even though i say, yeah, we'll still be friends, i know that this uncomfortable feeling will never go away, will never leave my heart. things will never be the same. it's the same feeling that you get when you break up with your significant other, when you taste something that leaves you with a queer aftertaste tingling on your tongue; when you see someone's who's been horrible to you in the past, so horrible you just want to turn around and run away and pretend you saw nothing...

most of all...



i guess i was naive. i believed that friendship was something pure, untinged, protected from all the dirt and filth and dark desires and thoughts that lay within our minds, our hearts. but it's not true.

and it's deja vu.

i wonder why i can't be friends anymore. not after this... it's not the same.


i wonder why this is happening even, and of all times, now!
when i am unkempt, unattractive, uninterested, and as asexual as an amoeba! for goodness sake i would engage in binary fission to self-reproduce if necessary! i really don't feel a need for all this... things are perfectly fine the way they are; i'm enjoying the freedom, except for some moments late at night when nobody's looking.



but if it's not the right person,

can you tell me,


what's the point?