to cut and copy blog entries into wordpad first before publishing it, but as usual, for n times, i forget.

basically i think i wrote about how bored i am slouching on the computer chair with absolutely nothing to do [my readings quietly piling up on my dorm room table and in my bag] with the scv teevee box set malfunctioning and producing a regular tick sound every 3 seconds when switched on. and i think i also said i cannot imagine how bored i will be taking into account the fact that i cannot fathom the number of hours i will have left to vegetate and sit in front of the telly after it has been fixed, which will only be after tomorrow afternoon.

that's about less than 6 hours. gah.

and i wrote quite a lot about how i eat when i'm bored.

yes, and how eating is my hobby.
it definitely qualifies, because it has all the qualities of it.
i eat when i'm sad, happy, frustrated, angry, stressed, bored, when i'm really hungry, when i'm not so hungry, when i'm somewhat hungry, when i'm not sure of i'm hungry, yada yada.

and to me it's reasonable.

why, because eating is an activity that does therapeutic wonders that online shopping, yoga, pilates, counselling, or whatever raved about relaxing activity will never provide me.

you cannot imagine the amount of relaxation that floods through me when i munch furiously on some edible substance [doesn matter the taste usually, though it would be rather nice if the taste was somewhat pleasant]. it's just about diverting my attention when i have 9876523456789876543 things to do and only <--> amount of time.

when i'm sad, especially in secondary school, i used to rely a lot on my comfort foods, like warm soup, mashed potatoes, instant noodles, blah blah. they just provide the kind of assurance and comfort that nothing else, and usually no one else, has been able to provide, since my existence [with the exception of my mother, in some cases]

when im happy, it makes sense that i want to eat because generally im more highly charged, and attracted to sweet things like donuts, ice cream, chocolate, waffles, and unrelated things like german sausages and taiwan sausages and bacon and ham and egg and cheese and omelette and toast and pancakes and i know im moving to breakfast but it doesnt matter i often wish every meal was breakfast so i could eat breakfast anytime of the day, everytime, as i liked/like! ah, the splendour.

so it all makes sense to me. the only time i don't eat is when im really really busy, when im doing exams itself, when im really not hungry at all, when im really really angry, and when im quite excited. which is not that often, i guess.
and also when i sleep.

that reminds me, nowadays when i'm sad i usually emo and sleep, which is more cost efficient cause that helps me stay less fat and also keeps my wallet fat. not too bad, i think.


but yes, *gasp* i'm very bored, but not hungry.

at the back of my head i am still thinking about things to do, decisions to make, the stuff liew meichee talked to me about, the stuff gui ming wayne talked to me about, the stuff wenhao talked to me about, about kendo, about deepee, about chingay, about dance, about choir, about hall, about schoolwork, about classes, about assignments, about presentations.

and about making decisions again.

i hate this feeling.
because it's really not that easy, like choosing between a and b.
because seldom it's the case that a is obviously better than b, or b is obviously lousier than a. and thus i am in a state of cognitive dissonance, again.

i hate this feeling, of wanting to do 976532345678123456789234567 things but only having <----> time.

it's really not that easy. people tell me this, tell me that. say i should do this, say i should not do that. and then people don't tell me this, don't tell me that, but i know in their heart they really want me to do it.

it's like....
having to choose between a and b is so difficult, because when you're choosing a, it's like you're indirectly rejecting b, or labelling b as the lousier alternative, when in fact it could jolly well be as attractive or even better than a. just that sometimes circumstances... are not quite so simple.

i still haven't thought of a decision that can make me, you, him her, them, all of us, happy. it's not quite that simple.

it's horrible, this decision making. it's like there are infinite things for me to do and like only a finite number of myself [though a few more would definitely help] and finite amount of time. and it's like i want to do 87623456789876 things and be in 23456789876523875667 places with 234567897654567852345678 people at the same time but hello i only have 2 pairs of hands, not a thousand, like guan yin [though i wonder what he/she would do with all those extra pairs] and a pair of legs, not eight, so i can't spin webs and move quickly and eat flies for breakfast, but i think you get the point.


would you think i have changed, forgotten, just because of some things i want to do?
would you think i have forsaken you, and everyone, just because of that?
would you think that i am no longer with you, with everyone, because of that?
would you think that i have become like them? like that?...
no, it isn't that way.....

no, really, it isn't...




i still can't decide what i really want to do,
who i really am,
who i really want to become.

i need to measure the consequences, and reassess the weight of the issue, again.
again, again, again and again...



but no matter what,
i think it's quite impossible for me to make a decision that will not leave absolutely zero regret.

recently i've been listening to her songs again.



i don't know why, but i really love this song and this mv.
the tune is simple, but endearing,
the lyrics are adequate, and so apt, and....

maybe because she's cute, pretty, talented, and has a special voice.
the mv male lead is cute [in a geeky cool way] and he's every bit the perfect nose i've been looking for.

and plus! plus!
they have kendo inside :D

how great is that! though it looks damn weird when they're doing suburis. and the hayasuburi they did [im not sure if that was what they were trying to do] was damn funny. she had like zero tenouchi lah! haha. i feel so comforted when i watch her; it means i'm not that bad, right? :)

anyway right, this guy is called kid, from the daredevil group 'circus', from taiwan. they basically spend their free time doing all sorts of stuff like daring each other to run along a damn long road off a bridge into a lake bottom naked, eat lamb shit, superglue their nipples together and then try to run away from each other, blah blah.

