long day...

let pictures speak for themselves because
'a picture tells a 1000 words.'
a lot right?
ha-ha not funny.

it's a pathetic camera phone, but bear with the quality yah.
can't find the time to charge the 4 batts for my proper canon powershot...

so here i go....

so a whole day sauntering around waiting and then suddenly frantically realising that we're supposed to buy a dozen things because other people who were supposed to buy them didn't.
irresponsible but i shall not elaborate. so we bought EVERYTHING except for the goodness damn B-A-S-K-E-T and who would have thought a B-A-S-K-E-T would be so

'basket!'

hard to find.
from bugis to little india, from mustafa to the greenline, from bugis to arab street.
just as we were about to collapse from frustration [and hunger too i suspect]

TA-DA!!!

i find my first source of amusement for the day:
















who knew you were into sequins, eh? haha.
*smiles widely*

so i had to stop and take a photo.
then we walked down and around the corner at the left

YES FINALLY THE B-A-S-K-E-T shop.
with all the B-A-S-K-E-T-S of different shapes and sizes, colours and designs
i bet you didnt know they made so many kinds. and for what use goodness i dont know.
the uncle was this really skinny and stern and annoyed-looking-but-the-annoyance-is-really-just-a-facade-i-dont-know-for-what-because-he-kept-making-very-funny-statements-while-keeping-a-straight-face-and-i-had-to-look-serious-and-stifle-my-laughter; indian man with an incredible belly.

so we bought the baskets and i followed the lot to chingay at kallang.

some eyecandy for your viewing pleasure:

best nose:




















best shoe:



















and putra's baby,

the candycanes. [toys not sold separately]



















more stuff after that, but just chingay practice, sharon yelling at us to listen, to do the dance steps properly etc, yadayada, run through of the 2 min and 4 min dance etc, blah blah and then briefing by gui ming WAYNE when the chingay people came back, unloading of the stuff they brought back from kallang

and now liewmeichee is going to drive us to eat supper!
wohoo!

i know i said 积极减肥努力向上= new year resolution but i have been eating rather little these few days and i almost feel like i forgot how to spell 'SUPPER' already. not SUPER right? haha.
so i ll go.
PLUS GOT FREE RIDE. haha. *wide smile*


goody.

alright, another friday, another saturday,
2 full nights/evenings of running along the road wearing suspenders [yuck] and throwing sweets excitedly at the audience [okay wayne said cannot throw but i will do so at my discretion]

looking forward to sunday.

i think i was kind of disappointed because there was this mass of fred perry sale frenzy and all kinds of spree organizers were organising sprees on FP and i actually clicked the site but i dumb dumb didnt realise the discounted prices would appear only AFTER you chose the item colour and design and by the time realisation dawned upon me all possibly affordable sale items went OOS.

i read up about fred perry online, got to know more about the brand, and the person behind it, and why the hell it's so coveted and so goddamn expensive [to me, yes, i only ever buy things on sale] and it's kind of quite interesting to me.

this is good cause i save money right? cause i didnt need the FP stuff, really.
and, the words of my sister,
'there'll be another one, lah.'

yeah, sure.

but there's always something heart-wrenching about the dress on sale that you loved at first sight, but didn't buy because you didn't know who'd you'd go out with while wearing it; the pair of shoes you didn't buy cause your feet ugly-fied them; the bargain you didn't buy because you reasoned with yourself and convinced yourself that it wasn't that much of a bargain anyway; the guy you really think you liked but couldn't bring yourself to do anything but wait for something to happen, which didn't; the module you really wanted but couldn't bring yourself to spend an insanely-unreasonable amount of bid points to bid for because you know you're a sucker at CORS; the petty quarrel you had with your father because you were pissed at his stubborn personality, even though you knew it was difficult for him but he was changing; the conversation that pissed you off and became the reason you didn't send your possibly really good friend off at the airport, even though you know you wouldn't be able to see him for a good one year; the hello you really wanted to say, the smile you really wanted to give, but chickened out because you weren't sure if the person would reciprocate;


it doesn't feel like what new year should feel like.
i don't think i should be, but i am.
thinking about all the things i didn't do, all the people i shouldn't have raised my voice at, got angry at, got sad over, pissed off,


and.....

oh well.
------------------------------------------------------



but it get's better everytime i listen to it.

