i think i remember why i struggled so hard.

through my adolescence i've been trying so hard to find the kind of person i want to be.
the kind of daughter, the kind of student, the kind of friend, the kind of girl, the kind of woman.
and i've seen all kinds, all types, all sorts, all sizes.




i still remember vividly, sometime in jc when ash told me she felt i was more at ease with myself than before. 'it just seems like you're more comfortable with yourself now.' but why not, a year ago? 'it was like you were searching for yourself.'


but now sometimes i still question myself.
what kind of person, what kind of girl do i want to be?...

i hate the feeling when i feel i eye her with envy; the way she says things i wanted to, does things i wish i could do, approaches people the way i would never dare; the way she is cheerful, the way she asks for and accepts help without hesitation when she needs it, the way she can be vulnerable, the way she is gentle, the way she is sweet and caring, the way people, myself included, find her cute and loveable; she is small, and just the right size, the size to have others want to protect her, to be there for her, to love her



but when i say i want to be strong,
i guess in the end, i just really want to protect myself.

i wish i could take a break from all this.

i think i can't take this anymore.
i'm about to burst open with lie, contempt, envy, lust, jealousy, sadness, angst, and dozens of secrets and horrible things i keep for others and myself.

sometimes i wish that i could say what i really meant, do what i really wanted, behave in the manner i really naturally do, without having to care about the consequences, the obligation, the responsibility, the expectations.

i'm kind of disgusted with how nice i seem on the outside. i know to most people it seems like i'm a responsible, friendly, clean cut, good-natured easy-going person. no qualms, no issues, nothing on my mind. but the truth is, i can't surpress these negative feelings and it's driving me crazy trying to be a nice person and making people happy.

i hate how the way things are going now. i'm really dying inside.

i hate the ambiguous-ness of the state of things now, the in-betweens, the not-really-theres.
shu is right, to me, it's either black or white. food, is either tasty or not tasty, there's no such thing as ok whatsoever, because if it's ok i'd ignore it's existence. bland is nothing to speak of. it's good or bad, like or dislike, lousy or skilled. and that's the way things are.

there are a dozen questions i want to ask, a dozen people i want to question, to grab their shoulders, and shake the shit out of them. to question, to clarify, to find out.



but i can't. i shouldn't. i wouldn't dare.


i need to sleep it away.
--------------------------------------------------------

of kendo.

should i be happy? that i'm 6th kyu like 3 of the other juniors, and thus was allocated to the 'junior' side to train? i guess i should be, because it was a blessing in disguise because kato sensei and jason taught the junior batch. i'd probably feel like i'm learning things in the junior side, as compared to feeling completely demoralized and like shit at the senior side, where suresh was leading training.

i will always remember the way wenhao looked me in the eye when he said it; wenlin, you're not a junior anymore.
yeah. i'm not, but i'm no better than...

and the guys were talking about the upcoming grading, which is after the tournament.
parry, weijun, jiawei, kiat meng, shannon... it's really great to see that everyone's development and improvement is so promising, and i really feel happy for them, but i couldn't help but feel a sick feeling coming from the pit of my stomach when they cajoled me over to their table and persuaded me to join them in putting 3rd kyu as their grading goal.

you want me to be honest? i'm upset. i'm feeling like i'm no better than a junior, because i am, technically [since im the same grade as 3 of them] and i can't fathom the notion of jumping 3 grades to 3rd kyu, because to me, it just seems impossible.

yes, i would like to, but....



all this is so...overwhelming...

i've decided to put this away for a while, push aside the thought of tournament and grading just for a little while, and to focus on my techniques. i don't think my heart can take it.
but i'm glad that my body is showing improvement, and that muscle memory does seem to be working...

so much for training.

even though i say, yeah, we'll still be friends, i know that this uncomfortable feeling will never go away, will never leave my heart. things will never be the same. it's the same feeling that you get when you break up with your significant other, when you taste something that leaves you with a queer aftertaste tingling on your tongue; when you see someone's who's been horrible to you in the past, so horrible you just want to turn around and run away and pretend you saw nothing...

most of all...



i guess i was naive. i believed that friendship was something pure, untinged, protected from all the dirt and filth and dark desires and thoughts that lay within our minds, our hearts. but it's not true.

and it's deja vu.

i wonder why i can't be friends anymore. not after this... it's not the same.


