actually i typed quite a long post, and then when i clicked 'post', the webpage said 'browser expired' or something, and when i refreshed, it was gone, so i'm quite miffed with blogger.

that reminds me that this is the nth time this has happened and the nth time i reminded myself to cut and copy blog entries into wordpad first before publishing it, but as usual, for n times, i forget.

basically i think i wrote about how bored i am slouching on the computer chair with absolutely nothing to do [my readings quietly piling up on my dorm room table and in my bag] with the scv teevee box set malfunctioning and producing a regular tick sound every 3 seconds when switched on. and i think i also said i cannot imagine how bored i will be taking into account the fact that i cannot fathom the number of hours i will have left to vegetate and sit in front of the telly after it has been fixed, which will only be after tomorrow afternoon.

that's about less than 6 hours. gah.

and i wrote quite a lot about how i eat when i'm bored.

yes, and how eating is my hobby.
it definitely qualifies, because it has all the qualities of it.
i eat when i'm sad, happy, frustrated, angry, stressed, bored, when i'm really hungry, when i'm not so hungry, when i'm somewhat hungry, when i'm not sure of i'm hungry, yada yada.

and to me it's reasonable.

why, because eating is an activity that does therapeutic wonders that online shopping, yoga, pilates, counselling, or whatever raved about relaxing activity will never provide me.

you cannot imagine the amount of relaxation that floods through me when i munch furiously on some edible substance [doesn matter the taste usually, though it would be rather nice if the taste was somewhat pleasant]. it's just about diverting my attention when i have 9876523456789876543 things to do and only <--> amount of time.

when i'm sad, especially in secondary school, i used to rely a lot on my comfort foods, like warm soup, mashed potatoes, instant noodles, blah blah. they just provide the kind of assurance and comfort that nothing else, and usually no one else, has been able to provide, since my existence [with the exception of my mother, in some cases]

when im happy, it makes sense that i want to eat because generally im more highly charged, and attracted to sweet things like donuts, ice cream, chocolate, waffles, and unrelated things like german sausages and taiwan sausages and bacon and ham and egg and cheese and omelette and toast and pancakes and i know im moving to breakfast but it doesnt matter i often wish every meal was breakfast so i could eat breakfast anytime of the day, everytime, as i liked/like! ah, the splendour.

so it all makes sense to me. the only time i don't eat is when im really really busy, when im doing exams itself, when im really not hungry at all, when im really really angry, and when im quite excited. which is not that often, i guess.
and also when i sleep.

that reminds me, nowadays when i'm sad i usually emo and sleep, which is more cost efficient cause that helps me stay less fat and also keeps my wallet fat. not too bad, i think.


but yes, *gasp* i'm very bored, but not hungry.

at the back of my head i am still thinking about things to do, decisions to make, the stuff liew meichee talked to me about, the stuff gui ming wayne talked to me about, the stuff wenhao talked to me about, about kendo, about deepee, about chingay, about dance, about choir, about hall, about schoolwork, about classes, about assignments, about presentations.

and about making decisions again.

i hate this feeling.
because it's really not that easy, like choosing between a and b.
because seldom it's the case that a is obviously better than b, or b is obviously lousier than a. and thus i am in a state of cognitive dissonance, again.

i hate this feeling, of wanting to do 976532345678123456789234567 things but only having <----> time.

it's really not that easy. people tell me this, tell me that. say i should do this, say i should not do that. and then people don't tell me this, don't tell me that, but i know in their heart they really want me to do it.

it's like....
having to choose between a and b is so difficult, because when you're choosing a, it's like you're indirectly rejecting b, or labelling b as the lousier alternative, when in fact it could jolly well be as attractive or even better than a. just that sometimes circumstances... are not quite so simple.

i still haven't thought of a decision that can make me, you, him her, them, all of us, happy. it's not quite that simple.

it's horrible, this decision making. it's like there are infinite things for me to do and like only a finite number of myself [though a few more would definitely help] and finite amount of time. and it's like i want to do 87623456789876 things and be in 23456789876523875667 places with 234567897654567852345678 people at the same time but hello i only have 2 pairs of hands, not a thousand, like guan yin [though i wonder what he/she would do with all those extra pairs] and a pair of legs, not eight, so i can't spin webs and move quickly and eat flies for breakfast, but i think you get the point.


would you think i have changed, forgotten, just because of some things i want to do?
would you think i have forsaken you, and everyone, just because of that?
would you think that i am no longer with you, with everyone, because of that?
would you think that i have become like them? like that?...
no, it isn't that way.....

no, really, it isn't...




i still can't decide what i really want to do,
who i really am,
who i really want to become.

i need to measure the consequences, and reassess the weight of the issue, again.
again, again, again and again...



but no matter what,
i think it's quite impossible for me to make a decision that will not leave absolutely zero regret.