i wonder why.

maybe i'm getting old.
and tired.

the best part about not being alone is you don't have to buy food because he'll do it for you. and it's not that you're lazy or anything but sometimes the scrutiny of standing at the counter rehearsing what you want to buy makes you feel insecure and you tug at your skirt wondering if anything is out of place.

the best part about not being alone is you dont' have to take long bus rides alone. sometimes solitary bus rides are really fantastic but sometimes it would just be nice if someone sent you home, and also it feels nice to rest your head on something else other than the bus window.

the best part about not being alone is that you can watch movies together and share popcorn because usually if you cant find anyone to watch with you'd just probably watch it online or give it a pass, which is sometimes really a pity.

the best part about not being alone is that you have something else to occupy your thoughts during the empty spaces in the random parts of your life, and also



the best part about not being alone is,

single is best but everyone wants to fall in love.

i don't know why,

but suddenly i thought of you,






and i wished that you wouldn't be spending CNY alone this year.

you must really help me okay?
like when you see me, like dissuade me or something.
i'm really serious about it this time; 100% resolution man!

new year resolution: 努力向上积极减肥

oh come on,
i didn't like pineapple tarts that much anyway!
and after how nixon explained to me the evils of PTs,
i think i totally lost my appetite.

pros: i'll look nicer, i'll be lighter when bingjie flips me over, and he won't have such a hard time, and i'll feel more confident too! wow.
cons: er, less nice food.

oh well,
give and take.
---------------------------------------------------
today during training it reminded me of the time i had my period and i didn't really realise the impact of it but i went to donate blood at that time and i really felt faint for a while and kind of couldn't walk straight and slightly regretted it afterwards.



but the best part of training came after.
when sensei talked to us seniors individually and corrected us and i think i kind of got it what he's trying to say....

sensei is so kind sometimes when he's talking i feel like im squirming out of pride inside.
i've never thought about it, not ever since i first joined, but i might continue kendo after i graduate. i hope i can come back and contribute, and help the juniors in future, when i become strong. but it's too early to say.... i guess i ll be busy with employment seeking, but....

i'm thinking about it.

it's true,
if we dont make a change and help NUSKC,
who will do it?

we will remain a 2 year dojo forever.

and i guess i'm nobody; i'm not fantastic, im not a strong fighter,
but i guess there IS something i can bring back....
--------------------------------------------------------
today during dance mel told me that i have nice eyes, very sincerely.
this is reminiscent of the time a choir junior, who is very VERY VERY pretty, came up to me and told me that, 'you're so pretty, your hair is so nice'


it's like the peacock telling the penguin that it's awesome.
i mean i gues you could say that penguins are awesome too,
but penguins are fat and stocky and dumpy man!
i mean they're kind of cute, [i guess thats the saving grace. im not saying im cute, im just saying i have my saving grace. i can er, be a good friend. and er, i am....
actually....
im good at....
er,
good at...
good at...

something la, something!]

but hello!
but you get my point man? penguins are, er, okay, but peacocks are totally awesome!

i think i could not hide my excitement/squirming inside as i stared into her eyes,
BECAUSE SHE IS SO PRETTY MAN, and HOT PLUS SHE'S HUMBLE.
and she is like how friendly and always try to include me
and help me not feel left out though im close to no one

T__________________T
why do such nice people exist in the world!!!!!!!
it totally explains why she's so well-liked!
oh, let me squirm in gratefulness inside!

i should be glad that girls give me compliments right?
okay i shall be grateful for the rest of the day.
oh,
and like a rice sack, i was flipped over by my already very tired but still very friendly and kind partner bingxie. i think jessica must be less than half of my weight and i dont think guys usually need to lift and flip their girlfriends over like rice sacks usually for no reason during normal circumstances in everydaylife [for some reason i cannot imagine jessica doing that with her nice long legs oh why i wonder is she not dancing they should dance together]
but anyway that's not the point!


thus my new year resolution.

not only will i study hard,
i will train hard,
dance well,
and lose weight.

it will work okay.
sensei said that 8th dans can will themselves to do anything.

i'm nowhere close,
but i'm feeling i can do it already!

new year,
HERE I COME!!!!