i wonder why this is happening even, and of all times, now!
when i am unkempt, unattractive, uninterested, and as asexual as an amoeba! for goodness sake i would engage in binary fission to self-reproduce if necessary! i really don't feel a need for all this... things are perfectly fine the way they are; i'm enjoying the freedom, except for some moments late at night when nobody's looking.



but if it's not the right person,

can you tell me,


what's the point?

it's a little disappointing because a year has passed, my hair has come and gone, and is coming back again; people i've known have changed; my chin has become slightly sharper; my bestie has gone to hongkong for exchange; my CAP score has improved slowly,

and yet things in here still haven't changed.


guys [and even girls too] still like to drink beyond their limit, get drunk and puke all over the place and have to trouble their friends to slap them and carry them and to get puke bags for them and take care of them. guys still like to drink and pretend/or really get drunk and have their hands all over the place because getting drunk is a fabulous excuse to do whatever you want and to have your hands all over a hot girl even if you're attached.

so that's what's clubbing is all about, in a nutshell, isn't it?




so much for naive hope.

i'm a little fed up because i'm starting to feel the drain from having suffered 12 years under the singaporean education system. they teach you some crap, and tell you to worship it, memorise it, and not need to understand it and under the pressure of parents you grudgingly do so. and then, a few years down the road, another teacher comes along and tells you the formulas, concepts, theories that you held so dear and true are erroneous and to forget the hell about them and just learn something new.

which could be wrong as well, just that i suppose they think you're not smart enough at that age to learn and understand the correct concept.

i'm slightly miffed with all this.
yeah, and so gravity is not force, but is acceleration.
and general relativity tells us that gravitation causes time to slow down.

is that why CEOs usually have their offices located on the highest level in the office building, while their measly worthless slave workers have to be at the lower levels, because you age faster when you're at the lower levels...

i really don't see the point in learning about things like lorenz contraction, since it's all a matter of perspective; it's all different with respect to different inertial frames. if the ladder is 10m, even someone carries it and runs at a speed close to the speed of light, the ladder will remain 10m, even though someone who's stationary and viewing it from outside would have thought that the ladder contracted. so what!? d-_____-|''|b



enough of whining about the module.

we got our certificates of commendation from the hall master for dp sets today. apparently either he or prof ho or poor rashidah had to hand write all the comments at the side. i know it's double standards that the dancers dont have handwritten praise at the side, but i'm still happy about it, ha-ha. but seriously, the person who wrote it could expand his or her vocabulary. there's more to english than 'professional' and 'wonderful'.

be-lla cut her hair! ha ha. smashing exciting, had such fun making fun of her today.
and it looks like we'll be having a sets malaysia trip! =)
there's one thing i heard during dp from albert that i dont think i'll ever forget,


'i should have joined la, sets so happening!'

how cool is this colour combi?
like psychedelically insanely rocking cool.
if you do know me, like even remotely, you'd agree that this would totally complete me, considering the green freak i am.
green thumb included.

custom make your bag here:
http://www.timbuk2.com/tb2/products/bagbuilder
i love this funky site; it's even better than crumpler!

but then again, reality calls, my jaw drops at the 3 digit number showing on the screen at the 'checkout' page and i wake up to find the notes in my wallet thinning, and i realise its time to 'open up sources, conserve outward flows'. in other words, increase income, reduce expenditure. if that's even earthly possible.

i guess i could try the 3-day apple detox diet, considering it would do wonders for both my weight, my figure AND my wallet [3 thronged approach! brilliant! smashing, really] but then again, my appetite and taste bugs beg to differ.

enough of whimsical fantasies and desires. these fleeting things, like timbuk2 messenger bags, havaianas slippers, mr bump and mr messy t-shirts, and other unnecessary ostentatious goods.

i was talking to my mother the other day, and she and my father were lamenting about two teenagers having a conversation about a bag. they were saying that since it cost 199 dollars, it must have been a lousy quality bag.

i guess to us commonsfolk, we just cannot comprehend how people can blow a 3 digit amount on one piece of clothing; one bag, one pair of shoes. it just does not seem possible. maybe it's because i haven't been brough up to think that it is logical and reasonable to act in such a way, but somehow something tells me that this is just not something normal people would do.

would i really feel good, if i had an unlimited supply of money, and could buy all the things i wanted? would i be really as happy as i think i could/would be? or would i be swallowed up by a sense of emptiness, sitting in the middle, surrounded by the dozens of bags, hundreds of pieces of clothing, thousand pairs of shoes? it's really hard to say.


something i still firmly believe;
nothing beats the awesome feeling of snagging a good bargain.

