nothing much so far, except a minute pain inflicted to my chest, and the brief lingering sensation in my sensory memory of my fingers suffering from frostbite while pressing calculator keys and my limbs trembling.
today was stats 1.
its kind of deja vu all over again, reminiscent of my lifelong love-hate relationship i harbour with regard to mathematics. i never saw the purpose and beauty in mathematics, but rather it was more of a common understanding that it was an obligation to study this field for my pursuit of academia. and it kind of helped that im not particularly weak in this area, so, the nature of the relationship gradually became a neutral one.
for one thing, i remember my mom telling me, with a wagging finger, that the only subject that is easy to get 100 marks is mathematics because there is only right or wrong, no subjective answers. and i kind of liked that.
much to my chagrin, ive lost 6 marks due to carelessness [of which the mistake i only realised too late and did not have time to correct] but besides that im pretty glad i managed to tide through without panicking or choosing the wrong tests to calculate the answers. not too bad at all. now it will all depend on how well everyone else fares. hopefully i wont do too badly.
met wife today.
she looked happy, but a little tired.
it was a nice feeling.
Saturday, 24 November 2007
had thanksgiving dinner at dr. so's house today. she's so friendly and open, it was so welcoming. we had turkey, some apple and cinnamon thing [her specialty apparently], some random things [like old chang kee curry puffs and mochi ice cream], got to run around in her apartment, gawk at her fiance and her photos, and talk excitedly amongst ourselves and discuss what modules we're planning to take next semester, and our career options in future.
and the topic gradually shifted, and we ended up talking about somethings, till i had to explain my current hairstyle. and as usual, there was the shock and surprise after i showed the other lab people my matric card when they asked for me to. yingyi was like nodding, and jiayi was like, wow!, and joseph just didnt say anything, then pretended to take the card away, and then said, you should really keep your hair long, from a guy's point of view.
then we talked about other random things, and it was really nice to get to know everyone else better [the other lecturers notwithstanding], to heard joseph's lame jokes, see yingqi swoon in bliss over mochi ice cream, and jiayi talk excitedly about having gone to all SHE autograph sessions. save for yingqi, we're all year 2s, so its pretty cool to make more friends. means potential lecture mates =)
today's paper was pretty ok, and i feel like im out of exam mode already. i'm always prematurely out of the phase. i ll always feel like going out, watching movies, doing other stuff exactly during the exam period. need more persistence to tide over. all the preparation going down the drain! but its like i couldnt be bothered eh... gah.
thinking about other things, when they were talking about my cutting my hair off, i was thinking whether i should let my hair grow out. like the look of disappointment on firus' face when he saw me with my shaven monk head, and when mr m. said that i shouldnt have shaved cause my hair [style] is a turn on... it was all pretty much a surprise to me.
though now, i do remember girls coming up to me and telling me how envious they are of my nice, straight, pretty long, black hair. and how youzhirella said i look a lot better with a long fringe.
it really didnt occur to me that hair would be much of a big deal, pertaining to matters like school, meeting new lecture/tutorial mates, meeting new tutors/lecturers, potential employers etc. and most people dont ask, and even if they do, its kind of crude to do so i guess. i really didnt think that hair makes much of a different when it comes to forming first impressions. it's pretty refreshing to have a bunch of people who just get to know me and not know how i looked back then.
is it really so difficult?
making friends is hard enough,
i wonder if anyone would get fond of me. *smirk*
that would mean the person really doesnt judge by appearances, right? which is, pretty cool, in my opinion.
well, we'll see.
meanwhile, my hair is slowly and obediently growing out.
and im rebelliously spiking it up, and enjoying it.
and the topic gradually shifted, and we ended up talking about somethings, till i had to explain my current hairstyle. and as usual, there was the shock and surprise after i showed the other lab people my matric card when they asked for me to. yingyi was like nodding, and jiayi was like, wow!, and joseph just didnt say anything, then pretended to take the card away, and then said, you should really keep your hair long, from a guy's point of view.
then we talked about other random things, and it was really nice to get to know everyone else better [the other lecturers notwithstanding], to heard joseph's lame jokes, see yingqi swoon in bliss over mochi ice cream, and jiayi talk excitedly about having gone to all SHE autograph sessions. save for yingqi, we're all year 2s, so its pretty cool to make more friends. means potential lecture mates =)
today's paper was pretty ok, and i feel like im out of exam mode already. i'm always prematurely out of the phase. i ll always feel like going out, watching movies, doing other stuff exactly during the exam period. need more persistence to tide over. all the preparation going down the drain! but its like i couldnt be bothered eh... gah.
thinking about other things, when they were talking about my cutting my hair off, i was thinking whether i should let my hair grow out. like the look of disappointment on firus' face when he saw me with my shaven monk head, and when mr m. said that i shouldnt have shaved cause my hair [style] is a turn on... it was all pretty much a surprise to me.
though now, i do remember girls coming up to me and telling me how envious they are of my nice, straight, pretty long, black hair. and how youzhirella said i look a lot better with a long fringe.
it really didnt occur to me that hair would be much of a big deal, pertaining to matters like school, meeting new lecture/tutorial mates, meeting new tutors/lecturers, potential employers etc. and most people dont ask, and even if they do, its kind of crude to do so i guess. i really didnt think that hair makes much of a different when it comes to forming first impressions. it's pretty refreshing to have a bunch of people who just get to know me and not know how i looked back then.
is it really so difficult?
making friends is hard enough,
i wonder if anyone would get fond of me. *smirk*
that would mean the person really doesnt judge by appearances, right? which is, pretty cool, in my opinion.
well, we'll see.
meanwhile, my hair is slowly and obediently growing out.
and im rebelliously spiking it up, and enjoying it.
Thursday, 22 November 2007
誰が教えてください。
teach me how to be happy, when someone tells me in my face that the only happiness that can be derived of in life is seeing my misery.
いつか？
笑えも忘れた。
あ。
あの時。
あんたの眼を見えるから。悲しい、怖い。
その人生。この人生。
どんなの人生？あんたのためにの人生？
それは僕はできない。
when love dies, what's left inside?
when people's soul's leave, what's left of their bodies is just an empty shell.
and the memories inside.
these are the only things that keep me alive.
yeah, im smiling and trying to pretend it doesnt matter at all, on the outside.
i'm unfeeling, indifferent. i won't let it get to me.
i am motionless, my heart, cold, my eyes, unwavering.
ども、僕の心に。。。
i must be strong.
teach me how to be happy, when someone tells me in my face that the only happiness that can be derived of in life is seeing my misery.
