cloud messaged me today to ask if i knew where serene posted me, cause she didnt.

its a bit sad to leave keong saik, but i guess this is exactly what i needed;
to step out of my comfort zone.
i'd be sad to leave mr han, the kids [gabby is my favourite; i cant help it, im just biased but at least i dont explicitly show it, heh =)]
miss gabby, gim seng, his sister, joey, yew cheong...

i ll miss lunching together with zoey and cloud...


so today was rather eventful i think.
cause its a new outlet, serene got us to go around creating publicity for the outlet; the turnout and enquiries seem rather positive.

it was quite amusing i think; my virgin attempt at distributing flyers!
*gasp*
im so sua ku and sheltered, can? haha.
i mean, i ve always thought of giving out flyers for a quick buck but i hate being pestered by flyer distributors so i reckon i wouldnt want to pester other people and be disliked.
but in the end we ended up doing the door to door thing.
which wasnt too bad, cause most of the residents were really nice.
the general rule; smile, and they will smile back.
just explain your cause nicely, and they will accept.

so 1/2 of the day was spent distributing flyers. had i known it would be so hot i'd have worn shorts, but i never wear shorts out anyway, so-

i suppose its rather amusing to be stuck with a 15 year old boy whos probably half a head taller than you are. i mean, at first i tried very hard to make small talk. you know, the usual. i just cant help it if theres this silence. sometimes between mutual friends its a silence of compromise. or its a comfortable silence. but with someone you dont really know, its just plain awkward!
so after my first few attempts i kind of gave up cause he just gave me one word answers.
=_____= seriously! im not like some old woman trying to pick you up!
its just small talk man! lol. would it kill for you to smile a little, work those cheek muscles? geez.

but looking at him DOES make me feel old. i mean, hes like what, sec 3? and hes tall, quite good-looking. not to mention doesnt like to smile, likes to act-cool blah blah. is it a phase all guys grow out of? cause my dad doesnt seem to have grown out of it yet. frmph. *smirk*

BUT THE SILENCE WAS KILLING ME
so i just kind of heaved a sigh of resignment [a sigh of resignment sounds funny. you know, weird-funny, not haha-funny]

then the weird part came
he started making small talk.
haha.
but it was in random spurts, and i was usually caught off guard when he tried.
and i was so tired and sien from giving out flyers anyway. but
it was so amusing!

so there i was, this 19 going on 20 talkative girl/woman [one kid called me auntie and broke my heart. some adults still think im sec 4 eh, girl ah, how can you call me auntie? =( lol] distributing flyers with this 15 year old boy who doesnt seem to like to talk.

well
something good came out of it at the end. i wont say what, but it made me smile for the rest of the day. amusing.

somehow, he reminds me of my lost youth.
the expression on his face; the delight written all over when he flipped through that book;
it mirrored mine; my feelings, my emotions were exactly the same.
but i've decided my path already. its a bit sad i didnt have enough courage to pursue my dreams. but he still can. 15 eh. when i was 15, i thought i had my whole life right in front of me, waiting for me to explore, to make mistakes, to correct them, to succeed.
then people say theres always chances for career changes.
but im not disliking what im intending to do anyway; second best isnt too bad, LAH. right?
anyway i can always draw in my free time and post it on DEVIANT ART haha right.


im looking forward to meeting the other people from the other outlets. wonder what they ll be like. and the art competition on the 9th... wife's birthday! its coming soon. which implies i better show some action, cause her present last year i spent a whole 3 months doing... thats one present i dont think i can outdo.. sigh...

it seems like every outlet i go to [except for the bishan one] keong saik, this west coast one, i seem to find its surroundings heart-breakingly beautiful and picturesque. or maybe its just me, on one of my emo-chirpy-cheerful-the-world-is-so-wonderful-i-cant-take-it days.



its a pity i didnt get to take pictures of keong saik road;
i ll be sure to take pictures of west coast for sure =3

im still coughing, but its a lot better thanks to the cough syrup from mr m.
sometimes, i just dont know what to say, cause 'thank you' is never enough, and is way too formal... but i d just like people to know im thankful ...

i have to make a conscious effort to start remembering names again...
i mean, english names shouldnt be a problem, but my STM seems to have a lower-than-average-7 capacity. i know its supposed to be 7+2 or 7-2
but it seems like im some mad anomaly; i can only remember like what, 3 names?

i wont make the same mistake again;
i remember gabby's hurt expression when i called her wrongly
all she wanted was for me to remember her name.
and the smile on her face when i called her name correctly the next time, and the times after that... and the smile on MY face when she asked for my name in return....



and the smile on my face today when anne asked for my name
priceless.

it hurts.

=(

the last time things we so serious,
i was still wearing that grey scratchy uniform that other people say make us look like elephants or make us blend into the pavement.

we were 3 weeks? away from syf, and there was some intensive practice
miss lim was freaking out; ash was freaking out; ben was freaking out

and i lost it.
everyone was shocked.
shell-shocked.
i think we all took it for granted.

i was the loudest in the section, and at that time, it seemed like the volume was cut by half just by my absence. ash has this extremely worried look written over her face, and ben was like frowning. bingxi was slightly amused; xiang was concerned.

for once, i sat at the side and wrote notes during practice.
wrote down criticisms so we could improve, took note of who was slacking off, who was auto-piloting, which section was lousier, blah blah.

it was so bad i didnt even want to talk.
i mean, i probably could if i wanted to, but it hurt too much.
i felt like ripping my throat out.



its happening again!
jamais vu!

however manly, low, throaty, husky, frequently-teased about
its something i cant live without
its killing me

i need cough syrup.

i was talking to small boy today, and this is what we said:

small boy: go redang with us lah, its just 3 days!
wl: i think i ll give it a pass. i just sold my soul to eusoff.

