i think i remember why i struggled so hard.

through my adolescence i've been trying so hard to find the kind of person i want to be.
the kind of daughter, the kind of student, the kind of friend, the kind of girl, the kind of woman.
and i've seen all kinds, all types, all sorts, all sizes.




i still remember vividly, sometime in jc when ash told me she felt i was more at ease with myself than before. 'it just seems like you're more comfortable with yourself now.' but why not, a year ago? 'it was like you were searching for yourself.'


but now sometimes i still question myself.
what kind of person, what kind of girl do i want to be?...

i hate the feeling when i feel i eye her with envy; the way she says things i wanted to, does things i wish i could do, approaches people the way i would never dare; the way she is cheerful, the way she asks for and accepts help without hesitation when she needs it, the way she can be vulnerable, the way she is gentle, the way she is sweet and caring, the way people, myself included, find her cute and loveable; she is small, and just the right size, the size to have others want to protect her, to be there for her, to love her



but when i say i want to be strong,
i guess in the end, i just really want to protect myself.