いつか？
笑えも忘れた。
あ。
あの時。
あんたの眼を見えるから。悲しい、怖い。
その人生。この人生。
どんなの人生？あんたのためにの人生？
それは僕はできない。
when love dies, what's left inside?
when people's soul's leave, what's left of their bodies is just an empty shell.
and the memories inside.
these are the only things that keep me alive.
yeah, im smiling and trying to pretend it doesnt matter at all, on the outside.
i'm unfeeling, indifferent. i won't let it get to me.
i am motionless, my heart, cold, my eyes, unwavering.
ども、僕の心に。。。
i must be strong.
ok, so i was so bored i switched on the tv and there was this stupid taiwan call-in IQ program called 'have you called in yet?'
the host was this incredibly irritating woman who kept repeating
'so have you grabbed the chance and called in yet?'
i guess it must have been too boring for her to just stand there with the ditigal problem next to her on the screen waiting for viewers to call in. she kept saying, 你把握机会打电话进来了吗？希望你xxx xxx xxx [Pardon me, 职业病, i always put 'xxx' for every syllable that is inaudible/cannot be discerned when im transcribing the videos of the kids playing with their caregivers. in this sense, this woman is worse than the kids; she speaks at n syllables per minute, where n---> very large integer]
then she ll fall silent while waiting for calls.
then, SUDDENLY, she 'll go,
可是！希望你给的答案是xxx xxx xxxx
cause she was making a big fuss over the problem having 2 answers and 1 viewer already giving 1 answer before that. so blah blah, can only call in and give the other answer, or else you wont get the 4000 taiwan dollars.
i was like
-____-"
anyway, so the problem is this:
5 + 3 = 6
[imagine it in digital analog form. so each stroke is a matchstick, and you can only move 1 matchstick to make the answer mathematically valid]
it took me less than 10 minutes to figure out both answers can! irritating woman!
what about you?
the host was this incredibly irritating woman who kept repeating
'so have you grabbed the chance and called in yet?'
i guess it must have been too boring for her to just stand there with the ditigal problem next to her on the screen waiting for viewers to call in. she kept saying, 你把握机会打电话进来了吗？希望你xxx xxx xxx [Pardon me, 职业病, i always put 'xxx' for every syllable that is inaudible/cannot be discerned when im transcribing the videos of the kids playing with their caregivers. in this sense, this woman is worse than the kids; she speaks at n syllables per minute, where n---> very large integer]
then she ll fall silent while waiting for calls.
then, SUDDENLY, she 'll go,
可是！希望你给的答案是xxx xxx xxxx
cause she was making a big fuss over the problem having 2 answers and 1 viewer already giving 1 answer before that. so blah blah, can only call in and give the other answer, or else you wont get the 4000 taiwan dollars.
i was like
-____-"
anyway, so the problem is this:
5 + 3 = 6
[imagine it in digital analog form. so each stroke is a matchstick, and you can only move 1 matchstick to make the answer mathematically valid]
it took me less than 10 minutes to figure out both answers can! irritating woman!
what about you?
Wednesday, 21 November 2007
Your Score: 8 - the Asserter
Thanks for taking the test !
you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka "The Challenger").
"I must be strong"
Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.
How to Get Along with Me
- Stand up for yourself... and me.
- Be confident, strong, and direct.
- Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
- Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender,
vulnerable side. - Give me space to be alone.
- Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
- I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's
a personal attack. - When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just
the way I am.
What I Like About Being a EIGHT
- being independent and self-reliant
- being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
- being courageous, straightforward, and honest
- getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
- supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
- upholding just causes
What's Hard About Being a EIGHT
- overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
- being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
- sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
- never forgetting injuries or injustices
- putting too much pressure on myself
- getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when
things don't go right
EIGHTs as Children Often
- are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
- are sometimes loners
- seize control so they won't be controlled
- fugure out others' weaknesses
- attack verbally or physically when provoked
- take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings
EIGHTs as Parents
- are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
- are sometimes overprotective
- can be demanding, controlling, and rigid
Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele
The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
Harper
SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages
You liked the test?
so S P R E A D I T ! tell everyone!!!
(use Quick-Paste below)
you wanna know MORE?
so check out, what Google found
about your type...
or do you prefer to
 |
You are not completely happy with the result?!
You chose AY
Would you rather have chosen:
| Link: The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test |
this is scarily accurate.
when i read the quote describing me,
my blood froze.
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
for some strange reason i feel compelled to type a post. i am sitting on the carpeted floor of the block lounge, with a senior within 500 cm proximity of me, wondering when the rowdy bunch of juniors who 'reserved' the lounge tables and seats with their study materials and an eraser with 'reserved' hand written on it will barge in after their dinner.
now of course, this is nothing peculiar.
i've just spent roughly half a day studying, or trying to study in the library.
its cold, quiet, and discomforting. but its efficient, i suppose.
i think i ll go out tomorrow.
out to study.
i always feel claustraphobia when the exams are nearing and people start studying in groups and clogging up private spaces and public spheres. somehow i feel this need to break out, to let loose, to run away from this place. only then, can i recreate my own private comfort zone. it's kind of weird really. that i belong to this generation of kids who go out to study because they can't focus with all the distracting by products of consumerism and individualism at home.
my sister was telling me about this complaint in the newspaper written in by some unknown fella. he was like, 'WHY ARE ALL THE STUDENTS IN THE LIBRARY?! they should be studying in their school library, they're taking up all the tables and seats!'
amusing.
for some reason my plan, which i just came up with this afternoon, failed.
i have no plan B i realised. means i have no where to go from now till around 12pm. let's see, the last bus from vivo to here is at 11pm from tampines, which means i can probably stay there till around 1130... if that fails, theres 143, which is from toa payoh, at 1130, so it should reach around 12 or later.... which is good. which means i can leave this place for a while.
i don't know if it's me, but
it's really starting to get cold in here, this place.
i dont think i can imagine stay here for another year.
i mean, the changes are good, and there are plenty of things to look forward to, and my block benefits and welfare is fantastic, but...
in the end i realised im ultimately a social person,
and,
well.
you know.
now of course, this is nothing peculiar.
i've just spent roughly half a day studying, or trying to study in the library.
its cold, quiet, and discomforting. but its efficient, i suppose.
i think i ll go out tomorrow.
out to study.
i always feel claustraphobia when the exams are nearing and people start studying in groups and clogging up private spaces and public spheres. somehow i feel this need to break out, to let loose, to run away from this place. only then, can i recreate my own private comfort zone. it's kind of weird really. that i belong to this generation of kids who go out to study because they can't focus with all the distracting by products of consumerism and individualism at home.