small boy: is it worth it?
-------------------------------------------

and i thought to myself.
is it worth it?


going through all this.

sometimes i question, i wonder, i ponder, i brood, i mull
but the answers just never come, and i just continue things the way i deem fit.
be it really fitting or not.
worth it or not.

i mean, whats really worth it?



i had my 5 secs of fame today as i stood on stage and collected my merit silver from some resident fellow, as a representative of eusoff works.
i mean, i like photography, and video editing isnt too bad, and i like the ew guys, jj, our video god, joshua, huang bin and huan jin; our whole gang,
but its something i didnt expect.

if anything, i expected to get some form of assurance for sets.
for all the bruises, sweat, sawdust i breathed in.

i mean, these are all commitments, kendo included, but
i mean,
im commited, but i only have 24 hrs a day
and its unescapable that i have to prioritise

to me, of course studies come first [at least they re supposed to be, LAH]
followed by kendo [funny how this has become an obsession, a kind of weird sadistic fetish]
then sets and eusoff works.

im glad for those who went up and collected their recognition for sets, and i agree they deserve it, but somehow i cant ignore the fact that some part of me is sad that i wasnt up there for the same reason.


but what is it,
just a piece of flimsy paper.

and to top it up, i claimed 2 flimsy pieces of paper today.
the EW merit silver, and my jlpt 4 pass cert.
i suppose im supposed to feel wholesome now, but
somehow all this makes me feel like im disgusted with how 'paper-chasing' i have become.

----------------------------------

ok, enough reflection for today.
now for something superficial and totally fluffy and insignificant, random, mundane, unimportant

im contemplating snipping off my fringe.
i didnt realise it, but its so long it can cover the whole of my pau-like face.
fantastic.

i mean, i kind of like the way i look now, but its not really me.
im getting sickened by the face i see when i wake up and walk to the toilet sink.
its this child-like face, with really old old eyes.
sometimes theres this vulnerability that i cant quite place my finger on,
but then it flickers, and the next moment i look, its gone without a trace.

then sometimes theres this fierce determination [particularly after kendo practice, heh, i wonder why] coupled with some sad distant look...

on some better days,
theres this nice smile, kind of sparkly and shiny, and its so silly i cant help but laugh...



somehow this is all me, but its not
i mean it probably is, but it doesnt feel like.
sigh/.
--------------------------------
its at this time of the year i look around,
and appreciate what i have,
and who i ve come to know.

im glad, i came to eusoff hall,
attended orientation, made a few friends. [though many of them i dont talk to now]
im glad i joined eusoff works, and kendo.
im glad i got to know jiejing, because the first time we met during orientation, i didnt really like him, but once we talked we hit it off so well i dont think i could have stopped talking if i liked.
im glad for all the subway cookies he has thoughtfully donated to me;
im glad for all the times we went to kendo together
i wouldnt believe it myself, but having a friend like that, in kendo, is definitely a big motivation to go for practice.
im glad i joined kendo, saw shermaine, saw estee, saw mr godspeed.
im glad i met sabah boy, james san, pa-li san, jia wei, hanni bunny
im glad i talked to sabah boy online, because before that i didnt really believe friendships could be built/sustained/lasted on msn conversations.
for all the practices, the hayasuburis, the kirikaeshis we ve been through together,
cheers guys.
im glad i joined jss with qiuping, im glad i had boss as my boss, however mcp and tyrannical he may have seemed and still seems... im glad i got to know joan, and silly siew koon, and akai-megane san... however sadly i screwed up as a secretary for the second half of my duty...
im glad i joined sets, that i got to know hippo sex head hadrian, our funny acutely neurotic vice head shaun, then theres weiqi, hao yuin, huiro,
im glad sets gave me a chance to know wayne, small boy and mr m. better,
glad sets gave me a chance to know firus,
glad for the drinking sessions with mr m. and small boy,
glad for the brownie from mr. m,
im glad i took ph1101e this sem after shermaine persuaded me,
glad i took js1101e only to find that ck, jenna and mr godspeed are taking it too.
glad i got to know ck and mr godspeed better over discussing js stuff
glad for the random online conversations with mr godspeed, for his encouragement, and even sometimes his funny remarks

glad for ash, taking pl1101e with me
for sitting next to me during unbearable lectures, keeping me awake
glad to be in the same school as wife and weiling
glad just to chance on them once in a while on campus; no words can express the happiness and surprise from the unexpected chance encounters


there are n things to be happy about
where n----------------> infinity
and i know i should be.

but sometimes i just need to be reminded of them

anyway, unrelated but
the thought of a full-grown man and a kitten totally tickles me.
if you know what i mean? *chuckle*

=)

oh my god,

mr m.

did you get?......


WAHH IM DAMN HAPPY I CANT WAIT EH


=D

talking to shermaine and estee is always kind of funny
haha,
its weird funny and haha funny
but it always makes me happy in a good way.

its almost as good as a milo truck
but not quite =)

somehow kendo always has the ability to do fantastic things to ordinary people, me included.
i still remember the first time i saw my seniors without their gi, hakama and bogu.
i thought,
how ordinary they look.

i ll use mr godspeed as an example, since i consider him a friend and he probably shouldnt mind being mentioned in this way, SHOULD HE. haha. *stifles a laugh* it amuses me to make him angry sometimes, but i know i should be so evil. *smiles sweetly* i swear if we quarrel, its unintentional, but well, these things cant be helped. and so...