today while taking the shuttle bus my hair got stuck at the velcro part of the cushion part of the bus seat. it kind of got stuck, then as i tugged my head gently it came out, but once i rested my head back on the cushion it got stuck again.







i don't know why but it reminded me of the times i had in kindergarten,
only i didn't go to kindergarten; i went to PAP childcare.

the weather makes me wish i were a blouse hanging on the clothesline.

sigh.

i think the conversation was not meant to be because more than 9/10 of what i typed could not be delievered to the person.






who'd have thought msn messenger could be so agonizing?

as if words aren't bothersome enough,

sigh/

i know i'm definitely not the best,

but sometimes do you get that feeling?
that you're trying way hard and you've got the groove already,
but still you're corrected for something,
when you look around and everyone is making blunders all over?
that it's biasness and there's this leniency for some people;

and it's probably nothing much,
since you just correct the mistake and move on,
and try to ignore the mistakes others make,



but a small part of me just can't seem to let it go.

sometimes i think i try too hard.
-----------------------------------

i have this nagging urge to do something to the protein on my head.
i'm just kind of sick of the way it makes me look...

nows not a good time to experience.
i dont really like the idea of a 'memorable' haircut for CNY.
plus the hairdressers are charging exorbitant prices for the same ol' thing.



oh why not.

i might just do away with everything again.
but that'll be in july.

still have time to decide.

i kind of like the feeling of the rain on my skinhead.

1 webcast to watch, 2 chapters to read, 18 pages of lit review to sieve through and analyze.
and 123456789876321234567865434587532345789876543234589 things to do.

CORS and the psychology department finally took pity on me and allocated me health psych, but im not sure to be thankful, regretful or spiteful, really.

but i'm really glad that shazzy is taking I/O and health psych as well, and it saddens me, though maybe not that much, but it's a significant part of me; that i won't be able to see her smile during lectures anymore next semester; won't be able to hear her laughter, laugh at her silly cheeky faces when she poses for photos in hall.

and it won't be the same.
it'll be quiet in hall; meiyi, yijun, shazzy will all be graduating this semester...
psych lectures won't be the same;
the dreadful 3 hours will hang around, and seem to last forever....



as much as friends may make the pain lessen; as much as they make the experience all the more sweeter; eventually the path is yours to take,
and the road,
you travel alone.

my eyelids are heavy and i'm feeling a little tired.
i don't think i did much today, but i'm feeling quite satisfied with today.

oh,

and i rode a bike for the first time today.
the helmet was like way too bizarro for me, and the feeling of not knowing what to cling on to while i was moving uphill with the wind against me, and the feeling of worrying that im too heavy when we were going downhill, and the feeling of speeding, and the small jump over the bump;

it's all very fun,
but i still think i like taking buses better.



yeah, i know,

i'm such a drag.

how can you be so tall,
your castle, so strong;
your face, so stern;

but your tone, so warm;
your words, so kind?

and your smile.



age has seen it's trace on you;
the skin at the corner of your eyes wrinkling up when you smile;
and yet you stand before me,

a tower;
a castle;
so strong, so proud, but so humble;

so kind.

i was afraid that through the men-ga-ne you'd be able to see,
so i kept sniffing and wincing my eyes,
focusing on what your words,

because,
to me,

this is the greatest inspiration.
---------------------------------------

没想到，
原来，



虚伪的人，
其实是我。
-------------------------------
you know what.

i think that the middle-child syndrome is true.
being insecure, unloved; always comparing yourself with others,
trying too hard to please others; caring too much about what other people think,
doing 'necessary' things, trying way too much to be nice and going out of your way,

unappreciated.

but i deserve it.

maybe its time i really lived for myself.
and not gave a fuck about what other people wanted/thought/thought of me.

and the stuff about the only child sydrome?
about being self-centred, and not caring about other's and how they think or feel,



for the nth time,
again,

i realised,
hell yeah,

it's freaking true.
--------------------------------
nothing about the tournament yet.

after a series of unfortunate events,
and yes, i really mean unfortunate, i ended up reaching home at 10pm when the day technically ended at 6 or earlier.

but a lot of food for thought.
kendo and not.




i want a real break after this.

i will sleep as much as i want,
go into social hermitting,
eat what i like,
and i will take some time to think.

about who i really am, what i really want to do, and what i want to become.