i know this has got to be my greatest smart-alec comeback line ever in the whole of my life.

he said, 'i know pretty girls are not petty one.'
i said, 'yeah, so are cute guys.'





i love how exponentially smart-alec i can be.

today was a good day.

i'm just so glad this week is over, because when i went back home yesterday and tried studying on the couch, it was so comfortable and my muscles; butt, biceps, triceps, thighs, calves were aching so badly. and my eyes were threatening to meet their dearly beloved: my eyelids.

it's only studying, why am i so tired? sigh, i wonder why.

so today was a good training.
i think it's bad, that how i perform at training, how the training goes affects my outlook on the week, my self-concept, my mood, my everything. it has slowly eaten into me and now it's become such an important part of my life i don't think i could fathom a life without it. 危ない。

but anyway yay! i got positively reinforced today.
i managed to get 1 point off zibin, and wonder of wonders, it's a men cut! *jumps around excitedly* hello, my men cut is so unstraight, and so slow and lousy and i have so little confidence in it i always have to spend extra effort to convince myself to try it out. but i did, and it worked in the most unexpected circumstances. ho ho ho. zibin was probably off form today, and it seemed like he injured his foot; it's probably cheap thrill for me and it's like probably some stroke of luck, but i'm happy regardless. *beams*

and it does help that i think i'm slowly starting to figure kamae out. it's really amazing, this thing. i've done it for more than 1 year but i'm still discovering bits and pieces of new things about it that are so important. should i be happy? that at this point of time, as quoted from the horse's mouth , 'you're not a junior anymore', that i'm still making mistakes that are so bad that the captain has to correct me in front of the whole dojo. sigh... it's good to improve, right?
at least it seems like i've improved...




i feel so weak sometimes. *heaves a sigh*.

but i won't give up.

i want to become strong.

-------------------------------------------

and anyway,
saturday is miss hah's birthday. what should i get her? sigh.
are birthdays so important? i don't know; i've always felt a kind of sense of dread when my birthday draws near, because it's so troublesome. the kind of eagerness and hopefulness tied with expectations on birthdays slowly died when reality hit me as an adolescent.

when i was small, i hated birthdays because i was a repressed kid who really just wanted the kind of presents average kids wanted. that lego set, the nicest barbie doll, that laser power ranger gun. but no, i had to have a stubborn streak. i insisted on not being explicit about my inner desires, believing vehemently that if i was a good enough child who kept quiet and never asked for any specific toys, or if i just occasionally eyed the toy long enough in the toy section, it would naturally come to me.

reality told me otherwise.
i guess my dad just isn't the kind who reads people well, or kids for that matter.
but it didn't matter, i told myself, as i grew up, because my father and mother loved me. they tried their best to give a good environment for me, become role models for me to follow.
as much as i tried, cognitive dissonance was not something i could handle. not at that age, not now.

as i grew older, learning from previous experiences told me to lower my expectations.
low expectations, so-so reality, so-so satisfaction. right? i mean, if you expect to much, and get only that much, disappointment is inevitable.

sometimes i think i wish i weren't like who i am like/who i was.
didn't/don't try so hard to be so responsible, and to behave like how others expect of me.
i should just say what i want, do what i want, get what i want.




if only life was that simple.

i wonder what birthday will be like this year.

i think i'll forget again,
until maybe 1 week beforehand,
when wei or miao say

'eh, what you want for your birthday ah?'

i know it's awful, but sometimes i think the only reason i do it is because it makes me feel alive.

--------------------------------------
i really can't help but feel demoralized.
it's not that i'm blaming others for my plight, or dwelling in self-pity, but its the small things that accumulate and lead me to the same conclusion again; lead me to have doubt in my self-worth.

i know i really shouldn't even be caring about these things.
maybe i would have been a happier person if i didn't join eusoff? didn't join kendo? had a dry but regular life as a hall-less, cca-less university student, and just dully, blandly study my 3 or 4 years worth of studies and then get a degree and work.

it's been 2 years in kendo, and what have i achieved?
looking at my peers, i feel happy for them at their improvement, and excited about the prospects and their future, but i can't help but sense doubt burning secretly inside me.
question, doubt, angst, dissatisfaction, dissapointment.
it's all these negative feelings...
it's difficult to deal with this...




i want to become strong.
it's only on the dojo that i feel alive, feel possibility, chance in my hands.
but all this is....

and then, with hall...
it's ridiculous, all this... despite everything that has happened, a small part of my heart is fighting to stay. wanting to continue this futile fight. trying to find a place i belong....