*erhem.
and so, i thought to myself
this guy looks pretty normal eh. and hes so smiley, he seems quite friendly. dont know what hes like on the shi-ai jo eh. and i was speculating.
then the time came for sparring

and oh-my-god.
i was like
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can
hahahaha. everytime i think back, i find it immensely amusing.

same for not-so-lousy senpai [she is no where near lousy can LOL].
at first all the juniors didnt like her, cause some people thought shes fierce, which is true to some extent i believe, but theres always a reasonable reason for it. frmph. *smile*
and when i watched her during keiko
i was really, really impressed.

the same goes for all the other seniors.
when the put on their bogu, their men, and fought in the dojo
the older seniors more so, i cannot imagine how they can come for training after work...
their commitment and passion....
words fail me.
i couldnt stop staring.

how small i felt, feeable, holding my club shinai, in my new gi and hakama, waiting to become a blue smurf.


that made all the difference.
the sacrifice, the blood, the sweat, the limits pushed, everything...
it was a tremendous feeling; i was overwhelming, more impressed than anything....

and i thought to myself [like i always do, sigh]



i want to be strong.
but i really meant it this time. on my own.

im kind of glad i went for training today, since i wont be able to make it for training on thursday [its a promise i made to mr m. ; we all make compromises, if he does, if im 'friend' enough, i'd show sincerity by making mine.... however silly and childish that sounds. thats one thing my friends always say they find assuring, that i'm always 'friend' enough.'
its a desirable trait i suppose.

i know training in the dojo is important, but thursday i decided is a no no. the promise is part of the motivation, but grades and assignments come before anything else.

my status as a student comes before everything else,
and i have impending essays and project deadlines.
i think what my dad said about my life is quite true. that i need to focus on my main purpose at nus, njc, wherever.
as important as ccas are, they re not your life.
*nod*


training was tough.
maybe its just my lousy stamina.
or perhaps zhenqiang pointed out rather aptly that my bogu set is apparently a lot heavier than his and weijun's, and that walking from eusoff hall to japanese school can kill shoulders.
its an excuse, but its a valid excuse.
as a responsible kendo ka, i should promptly save up for a new bag, because eugene's stupid roller bag is killing me even BEFORE practice starts lol. amusing.

but hey, i lasted through training ok? however much at one point of time i felt like wipping out my men and crying and admiting im a lousy shit kendo ka
i made it, however lousy.

and its a fantastic wake up call.
now i know where i stand.
and how much further i have to push to reach my goal.
its so far away....*reaches hand* its like i can see it, but its not something tangible that i can touch....


NOT GIVING UP!
NO NO NO NO NO
YOU CAN LOOK AT ME AND THINK,
WAH, YOU RE LOUSY LIKE SHIT
DOESNT MATTER!
I CAN TRAIN AND IMPROVE
BLEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HEH
BLEAH =________=

OK, i think i was mad.
*smirk*
i will die if i have to, humilate myself, shame myself
WHATEVER LA
the harder it is
the more shitty things are [myself included]

the more its so....
i cant put it off my mind.

one thing mr godspeed said, i dont think i ll ever forget [its one of those lines that echo through your brain when you re about to die and your life flashes before your eyes ; i wonder if i ll be hugging my shinai when i die hahahaha ]

he said,
its hard, thats why its fun
and i agreed.




its a bit sad during practice to be lousy of course.

and the only kind of assurance is that i can ki-ai loudly.
er, thanks?
=( the loud voice kind of came naturally la, but i suppose choral training for 6 years helped.
i need to work myself to prove a quality BESIDES ki-ai.
i mean i know its key to attack, intimidating your opponent, blah blah

BUT
if you cut like shit, and expose all your weak points?
whats the point of barking louder than your bite?

no words can express how useless i feel sometimes....




i need to run, to feel the wind in my hair, to talk to wife, to smile, and forget things for a while.


its like sometimes i wonder why i put myself through all this psychologically, mentally, physically torturing things. its not like i HAVE to do it, i simply asked for all of it
and sometimes i wonder to myself
why the HELL am i going through all this?

its like running from one kind of torture into another type, thinking that it will be an escape and that you can find solace.
its ironic, but somehow
it works eh.

its funny how these things are
sawing wood made me forget my troubles, the stress at home, the impending assignments, the expectations from others and myself for my first competition
then kendo practice made me forget the dp sets deadline, how we needed to rush stuff over weekends to get it done on times, my projects, my relationships with hall people that just end up sadly one way or another
staying in hall makes me forget the stuff i dont want to take at home
then going home takes the stress of having to deal with these people in hall

IRONIC, ISNT IT
i think im mad.
mr m. agreed.

wenlin is mad wenlin is mad wenlin is madddddddddddd

this is really random, but
i need to cut my fringe.
the heat is killing me.




*fans self*

i need to go home again.
get my usual fix of my adorable loving annoying kid sister.
=) i love her really, but i wont tell her, shhhh. =)

today mr godspeed and i were talking about kendo, feeling lousy, pretty girls, dressing up, differences people have online and off, and some other random things.[such as OUR JS PROJECT WHICH HAS AN IMPENDING DEADLINE which my part i should be drafting now but hey im halfway through ok!]

its slightly worrying, but
i cant seem to stop the urge to cough.
or is it the coughing that i cant seem to stop?...
i hate this feeling....


i know its scary but
i love the way i sometimes hold mental conversations with myself.
it kills the loneliness at night.


sigh.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_spaghetti_monster

this is damn amusing./
*smirk*
*stifles a laugh*

----------------------------------

ok, so i know im supposed to be writing my philo essay [which i am! really, i swear]
but theres so much stuff this week im actually planning my hourly timetable.

just the thought sickens me./




i thought i had inspiration for an amusing post, but
writing an essay about how our senses deceive us, and there is nothing to believe in except that only my thought exists kind of killed that inspiration or eliminated any residual creativity.

till then,
until my brain comes back

[anyway i have reason to doubt even if my blog, or you, my readers, exist.
why do i blog anyway?
hmmm....