when someone who usually looks pissed/preoccupied/too busy to 'entertain' you during normal days and usually speaks to you in an annoyed tone/acts like shes brushing you off suddenly calls you and asks you with an extremely sweet voice,

you know that she definitely wants something from you.

and if you dont have it,
the other party just can't conceal the sudden lack in interest,
and the rather failed attempt at trying to make conversation to fill in the blanks;




somehow,
that disgusts me.

it's unnecessary, i know;
but nevertheless, it disgusts me.
--------------------------

tired.



i think i took on too many things this sem. again. ya, i dont seem to know my limits.
im pretty glad that for once i dont have to wake up in the wee hours of the morning and try to swallow something down before heading off to that godforsaken place in tanah merah. no offence, skc, but your location is really seriously ulu.

individuals.
i am seriously amused that i am one of the seeded players. like excuse me? a 5th kyu-er?
haha. then again, like the many things that have fallen into my lap, since my batch of ladies consists of me, er, me, and wow, me again [sempo: me chuken: me taisho: ME AGAIN]
thus, it is all a matter of by default.
but, like i learnt last year, yes, ho, ho ho, individuals is all about just whacking and observing opponents for the team matches, since YKT is all about team glory.

team.
cant say much since its not supposed to be divulged, but i realised that its not quite as what i thought it would be. i thought that it would be possible to mature to play another part or position, but perhaps some people are simply more suited to or naturally like to and have a certain fighting style.
that, myself, i can't deny.
but peter sensei's words,
priceless.

then its back to chingay and deepee after ykt again.
deepee is loads of fun because i love love aiting's emo contemp dance, so challenging plus cool!
on a side note andrew boey is my partner for a part but somehow we dance too far and i can never touch his hand and turn in properly for one part which kind of annoys me, but i guess we ll have to build up more erm, mo qi, as the practices go.

and bingjie is damn funny when he forgets dance steps man.
he's really friendly and tries really hard, but when he forgets the steps ah,
hahaha, like hahaha x n where n -------------------> infinity funny.




amusing.



alright, better sleep soon.
sigh.

school starting.


i think i am hopeless to no limit. there are simply no boundaries to my lack of sense of awareness
of my surroundings and people.
3 years; 6 semesters of this bidding shit and i still haven't gotten the hang of things.
sometimes i really wonder if my brain is on holiday because when i think there seems to be nothing inside at all; if i do think, at all, that is.

round 3a on monday/later today already and i have only 3 modules.
totally deja vu of semester 1 in NUS/eusoff hall, aka screwed bidding.
i'm taking all weird modules this semester because i totally screwed up bidding and i didn't expect all the modules to be so competitive and all. like all the dragon babies are swarming the 3000 modules and the hons year modules have cap so it's quite difficult to get the modules even though i did try and put my 1200 pts in each for counselling psych and intro to clinical neuropsych; of which the latter i did successfully get. sigh. i guess i ll have to clear my breath modules this semester.

i'm happy because weiling is back, and vijay liew is back as well, and having people who've been gone for damn long back is like getting a huge overdue present, an extremely big hongbao from my parents [which essentially doesnt exist; unlike my other primary school mates, who have boasted excited to me in my younger days, the digits usually hit 3, and both their parents give one, whilst i should feel lucky if my dad even gives me 60 dollars.], 10 parcels from the mail, full of clothes you buy online, 5 kg off the weighing machine, all the pimples gone from my face, and chinese new year and valentines happening on the same day [essentially thats not possible either and since neither make much of a difference to me since i celebrate neither much, except that weijun's birthday is on vday but i dont give him any present anyway, i guess it doesnt matter much after all]

it's quite surreal, because i'm still getting weird vibes and suffering from being unable to adapt/fit in to the 'dance culture' and the 'dance gang' in hall.

when cek gu asked me,
'are you enjoying dance?'

i really didn't know what to say, and for a few seconds my face must have displayed a painful expresson because socially speaking sometimes its the feeling of inadequacy or not being able to fit in that is really spoiling the great feeling of learning and doing the moves.
and i think i said something like,
'yeah, kinda.'

