for tonight, for hall dinner, the free fruit is a banana?!
*gingerly picks up fruit*

im still contemplating whether to eat it....
there are some unfond memories associated with this fruit....

i remember eating a banana and looking down at it and seeing a maggot inside.
i immediately threw it away and puked the remains out of my gut...

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rach talked to me about some matters, and i suddenly realised what she was talking about, was exactly the approach i had taken towards ben...
come to think of it, i dont think i ve talked to him for sometime...
when was it then? that whenever we talked, we 'd only end up arguing, and he'd leave me with the sentiment that he's a bastard, which we both agreed to....
but we talked the other day and it was actually kind of good. reasonably peaceful.

its kind of different with mr godspeed. but apparently i give him the impression that i always kb him. thats sad, right? maybe i seemed to be always picking at him, but welll its not like... i dont ever kb people unless i really dislike them... he's always smiling, even if hes being teased at, si i supposed i didnt think to much of it, because i didnt think too much about what he said... but since things are that way, well, thats too bad....

i will be more careful with what i say, since trouble spews from the mouth... im always making these mistakes...

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i was talking to jiejing about needing the 19 500 in say, 5-6 years, and wanting to save money and scrimp now... then he was telling me, how its more worth it to all-in now, and go for trips overseas, exchange programmes, buy stuff, eat food you like, etc now... and to scrimp when you work later....
maybe he's right. but i like the feeling of being able to fend for myself.
not having to be sad and poor and borrow...

hes always so knowledgeable and mature and clever... sometimes i feel seriously like a kid....
like how he patted my head and called me kid last time....
it really hurt...

but never mind, i dont mind being treated like a kid as long as i can get subway cookies...*smile*

it feels wonderful to be generous and to be able to buy nice [even if lavish] presents for people when you have that earning ability. all i need is to imagine the smile on that person's face; that's sufficient reason for me to buy it straight away... im dying to have that spending power but something tells me i should manage my grades and think about money later...

im so highly tempted to sign up for so many things now, but .... i think the money will come into greater use in the future, i suppose....

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im missing wife. missing the times i could run over to her house, talk to her, even if it was for just a little while, then run back... missing the secondary school days of being together, doing random things; no matter how i look at things, they seem to be kira-kira ; sparkling and sunny and bright and beautiful, and i long to regress, but i know it is to no avail...

imissher.

thank goodness i ll be seeing her tomorrow! hot babe and kon san in tow...
it ll be a welcome relief from all this studying, project, tests.... and other matters.
at least we can talk, eat... you never go wrong with these two things, unless you re with the wrong people... or maybe im the wrong person.... sigh
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somehow lately there have been so many unsettled issues clogging up my brain space... need time-out to sort them out and focus on whats truly important...

amidst all these peers, some of whom are more mature than me, i suddenly realise that i am too young, too immature, too naive. maybe for me, im not there yet cause i dont want or dont need to be... i wont be really working until say, a good 2 [hopefully 3] years later, so i dont really see the need to act/dress like a working adult... for me, im still studying, and i want to enjoy that feeling.

whether its being kiddy or stupid... even if im underestimated sometimes [thats the only part i dislike] im liking the feeling... but im constantly feeling the pressure to grow up....

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i miss judy.
i miss the her clever eyes, her accepting smile...
i miss sitting next to her, be it quietly colouring or sketching with a stick of charcoal, or confiding to her about troubling matters...
i miss the blunt crayons and her beautiful drawings...
i miss the random chattering with the patients,
i miss the sunshine spraying through the window of the therapy room...
somehow, judy will always have a special place in my heart. she was the first person to see through me, right into me, and that left me bare, vulnerable with no way to hide...

i wonder if i will be able to do that, to follow in her footsteps, to be able to look straight into people's problems, yet be a form of comfort and solace when they feel need...

whatever it was, those few hours everyday was the best time during my post-a level days...
[even if i had to do shit work and not get paid. heh.]
it was fantastic to have met her, and she inspired me, encouraged me and helped me...
she was the one who taught me that art has therapeutic effects.

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a reflection of material desires summounts to spiritual or inner incompleteness...
im constantly plagued by the feeling of wanting to buy a big bag to carry around again
i just feel so insecure, so unconfident, so stupid, so young, so ugly, so naive, so unprotected.

ck said my posts sound pessimistic.
its just a reflection of my inner thoughts....

im starting to feel the pain from smiling when i feel like crying again
its a bad feeling i know, but what can i do....

its that feeling again.
the feeling of wanting to throw away everything and just be alone, away
the feeling of inadequacy,
its so bad, its almost like those times when i used to skip classes during jc to walk around, read books, take buses...

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and here i am, sitting at the table infront of my laptop.


i need to find a new 'it' song.