mr godspeed and i were talking about some of the worries of leg injuries, and of kendo, and other things and such. and of course, omedeto, godspeed san, on your first fyp draft.
and then we talked about something, and it lead to me saying [it always seems like im the one talking, eh?] something about reading people through their eyes...

and this is an old entry i dug out....:
------------------------------------

' The next stage in the development of Theory of Mind is understanding the language of the eyes. The old saying, ' Eyes are windows to the soul' is not far from the truth. When someone stares directly into your eyes, your heart rate increases as does the electrical activity in your brain. The effect of direct eye contact is so intense that we normally only stare directly at a person who is staring back at us in one of the two situations; either when we re incredibly angry or when we re in love. As shakespeare said in love's labour's lost, 'A lover's eyes will gaze an eagle blind'.

we are often acutely aware when someone is looking at us. Imagine that you are in a cafe having coffee on your own, when you suddenly feel strange. You look up quickly, and sure enough, someone is staring at you, but as soon as you look at them, they turn away and usually both of you are left feeling uncomfortable.'

now that sounds familar. i couldnt help but give a secret chuckle while i was reading it.

'The evolutionary reason why you should take very good care to detect eye gaze is because when another animal is looking at you it can mean one of the three 'F's. Either that animal wants to fight you, feed on you, or mate with you.

urm. okayyy. haha. i guess i kind of knew this kind of thing all along.
anyway, i was just randomly thinking about this today.
what if we were totally uncivilised and mately for the pure sake of biological purposes like our primate relatives?
what would it be like?

i mean, it would be....
i rather not think about it
but then again, when you think back, theres always a hidden biological reasoning behind why you experience infatuation with some particular members of the opposite sex. its probably cause you think he ll be a good person to father your kids.

but this is just a hypothesis anyway.
the next time you look at me, i ll see if i have the courage to look back.



because it probably means something.

----------------------------------------

what WAS i thinking?
i wonder.

well, that explains why i glare at people i dont like.
funny how i' ve never been able to hold the gaze of people i ve liked.
maybe i ve never liked them enough.

i wonder.



ok, so maybe it doesnt skip a beat,
but it definitely goes faster.
funny how smiling makes you feel nervous.
or maybe its the other way around?

i was just thinking about some random and unconnected things as i woke from my sleep today/
this string of words that appeared in my mind while i boarded a bus home just now

how tragic it is to be to be afraid of not having anything witty to say.



and i feel like this, constantly, maybe all the time.
and this is totally unrelated, and incoherent and irrelevant but,
how come i am 'unable', but if you look at me, i have an 'inability'?

english is such a peculiar language.
*scratches head

anyway, back to 'inability'.
i suppose it would explain the reason why my heart skips a beat when i get a phone call, even if its from a recognised number, [you' d be surprised at how unable to handle phone calls even if they come from my friends. i think to date, only 6 people's phone calls i can handle calmly], why i dont go out on single 'dates' with girls OR guys unless i ve known them for, say, 6 months, or, 6 YEARS standing [which was a rare case, we really hit it off ; shes so quirky and inquisitive! =)] and i prefer to sms, msn, whatever other forms of communication that do not require direct contact and give me time to react and phrase my thoughts and reply in a careful and more sensitive manner.

at this point of time, if you think i am blunt, and insensitive and random and act on impulse,
congratulations,
you are formally my friend.
no, really.
im serious about this.


anyway, so,
mr m. was talking to me about being antisocial.
or rather, I was talking to him about NOT being antisocial. [it always seems like im the one initiating conversations, rather?...frmph.]
and i was wondering,
and thinking
and i said, something like,

i splurge on stuff for people i like cause it makes me happy imagining how happy they become
most of the time i buy stuff that they like, so its definite that they ll be happy,
but sometimes i buy them stuff that i like, which makes them happy but makes me sad

which is kind of ironic,
if you think of it this way, like how wife said,
to her,
helping people makes her happy, so she helps people to get the happiness out of it
i suppose we can treat happiness as a commodity this way; altruisitic people are just people who get happiness, a good, out of helping others, and it happens to be some free good that appears out of nowhere.
or perhaps its the smile, or thank you, from the aunty you helped?
but sometimes there are no smiles, thank yous; not even glances or slight signs of recognition.

then so....?



on the way back, on the bus, while i was passing the highway,
i was thinking to myself,
i suppose if rene was right, and that our senses fail us, trick us, lie to us, and the world is not as it seems, or the world doesnt even exist rather, then i would prefer to believe in what i have. however imperfect, irregular, random it be; it is beautiful, it is pretty, it is wonderful to me. plato believes these are all but mere impressions or imitations of the true perfect, beautiful, whole existent world. we are but silly, primitive cavemen, fascinating ourselves with vague, blurry, intangible shadows cast against the wall, when the real, true, beauty lies outside.
if it be true,
then i believe
i would burst out, explode, cease to exist, because
if this were not enough
then, true beauty and existence would rip me apart whole, for how insignificant, uncomplete, and unbeautiful i am.

or perhaps what i see of myself is not my true being,
but rather,
i am too, perfect and whole, like the rest of my surroundings?


or maybe there is nothing at all, nothing but my mind to prove to me that my sheer capability to reason and to do logic and math is enough to substantiate my existence? and how could i convince myself of YOUR existence otherwise?
but i choose not to believe
that you laugh, smile, keep a stern face, trying to cover, try to pretend, feel tired, cry, get angry

these things are real enough, real enough for me.


enough about existence.
since i believe people, in general, are real,
then, what next?