i need sometime to think slowly, to encourage myself, to assure myself, to get to know myself, to like myself, because as of now, i definitely do not. what's there to like?

nothing much these days, except lying around wasting time, then getting up, sitting my fat ass on the chair and then pulling my hair out at the sight of the rapidly accumulating readings sitting on my table.

and it's chinese new year in less than 30 minutes.


so yesterday i went with rambutan to eat botak jones. it's good, but not like fantastic or anything, so i guess i was pretty mild about it. not that i'm a huge fan of fast food of course. he looks the same, like too slack for a law student, but then again, im not sure what being a law student encompasses, so forget that.

then went with ming wayne and mr edmundo to catch sweeny todd.
ok, this is like totally random, but i've always had this extreme distaste for the name 'todd'. don't know why. especially during the primary school years, when sweet valley high books were all the rage and everyone was singing backstreet boys, i could NOT understand why elizabeth dated a guy called todd. *frown*

so sweeny todd is seriously weird, considering he had a perfectly normal and ordinary name to begin with. maybe too normal and perhaps even to the extent of being boring, a few years in the asylum gave him the inspiration to change his first name to 'Sweeny'. goodness. i cannot imagine the years of humilation and teasing my child will have to endure if i ever even think about giving him that name.

it was an ok movie, i guess. johnny depp was the saving grace of the otherwise bland and totally expected storyline. the only real twist in the plot came near the end, which i really liked. but it turned out to be really tragic as well, so i was kind of sad at the prospect...

come to think of it, it was quite ridiculous, i think, since the one who really wanted to watch couldn't make it. but we met her for supper afterwards at fs. silly bella was so giggly high that day, but i like to watch her when she talks; it's like she's flying, almost. so happy, carefree, animated, focused...



visiting rounds on saturday! 3 houses to rotate =) will see wei and miao, hurrah!

it's less than 24 hours from the end of this phase of mental torture in my life, but i'm still reliving the moments in my dreams.

not that being a dp setter was a torture; anyway somehow setter brings to my mind this visual image of how yuin playing volleyball, because you know you have to 'set' the ball first before playing right? and i guess it makes sense cause she's the only setter i know who plays volley, but i'm kind of semi-disgruntled that i even thought of her, because she's not proud of her dp sets background at all and seems to, at all costs now, pretend she has nothing to do with and never ever had anything to do with us or dp sets. really really.... sigh. disappointing would be the word.

but people change, and i guess we grow to accept that.

ok, so, same as last year, fun moving in the props, sprinting in the darkness and trying to look for the props marking like some blind rat in a maze. and of course the worst part of it all had to be when everything ended and the dancers started walking around the stage taking pictures but we had to be running around ripping the cloth, cutting cable ties, moving scaffolds, clearing the area.

i swear it's not me okay; seriously some of the dancers are so stuck up and prima donna all i want to do if they ever get close to the props and try to do anything funny is just throttle them to death. i will put my kendo-lent te-no-uchi, which is something like wrist power, to good use.

hello dancers, i know you are tired from performing on stage, and probably really want to just go back for a shower, but would it KILL you just to help move the things onto the truck a bit? instead of sitting around happily chatting and playing with your flowers and waiting for the truck ride home?

of course there are nice dancers, but it disgusts me to hear the things that most of the others say.
after the production ended: 'oh, time to break the props liao'
'the most fun part is breaking the props man!'

you cannot imagine how @#$%^&!@#$%^&* i felt when i heard a group of insolent bastards say it. really, i just wanted to use the hammer or power drill to whack the brains out of their skulls. not that it would have made a difference to their character much, anyway.

i'm kind of glad i didn't get too emotional this year. maybe because the dancers did not get their filthy hands on the props and help destroy them. man, that must have been the highlight of the end of their dp last year, because while they were hammering, smashing, banging last year, tears were streaming from my face and i was cursing ucc, because if they didn't have the 'everything must clear by 11pm' rule i would never ever let them touch any single of the things we made.
each plank, each wall, each table, each chair, each panel, each screw, each bolt and nut, each cable tie we painstakingly and though corny, lovingly and proudly touched, made, screwed, drilled, made. it infuriates me that they have to end up being destroyed by others, most of all, this bunch of people who do not understand a thing about being dp sets, or about sets at all.