my sister was telling me about this complaint in the newspaper written in by some unknown fella. he was like, 'WHY ARE ALL THE STUDENTS IN THE LIBRARY?! they should be studying in their school library, they're taking up all the tables and seats!'
amusing.
for some reason my plan, which i just came up with this afternoon, failed.
i have no plan B i realised. means i have no where to go from now till around 12pm. let's see, the last bus from vivo to here is at 11pm from tampines, which means i can probably stay there till around 1130... if that fails, theres 143, which is from toa payoh, at 1130, so it should reach around 12 or later.... which is good. which means i can leave this place for a while.
i don't know if it's me, but
it's really starting to get cold in here, this place.
i dont think i can imagine stay here for another year.
i mean, the changes are good, and there are plenty of things to look forward to, and my block benefits and welfare is fantastic, but...
in the end i realised im ultimately a social person,
and,
well.
you know.
Monday, 19 November 2007
this is the time to face the music. acknowledge my mistakes, atone for my sins.
while im sieving through this you-wont-believe-how-thick-it-is stack of notes, tutorials, and what-have-yous, im thinking to myself, 'how many lectures did i miss? dang!'
approximately 4 for js2228, 3 or 4 for gek1542, 3 i think for 3233, 2 or 3 for 2131 and maybe 3 for 3234. fantastic. so much for my new year's resolution to 'not to miss any lecture'. at least i managed to do that for sem 1 pl3237, which was a rather wise decision, considering my baka-taking year 3 -mod-in-sem1 actions. dang, i didnt even manage to make it for all my psych exposure lect. mods last sem. i missed the one during dp rehearsals.
but on the other hand, i find i have a really thick stack of hand-written notes. maybe not for gek1542 or js2228 [since i dont give a f*** cause they're not my core mods, really, a B or B+ would be great] but, to my surprise, i found that i have conscientiously done every single tutorial for 3233 and 2131. freak! believe it or not! even for the tutorials i didnt attend [given that for 2131 tutorial attendance does NOT account to the final grade]
and for 3234 i've conscientiously read all the allocated articles carefully each week and written the necessary essay assignments. not bad. not bad at all.
so now it's time to plan for the future and atone for my sins.
next semester, after dp sets [which i have not-so-wisely joined, much to the chagrin of my inner self, and probably, my parents, after i break the news to them, which will be soon i hope] i'll probably be pretty free cause i'll be hermit-ing and abstaining from hall activities so hopefully i can focus on my core modules, and maybe even take 6 modules.
so here are my resolutions for the new semester, set here and now, 5 days before the exams start and i seal my fate.
1. i will attend all lectures for my core modules.
[okay, maybe not the ones during dp rehearsals, but i hope i can go. seriously.]
2. i will complete all tutorials and assignments conscientiously
3. i will not oversleep and miss tutorials/lectures
[this one kind of overlaps with 1. i cant go for all lectures if i oversleep right?]
4. i will not miss the module preference exercise due to any kind of EXCUSE, be it hall activity or not. [no more history repeating itself, thank you]
5. i will choose my modules wisely and think about allocation of bid points WAY before bidding starts. [probably a maths gem will do the trick. not more pseudo-forensic-science-related-i-dont-know-how-to-study-crazy-thick-100slides-per-lecture-fluffy-module. and probably i've had enough js modules. sigh.]
6. i will study hard during this holidays, consider carefully my proficiency level and schedule next semester, and NOT miss the placement test for JL. [yeah, no more repeats again, thanks. regardless of what im doing, RAG or not.]
this should be simple. im not asking for CAP 4.5 or something. hell, im not even vaguely near 4.0... bollocks!
i seriously have no idea how to study for gek1542! damnit! it's the worst module choice i've made this semester... why can't everything be like pl3233 or pl2131? even 3234 is fine... maybe i ll try taking 4 cores next sem and trottle myself. GAH. which reminds me,
7. need to plan carefully what core modules to take next next sem, and not next sem. and which are available, when.
its 3am already and i havent touched my FORENSIC SCIENCE NOTES.
試験は今週の土曜日です！今まで何もしません！
気持ち悪い！時間がありません！とても大変です！
助けて！お願い。。。＝＞____＜＝
while im sieving through this you-wont-believe-how-thick-it-is stack of notes, tutorials, and what-have-yous, im thinking to myself, 'how many lectures did i miss? dang!'
approximately 4 for js2228, 3 or 4 for gek1542, 3 i think for 3233, 2 or 3 for 2131 and maybe 3 for 3234. fantastic. so much for my new year's resolution to 'not to miss any lecture'. at least i managed to do that for sem 1 pl3237, which was a rather wise decision, considering my baka-taking year 3 -mod-in-sem1 actions. dang, i didnt even manage to make it for all my psych exposure lect. mods last sem. i missed the one during dp rehearsals.
but on the other hand, i find i have a really thick stack of hand-written notes. maybe not for gek1542 or js2228 [since i dont give a f*** cause they're not my core mods, really, a B or B+ would be great] but, to my surprise, i found that i have conscientiously done every single tutorial for 3233 and 2131. freak! believe it or not! even for the tutorials i didnt attend [given that for 2131 tutorial attendance does NOT account to the final grade]
and for 3234 i've conscientiously read all the allocated articles carefully each week and written the necessary essay assignments. not bad. not bad at all.
so now it's time to plan for the future and atone for my sins.
next semester, after dp sets [which i have not-so-wisely joined, much to the chagrin of my inner self, and probably, my parents, after i break the news to them, which will be soon i hope] i'll probably be pretty free cause i'll be hermit-ing and abstaining from hall activities so hopefully i can focus on my core modules, and maybe even take 6 modules.
so here are my resolutions for the new semester, set here and now, 5 days before the exams start and i seal my fate.
1. i will attend all lectures for my core modules.
[okay, maybe not the ones during dp rehearsals, but i hope i can go. seriously.]
2. i will complete all tutorials and assignments conscientiously
3. i will not oversleep and miss tutorials/lectures
[this one kind of overlaps with 1. i cant go for all lectures if i oversleep right?]
4. i will not miss the module preference exercise due to any kind of EXCUSE, be it hall activity or not. [no more history repeating itself, thank you]
5. i will choose my modules wisely and think about allocation of bid points WAY before bidding starts. [probably a maths gem will do the trick. not more pseudo-forensic-science-related-i-dont-know-how-to-study-crazy-thick-100slides-per-lecture-fluffy-module. and probably i've had enough js modules. sigh.]