i pity myself, i shame, i cry, i brood, i get upset
i wonder why other people matter to me so much;
their side glances; their looks of approval; their grunts of disdain; their evil sniggers; their smirks; their smiles
whether they are related to me or not, whether they mean anything to me or not

i wonder, i think, i still dont know why.
i suppose we are all social animals.
i dont think i could exist in this world without being a hindrance to someone else or not tolerating someone else's existence
these things go both ways;
sometimes i hurt people
but usually i know when,
and i regret.

but sometimes people hurt me,
and they dont know when, how, or even why.
i suppose its important for me to know why.
i suppose being human implies an intrinisc desire, need, want, to know why
why we exist, why we cry, why we love, why we do things, why we do things a certain way

i suppose it would seem tragic if i were to tell you
i love you for no reason.
well, maybe it sounds romantic, but suppose you really loved a person for no reason.
it would be tragic, wouldnt it?

somehow, we need reasons, be it reality or lies, to convince, coax, persuade ourselves.
ahh, its like that.
oh, thats why she walked away.



but sometimes the truth hurts.
but its always better that way, i think, for me
though i tell white lies, almost all the time. or i like to think of them of white lies, maybe.

it hurts to be played second fiddle, which is why i never do; i never do to others what i wish would never be done to me
but the world isnt all about karma, and i dont really believe what goes around comes around.
the good people all die early, dont they? *smile*


hall and i like, have a love-hate relationship.
im sitting in the middle of two pieces of brownie, and theres nothing to compel me to go towards either,
which would eventually me i sit in the middle, and starve to death?
pity life cant be the case. it would be amusing, wouldnt it?
i just dont really get along with the hall crowd here.
i keep telling myself, its them, not me, its here, not me
but, who knows?

i like to think i am an interesting, self-assured, attractive, intelligent and strong individual.
but these things are all so subjective.
and i keep getting all this shit, which people do unknowingly.
how do i tell them?
that you piss the hell out of me.
that sometimes you annoy me.
that sometimes i wish you [or me] didnt exist.
that sometimes i ....
these things, come up once a while, i think, i mull, i brood, then i swallow, i smile, i tolerate, i ignore
maybe im trying to hard to please them




some brownies are so good, when you look at them via the glass counter, insanity grips you,
and though you have only 5 bucks left in your wallet, you ignore the nagging thoughts and exuberant prices and buy it off straight away.
which leads to two possibilities.

you could have thought too much, too highly of the brownie, cause its not even half as good as you anticipated.
or it could be really smashing fantastic, just as good, if not, better than what you expected.

or sometimes you could just get a brownie craving,
buy an ordinary brownie on impulsive,
look at it sceptically, [while the sad brownie stares back innocently]
take a bite,
then explode with happiness out of the surprise and brilliance hidden inside.

maybe i think in a weird manner, but shopping for food is kind of like maintaining relationships.
or rather, choosing whether or not to consciously make effort to maintain relationships.
except maybe buying food is easier, cause usually the stuff i see, i the stuff i buy, the stuff i eat, i like.

good donuts are hard to find,
but good friends are even harder.

i dont suppose the amount i have is too little? ....
its all about quality, not the quantity right?....




though i'd crave to get a set of 12 donuts anytime...
sigh./

ok, i must be really stupid, cause i fell into the drain last weekend.

then i laughed it over and thought nothing of it. it bled, i koped a plaster from mr m, pasted it, then went for work.

AND I WENT FOR PRACTICE ON MONDAY LIKE NORMAL, CAN?
it felt kind of weird but i thought its just my lousy feet + long periods of not training + lousy stamina and then today,

ITS SWOLLEN. its like, !#$%^&*& can! i must be damn lag, or else my foot must be damn lag, can?!

my mom was shaking her head off looking at my foot and my sis was like, eh you know, the drain has lots of bacteria and germs and i was like

OH MY GOD

and immediately i imagined this doctor in a white robe with stern face, shaking his head apologetically 'im sorry wenlin, but im afraid we ll have to remove your foot because the infection has gotten so bad. i dont think you can do kendo ever again.'

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHH !!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*pulls hair*
ok, i need to calm down.
everything is under control.
i cant believe i missed training
=( sigh.

ok, so today was fairytale-adventure.
these are what we took, before the chao-bin-f***ed-up-manager came to ask us whether we asked the counter for permission to take photos.

i was like,
er?....*falls silent; grip on camera loosens*

these people need to loosen up man, seriously.

enough on this,
let the pictures speak for themselves.









er, your glass slipper....
















if you dont eat the apple, HEH HEH















LUH.


















shes destined to live in the umbrella but
we re destined to be togther

















thumbelina plus-sized.







boy, i was bored.

its 3 am and im getting high on songs

i think maybe i ve been listening to too much of MOS annuals and hed kandi albums
im kind of desensitized already...


but im getting freaking high blasting this through my speakers:
i like the way you like to touch
i like the way you stare so much
but most of all, yeah
i like the way you move/

getting high on the electric guitars and bass and drums.... the sound is killing me but im getting intoxicated....

Faster kill faster still pussycat

I cant stand to see you cry,
Honey you know where the world is at,
Get what you want with your lucky eyes

You turn me on,
You know your turning me, you know your turning me on,
You turn me on,
You know your turning me, you know your turning me on,

Better wake up little sleepy head,
Big old world will pass us by,
So many things we could do instead,
Get what you want with your lucky eyes,

Faster kill faster still pussycat,

Those hyenas are not your friends,
Honey you know where the world is at,
Come home with me when the party ends,

You turn me on,
You know your turning me, you know your turning me on,
You turn me on,
You know your turning me, you know your turning me on,
You turn me on,
You know your turning me, you know your turning me on,
You turn me on,
You know your turning me, you know your turning me on,

Pussycat,

Pussycat,

Heaven knows I tried to let you go,
I cant help myself you know I'm out of control,
Heaven knows I tried to let you go,
I cant help myself I think I'm losing control,

You turn me on,
You know your turning me, you know your turning me on,
You turn me on,
You know your turning me, you know your turning me on,
You turn me on,
You know your turning me, you know your turning me on,
You turn me on,
You know your turning me, you know your turning me on,


shit, there goes my sleep.

