i know it's awful, but sometimes i think the only reason i do it is because it makes me feel alive.

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i really can't help but feel demoralized.
it's not that i'm blaming others for my plight, or dwelling in self-pity, but its the small things that accumulate and lead me to the same conclusion again; lead me to have doubt in my self-worth.

i know i really shouldn't even be caring about these things.
maybe i would have been a happier person if i didn't join eusoff? didn't join kendo? had a dry but regular life as a hall-less, cca-less university student, and just dully, blandly study my 3 or 4 years worth of studies and then get a degree and work.

it's been 2 years in kendo, and what have i achieved?
looking at my peers, i feel happy for them at their improvement, and excited about the prospects and their future, but i can't help but sense doubt burning secretly inside me.
question, doubt, angst, dissatisfaction, dissapointment.
it's all these negative feelings...
it's difficult to deal with this...




i want to become strong.
it's only on the dojo that i feel alive, feel possibility, chance in my hands.
but all this is....

and then, with hall...
it's ridiculous, all this... despite everything that has happened, a small part of my heart is fighting to stay. wanting to continue this futile fight. trying to find a place i belong....



i need sometime to think slowly, to encourage myself, to assure myself, to get to know myself, to like myself, because as of now, i definitely do not. what's there to like?