if you are a dancer and you are reading this, don't jump to conclusions and think that i have this hatred for dancers or inferiority complex. question your and your fellow dancers' behaviour and character, and see if what i'm saying is right. perhaps this may sound like a flaming session, but as much as it does seem like, most of what i sprout is not nonsense; they actually happened, they are a part of reality; they are facts.


i realise wayne has it really hard. people always go to him super last minute for random things. plasters lah, markers lah, their own props, which they are supposed to go find/buy/make by themselves and are NOT covered under sets props. and people are always disgustingly nice when they have a favour to ask of him.
hello, he is not doraemon can? he does not have everything in his pocket and its not like sets is like some super big convenience store and we provide everything. all this really made me quite angsty, but i'm glad i didn't lash out of them. seriously, i @#$%^&*...

as much as i want to be cheery and like positive about the outlook of things, i understand that everyone pretty much just cares about themselves and doesn't give a shit about others. which is still depressing, i think.

i'll be straight to the point, because i think going around in a circle trying to be subtle and not hurting or offending people is a total waste of time.

all the crap mr joe fu said about top guns being at the production, and then being impressed and then saying that next year dp sets will have 7k budget, which is more than twice the amount this year, is NOT good news for us. not unless we are quite insane and are thinking about doing this again. i myself had 2 years of this @#$%^& so my brain damage must be quite severe but i don't think its that severe to the extent that i will do this again in my third year. plus i think most people from dp sets are quite sane and logical.

i hate it that stupid wayne is so responsible he is planning to take up the role of head again unless he can find a heir to his role, which i think, is not going to happen. even if he's not thinking about it, i know the f***ing hall people will pressure him into doing it and he's the kind whose conscience will suffer knowing that he is so called 'letting the hall down'. i know sometimes some people have to make sacrifices for the betterment of the overall picture, but seriously it's time mr ming wayne had some time for his studies and for going home during the freaking holidays.
hello wayne, if you are reading this, please, after rag this year, stop. don't do sets again, okay?
please go home, take a break during the december holidays, go out with your sis, talk with your mom and dad, catch up with your friends back there; whatever. just don't do this. don't do this because nobody else wants to.

all the smiles, all the 'i have good news for you' is really just crap.
as extreme as i may sound, that is my view alone. though it's true that the overall sentiment amongst us when joe broke the news was
'what the **** has it got to do with us? so this is good news for us?'

to be honest, the i did dp sets this year because i needed the points, and also only because ming wayne and esther ng cheng teng asked me. heck, even the possibility giving 1 million budget for dp sets has totally freaking nothing to do with me, and i don't shit care.






ok, so now i remember now why i ended up becoming reluctant at this point of time.



i think i can't do it.

i set out with a determination, to, with however weak and wavering, to use whatever strength and power i have to change things in hall.
but almost 2 years have passed, and i still find myself disappointed.

things like these, and other small disappointing matters,
いろいろな。　そのとりです。

-----------------------------------------------

after lambasting the dancers openly, which is something i have always wanted to do but never had the guts to, let me tone down a little and bring the topic to my fellow setters.

if last year was good, this year has got to be as good, if not better.
it's different, because the experience of joining sets as a rookie last year will definitely always be something kept close to my heart, but all the things this year, these people, its too endearing i fear my heart cannot take it.

it is with a warm and fuzzy feeling in my heart that i think of them, and i don't think this fondness will ever leave. things i will miss especially will be han cheng's singing gimmicks, madeline's gentle laugh, huey fen's expression when she gets teased, bella giving me the eye when i try to humour her with lame jokes, yvonne's laughter and the way she says 'not funny wo', kaihan's curry rice obsession and the times when he speaks or sings in japanese and iits absurd cause i'm the only one who understands him, edmund's fishing shirt and his exponentially long face, having ng cheng teng by my side, just like during rag, and of course wayne, when he gives me the enlarged-nostrils-jaw-drop-eyes-slit look when i do a lame action, but also when he's seriously and talks to me about some of his concerns about sets.

if ever i thought of leaving, of not continuing, of quitting to focus on other things, to run away so i can enjoy the holidays, it is with a sense of obligation to these wonderful people that run away i did not. i'm glad we pulled through as a team, and as noop as we may have seemed to others, given all the cock ups and bad luck during the rehearsal runs in ucc, i still think we are zai, okay?






i think i will start to have an empty feeling when night falls and my hand suddenly feels light without the weight of the circular saw in my grip, and my heart heavy without the sound of bella and kaihui's laughter to brighten things.
saturdays will be free from now on, too.

well, time to get back to life, and yes, lessons.