---------------------------
heaven knows i try to let you go
i cant help myself, i think im losing control,
you. turn. me. on.

i woke up in cold sweat. or rather i broke out in cold sweat while/when? i woke up.

im not sure, but i havent been sleeping badly for such a long time.its like, for the past week i was kind of emo, but i slept really well, maybe because i was feeling emotionally low and i was physically and mentally tired out; tired out by those internal struggles, those fronts i put on for others, those i put on in a foolish bid to protect myself, those small meaningless things...

im feeling really tired.i think i ll go back to sleep later ...

its funny but sometimes i hate my dreams

or rather, dreaming itself.it never fails to amaze me when people i hate all seem to know each other and appear in the same dream, or rather, vice versa, which can be worse, depending on the way you look at it...how id love to have some uninterrupted non-REM sleep.... sigh

anyway lately i ve gotten out of my emo shell, which is really good i think, cause i need to get a grip on myself, cause i dont think anyone else, anyway... not like anybody really knows or cares what its like... sigh

and so i went for kendo training yesterday.

i love kendo for a variety of reasons, but for the same reasons sometimes i hate kendo, or rather, the nature of the sport/martial art, and above all, myself.im really into it; i totally love the idea that hard work + work smart = results in kendo, and that anyone who is willing to put in effort will see results. maybe its because i am a pathetic sod with no potential in any sport or skill, except maybe drawing. even then, i swear it was a tad of good luck and potential paired with tons of practice and hard work and interest.

somehow all this reminded me of something guangyang told me yesterday after he keikoed with me;he told me,i notice that you dont try to get the centre with your kensen before you go in for the cut. it doesnt matter whether its for kihon or keiko, but whenever, you should always fight for the centre, and only go in for the cut when your kensen has the centre.and i kind of felt grateful and silly at the same time.not that its not possible; it was totally possible.its not as if these things i have not heard before; but it just never... some how all the gentle reminders never seem to go into my brain during training. im just this stupid brute-force kendo ka. i either dont think, or think too much and lose the chance.

sometimes i stand at the side when i watch guangyang and the other seniors do the demo for us, and i wonder, when will i ever be even half as good, fast, or accurate as them? all this seems so easy, but its so far away, its like

its like something out of reach*raises hand*i can see it, but its intangible; its not there when i open my palm and stretch my fingers to clasp it....i keep telling myself to be patient, to train hard and consistently,to be focused and to be alert,but sometimes i just feel like giving up.

kendo;its the same as everything else; if you want to improve, you have to train consistently

and it sounds stupid, butyou can look forward to training the whole week, but

when the day itself comesit can be oh-so-easy to decide to evade the whole thing;there are just endless reasons i can think of to not go for training

im too tired; i have too much work; i fell into the drain and injured my foot; etc and so on.

n reasons, where n---------> infinity

and the worst part isthis uncanny resemblance to my jc school yearsand my escapist habits start coming into play

it really takes a whole, whole lot of effort just to be present for training.the thought of the intensity of training, the physical difficulty, the mental stretch, and external strain, the fatigue lingering after.... sometimes its a huge turnoff. especially if i ve had a rough patch at home or at school. it just so easy to recoil into my comfort zone and decline....but at the same time,thats precisely the reason why i like it

and this may sound ridiculously trivial, but i HATE taking the shuttle bus to mpsh while carrying my bogu. its a hell lot of trouble getting ON the bus, and its a pain in the ass trying to GET OFF. *laughs* the worst thing is, i dont know if i should sit down, or continue standing.if i stand, my bogu basically blocks the whole pathway no matter how i adjust or align it, which makes me and inconsiderate bastard; if i sit, it means i have to sit at the window seat, and usually some new person comes to sit next to me and blocks off my exit. worst still, the person, or rather, a variety of people i ve sat next to before, seem to think i have the miraculous ability of squeezing myself, bogu in tow, through that small, small space they open up for me to leave and exit the seat. its at times like these that i wonder why people fail to see how inconsiderate they can be.

remind me, i need to buy a new bogu bag, cause the eugene-bogu-bag sucks.carrying the bag kills my shoulder [either one, depending] before training already.im totally serious. jiejing's bogu bag PLUS his gi hakama PLUS his 39 shinai is lighter than my bogu in bogu bag itself. its THAT bad. i wonder who came up with the sucky design. lol.

but these things, ah, you complain about them once in a while, then you pick up the bag,and continue using it.because its kendo, only because its kendo, im willing to continue.

mr godspeed told me something once; i dont think i ll ever forget it;

he said,

'its hard, thats why its fun'and i agreed.

maybe all kendo ka have a sadistic streak and like to whack people and get whacked in return;but i figure its not just all about that...if you re into kendo, you'd know exactly what i mean...its that thing that draws you to the sport/martial art in the first place...i dont think i ll ever leave...*smile*

at least not for .... at least not within the next 4 years...

somehow writing this post leaves me in a good mood.

i ll go back to sleep now.*wide smile*

these silly, mundane things. sigh.

