i can't shake the bad feeling off.

it's one of those days after training that i feel like just burying my face inside my men and not having to face the world ever again. albeit the smelly tenogui inside.

i feel frustrated with how my body refuses to cooperate with my mind, my will, my intentions.
how slow, how ineffective, how senseless.
i want to know what kind of feeling it is, just to bask in the feeling of ippon, to feel my ki-ai, my aggressiveness, my intent, my zansshin, my opponent's folly, and my own triump.


i really, really, need to train harder.
like, n times harder, where n -------> infinity.
[funny, i just borrowed a book about the concept of infinity, along with some compilation of all the more prominent works by the forefathers of psychology, named 'the norton psychology reader'. no prizes for anyone guessing what i ll read instead of my prescribed textbook and notes during my study time. *rolls eyes*

it's like, since the year started, i've been having this slow, but bugging change of mindset, subtly eating at me, consuming me, filling me whole. i've never been this concerned with my mistakes, my lost chances, my missed opportunities, my shortcomings. like how i told sabah boya after a practice, it's like some really horrid spoilt tape recorder, which is on default rewind and play, and it the scenes just keep on playing inside my mind, when i can't sleep at night; while im on the verge of plunging into non REM sleep.



i kind of feel a kind of shift in my priorities. like away from academics, though im not doing too badly, which is kind of a pleasing matter *cocks eyebrow* but it's like, i've never felt this way about kendo before! i remember my old mindset was kind of like, doesnt matter what happens during training, going for training always makes me feel better. but now its like, all the heavy stuff, expectations, the desire to improve and be strong, and all this.... disappointment.

kendo is kind of becoming my life. a little scary, but true!....

anyway, so nothing much these days, besides training for shi-ai, and mental preparation for grading, which i am so going to DO WELL OKAY TANWENLIN [sorry i like to talk to myself] and some tests here and there, projects due, blah blah, rounding up the lost sheep and info from some last chapters blah blah random lectures and tutorials etc *blah blahs on*

oh, and hot babe made it to hongkong chinese uni for exchange, so i better book tickets to fly to visit her this year or next sem soon or else there wont be any left, and i kind of miss miao and wei, and its like i havent really seen them for a long time and like wei is free 12-2 tomorrow BUT I HAVE CLASS 10-2 HOW SAD IS THAT and NTU isn even 1 hour away from NUS but i havent seen miao in eons and wife is so busy i wonder if she's still alive she replied me and said she's so caught up with NUS business projects [i am SO not business material, i am like, HOW ARTSY FARTSY CAN] and we ll have to meet after exams [she doesnt even have 10 mins free to talk to me if i run to her place from my house. how sad is that =(] and then there'll be sets starting 10 dec and J tells me it's not worth it to sell my soul to eusoff again like this and he says maybe meet after exams and stuff but he ll be busy at keppel and i ll have sets soon so i doubt we ll be able to meet but nevermind.

okay. *scratches head*


i'm fine, i will be, just need a little adrenaline, and maybe endorphins to keep me happy. which i have already, since i just had a good time with the treadmill. the guy waiting on the cycling machine seemed rather miffed. i think i made him wait too long. ha ha. amusing.

come on wenlin,

be strong.