somehow kendo always has the ability to do fantastic things to ordinary people, me included.
i still remember the first time i saw my seniors without their gi, hakama and bogu.
i thought,
how ordinary they look.

i ll use mr godspeed as an example, since i consider him a friend and he probably shouldnt mind being mentioned in this way, SHOULD HE. haha. *stifles a laugh* it amuses me to make him angry sometimes, but i know i should be so evil. *smiles sweetly* i swear if we quarrel, its unintentional, but well, these things cant be helped. and so...

*erhem.
and so, i thought to myself
this guy looks pretty normal eh. and hes so smiley, he seems quite friendly. dont know what hes like on the shi-ai jo eh. and i was speculating.
then the time came for sparring

and oh-my-god.
i was like
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can
hahahaha. everytime i think back, i find it immensely amusing.

same for not-so-lousy senpai [she is no where near lousy can LOL].
at first all the juniors didnt like her, cause some people thought shes fierce, which is true to some extent i believe, but theres always a reasonable reason for it. frmph. *smile*
and when i watched her during keiko
i was really, really impressed.

the same goes for all the other seniors.
when the put on their bogu, their men, and fought in the dojo
the older seniors more so, i cannot imagine how they can come for training after work...
their commitment and passion....
words fail me.
i couldnt stop staring.

how small i felt, feeable, holding my club shinai, in my new gi and hakama, waiting to become a blue smurf.


that made all the difference.
the sacrifice, the blood, the sweat, the limits pushed, everything...
it was a tremendous feeling; i was overwhelming, more impressed than anything....

and i thought to myself [like i always do, sigh]



i want to be strong.
but i really meant it this time. on my own.

im kind of glad i went for training today, since i wont be able to make it for training on thursday [its a promise i made to mr m. ; we all make compromises, if he does, if im 'friend' enough, i'd show sincerity by making mine.... however silly and childish that sounds. thats one thing my friends always say they find assuring, that i'm always 'friend' enough.'
its a desirable trait i suppose.

i know training in the dojo is important, but thursday i decided is a no no. the promise is part of the motivation, but grades and assignments come before anything else.

my status as a student comes before everything else,
and i have impending essays and project deadlines.
i think what my dad said about my life is quite true. that i need to focus on my main purpose at nus, njc, wherever.
as important as ccas are, they re not your life.
*nod*


training was tough.
maybe its just my lousy stamina.
or perhaps zhenqiang pointed out rather aptly that my bogu set is apparently a lot heavier than his and weijun's, and that walking from eusoff hall to japanese school can kill shoulders.
its an excuse, but its a valid excuse.
as a responsible kendo ka, i should promptly save up for a new bag, because eugene's stupid roller bag is killing me even BEFORE practice starts lol. amusing.

but hey, i lasted through training ok? however much at one point of time i felt like wipping out my men and crying and admiting im a lousy shit kendo ka
i made it, however lousy.

and its a fantastic wake up call.
now i know where i stand.
and how much further i have to push to reach my goal.
its so far away....*reaches hand* its like i can see it, but its not something tangible that i can touch....


NOT GIVING UP!
NO NO NO NO NO
YOU CAN LOOK AT ME AND THINK,
WAH, YOU RE LOUSY LIKE SHIT
DOESNT MATTER!
I CAN TRAIN AND IMPROVE
BLEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HEH
BLEAH =________=

OK, i think i was mad.
*smirk*
i will die if i have to, humilate myself, shame myself
WHATEVER LA
the harder it is
the more shitty things are [myself included]

the more its so....
i cant put it off my mind.

one thing mr godspeed said, i dont think i ll ever forget [its one of those lines that echo through your brain when you re about to die and your life flashes before your eyes ; i wonder if i ll be hugging my shinai when i die hahahaha ]

he said,
its hard, thats why its fun
and i agreed.




its a bit sad during practice to be lousy of course.

and the only kind of assurance is that i can ki-ai loudly.
er, thanks?
=( the loud voice kind of came naturally la, but i suppose choral training for 6 years helped.
i need to work myself to prove a quality BESIDES ki-ai.
i mean i know its key to attack, intimidating your opponent, blah blah

BUT
if you cut like shit, and expose all your weak points?
whats the point of barking louder than your bite?

no words can express how useless i feel sometimes....




i need to run, to feel the wind in my hair, to talk to wife, to smile, and forget things for a while.


its like sometimes i wonder why i put myself through all this psychologically, mentally, physically torturing things. its not like i HAVE to do it, i simply asked for all of it
and sometimes i wonder to myself
why the HELL am i going through all this?

its like running from one kind of torture into another type, thinking that it will be an escape and that you can find solace.
its ironic, but somehow
it works eh.

its funny how these things are
sawing wood made me forget my troubles, the stress at home, the impending assignments, the expectations from others and myself for my first competition
then kendo practice made me forget the dp sets deadline, how we needed to rush stuff over weekends to get it done on times, my projects, my relationships with hall people that just end up sadly one way or another
staying in hall makes me forget the stuff i dont want to take at home
then going home takes the stress of having to deal with these people in hall

IRONIC, ISNT IT
i think im mad.
mr m. agreed.

wenlin is mad wenlin is mad wenlin is madddddddddddd

this is really random, but
i need to cut my fringe.
the heat is killing me.




*fans self*

i need to go home again.
get my usual fix of my adorable loving annoying kid sister.
=) i love her really, but i wont tell her, shhhh. =)

today mr godspeed and i were talking about kendo, feeling lousy, pretty girls, dressing up, differences people have online and off, and some other random things.[such as OUR JS PROJECT WHICH HAS AN IMPENDING DEADLINE which my part i should be drafting now but hey im halfway through ok!]

its slightly worrying, but
i cant seem to stop the urge to cough.
or is it the coughing that i cant seem to stop?...
i hate this feeling....


i know its scary but
i love the way i sometimes hold mental conversations with myself.
it kills the loneliness at night.


sigh.