6. i will study hard during this holidays, consider carefully my proficiency level and schedule next semester, and NOT miss the placement test for JL. [yeah, no more repeats again, thanks. regardless of what im doing, RAG or not.]
this should be simple. im not asking for CAP 4.5 or something. hell, im not even vaguely near 4.0... bollocks!
i seriously have no idea how to study for gek1542! damnit! it's the worst module choice i've made this semester... why can't everything be like pl3233 or pl2131? even 3234 is fine... maybe i ll try taking 4 cores next sem and trottle myself. GAH. which reminds me,
7. need to plan carefully what core modules to take next next sem, and not next sem. and which are available, when.
its 3am already and i havent touched my FORENSIC SCIENCE NOTES.
試験は今週の土曜日です！今まで何もしません！
気持ち悪い！時間がありません！とても大変です！
助けて！お願い。。。＝＞____＜＝
Friday, 16 November 2007
okay, so i was reading about these couple of fellas who got the ig noble prize. apparently their discoveries/inventions 'first make people laugh, then make people think.'
there's this weird one this woman did; she found out that hamsters recover from jetlag more quickly when given viagra. and this guy who studied the side effects of sword-swallowing. bizarro!
best of all,
Nutrition: Brian Wansink, for investigating people's appetite for mindless eating by secretly feeding them a self-refilling bowl of soup.
how come i have a feeling this is something not unfamilar to me?
ha ha.
but anyway i refuse to believe that people do not notice their soup bowl automatically refilling!
then again, we dont notice that we're hanging on to the earth's surface cause of gravity and that the earth revolves once every 24 hours. if not some people would probably suffer from motion sickness, which might be an interesting study.
ok, nothing much, i think im slightly cranky cause i didnt sleep enough. 4 hours yesterday and 12 hours the day before should add up nicely but my bloodshot eyes and eye bags arent telling me the same thing.
anyway i borrowed a book called the norton psychology reader which is really smashing fantastic brilliant but i reckon i DO NOT have enough time to read it unless i place priority for it over my other study material,which, though detrimental,i know, i am likely to do so. dang.
ok, maybe just a chapter more before give in to a small nap?
there's this weird one this woman did; she found out that hamsters recover from jetlag more quickly when given viagra. and this guy who studied the side effects of sword-swallowing. bizarro!
best of all,
Nutrition: Brian Wansink, for investigating people's appetite for mindless eating by secretly feeding them a self-refilling bowl of soup.
The Bottomless Soup Bowl is Awarded an Ig Nobel Prize!
Q&A: The Bottomless Soup Bowl
1. How did you come up with the idea to develop this bottomless bowl of soup?
People often say they know its time to stop eating when they the plate or bowl they are eating from is empty. They call this, “The Clean Plate Club. "We wanted to know what would happen if a person's plate or bowl never emptied.
We engineered "bottomless soup bowls," that secretly refilled themselves from under the table as people ate.
When we brought 62 people in for a free soup lunch, we found that those with refillable bowls ate 73% more soup, but did not feel any more full. They responded, "How can I be full, I still have 1/2 a bowl of soup left." (Only 2 individuals ever realized this was happening).
how come i have a feeling this is something not unfamilar to me?
ha ha.
but anyway i refuse to believe that people do not notice their soup bowl automatically refilling!
then again, we dont notice that we're hanging on to the earth's surface cause of gravity and that the earth revolves once every 24 hours. if not some people would probably suffer from motion sickness, which might be an interesting study.
ok, nothing much, i think im slightly cranky cause i didnt sleep enough. 4 hours yesterday and 12 hours the day before should add up nicely but my bloodshot eyes and eye bags arent telling me the same thing.
anyway i borrowed a book called the norton psychology reader which is really smashing fantastic brilliant but i reckon i DO NOT have enough time to read it unless i place priority for it over my other study material,which, though detrimental,i know, i am likely to do so. dang.
ok, maybe just a chapter more before give in to a small nap?
Wednesday, 14 November 2007
its one of those sleepless, stubborn, relentless nights.
im sitting in the lounge, trying to keep my eyelids from falling and collapsing to meet my eyeballs, and its barely 2am. but the lounge isnt all nice and quiet. sigh. so much for trying to study to enhance retrieval; if im really serious about it, i might as well cajole a few psych students, grab a few desks and chairs and head over to mpsh to study, right? maybe even get some stand-ins to act as invigilators. so much for encoding-storage-retrieval.
im getting cranky lately.
the day before yesterday, i slept 15 hours. i missed breakfast, i missed lunch. when i woke up it was 330pm. then yesterday, in a guilty bid to make up for my lost time, i slept at 4am. and woke at 630 am. but i was quite alive this morning, surprisingly. ops, i mean, yesterday morning, its tuesday already now. so much for trying to stay awake.
something really okashii i was talking to sabah boya about. we were talking about random things and then suddenly i came up with a description
'its like the onigiri insisting that it has a lot of meat inside'
what that meant, is beyond me.
kind of studied in the lounge with weiling today.
felt quite bad about having so many people in the lounge, who were unfamilar to her. if it were me, i'd surely feel out of place. heck, even now, as i type, though im the one who really belongs to block b, i feel out of place now with these 5 other people left inside cause they're the junior batch and all have this little clique-chit-chat-not-studying thing going on.
dont know why, but i just want morning to come soon.
and i'm still speculating how long it will take for my hair to grow back.
[not that i dislike my current state that is. did i mention how cool i look? gah.]
im sitting in the lounge, trying to keep my eyelids from falling and collapsing to meet my eyeballs, and its barely 2am. but the lounge isnt all nice and quiet. sigh. so much for trying to study to enhance retrieval; if im really serious about it, i might as well cajole a few psych students, grab a few desks and chairs and head over to mpsh to study, right? maybe even get some stand-ins to act as invigilators. so much for encoding-storage-retrieval.
im getting cranky lately.
the day before yesterday, i slept 15 hours. i missed breakfast, i missed lunch. when i woke up it was 330pm. then yesterday, in a guilty bid to make up for my lost time, i slept at 4am. and woke at 630 am. but i was quite alive this morning, surprisingly. ops, i mean, yesterday morning, its tuesday already now. so much for trying to stay awake.
something really okashii i was talking to sabah boya about. we were talking about random things and then suddenly i came up with a description
'its like the onigiri insisting that it has a lot of meat inside'
what that meant, is beyond me.
kind of studied in the lounge with weiling today.
felt quite bad about having so many people in the lounge, who were unfamilar to her. if it were me, i'd surely feel out of place. heck, even now, as i type, though im the one who really belongs to block b, i feel out of place now with these 5 other people left inside cause they're the junior batch and all have this little clique-chit-chat-not-studying thing going on.
dont know why, but i just want morning to come soon.
and i'm still speculating how long it will take for my hair to grow back.