i'm not making discriminating remarks about dancers and not implying that they're exclusive and unapproachable [xiaoxuan for one is a super anti-example, but yes this is not a valid way of reasoning; one bad cook does not spoil the broth; one anti-example cannot disprove anything] but they really are awfully hard to 'break into' and everyone's really comfortable in their cliques already, it's no surprise i get the cold shoulder sometimes, but you grin and bear it.
eventually i believe the smiles will melt some and i guess eventually more substantial conversations will surface, but for now, deepee is really pretty good, and chingay is tolerable.

and i guess it still feels painful, looking at the way some dancers are.
it really feels....

it's like the view from inside;
i didn't think it would be,
but it's the same as it was, when i was outside.

or maybe it's just that,

i'm really just still outside?

i was just casually speaking to a 'dancer' while we were doing chingay, and then i was saying that the chingay comm really need help and everyone in the comm was rushing for the deadline for preview and slogging like crazy and it would be really great if dancers could help and also that both sharon and sonja mentioned it to the dancers but no help from the dancers came besides sonja and sharon themselves,
and then she replied something like,

'oh, they are like that one, you can't ...'
blah blah. blah.

the rest was a blur because i was nodding and trying to look like i was understanding what she was saying but the first thing when she said 'they' as if she was not a part of them, i was turned off and i just switched off automatically.
seriously i think that's the problem with eusoffians, or singaporeans for that matter.
got a problem, or need something to be changed, oh, they do it loh.
huh me? they do it la, what can i do man.

like if you don't do something, and get your gang of friends to follow suit,
who will do it man?

that's the problem.
and worse still,
and when people ask them, oh, is it your hard work?
they readily say, yah, it is.
and when other people want to touch the float, they get all pissed and ask them not to.
was it your design? or your detailing? have you ever glued a single piece of corugated cardboard onto it? cut a single piece of tetrapack?
i bet they dont even know what corugated coardboard is.

i don't even know why i feel it's a problem because i'm supposed to be a 'dancer' like all of them,
and i cant even say that the chingay float my hard work, because the chingay committee are those who really deserve it; to stand on the float and to wave to everyone and smile.

the glossy costumes; the shiny bells, the fancy makeup;
what is all this really?
what are you doing?
what are we doing?
what the hell am i doing?

why do i feel like i'm betraying myself?

why do i feel like i'm betraying wayne, again? it's like the first time i said i would be doing chingay dance instead of chingay itself, only worse. on hindsight it might have been a wise decision since i wouldn't be able to train, do deepee, and also head to kallang almost daily to rush the chingay float. but still...

why am i still getting this kind of internal conflict after i've made the huge jump?
why is it that i am still questioning whether this is the right decision?
why do i still feel this way about 'dancers' even though i've so called become a part of them?

what does a 'dancer' mean to eusoff?
what does a 'dancer' mean to you?

sometimes it disgusts me...
joonkit was talking to me and i was telling him about it, but he was really encouraging; saying that it's good that the dancers have a sense of belonging to the float etc by readily answering that its their hard work, and also not to expect too much from them, since they're dancers...

after 3 years in eusoff; 5 semesters and counting,
2 times of rag, 2 times of deepee sets, and now chingay and deepee itself,
after seeing my name in the list of those selected for deepee,
after multiple dance practs and chingay rehearsals,
i'm still not sure whether it's what i wanted,
whether it's where i belong,
because,

definitely,
if that's the way you are,

i am not, and will never be a 'dancer'.
------------------------------------------------------

wayne kind of asked me if i want to do rag again.
said that vijay and jin and hc and himself will be doing rag everynight and helping joonkit and the new raggers to think and come up with new detailing after work/whatever committment/attachment they have.

jin and hancheng! both doing rag again! and with loh joonkit as the head. and miss eee as the vice [finally eee, yes you are the VICEHEAD, not admin]
and vijay liew himself, on his legendary stool!
most of all,
wayne himself.



honestly speaking it was very tempting.

and also i always felt that it was fate that brought us together, that even though sometimes i simply cannot tolerate the way he is and cannot understand the way he is or the way he treats some dancers compared to raggers/chingay comm people, in my heart, to me, he is a good friend and also a great person.

and it's very hard to reject,
because,

i find i have no reason to.

but it's an important thing to me,
so i think i ll have to think about it.
----------------------------------

today i got a shirt and it's supposed to be a birthday present and i haven't even tried it on to see if the size fits but i looked at it and it looks pretty ok and i should fit it unless i grew like 2 dress sizes bigger but that can't be possible hopefully because i'm on a diet so i can be civil and do my dance partner justice so he won't have to suffer the sad fate of throwing/flipping a heavy rice sack or the equivalent over whenever we do stunts and i can't remember when the last time i was so happy about getting a shirt because i seldom get t shirts because i simply can't fit into the standard size t shirts that they always sell online or at those bazaars in school cause they're made in one girly size and it's for those girls who fit like size 6 or something and i can't wear it without looking like the hulk inside one of them but anyway,

the point is,
i got a teeshirt and i'm happy about it.