My dad is a businessman; my mother a housewife.he comes home after work and watches television, his fat tummy bulging out as he slouched on the couch. since he help, my mother does all the housework. she cleans the house, washes our clothes, cooks dinner. sometimes she goes downstairs to have a chat with the other aunties or plays mahjong.my parents and i dont talk much, but we sit at the table together and watch tv while eating dinner. sometimes my dad cracks a joke and we laugh.i have a brother who doesnt do anything besides play computer games aside from going to school. he yells at my mother sometimes but generally hes usually rather well behaved. he doesnt say or do much but i know he cares for me.occasionally my mom asks me if i have enough pocket money; my dad asks me if im doing ok at school; my brother asks me if hes not good-looking.
and usually im just pretty much at ease with myself.



this, is what a normal family should be like.


sometimes, we lie, cheat, fantasize, imagine
the things we do to stay alive....

sunhatch- cant get better than this

i've seen the sun and the feeling is bliss
it cant get better than this
i've seen the sun and the feeling is bliss
it cant get better than this

lets get this groove on baby tonight
let me move with you we'll keep it tight
lets get this groove on baby tonight
dance with you if thats alright

lets get this groove on baby tonight
let me move with you we'll keep it tight
lets get this groove on baby tonight
dance with you if thats alright

i've seen the sun....
ive seen the sun....

lets get this groove on baby tonight
let me move with you we'll keep it tight
lets get this groove on baby tonight
dance with you if thats alright

----------------------------------------------------

nowadays, if my hands are flyin across the paper, my pencil dancing in strokes,my butt isnt resting on the seat,
[butt: =(
seat: i lurve you, butt!
butt: i want to groooooveeeeh!
seat: =(
butt: BYE, HEH]
then im enjoying the adrenaline rush to my muscles. SHIOK!



*wide grin*

---------------------------------------------------
fell into drain while walking to small boy's room yesterday.
a girl offered to help me up.
we didnt watch borat cause sex head couldnt find the disc.
i spent the whole night drawing.
i koped a plaster from mr.m this morning to plaster my big red patch.
i went to work.
i made sure kids didnt kill each other.
HE IS CUTE.
i got my pay



*smile*

i almost forgot what its like to erase, sketch, erase, sketch, draw, postulate x n.
i almost forgot what the euphoric feeling i get on a draw-er's high is like
i almost forgot how time flies when i focus on nothing else
i almost forgot how these things make me smile
i almost forgot the intensity of the focus
i almost forgot the fervour and intent
i almost forgot


how therapeutic drawing can be-

that it was the sole reason for my existence.
it is my passion; it burns; it drives me.
there is nothing else i need; nothing else completes me


im starting to get back on the right track.
its a bit late, but
its never too late to start loving life again,

right?

im listening to the wo ai tai mei song.

its quite nice.
*hums*


la dee dum.

well, i ve had my share of adrenaline today. *cheshire cat grin*
=3

i always knew i led/lead a different kind of life.
all 19 years of my life, i've known, i 've wished, i've dreamed of being normal, ordinary, the norm.
but deep down inside,


i always knew it would not be normal
not here.
anything but.





-------------------------------------------
when she kneeled down in front of him today,
i lost all appetite.

Fade Away
sung by Olivia Ong

I just wanna say hello to you
But you’re not lookin’ my way
Like you trying to act cool
I think I lost my mind
Back there and then
Oh how I let my feelings go

You see, I know it’s just a crush
And a crush won’t ever last long
No one’s forcing it, boy
So you I’ll put aside
Thought friends we would be
Oh, boy…

*Sadly you took my smile away
Every time you look my way
It fades away
I think it’s best it stays this way
Every time you look my way
Yeah, it fades away

You just wanna say hello to me
Now the table’s turned
I’m not lookin’ your way

Don’t get it wrong
Oh, it’s twisted up
Alright let’s make this story short

You see, I know it’s just a crush
And a crush won’t ever last long
No one’s forcing it, boy
So you I’ll put aside
Thought friends we would be
Oh, boy…

Repeat *

Whao…
Why did it have to go down this way?
I’ll admit I feel you when you are near
Maybe baby we got it all wrong

Repeat * x2

-------------------------------

my new 'it' song.
i can't seem to stop singing.

for tonight, for hall dinner, the free fruit is a banana?!
*gingerly picks up fruit*

im still contemplating whether to eat it....
there are some unfond memories associated with this fruit....

i remember eating a banana and looking down at it and seeing a maggot inside.
i immediately threw it away and puked the remains out of my gut...

-----------------------------

rach talked to me about some matters, and i suddenly realised what she was talking about, was exactly the approach i had taken towards ben...
come to think of it, i dont think i ve talked to him for sometime...
when was it then? that whenever we talked, we 'd only end up arguing, and he'd leave me with the sentiment that he's a bastard, which we both agreed to....
but we talked the other day and it was actually kind of good. reasonably peaceful.

its kind of different with mr godspeed. but apparently i give him the impression that i always kb him. thats sad, right? maybe i seemed to be always picking at him, but welll its not like... i dont ever kb people unless i really dislike them... he's always smiling, even if hes being teased at, si i supposed i didnt think to much of it, because i didnt think too much about what he said... but since things are that way, well, thats too bad....

i will be more careful with what i say, since trouble spews from the mouth... im always making these mistakes...

-------------------------------------------

i was talking to jiejing about needing the 19 500 in say, 5-6 years, and wanting to save money and scrimp now... then he was telling me, how its more worth it to all-in now, and go for trips overseas, exchange programmes, buy stuff, eat food you like, etc now... and to scrimp when you work later....
maybe he's right. but i like the feeling of being able to fend for myself.
not having to be sad and poor and borrow...

hes always so knowledgeable and mature and clever... sometimes i feel seriously like a kid....
like how he patted my head and called me kid last time....
it really hurt...

but never mind, i dont mind being treated like a kid as long as i can get subway cookies...*smile*

it feels wonderful to be generous and to be able to buy nice [even if lavish] presents for people when you have that earning ability. all i need is to imagine the smile on that person's face; that's sufficient reason for me to buy it straight away... im dying to have that spending power but something tells me i should manage my grades and think about money later...

im so highly tempted to sign up for so many things now, but .... i think the money will come into greater use in the future, i suppose....