[not that i dislike my current state that is. did i mention how cool i look? gah.]
Sunday, 11 November 2007
the blue black on my forearm near my armpit doesnt really seem to be healing much. i didnt think much of it, till i received n number of shocked expressions from my fellow kendo ka upon their realisation of its existence. and i had a pretty hard time convincing kiat meng that it's the fruit of somebody from NUSKK's labour. lol. or rather, the by product of badly missed kote[s?]
dr. ho was like, wah, so much pus.
.... so maybe thats the yellow part inside it. less red and purple, more blue and yellowish now.
anyway today was a morale booster.
but the conclusion i have come to, regardless, is, still,
to train harder. n times harder [you know me, so you ll know what i mean by n]
im pretty lucky i managed to win 2 matches today but i got chromed by selina from nyp, who's in nus now, which is kind of like history repeating itself for the 3rd time. i remember getting chromed by her like two times before, but shes so good im speechless and i totally admit to my defeat. i just wish i could have done better! after listening to all the feedback from all my batchmates, the seniors, the juniors etc who painstakingly watched every single minute [well maybe not, but almost] of the matches i was in, including the prolonged ENCHO matches; there's just so much more i can improve, so many bad habits i can change/remove/eliminate/kill and so many more techniques/skills i can learn/improve on
anyway im kind of amused with the way my mom secretly smirked when i told her i won 2 matches and lost in the 3rd one. my sis, on the other hand, was pretty encouraging, surprisingly. little devil. never know when she suddenly will be nasty! but i cant imagine my weekends without her; its such a comfort to have her there :)
now i just feel like calling wife and telling her everything! about kendo, and hall, and schoolwork and about the changes in my life and asking her how she is and everything but i shouldnt since shes probably busy studying [or maybe NOT! watching hongkong dramas more likely haha]
疲れたが、難しいが、剣道ができます。
剣道は僕の人生、僕のすべて、
正しいの剣道、今まで探す。
それは、
剣道プライドです。
-----------------------------
on the other hand, i realise i keep thinking about grading but not exams! やばい！きゃ！これはだめです！*shakes head* okay, kendo is important, but IM STILL A STUDENT, AND GRADES IS STILL IMPORTANT. DAMN.
だから、いまだけ、勉強します。
dr. ho was like, wah, so much pus.
.... so maybe thats the yellow part inside it. less red and purple, more blue and yellowish now.
anyway today was a morale booster.
but the conclusion i have come to, regardless, is, still,
to train harder. n times harder [you know me, so you ll know what i mean by n]
im pretty lucky i managed to win 2 matches today but i got chromed by selina from nyp, who's in nus now, which is kind of like history repeating itself for the 3rd time. i remember getting chromed by her like two times before, but shes so good im speechless and i totally admit to my defeat. i just wish i could have done better! after listening to all the feedback from all my batchmates, the seniors, the juniors etc who painstakingly watched every single minute [well maybe not, but almost] of the matches i was in, including the prolonged ENCHO matches; there's just so much more i can improve, so many bad habits i can change/remove/eliminate/kill and so many more techniques/skills i can learn/improve on
anyway im kind of amused with the way my mom secretly smirked when i told her i won 2 matches and lost in the 3rd one. my sis, on the other hand, was pretty encouraging, surprisingly. little devil. never know when she suddenly will be nasty! but i cant imagine my weekends without her; its such a comfort to have her there :)
now i just feel like calling wife and telling her everything! about kendo, and hall, and schoolwork and about the changes in my life and asking her how she is and everything but i shouldnt since shes probably busy studying [or maybe NOT! watching hongkong dramas more likely haha]
疲れたが、難しいが、剣道ができます。
剣道は僕の人生、僕のすべて、
正しいの剣道、今まで探す。
それは、
剣道プライドです。
-----------------------------
on the other hand, i realise i keep thinking about grading but not exams! やばい！きゃ！これはだめです！*shakes head* okay, kendo is important, but IM STILL A STUDENT, AND GRADES IS STILL IMPORTANT. DAMN.
だから、いまだけ、勉強します。
Thursday, 8 November 2007
i can't shake the bad feeling off.
it's one of those days after training that i feel like just burying my face inside my men and not having to face the world ever again. albeit the smelly tenogui inside.
i feel frustrated with how my body refuses to cooperate with my mind, my will, my intentions.
how slow, how ineffective, how senseless.
i want to know what kind of feeling it is, just to bask in the feeling of ippon, to feel my ki-ai, my aggressiveness, my intent, my zansshin, my opponent's folly, and my own triump.
i really, really, need to train harder.
like, n times harder, where n -------> infinity.
[funny, i just borrowed a book about the concept of infinity, along with some compilation of all the more prominent works by the forefathers of psychology, named 'the norton psychology reader'. no prizes for anyone guessing what i ll read instead of my prescribed textbook and notes during my study time. *rolls eyes*
it's like, since the year started, i've been having this slow, but bugging change of mindset, subtly eating at me, consuming me, filling me whole. i've never been this concerned with my mistakes, my lost chances, my missed opportunities, my shortcomings. like how i told sabah boya after a practice, it's like some really horrid spoilt tape recorder, which is on default rewind and play, and it the scenes just keep on playing inside my mind, when i can't sleep at night; while im on the verge of plunging into non REM sleep.
i kind of feel a kind of shift in my priorities. like away from academics, though im not doing too badly, which is kind of a pleasing matter *cocks eyebrow* but it's like, i've never felt this way about kendo before! i remember my old mindset was kind of like, doesnt matter what happens during training, going for training always makes me feel better. but now its like, all the heavy stuff, expectations, the desire to improve and be strong, and all this.... disappointment.
kendo is kind of becoming my life. a little scary, but true!....