-------------------------------------------

in general,

i think i'm quite happy because i'm getting more endorphins from all the training, rehearsals, dance practs and running around/helping out occasionally with dp sets and chingay float.
that should and by right will make me happy.

i think i held my breath for a few seconds.
maybe because they were really really cold.

and it was a familar but somehow unrecognisable feeling.





and then when i turned around and looked,

it was a familar smile.
welcome back,

mr liew.

okay,

i have never said with more resolution in my life,






but,

i have got to lose weight.
or else i think bingjie will die trying to flip me over.

and he's quite nice, so i hope he doesn't die trying.

okay, 1 more second to tuesday. ding.

status: im on the good side of the curve, thankfully.
hopefully this will stay for quite long. i think the endorphins from all the sweat and exertion from chingay dance, ai ting's dance, yj and jul's dance, and kendo is keeping me ':)'. i can't spell the word; it's pure evil. i think if i do i ll lose it. so better not take the chance.

J flew off today. yesterday in the wee hours of the morning actually.
i think we left on quite a bad note. it all started when i asked him to confirm the time he was flying off, and he replied and cracked a bad joke about kendo that kind of pissed me off [because i cannot take people not taking kendo seriously, because it simply isn't something like that to me, even if he only meant it as a joke] and i went on to say that he didnt and wouldnt understand, and that pissed him off too, and then i think he regretted saying something even meaner afterwards, but i was so busy and preoccupied that i just kind of brushed him off with a 'feeling tired, goodnight take care-' then offline.

ya, i know thats kind of evil; okay, it IS evil, and like just mean and i'd be pissed if someone does that but what do you do when you're tired and you just don't want to talk to the person or handle the conversation anymore? you give up and turn around and leave.

for that split second J reminded me of him very much, cause we always quarrelled and i felt he just had to argue with me to be different, or to pose a different perspective, just for the thrill of the argument or to win it, and it was really incomprehensible to me.

i hope J will be okay in the US. i'm sure things will be okay since he's got his best friends there, and they probably miss each other a lot or something, and since J's got the NOC thing settled, and from what i heard from VJ, besides the job being a little mundane it seems like it's a pretty good deal, so i think J will be fine there taking VJ's place now that mr liew is back.



i'm sorry J,
i really think you don't understand, but
im just not good enough a friend.
----------------------------------------------

dance.

i'm feeling this invisible pressure to lose weight coming back already.
okay, i will deal with it in a rational manner and try not to lose it.
i said try.

yijun and jul's dance is pretty cute.
broadway isn't what i had in mind, and im kind of sad i didnt get to do hip hop, which means i can act cool, but there's only 1 hip hop dance and most of the choreos were fighting to do it, so means no chance. but i am honoured i got chosen by yj and jul to join their dance cause they're really nice; the dance is kinda cute though difficult; and i quite enjoy the company though most of the people are already in cliques and it's hard to break it, but i guess i ll survive along somehow.
and did i mention my partner is bingjie from a4.
i think i hid my squirming quite well when yijun said he was supposed to partner me.
goodness. well i hope he's friendly.
i guess we ll work some kind of partnership and mo qi out somehow.
it'll be okay.

ai ting's dance.
i really really like it. it's this emo contemp thing. she's a fantastic choreographer, tall, pretty, with poise, and really nice too. so ++++.
the songs she uses are those non-mainstream electronica/indie/whatever emo songs that are really nice. +++
and im happy that i got allocated/selected to join her dance cause like her dance is hard contemp/like you have to be a certain standard to be selected and all. =) honoured.
and the best part; plus there's no couple thingy in the dance as of yet, so im kind of relieved because if there's a segment that the guy has to carry the girl or whatever i think i ll just wallow in self-pity and cry or squirm internally if i am one of the lucky [or unlucky] girls to pair with the only 5 guys in the dance. chances pretty low. chen yong <-> vanessa, aron <-> hsin yi, rasul <-> probably with a shorter girl, shane <-> probably with aiting, and that leaves ravin, who might pair with xx, weimin, who has been kind of mia-ing [he's also tall so i think him <-> denise more plausible] and andrew boey who is still in sweden with ash [on second thought boey might pair with aiting or claudine, so that means im safe].

