i wish i could take a break from all this.

i think i can't take this anymore.
i'm about to burst open with lie, contempt, envy, lust, jealousy, sadness, angst, and dozens of secrets and horrible things i keep for others and myself.

sometimes i wish that i could say what i really meant, do what i really wanted, behave in the manner i really naturally do, without having to care about the consequences, the obligation, the responsibility, the expectations.

i'm kind of disgusted with how nice i seem on the outside. i know to most people it seems like i'm a responsible, friendly, clean cut, good-natured easy-going person. no qualms, no issues, nothing on my mind. but the truth is, i can't surpress these negative feelings and it's driving me crazy trying to be a nice person and making people happy.

i hate how the way things are going now. i'm really dying inside.

i hate the ambiguous-ness of the state of things now, the in-betweens, the not-really-theres.
shu is right, to me, it's either black or white. food, is either tasty or not tasty, there's no such thing as ok whatsoever, because if it's ok i'd ignore it's existence. bland is nothing to speak of. it's good or bad, like or dislike, lousy or skilled. and that's the way things are.

there are a dozen questions i want to ask, a dozen people i want to question, to grab their shoulders, and shake the shit out of them. to question, to clarify, to find out.



but i can't. i shouldn't. i wouldn't dare.


i need to sleep it away.
--------------------------------------------------------

of kendo.

should i be happy? that i'm 6th kyu like 3 of the other juniors, and thus was allocated to the 'junior' side to train? i guess i should be, because it was a blessing in disguise because kato sensei and jason taught the junior batch. i'd probably feel like i'm learning things in the junior side, as compared to feeling completely demoralized and like shit at the senior side, where suresh was leading training.

i will always remember the way wenhao looked me in the eye when he said it; wenlin, you're not a junior anymore.
yeah. i'm not, but i'm no better than...

and the guys were talking about the upcoming grading, which is after the tournament.
parry, weijun, jiawei, kiat meng, shannon... it's really great to see that everyone's development and improvement is so promising, and i really feel happy for them, but i couldn't help but feel a sick feeling coming from the pit of my stomach when they cajoled me over to their table and persuaded me to join them in putting 3rd kyu as their grading goal.

you want me to be honest? i'm upset. i'm feeling like i'm no better than a junior, because i am, technically [since im the same grade as 3 of them] and i can't fathom the notion of jumping 3 grades to 3rd kyu, because to me, it just seems impossible.

yes, i would like to, but....



all this is so...overwhelming...

i've decided to put this away for a while, push aside the thought of tournament and grading just for a little while, and to focus on my techniques. i don't think my heart can take it.
but i'm glad that my body is showing improvement, and that muscle memory does seem to be working...

so much for training.