i woke up in cold sweat. or rather i broke out in cold sweat while/when? i woke up.

im not sure, but i havent been sleeping badly for such a long time.its like, for the past week i was kind of emo, but i slept really well, maybe because i was feeling emotionally low and i was physically and mentally tired out; tired out by those internal struggles, those fronts i put on for others, those i put on in a foolish bid to protect myself, those small meaningless things...

im feeling really tired.i think i ll go back to sleep later ...

its funny but sometimes i hate my dreams

or rather, dreaming itself.it never fails to amaze me when people i hate all seem to know each other and appear in the same dream, or rather, vice versa, which can be worse, depending on the way you look at it...how id love to have some uninterrupted non-REM sleep.... sigh

anyway lately i ve gotten out of my emo shell, which is really good i think, cause i need to get a grip on myself, cause i dont think anyone else, anyway... not like anybody really knows or cares what its like... sigh

and so i went for kendo training yesterday.

i love kendo for a variety of reasons, but for the same reasons sometimes i hate kendo, or rather, the nature of the sport/martial art, and above all, myself.im really into it; i totally love the idea that hard work + work smart = results in kendo, and that anyone who is willing to put in effort will see results. maybe its because i am a pathetic sod with no potential in any sport or skill, except maybe drawing. even then, i swear it was a tad of good luck and potential paired with tons of practice and hard work and interest.

somehow all this reminded me of something guangyang told me yesterday after he keikoed with me;he told me,i notice that you dont try to get the centre with your kensen before you go in for the cut. it doesnt matter whether its for kihon or keiko, but whenever, you should always fight for the centre, and only go in for the cut when your kensen has the centre.and i kind of felt grateful and silly at the same time.not that its not possible; it was totally possible.its not as if these things i have not heard before; but it just never... some how all the gentle reminders never seem to go into my brain during training. im just this stupid brute-force kendo ka. i either dont think, or think too much and lose the chance.

sometimes i stand at the side when i watch guangyang and the other seniors do the demo for us, and i wonder, when will i ever be even half as good, fast, or accurate as them? all this seems so easy, but its so far away, its like

its like something out of reach*raises hand*i can see it, but its intangible; its not there when i open my palm and stretch my fingers to clasp it....i keep telling myself to be patient, to train hard and consistently,to be focused and to be alert,but sometimes i just feel like giving up.

kendo;its the same as everything else; if you want to improve, you have to train consistently

and it sounds stupid, butyou can look forward to training the whole week, but

when the day itself comesit can be oh-so-easy to decide to evade the whole thing;there are just endless reasons i can think of to not go for training

im too tired; i have too much work; i fell into the drain and injured my foot; etc and so on.

n reasons, where n---------> infinity

and the worst part isthis uncanny resemblance to my jc school yearsand my escapist habits start coming into play

it really takes a whole, whole lot of effort just to be present for training.the thought of the intensity of training, the physical difficulty, the mental stretch, and external strain, the fatigue lingering after.... sometimes its a huge turnoff. especially if i ve had a rough patch at home or at school. it just so easy to recoil into my comfort zone and decline....but at the same time,thats precisely the reason why i like it

and this may sound ridiculously trivial, but i HATE taking the shuttle bus to mpsh while carrying my bogu. its a hell lot of trouble getting ON the bus, and its a pain in the ass trying to GET OFF. *laughs* the worst thing is, i dont know if i should sit down, or continue standing.if i stand, my bogu basically blocks the whole pathway no matter how i adjust or align it, which makes me and inconsiderate bastard; if i sit, it means i have to sit at the window seat, and usually some new person comes to sit next to me and blocks off my exit. worst still, the person, or rather, a variety of people i ve sat next to before, seem to think i have the miraculous ability of squeezing myself, bogu in tow, through that small, small space they open up for me to leave and exit the seat. its at times like these that i wonder why people fail to see how inconsiderate they can be.

remind me, i need to buy a new bogu bag, cause the eugene-bogu-bag sucks.carrying the bag kills my shoulder [either one, depending] before training already.im totally serious. jiejing's bogu bag PLUS his gi hakama PLUS his 39 shinai is lighter than my bogu in bogu bag itself. its THAT bad. i wonder who came up with the sucky design. lol.

but these things, ah, you complain about them once in a while, then you pick up the bag,and continue using it.because its kendo, only because its kendo, im willing to continue.

mr godspeed told me something once; i dont think i ll ever forget it;

he said,

'its hard, thats why its fun'and i agreed.

maybe all kendo ka have a sadistic streak and like to whack people and get whacked in return;but i figure its not just all about that...if you re into kendo, you'd know exactly what i mean...its that thing that draws you to the sport/martial art in the first place...i dont think i ll ever leave...*smile*

at least not for .... at least not within the next 4 years...

somehow writing this post leaves me in a good mood.

i ll go back to sleep now.*wide smile*

these silly, mundane things. sigh.