it's less than 24 hours from the end of this phase of mental torture in my life, but i'm still reliving the moments in my dreams.

not that being a dp setter was a torture; anyway somehow setter brings to my mind this visual image of how yuin playing volleyball, because you know you have to 'set' the ball first before playing right? and i guess it makes sense cause she's the only setter i know who plays volley, but i'm kind of semi-disgruntled that i even thought of her, because she's not proud of her dp sets background at all and seems to, at all costs now, pretend she has nothing to do with and never ever had anything to do with us or dp sets. really really.... sigh. disappointing would be the word.

but people change, and i guess we grow to accept that.

ok, so, same as last year, fun moving in the props, sprinting in the darkness and trying to look for the props marking like some blind rat in a maze. and of course the worst part of it all had to be when everything ended and the dancers started walking around the stage taking pictures but we had to be running around ripping the cloth, cutting cable ties, moving scaffolds, clearing the area.

i swear it's not me okay; seriously some of the dancers are so stuck up and prima donna all i want to do if they ever get close to the props and try to do anything funny is just throttle them to death. i will put my kendo-lent te-no-uchi, which is something like wrist power, to good use.

hello dancers, i know you are tired from performing on stage, and probably really want to just go back for a shower, but would it KILL you just to help move the things onto the truck a bit? instead of sitting around happily chatting and playing with your flowers and waiting for the truck ride home?

of course there are nice dancers, but it disgusts me to hear the things that most of the others say.
after the production ended: 'oh, time to break the props liao'
'the most fun part is breaking the props man!'

you cannot imagine how @#$%^&!@#$%^&* i felt when i heard a group of insolent bastards say it. really, i just wanted to use the hammer or power drill to whack the brains out of their skulls. not that it would have made a difference to their character much, anyway.

i'm kind of glad i didn't get too emotional this year. maybe because the dancers did not get their filthy hands on the props and help destroy them. man, that must have been the highlight of the end of their dp last year, because while they were hammering, smashing, banging last year, tears were streaming from my face and i was cursing ucc, because if they didn't have the 'everything must clear by 11pm' rule i would never ever let them touch any single of the things we made.
each plank, each wall, each table, each chair, each panel, each screw, each bolt and nut, each cable tie we painstakingly and though corny, lovingly and proudly touched, made, screwed, drilled, made. it infuriates me that they have to end up being destroyed by others, most of all, this bunch of people who do not understand a thing about being dp sets, or about sets at all.

if you are a dancer and you are reading this, don't jump to conclusions and think that i have this hatred for dancers or inferiority complex. question your and your fellow dancers' behaviour and character, and see if what i'm saying is right. perhaps this may sound like a flaming session, but as much as it does seem like, most of what i sprout is not nonsense; they actually happened, they are a part of reality; they are facts.


i realise wayne has it really hard. people always go to him super last minute for random things. plasters lah, markers lah, their own props, which they are supposed to go find/buy/make by themselves and are NOT covered under sets props. and people are always disgustingly nice when they have a favour to ask of him.
hello, he is not doraemon can? he does not have everything in his pocket and its not like sets is like some super big convenience store and we provide everything. all this really made me quite angsty, but i'm glad i didn't lash out of them. seriously, i @#$%^&*...

as much as i want to be cheery and like positive about the outlook of things, i understand that everyone pretty much just cares about themselves and doesn't give a shit about others. which is still depressing, i think.

i'll be straight to the point, because i think going around in a circle trying to be subtle and not hurting or offending people is a total waste of time.

all the crap mr joe fu said about top guns being at the production, and then being impressed and then saying that next year dp sets will have 7k budget, which is more than twice the amount this year, is NOT good news for us. not unless we are quite insane and are thinking about doing this again. i myself had 2 years of this @#$%^& so my brain damage must be quite severe but i don't think its that severe to the extent that i will do this again in my third year. plus i think most people from dp sets are quite sane and logical.

i hate it that stupid wayne is so responsible he is planning to take up the role of head again unless he can find a heir to his role, which i think, is not going to happen. even if he's not thinking about it, i know the f***ing hall people will pressure him into doing it and he's the kind whose conscience will suffer knowing that he is so called 'letting the hall down'. i know sometimes some people have to make sacrifices for the betterment of the overall picture, but seriously it's time mr ming wayne had some time for his studies and for going home during the freaking holidays.
hello wayne, if you are reading this, please, after rag this year, stop. don't do sets again, okay?
please go home, take a break during the december holidays, go out with your sis, talk with your mom and dad, catch up with your friends back there; whatever. just don't do this. don't do this because nobody else wants to.

all the smiles, all the 'i have good news for you' is really just crap.
as extreme as i may sound, that is my view alone. though it's true that the overall sentiment amongst us when joe broke the news was
'what the **** has it got to do with us? so this is good news for us?'

to be honest, the i did dp sets this year because i needed the points, and also only because ming wayne and esther ng cheng teng asked me. heck, even the possibility giving 1 million budget for dp sets has totally freaking nothing to do with me, and i don't shit care.






ok, so now i remember now why i ended up becoming reluctant at this point of time.



i think i can't do it.

i set out with a determination, to, with however weak and wavering, to use whatever strength and power i have to change things in hall.
but almost 2 years have passed, and i still find myself disappointed.

things like these, and other small disappointing matters,
いろいろな。　そのとりです。

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after lambasting the dancers openly, which is something i have always wanted to do but never had the guts to, let me tone down a little and bring the topic to my fellow setters.

if last year was good, this year has got to be as good, if not better.
it's different, because the experience of joining sets as a rookie last year will definitely always be something kept close to my heart, but all the things this year, these people, its too endearing i fear my heart cannot take it.

it is with a warm and fuzzy feeling in my heart that i think of them, and i don't think this fondness will ever leave. things i will miss especially will be han cheng's singing gimmicks, madeline's gentle laugh, huey fen's expression when she gets teased, bella giving me the eye when i try to humour her with lame jokes, yvonne's laughter and the way she says 'not funny wo', kaihan's curry rice obsession and the times when he speaks or sings in japanese and iits absurd cause i'm the only one who understands him, edmund's fishing shirt and his exponentially long face, having ng cheng teng by my side, just like during rag, and of course wayne, when he gives me the enlarged-nostrils-jaw-drop-eyes-slit look when i do a lame action, but also when he's seriously and talks to me about some of his concerns about sets.

if ever i thought of leaving, of not continuing, of quitting to focus on other things, to run away so i can enjoy the holidays, it is with a sense of obligation to these wonderful people that run away i did not. i'm glad we pulled through as a team, and as noop as we may have seemed to others, given all the cock ups and bad luck during the rehearsal runs in ucc, i still think we are zai, okay?






i think i will start to have an empty feeling when night falls and my hand suddenly feels light without the weight of the circular saw in my grip, and my heart heavy without the sound of bella and kaihui's laughter to brighten things.
saturdays will be free from now on, too.

well, time to get back to life, and yes, lessons.