anyway, so nothing much these days, besides training for shi-ai, and mental preparation for grading, which i am so going to DO WELL OKAY TANWENLIN [sorry i like to talk to myself] and some tests here and there, projects due, blah blah, rounding up the lost sheep and info from some last chapters blah blah random lectures and tutorials etc *blah blahs on*
oh, and hot babe made it to hongkong chinese uni for exchange, so i better book tickets to fly to visit her this year or next sem soon or else there wont be any left, and i kind of miss miao and wei, and its like i havent really seen them for a long time and like wei is free 12-2 tomorrow BUT I HAVE CLASS 10-2 HOW SAD IS THAT and NTU isn even 1 hour away from NUS but i havent seen miao in eons and wife is so busy i wonder if she's still alive she replied me and said she's so caught up with NUS business projects [i am SO not business material, i am like, HOW ARTSY FARTSY CAN] and we ll have to meet after exams [she doesnt even have 10 mins free to talk to me if i run to her place from my house. how sad is that =(] and then there'll be sets starting 10 dec and J tells me it's not worth it to sell my soul to eusoff again like this and he says maybe meet after exams and stuff but he ll be busy at keppel and i ll have sets soon so i doubt we ll be able to meet but nevermind.
okay. *scratches head*
i'm fine, i will be, just need a little adrenaline, and maybe endorphins to keep me happy. which i have already, since i just had a good time with the treadmill. the guy waiting on the cycling machine seemed rather miffed. i think i made him wait too long. ha ha. amusing.
come on wenlin,
be strong.
it's one of those days after training that i feel like just burying my face inside my men and not having to face the world ever again. albeit the smelly tenogui inside.
i feel frustrated with how my body refuses to cooperate with my mind, my will, my intentions.
how slow, how ineffective, how senseless.
i want to know what kind of feeling it is, just to bask in the feeling of ippon, to feel my ki-ai, my aggressiveness, my intent, my zansshin, my opponent's folly, and my own triump.
i really, really, need to train harder.
like, n times harder, where n -------> infinity.
[funny, i just borrowed a book about the concept of infinity, along with some compilation of all the more prominent works by the forefathers of psychology, named 'the norton psychology reader'. no prizes for anyone guessing what i ll read instead of my prescribed textbook and notes during my study time. *rolls eyes*
it's like, since the year started, i've been having this slow, but bugging change of mindset, subtly eating at me, consuming me, filling me whole. i've never been this concerned with my mistakes, my lost chances, my missed opportunities, my shortcomings. like how i told sabah boya after a practice, it's like some really horrid spoilt tape recorder, which is on default rewind and play, and it the scenes just keep on playing inside my mind, when i can't sleep at night; while im on the verge of plunging into non REM sleep.
i kind of feel a kind of shift in my priorities. like away from academics, though im not doing too badly, which is kind of a pleasing matter *cocks eyebrow* but it's like, i've never felt this way about kendo before! i remember my old mindset was kind of like, doesnt matter what happens during training, going for training always makes me feel better. but now its like, all the heavy stuff, expectations, the desire to improve and be strong, and all this.... disappointment.
kendo is kind of becoming my life. a little scary, but true!....
anyway, so nothing much these days, besides training for shi-ai, and mental preparation for grading, which i am so going to DO WELL OKAY TANWENLIN [sorry i like to talk to myself] and some tests here and there, projects due, blah blah, rounding up the lost sheep and info from some last chapters blah blah random lectures and tutorials etc *blah blahs on*
oh, and hot babe made it to hongkong chinese uni for exchange, so i better book tickets to fly to visit her this year or next sem soon or else there wont be any left, and i kind of miss miao and wei, and its like i havent really seen them for a long time and like wei is free 12-2 tomorrow BUT I HAVE CLASS 10-2 HOW SAD IS THAT and NTU isn even 1 hour away from NUS but i havent seen miao in eons and wife is so busy i wonder if she's still alive she replied me and said she's so caught up with NUS business projects [i am SO not business material, i am like, HOW ARTSY FARTSY CAN] and we ll have to meet after exams [she doesnt even have 10 mins free to talk to me if i run to her place from my house. how sad is that =(] and then there'll be sets starting 10 dec and J tells me it's not worth it to sell my soul to eusoff again like this and he says maybe meet after exams and stuff but he ll be busy at keppel and i ll have sets soon so i doubt we ll be able to meet but nevermind.
okay. *scratches head*
i'm fine, i will be, just need a little adrenaline, and maybe endorphins to keep me happy. which i have already, since i just had a good time with the treadmill. the guy waiting on the cycling machine seemed rather miffed. i think i made him wait too long. ha ha. amusing.
come on wenlin,
be strong.
Wednesday, 7 November 2007
i think i'm cursed. it's a spanking new pair of trainers! i've worn them, what, barely 4 times?! though at least 45 minutes each time... the last time this happened i still had to wear a waterproof grey uniform. i remember it was pe, and i was wearing spanking new trainers, GREEN COLOURED! and by the end of the soccer session, my right shoe had a small hole -____-
so much for taking good care of my belongings.
i've temporarily found my new it song, so i'm pretty satisfied.
i dont know why i found shiina's voice so appealing; the first time i heard it,
i was like, who the hell is this woman with this screechy voice!? urgh. complete disdain.
but her voice has a compelling deadly charm, i swear. and her personality is really cool.
plus she plays n number of instruments really well, writes her own songs, tunes and lyrics, helms a band, and even produces her own albums, pretty impressive.
wait, she writes in archaic language? ok, that's seriously way beyond me. impressive still. what better than catchy tunes and a really bizarre character to idolize.
so pretty much nothing else has been playing in my headphones and computer speakers besides tokyo jihen and shiina's really intriguing vocals.
'adult' is seriously a gem. i think 'goraku', or 'variety', their latest album, is way too bizarre for me. the only song i find catchy enough to tolerate it's extreme level of weirdness is 金魚の箱.
it's a seriously good rocking track. 'メトロ' is pretty cute, but i don't quite appreciate it's electronic-cutesy-ish sound. the rest of the tracks, especially 'OSCA', are just plain absurd, no offense to TJ fans. seriously way too weird for my own acceptable standards. so then i tried 'adult', which was more mild, but pleasing to the ear. it has a suitable amount of drums, bass, good rock and even lounge-ish jazz [imagine her drawl when she sings jazz! surprisingly fantastic!] i'm just replaying most of the tracks on my computer now.