-----------------------------------------------------

im missing wife. missing the times i could run over to her house, talk to her, even if it was for just a little while, then run back... missing the secondary school days of being together, doing random things; no matter how i look at things, they seem to be kira-kira ; sparkling and sunny and bright and beautiful, and i long to regress, but i know it is to no avail...

imissher.

thank goodness i ll be seeing her tomorrow! hot babe and kon san in tow...
it ll be a welcome relief from all this studying, project, tests.... and other matters.
at least we can talk, eat... you never go wrong with these two things, unless you re with the wrong people... or maybe im the wrong person.... sigh
-------------------------------------------------

somehow lately there have been so many unsettled issues clogging up my brain space... need time-out to sort them out and focus on whats truly important...

amidst all these peers, some of whom are more mature than me, i suddenly realise that i am too young, too immature, too naive. maybe for me, im not there yet cause i dont want or dont need to be... i wont be really working until say, a good 2 [hopefully 3] years later, so i dont really see the need to act/dress like a working adult... for me, im still studying, and i want to enjoy that feeling.

whether its being kiddy or stupid... even if im underestimated sometimes [thats the only part i dislike] im liking the feeling... but im constantly feeling the pressure to grow up....

----------------------------------------

i miss judy.
i miss the her clever eyes, her accepting smile...
i miss sitting next to her, be it quietly colouring or sketching with a stick of charcoal, or confiding to her about troubling matters...
i miss the blunt crayons and her beautiful drawings...
i miss the random chattering with the patients,
i miss the sunshine spraying through the window of the therapy room...
somehow, judy will always have a special place in my heart. she was the first person to see through me, right into me, and that left me bare, vulnerable with no way to hide...

i wonder if i will be able to do that, to follow in her footsteps, to be able to look straight into people's problems, yet be a form of comfort and solace when they feel need...

whatever it was, those few hours everyday was the best time during my post-a level days...
[even if i had to do shit work and not get paid. heh.]
it was fantastic to have met her, and she inspired me, encouraged me and helped me...
she was the one who taught me that art has therapeutic effects.

----------------------------------------------

a reflection of material desires summounts to spiritual or inner incompleteness...
im constantly plagued by the feeling of wanting to buy a big bag to carry around again
i just feel so insecure, so unconfident, so stupid, so young, so ugly, so naive, so unprotected.

ck said my posts sound pessimistic.
its just a reflection of my inner thoughts....

im starting to feel the pain from smiling when i feel like crying again
its a bad feeling i know, but what can i do....

its that feeling again.
the feeling of wanting to throw away everything and just be alone, away
the feeling of inadequacy,
its so bad, its almost like those times when i used to skip classes during jc to walk around, read books, take buses...

------------------------------------
and here i am, sitting at the table infront of my laptop.


i need to find a new 'it' song.

疲れた。眠い。。。最近学校でたくさん試験があります。とてもたいへんです。。。
----------------------
before i get embarassed by my 3rd-grade japanese and die of mortification in a sad corner of my room, i must kb about myself.
everything, i believe, must be tried at least once.this included making goes at asking people go, trying new foods, doing new things.and what new stuff did i attempt this week?
first i went out in the wee hours of the daybreak to take night shots.im serious; i walked out, walked around for 1-2 hrs, took shots, looked around, walked back.then yesterday i camped overnight at macdonalds in an attempt to source for a viable location to study, considering rach always sleeps early, and the lounge is always taken...it was quite fruitful, i must say. but it would have been more eventful if the library was open after 9pm till morning so i could study in one shot instead of having to be mobile...

small boy asked if i was crazy when i told him what i was doing.maybe bah, but im definitely not emo heh. LUH. its just that sometimes i do exactly what i feel like doing without caring for the possible consequences or likely outcomes...
anyway i suppose it was rather useful.but weird people started appearing in the mac in the wee hours of the morning,so once it hit 5 30 am i bought breakfast and xiamed to the bus stop to take the first bus back...
then i had to complete the annoying field trip report...

come to think of it,the only two things that left a lasting impression were the butter maple syrup waffle and the mc donalds breakfast bagel that i ate... maybe because it was raining, and because i was alone...the maple syrup felt warm, sweet, a tad salty [with butter] but the taste was wonderful...and the bagel, which i ate while waiting for the first bus in the morning, was so assuring...

and when i found a muffin at my door today! mr m. ta paued for me! =)its the wonderful feeling of being remembered, and the exciting feeling of receiving something unexpected...that reminds me of the =3 smile i have secretly when jiejing gives me the subway cookie when we buy the set meal cause he doesnt like cookies.. =P blah, im so lucky! and small burst of joy i get when gf passes me small bits of stuff to eat when we meet during lecture...
looking back,i remember how irritating a kid i was; i loved mac breakfast and would pester my dad to bring me to eat it. funny how i found big breakfast expensive, even as a kid... the concept of money was ingrained in my mind so early.... perhaps it all started with the first day of primary school....

my mother had given me my first one dollar and given me a newfound freedom/autonomy to buy whatever i wanted from the school canteen... when i came back with packets of food, a wide smile on my chubby face, my mother smiled warmly for me and reminded me to return her the change.

i batted my not-so-long eyelashes, stared blankly for a while, then replied'what change?'
my mother just laughed.
ah, those were the days...
funny how food has therapeutic effects for me... its like a friend when you're in need, a companion when you're alone, some encouragement when you re down, a hug when you're tearing, some reward when you're ve done good...

looks like i ll never lose weight, at the rate this goes. eh? *smile**pulls layer of fat reserves at various places*
sigh.