chingay dance.
okay so im a kid now but the best consolation is that the kids' costume is highly likely to be not only cheaper but also nicer-looking than the elf costume. *gives bright smile* okay i am evil.
it's pretty nice but i kind of feel sad i dont get to be an elf but on the flip side i know the commitment would kill me so im kind of relieved in another way. sharon has been quite understanding and nice since i explained my situation and expressed my determination and commitment towards dance. so i guess i wont be kicked out after all. suprise suprise. ':)'

the chingay people are having difficulty finishing the detailing and the float though. im kind of torn as to whether to go to kallang to help [cant really say help since i feel its my responsibility to go, cause im part of the original team that made the float anyway, its our baby!] since my dance pract starts like 1pm these days and have training/dance again at night, so if i go it ll only be 2-3 hrs in the morning. but i think i ll see when i can go...
afterall, no float, what the hell to dance in front of? amusing.
looking at the way soohf is, and how stressed up yew hungseng is, i really feel bad im not able to be there with them, but i guess it can't be helped and all.

training.
okay honestly speaking it has been great.
like the past few trainings i realised a lot of things and suddenly found out a lot of things that have always seemed vague and untouchable to me. And also it is comforting that the juniors are a fun bunch to mix with and i have no difficulty remembering their names or conversing with them now, and that the kai as a whole, i feel, is growing and there is this togetherness and spirit as quoted by our mr bai, 'spirit he has never felt before'
to which nixon replied,
'maybe it's a ghost.'

ah-ha-ha-ha.
right.

and sensei has been so kind with/to us.
i can feel his attitude to us has changed. perhaps it is because of the many things that happened past the years, and also maybe that he feels our grattitufde towards him and that we appreciate his teachings and his presence and all. and the countless sensei moments! ':)' again!






i guess my life is quite exciting, with all the deepee, chingay, YKT ecetera coming up.
but all the tension is like accumulating in my shoulders i feel so tired...

live to fight another day.


today suddenly,

i remembered again why i wanted to join kendo,
and then i felt ':)'

last week i found that the pocket in my bag had a hole in it and lots of my things that i thought went missing had fallen into the hole which was between the inner layer of the bag and the outer layer of the bag, which was the reason why i found that despite the bag been emptied there was still the sound of items clanking around and rolling in the bag.




today i ironed one blouse and either the button edge was too thin or the iron too hot or both, because the button side melted and totally came off.
two buttons, actually.

i think my life is pretty interesting.

you said that i might have done it because i was sabohed or out of obligation,
but i don't think you ll ever know,




that i did it because you said i should
and believed i could do it,

and so i did.



i always think,

it's scary,
the weight of your words,
and the impact of them on me.
-------------------------------------
i had steamboat twice this week, survived 8 sessions of trainings, kind of pissed off my dad for not telling him earlier that i'd not be back for long this weekend, considered if i should cut my hair, decided again that i would really look better if i lost weight, decided that i should try to memorise dance steps in the shower instead of just zoning out,

and laughed so hard i forgot the feeling of ever laughing so hard ever my life.

i think i must have laughed so much today that if there was a quota on how much to laugh per day and you musn't exceed it or else you ll be punished for wasting away the laughter, i should be punished not to be able to be allowed to laugh for the next 10 years of my life.

it's crazy really.


i think ash is right.
maybe i'm always losing myself,
trying to fit in somewhere new,
trying to find someone accepting,
but actually ultimately im just trying to find myself.

it's as if i weren't sure of what i have been doing, the encouragement people have been giving me, the praises, compliments, and the trust given to me.

if i were bipolar,
im definitely on the right side of the curve now, anyway.
-----------------------------------------------------------

i feel thankful,
and a little warm inside.




thanks for making me laugh like i forgot i could,
and didnt think i ever would.