i was talking to small boy today, and this is what we said:

small boy: go redang with us lah, its just 3 days!
wl: i think i ll give it a pass. i just sold my soul to eusoff.

small boy: is it worth it?
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and i thought to myself.
is it worth it?


going through all this.

sometimes i question, i wonder, i ponder, i brood, i mull
but the answers just never come, and i just continue things the way i deem fit.
be it really fitting or not.
worth it or not.

i mean, whats really worth it?



i had my 5 secs of fame today as i stood on stage and collected my merit silver from some resident fellow, as a representative of eusoff works.
i mean, i like photography, and video editing isnt too bad, and i like the ew guys, jj, our video god, joshua, huang bin and huan jin; our whole gang,
but its something i didnt expect.

if anything, i expected to get some form of assurance for sets.
for all the bruises, sweat, sawdust i breathed in.

i mean, these are all commitments, kendo included, but
i mean,
im commited, but i only have 24 hrs a day
and its unescapable that i have to prioritise

to me, of course studies come first [at least they re supposed to be, LAH]
followed by kendo [funny how this has become an obsession, a kind of weird sadistic fetish]
then sets and eusoff works.

im glad for those who went up and collected their recognition for sets, and i agree they deserve it, but somehow i cant ignore the fact that some part of me is sad that i wasnt up there for the same reason.


but what is it,
just a piece of flimsy paper.

and to top it up, i claimed 2 flimsy pieces of paper today.
the EW merit silver, and my jlpt 4 pass cert.
i suppose im supposed to feel wholesome now, but
somehow all this makes me feel like im disgusted with how 'paper-chasing' i have become.

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ok, enough reflection for today.
now for something superficial and totally fluffy and insignificant, random, mundane, unimportant

im contemplating snipping off my fringe.
i didnt realise it, but its so long it can cover the whole of my pau-like face.
fantastic.

i mean, i kind of like the way i look now, but its not really me.
im getting sickened by the face i see when i wake up and walk to the toilet sink.
its this child-like face, with really old old eyes.
sometimes theres this vulnerability that i cant quite place my finger on,
but then it flickers, and the next moment i look, its gone without a trace.

then sometimes theres this fierce determination [particularly after kendo practice, heh, i wonder why] coupled with some sad distant look...

on some better days,
theres this nice smile, kind of sparkly and shiny, and its so silly i cant help but laugh...



somehow this is all me, but its not
i mean it probably is, but it doesnt feel like.
sigh/.
--------------------------------
its at this time of the year i look around,
and appreciate what i have,
and who i ve come to know.

im glad, i came to eusoff hall,
attended orientation, made a few friends. [though many of them i dont talk to now]
im glad i joined eusoff works, and kendo.
im glad i got to know jiejing, because the first time we met during orientation, i didnt really like him, but once we talked we hit it off so well i dont think i could have stopped talking if i liked.
im glad for all the subway cookies he has thoughtfully donated to me;
im glad for all the times we went to kendo together
i wouldnt believe it myself, but having a friend like that, in kendo, is definitely a big motivation to go for practice.
im glad i joined kendo, saw shermaine, saw estee, saw mr godspeed.
im glad i met sabah boy, james san, pa-li san, jia wei, hanni bunny
im glad i talked to sabah boy online, because before that i didnt really believe friendships could be built/sustained/lasted on msn conversations.
for all the practices, the hayasuburis, the kirikaeshis we ve been through together,
cheers guys.
im glad i joined jss with qiuping, im glad i had boss as my boss, however mcp and tyrannical he may have seemed and still seems... im glad i got to know joan, and silly siew koon, and akai-megane san... however sadly i screwed up as a secretary for the second half of my duty...
im glad i joined sets, that i got to know hippo sex head hadrian, our funny acutely neurotic vice head shaun, then theres weiqi, hao yuin, huiro,
im glad sets gave me a chance to know wayne, small boy and mr m. better,
glad sets gave me a chance to know firus,
glad for the drinking sessions with mr m. and small boy,
glad for the brownie from mr. m,
im glad i took ph1101e this sem after shermaine persuaded me,
glad i took js1101e only to find that ck, jenna and mr godspeed are taking it too.
glad i got to know ck and mr godspeed better over discussing js stuff
glad for the random online conversations with mr godspeed, for his encouragement, and even sometimes his funny remarks

glad for ash, taking pl1101e with me
for sitting next to me during unbearable lectures, keeping me awake
glad to be in the same school as wife and weiling
glad just to chance on them once in a while on campus; no words can express the happiness and surprise from the unexpected chance encounters


there are n things to be happy about
where n----------------> infinity
and i know i should be.

but sometimes i just need to be reminded of them

anyway, unrelated but
the thought of a full-grown man and a kitten totally tickles me.
if you know what i mean? *chuckle*

=)