they're like damn interested. and oh, they have an online store/label called 'outer space'. i really like the way the photos for their catalogue are shot, and the whole image and branding thing.

i'm quite flattered that hartono widjaya keeps insisting that he is some secret admirer or my bf [OH HOW I WISH!!! look at his beautiful nose!!!!*gasp*]


i think there is something about pictures, and how they are able to capture the most mystical/charismatic/crazy/fantastic/beautiful/vulnerable moments people have throughout their lives/during different phases of their lives. it's not the person; it's that moment, that minute, that second, that nanosecond, that feeling, that emotion, that mood,...

it's wonderful, really. to me, it is.

he's not that good looking, but this picture of him really just caught me the second i set my eyes upon it. some kind of feeling, some essence, some kind of thing that there was inside that i cant quite figure, can't quite put quite aptly into words. quite remarkable, really...

so it's been my msn picture since then.

today's hall dinner was nothing short of the usual disappointment.
goodness, i'm getting classically conditioned to dinner time itself, dinner time being the CS, conditioned stimulus, and my distaste for hall food being the CR aka conditioned response.

i make myself sound like a salivating dog.
or, so pavlov would wish.
i'm a big supporter of classical conditioning by the way, so no issues on that.

not with the state of our dismal hall dinner. heh.

i'm looking at the lunchbox [it's dinner, so i should call it dinner box?]
and wondering why i chose that veggie and now come to think of it, maybe i chose it purposedly so that i have every excuse in the world to avoid it because i oh so dislike it's aftertaste? because if i chose a neutral veggie i'd be obligated to stuff some of it inside of my rather reluctant mouth?




so,
nothing much happening, except for me slacking, doing some last minute work here and there, and deciding to buy some stuff online.
it's quite exciting really, like smashing exciting, with all the sales and sprees and i've recently taken a fancy to window shopping shoes.

hell yeah, i know you can't try the sizes and they probably wouldn't look good on my fat and broad and oh-so-not-elegant-feet but hell yeah they really look pretty.
and i really am starting to realise the wonder of heels and how the stretch my calves and elongate my not-so-slim and rather muscular looking short legs.

how i wish people would use 'tall and willowy' to describe me.


ah.

here, the pretties.






i really like this pair of oxfords with kitten heels.
im waiting for the preorder to open, but it might take ages. sigh.














my sis says dont be stupid and pay close to 30 for this. luckily i did not. but something keeps drawing me to it.












this is really cute/funky/whatever.
if i have to wear heels to work in future,
this is what i'd wear for sure.




















OMG. i LOVE this. like 100% love.
dont ask me why, it's pink, its girly, it has straps, it's really high, but

hell yeah, i'm getting this.






















i like this. but it's quite a hassle to get online, and not that cheap, so i ll have to give it a pass i guess. pretty neat though.
















i dunno. marni inspired flats. flats make my already fat feet look fatter.

somehow it's just ugly/beautiful.

















alright enough about shoes.

wonder of wonders,
the worst of the worst,


the outcome is as expected.

great.

i really don't know how to appraise my emotions now, along what dimensions either;
am i happy?
sad?
happy/sad/overwhelmed/full of pride/tired/irritated/annoyed

mixed feelings again.

so wayne popped the question,
why?
why why why.
because i didnt dare to, not last year, not the year before.
no one said i couldn't, i didnt qualify.
in my heart, to myself, i just didn't.

now that i know i do, it doesn't matter what the others think.
though i must admit there have been some looks of surprise.
its like people are looking at me with renewed interested, like i can almost see their thoughts runing through their minds :
'wow, i didnt know she's so zai!'
'wow, i didnt know she can D!'

yeah, well, i guess i can, it seems like.

so, now what?

the list says 'deepee' and my name is like the first on the list.
but wayne had to tell me that i got into both and they deconflicted and i have a choice.
'you want to D for chingay also? can ah. ha ha.'

thanks BRUDDER.



let's see, i have got kendo presidency on my hands, no 1. thats for sure.
kai above self, self training above everything else.
and i have choir, confirmed :)
so now,
it's either plan A, plan B or plan C.
plan A: chingay, aka rag part 2, plus dee pee.
plan B: chingay D plus deepee.
plan C: chingay D, no deepee.

and there's no deepee without chingay, because we spent bloody 3 months on the amazing float and i can't imagine not having to do anything with/about it. sit on it and wave, dance around it, throw candies off it, skate around it, roll around it, wipe my face on it, whatever!
OURS!

so i HAVE TO DO CHINGAY, by hook or by crook.
by D or by touchup.
so now, it's just which.

okay, so how now brown cow?

i know i really shouldn't be proud at all that i made it for deepee;
even wei phin got in! [no offense to him though]


on a small side note, the JCRC this year is amusing/amazing me with their incredible amount of time and commitment to things other than JCRC itself. allan alex in chingay, man yan and seng tuck in BOTH deepee and chingay.
a first for all JCRC, i must say. i dont remember vijay liew or jit having so much energy and time on their hands... all the best, i guess.
so man yan ah, so man yan.

come to think of it.
its so typically you.

the thought of shazzy being in chingay dance makes me happy for some reason ;
i'd love to imagine her being a cute pixie/elf!

but something that shazzy said make me really 100% agree:
there's this thing about eusoff hall,
everyone who's not a dancer will want to dance also,
because everyone is dancing!



hell, yeah, i can't deny,
i miss the feeling