------------------------------
i'm pretty miffed that the f***ing dp marketing committee made all dp members absorb 2 tickets worth of money for tonight's bash, which i wisely didn't go for, since i'm not in the right state of mind to club, not with the state of things, and my state of hair [i wouldn't know what to wear! seriously, you tell me. *deadpan look*]
another reason to classify hall life and administration as f***ed up.
not that i'm so angsty. i like some people in hall, and can tolerate most people her, but the way things are done are still so disappointing, despite all the promising leaders and new people making decisions and all. i guess in the end it's still the same, yeah?
need more time to consider my stay.
meanwhile im glad dr so. got funding so we can all get paid for being her research assistants. yay/. no more intense immense internal struggle over not teaching tuition and not being self-sufficient. at least im showing some signs of trying to be.
okay, im trying to listen to 'metro' again, BUT IT'S REALLY TOO SLOW AND CUTESY FOR MY LIKING. goodness. *clicks fast-forward to chorus. alright, at least the tune here is more tolerable. there's a good bit of drums, and her 'doo-doo-do-do-do' is pretty catchy and more cute than act-cute. the things shiina does. sometimes i doubt her creative ability. *rolls eyes*
anyway, that's besides the point.
exams are around the corner, and i'm still shaking my leg [literally, since i'm doing that now, but you know what i mean] [wait, she stopped singing and there's this electric guitar and keyboard solo which is pretty nice. oh, she started singing again. her english is inaudible/undecipherable/weird/pretty cool[depending on what she sings... she sounds sexy/husky when she sings in english, weird eh!]
ok, i'm determined to try to assimilate 'goraku' again. im sure im weird enough to accept some more of it's weirdness. [ok, 'ramp' sounds pretty ok, but it's not a potential 'it' song =( frmph.]
maybe not.
----------------------------------
the drips of blood, the smell of sweat,the taste of iron,
at the expense of my adrenaline fix.
sigh.
so much for taking good care of my belongings.
i've temporarily found my new it song, so i'm pretty satisfied.
i dont know why i found shiina's voice so appealing; the first time i heard it,
i was like, who the hell is this woman with this screechy voice!? urgh. complete disdain.
but her voice has a compelling deadly charm, i swear. and her personality is really cool.
plus she plays n number of instruments really well, writes her own songs, tunes and lyrics, helms a band, and even produces her own albums, pretty impressive.
wait, she writes in archaic language? ok, that's seriously way beyond me. impressive still. what better than catchy tunes and a really bizarre character to idolize.
so pretty much nothing else has been playing in my headphones and computer speakers besides tokyo jihen and shiina's really intriguing vocals.
'adult' is seriously a gem. i think 'goraku', or 'variety', their latest album, is way too bizarre for me. the only song i find catchy enough to tolerate it's extreme level of weirdness is 金魚の箱.
it's a seriously good rocking track. 'メトロ' is pretty cute, but i don't quite appreciate it's electronic-cutesy-ish sound. the rest of the tracks, especially 'OSCA', are just plain absurd, no offense to TJ fans. seriously way too weird for my own acceptable standards. so then i tried 'adult', which was more mild, but pleasing to the ear. it has a suitable amount of drums, bass, good rock and even lounge-ish jazz [imagine her drawl when she sings jazz! surprisingly fantastic!] i'm just replaying most of the tracks on my computer now.
------------------------------
i'm pretty miffed that the f***ing dp marketing committee made all dp members absorb 2 tickets worth of money for tonight's bash, which i wisely didn't go for, since i'm not in the right state of mind to club, not with the state of things, and my state of hair [i wouldn't know what to wear! seriously, you tell me. *deadpan look*]
another reason to classify hall life and administration as f***ed up.
not that i'm so angsty. i like some people in hall, and can tolerate most people her, but the way things are done are still so disappointing, despite all the promising leaders and new people making decisions and all. i guess in the end it's still the same, yeah?
need more time to consider my stay.
meanwhile im glad dr so. got funding so we can all get paid for being her research assistants. yay/. no more intense immense internal struggle over not teaching tuition and not being self-sufficient. at least im showing some signs of trying to be.
okay, im trying to listen to 'metro' again, BUT IT'S REALLY TOO SLOW AND CUTESY FOR MY LIKING. goodness. *clicks fast-forward to chorus. alright, at least the tune here is more tolerable. there's a good bit of drums, and her 'doo-doo-do-do-do' is pretty catchy and more cute than act-cute. the things shiina does. sometimes i doubt her creative ability. *rolls eyes*
anyway, that's besides the point.
exams are around the corner, and i'm still shaking my leg [literally, since i'm doing that now, but you know what i mean] [wait, she stopped singing and there's this electric guitar and keyboard solo which is pretty nice. oh, she started singing again. her english is inaudible/undecipherable/weird/pretty cool[depending on what she sings... she sounds sexy/husky when she sings in english, weird eh!]
ok, i'm determined to try to assimilate 'goraku' again. im sure im weird enough to accept some more of it's weirdness. [ok, 'ramp' sounds pretty ok, but it's not a potential 'it' song =( frmph.]
maybe not.
----------------------------------
the drips of blood, the smell of sweat,the taste of iron,
at the expense of my adrenaline fix.
sigh.
Sunday, 4 November 2007
i didnt really do anything but sleep this weekend so far. again. why am i sounding like i totally expected this?
*mental groan*
people are always telling me about their grand plans to cut down on sleep time, how sleep is a waste of your life, how if you could just minise your sleep to 4 hours a day, that would release you from not being able to do anything but lie flat horizontally and breathing for 1/6 of your lifetime... assuming you are a normal healthy adult that normally [yes i know i repeated that twice] requires 8 hours of sleep.
and still, i am, sleeping, weekends, up to 12 hours a day.
goodness. it's starting to get so troubling to the point im oversleeping, missing hall breakfast [which is important for cheapskates and bim-bo [it's poor in japanese.] people such as yours truly] and some random lectures...
i think it's the comfort zone thing.
i get so caught up in the stress and the beat of stuff in hall and school,
i totally let loose and relax and conk out when i return to the comfort of my bed, my sisters, endless time-wasting taiwanese variety shows and dramas and the assurance of my parents.
it's entirely comforting.
i'm sleeping a lot, and not feeling guilty about it.
not at all.
goodness, if i could
i'd sleep 2/3 of my day away.
can you imagine?
then i can save money on 2 meals and just stay up for 1 meal. which would save me seriously a lot of money.
anyway, i guess im pretty happy cause im getting paid for doing research work at school, so that takes ONE problem off my mind, and that's one less issue to ponder about when deciding if i should stay in hall next year. now there's this nagging voice in my head instructing me to just stay in hall and enjoy the fringe benefits of oncampus accomodation for all my hard work and contribution to hall so far and in the near future [since i already committed to doing dp sets 07/08] SO I MIGHT AS WELL STAY NEXT YEAR AND NOT JOIN ANYTHING HA HA HA.
that thought amuses me.
can you imagine?
wenlin, the closet mugger, the hermit.
*scratches head*
somehow,
it just doesn't fit me.
