you said that i might have done it because i was sabohed or out of obligation,
but i don't think you ll ever know,




that i did it because you said i should
and believed i could do it,

and so i did.



i always think,

it's scary,
the weight of your words,
and the impact of them on me.
-------------------------------------
i had steamboat twice this week, survived 8 sessions of trainings, kind of pissed off my dad for not telling him earlier that i'd not be back for long this weekend, considered if i should cut my hair, decided again that i would really look better if i lost weight, decided that i should try to memorise dance steps in the shower instead of just zoning out,

and laughed so hard i forgot the feeling of ever laughing so hard ever my life.

i think i must have laughed so much today that if there was a quota on how much to laugh per day and you musn't exceed it or else you ll be punished for wasting away the laughter, i should be punished not to be able to be allowed to laugh for the next 10 years of my life.

it's crazy really.


i think ash is right.
maybe i'm always losing myself,
trying to fit in somewhere new,
trying to find someone accepting,
but actually ultimately im just trying to find myself.

it's as if i weren't sure of what i have been doing, the encouragement people have been giving me, the praises, compliments, and the trust given to me.

if i were bipolar,
im definitely on the right side of the curve now, anyway.
-----------------------------------------------------------

i feel thankful,
and a little warm inside.




thanks for making me laugh like i forgot i could,
and didnt think i ever would.