today was a good day.

i'm just so glad this week is over, because when i went back home yesterday and tried studying on the couch, it was so comfortable and my muscles; butt, biceps, triceps, thighs, calves were aching so badly. and my eyes were threatening to meet their dearly beloved: my eyelids.

it's only studying, why am i so tired? sigh, i wonder why.

so today was a good training.
i think it's bad, that how i perform at training, how the training goes affects my outlook on the week, my self-concept, my mood, my everything. it has slowly eaten into me and now it's become such an important part of my life i don't think i could fathom a life without it. 危ない。

but anyway yay! i got positively reinforced today.
i managed to get 1 point off zibin, and wonder of wonders, it's a men cut! *jumps around excitedly* hello, my men cut is so unstraight, and so slow and lousy and i have so little confidence in it i always have to spend extra effort to convince myself to try it out. but i did, and it worked in the most unexpected circumstances. ho ho ho. zibin was probably off form today, and it seemed like he injured his foot; it's probably cheap thrill for me and it's like probably some stroke of luck, but i'm happy regardless. *beams*

and it does help that i think i'm slowly starting to figure kamae out. it's really amazing, this thing. i've done it for more than 1 year but i'm still discovering bits and pieces of new things about it that are so important. should i be happy? that at this point of time, as quoted from the horse's mouth , 'you're not a junior anymore', that i'm still making mistakes that are so bad that the captain has to correct me in front of the whole dojo. sigh... it's good to improve, right?
at least it seems like i've improved...




i feel so weak sometimes. *heaves a sigh*.

but i won't give up.

i want to become strong.

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and anyway,
saturday is miss hah's birthday. what should i get her? sigh.
are birthdays so important? i don't know; i've always felt a kind of sense of dread when my birthday draws near, because it's so troublesome. the kind of eagerness and hopefulness tied with expectations on birthdays slowly died when reality hit me as an adolescent.

when i was small, i hated birthdays because i was a repressed kid who really just wanted the kind of presents average kids wanted. that lego set, the nicest barbie doll, that laser power ranger gun. but no, i had to have a stubborn streak. i insisted on not being explicit about my inner desires, believing vehemently that if i was a good enough child who kept quiet and never asked for any specific toys, or if i just occasionally eyed the toy long enough in the toy section, it would naturally come to me.

reality told me otherwise.
i guess my dad just isn't the kind who reads people well, or kids for that matter.
but it didn't matter, i told myself, as i grew up, because my father and mother loved me. they tried their best to give a good environment for me, become role models for me to follow.
as much as i tried, cognitive dissonance was not something i could handle. not at that age, not now.

as i grew older, learning from previous experiences told me to lower my expectations.
low expectations, so-so reality, so-so satisfaction. right? i mean, if you expect to much, and get only that much, disappointment is inevitable.

sometimes i think i wish i weren't like who i am like/who i was.
didn't/don't try so hard to be so responsible, and to behave like how others expect of me.
i should just say what i want, do what i want, get what i want.




if only life was that simple.

i wonder what birthday will be like this year.

i think i'll forget again,
until maybe 1 week beforehand,
when wei or miao say

'eh, what you want for your birthday ah?'