*mental groan*
people are always telling me about their grand plans to cut down on sleep time, how sleep is a waste of your life, how if you could just minise your sleep to 4 hours a day, that would release you from not being able to do anything but lie flat horizontally and breathing for 1/6 of your lifetime... assuming you are a normal healthy adult that normally [yes i know i repeated that twice] requires 8 hours of sleep.
and still, i am, sleeping, weekends, up to 12 hours a day.
goodness. it's starting to get so troubling to the point im oversleeping, missing hall breakfast [which is important for cheapskates and bim-bo [it's poor in japanese.] people such as yours truly] and some random lectures...
i think it's the comfort zone thing.
i get so caught up in the stress and the beat of stuff in hall and school,
i totally let loose and relax and conk out when i return to the comfort of my bed, my sisters, endless time-wasting taiwanese variety shows and dramas and the assurance of my parents.
it's entirely comforting.
i'm sleeping a lot, and not feeling guilty about it.
not at all.
goodness, if i could
i'd sleep 2/3 of my day away.
can you imagine?
then i can save money on 2 meals and just stay up for 1 meal. which would save me seriously a lot of money.
anyway, i guess im pretty happy cause im getting paid for doing research work at school, so that takes ONE problem off my mind, and that's one less issue to ponder about when deciding if i should stay in hall next year. now there's this nagging voice in my head instructing me to just stay in hall and enjoy the fringe benefits of oncampus accomodation for all my hard work and contribution to hall so far and in the near future [since i already committed to doing dp sets 07/08] SO I MIGHT AS WELL STAY NEXT YEAR AND NOT JOIN ANYTHING HA HA HA.
that thought amuses me.
can you imagine?
wenlin, the closet mugger, the hermit.
*scratches head*
somehow,
it just doesn't fit me.
Thursday, 1 November 2007
actually i'm really tempted to post about this torrid blister/bump i have right smack on the bottom of my left foot where my foot rests when i ka-ma-e, but it would be too whine-y and not really like that of me so i decided not to.
anyway, i realised,
nobody really understands or really bothers to understand how you feel.
it's like, everyone has his or her own worries, concerns, homework, assignments, family problems, injuries to bother about, it's hard to even try to be or pretend to be concerned about others. i think, in the end, it's all about self-determination and drive. it's really up to you to make it past any difficulties or hindrances in your way. people can give you advice, but ultimately it's your life, your choice.
quoting from jw: 'you should just wrap it up, suck it in and act like a real man'
[only i think he forgot i'm not, but im honoured that he sees me as being capable of being a real man and withstanding pain and torture and tolerating difficulties. it's the only way to be strong.]
which is why i make it a practice not to comment when people tell me they are injured and can't train, or they have too many deadlines and tests, so they can't go for training, etc. blah blah.
i guess, ultimately, it's your personal choice.
and i'm pretty glad i made my, albeit it being a painful one.
i'm glad i agree when jw asked me if i wanted to run together last night,
and im glad i ignored the nagging doubts and worries swirling in my head the past 3 days and decided to come for training today. another positive reinforcement-experience.
i guess sometimes it's the way you look at things?
it's pretty funny cause i can't really lift my left foot up much now, so it kind of eliminates or minimises my left-foot-shifting-before cutting problem. *smirk* i like. haha.
so maybe it's a blessing in disguise, a really bad disguise....
the running around the track with jw kind of make the thing smaller and less protruding [at least i dont feel it bulge under my foot above my slipper like a tumor] and today's training like of burst one of the larger bulges, and then the pus [is that the way to spell it] like of like seeped out....
haha, ewwwww...
but amusing, nevertheless.
there is still one bulge near the place between my big toe and second toe! so annoying. haha.
anyway, quite random, but apparently women have a threshold for pain that is 9 times that of men. probably due to childbirth.
it kind of reminds me of the time when huang lao shi was instructing us in the studio, and we were doing warm-up and stretching.
so like the other girls, i'd put my leg on the bar, and then stretch my hand to reach my toes and try to bend my body so it's be as close as possible to the leg on the bar.
and then i'd be secretly cursing all kinds of vulgarities mentally inside, while huang lao shi, which his curly hair, would do his customary little flick of the hand, and say,
'girls, pain is good, pain is good.'
i'm sure all the girls were thinking [myself included of course]
yeah, right.
anyway, i realised,
nobody really understands or really bothers to understand how you feel.
it's like, everyone has his or her own worries, concerns, homework, assignments, family problems, injuries to bother about, it's hard to even try to be or pretend to be concerned about others. i think, in the end, it's all about self-determination and drive. it's really up to you to make it past any difficulties or hindrances in your way. people can give you advice, but ultimately it's your life, your choice.
quoting from jw: 'you should just wrap it up, suck it in and act like a real man'
[only i think he forgot i'm not, but im honoured that he sees me as being capable of being a real man and withstanding pain and torture and tolerating difficulties. it's the only way to be strong.]
which is why i make it a practice not to comment when people tell me they are injured and can't train, or they have too many deadlines and tests, so they can't go for training, etc. blah blah.
i guess, ultimately, it's your personal choice.
and i'm pretty glad i made my, albeit it being a painful one.
i'm glad i agree when jw asked me if i wanted to run together last night,
and im glad i ignored the nagging doubts and worries swirling in my head the past 3 days and decided to come for training today. another positive reinforcement-experience.
i guess sometimes it's the way you look at things?
it's pretty funny cause i can't really lift my left foot up much now, so it kind of eliminates or minimises my left-foot-shifting-before cutting problem. *smirk* i like. haha.
so maybe it's a blessing in disguise, a really bad disguise....
the running around the track with jw kind of make the thing smaller and less protruding [at least i dont feel it bulge under my foot above my slipper like a tumor] and today's training like of burst one of the larger bulges, and then the pus [is that the way to spell it] like of like seeped out....
haha, ewwwww...
but amusing, nevertheless.
there is still one bulge near the place between my big toe and second toe! so annoying. haha.
anyway, quite random, but apparently women have a threshold for pain that is 9 times that of men. probably due to childbirth.
it kind of reminds me of the time when huang lao shi was instructing us in the studio, and we were doing warm-up and stretching.
so like the other girls, i'd put my leg on the bar, and then stretch my hand to reach my toes and try to bend my body so it's be as close as possible to the leg on the bar.
and then i'd be secretly cursing all kinds of vulgarities mentally inside, while huang lao shi, which his curly hair, would do his customary little flick of the hand, and say,
'girls, pain is good, pain is good.'
i'm sure all the girls were thinking [myself included of course]
yeah, right.
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