not been doing much lately. just slowly anticipating the subtle progress of the float, the side props, and my relationships with some people, and one person in particular.


its a little weird, because i always have these weird dreams about things that preoccupy me in the day. as the chinese saying goes, 日有所思，夜有所梦. what issues or pressing matters that take up your full attention while you are awake during the day, you will dream about and be concerned at night while you are dreaming. REM and non REM sleep? im wondering if they are night tremors...

like i envision the huge paper mache rolling off from it's attachment point and crushing some helpless civilians along the way, maybe president s.r. nathan and kent ridge's float included.
not that i dislike the idea. frmph. *smirk*




im slightly dreading school, and the swell of responsibilities and small pile of things waiting to be done once rag ends. im sure for a while, maybe just a little while, after rag i ll feel vacant. because what has preoccupied me for the past 3 months would have ended suddenly, leaving me with a hollow space to fill up. i ll see the same people again around, though maybe not so frequently, and we ll always have fond and not-so-fond memories for us to reminisce and hold on to, but things will never be the same again, which is a beautiful regret.




just a random thought:

i think i need to buy more bandannas or else more people will keeping asking me if im from monk's hill, or if there place i'm standing at is a nunnery.

do i look like a eusoff takraw guy?
it's funny but i kind of like the response both ways.

my virgin attempt at blogging from the tentag =P haha.
its like one of those overdue revelations that should haven come eons ago; i just only realised that the foyer has internet access. how f***ing cool is that! [censored for milder audiences =)]
bollocks! ive been missing out dozens... *smirk*

which reminds me.


its kind of funny, because it was deja vu all over again, for the nth time, yesterday, when a junior completely shocked me when he said i was 'cool'.

*spits out water drank just only*

anyway did you know its drink-drank-drank. HEH HEH. not drink-drank drunk hor. *wags finger* reminds me of the dreary english grammar sessions of drilling lie-lied-lied and lie-lay-laid [or is it lie-lay-lay? i suppose i dont think im quite qualified then, though i'd always like to think of myself as a grammar nazi. heh. its a pet peeve.]

anyway, so that completely stunned me, for like 10 seconds, until we had to move another side prop, which then of course took up the full of my attention.

it was like, momentarily, back to jc2, first day that the freshies joined our warm up practice, and siew boon [is that her name? i forget] standing in the row in front of me. she turned around to me, and suddenly said, with her eyes all shiny and her face in full awe,

you're so pretty!

and i was like,
HUH!
its more like,
I should be the one saying that!
*stun*

well.

its these fleeting moments and awkward but not unwelcome praises and compliments that suddenly stun me. because with my current pau-face and not-so-perfect-and-sightly nose, my overall image is less than satisfactory. at least by my own standards.




well.

ok,
i need to cut like say 50? of these containers.
work now, crap later, CHOW!

*smirk

im feeling just a little like a piece of useless shit cause its 6 36 am and i promised myself i would cut some more stuff before going to sleep but im sleepy even after my bath.

it reminds me of the time i was so tired i kept having those sleep 'hiccups' in the midst of doing stuff, and even while waiting for my egg prata. virgin attempt at falling flat, my face, into the prata. well, not quite, but nearly. my spoon fell when my hand released its grip so i didnt manage to. i wonder if that's a good thing.



so many things to do, so little time.

i miss eating with j. sometimes i think its cause he can go on and on about stuff at work, tech stuff, some random things, latest doramas; i dunno, but somewhere in the middle i just switch off and give a blank look because its brain overload cause there's too much info for my peasy peanut brain, but its a nice comfortable feeling so i dont really mind.

i wonder if i really act like a child sometimes. the way i get patted on my head and treated like a small girl... its confusing really.

well.
frmph.



i kind of miss clubbing. just a little. not the drinks, but more the fun, the cranky laughter and lame-but-sometimes-horny-or/and-corny jokes, the fanatastic dancing; the occasional girly dress up. but i suppose i dont think i ll be going for quite sometime, till i find myself at least. cutting my hair has been a fresh start, besides a part for charity, and i need some time for identity searching.


everything is going on fine at home, which makes me glad, because things usually arent, and havent been for a long time... but they are, pretty much, at least for now. which is good, surprisingly, but good nevertheless.

i wonder if i pissed my boss off today because i went a bit overboard with some really sarcastic lame joke answers. but well, i take it for granted too much that he's good-natured and can tolerate my nonsense. but maybe its just my natural tendency to be nastier to guys because i tend to think they can take these kind of things and all kinds of nonsense while i'd be more careful and caring towards the girls.

i think i ll sleep a little while =)
maybe get up and cut some containers, hopefully.


5 alarms?
enough, you think?

its a little weird to be blogging at 8 23am when everyone else is sleeping and while im supposed to be on sentry duty, but 4 hours of cutting plastic 'chocolate' containers would quite suffice for now, until i take a shower and retreat to cut some more.

today was a good day, because generally things went pretty well.
except maybe i keep thinking about certain things, which are insignificant and not worth mentioning, like how slowly my hair is growing, and how it's affecting my self-projected image and how i intend to dress and act.

sometimes if people say something about me, i will think that, i want to act the part.
for example,
like when ash said that 'i'm better than a boyfriend' the first time i sent her home,
i suddenly felt quite manly and strong and protective and tall [its not that i am tall, ash is just well, not so tall. anyway height is always a matter of comparison. if everyone was 150, i'd be considered a giant ok. that's in a parallel universe. if it exists. that is. sigh.]

but thats not important.

so anyway someone today said that i look just like a young boy, or something like that.
and geok also tagged saying that i look like a small boy now.
and i just realised.

that my features are pretty androgynous.
i wonder if thats a good thing or not. hmmm. *ponders*
i suppose if i covered my assets and spoke in a slightly lower-than-my-current voice maybe it would be convincing and that i could pass off as a guy.

im pretty confused as to how to dress now, cause everything just looks weird when you have little hair. except maybe a monk's robes, which would suit me pretty well, i reckon. *smirk*

which reminds me, my new nickname, affectionately coined by my biggest boss, who also happens to be a botak now, is 'small monk' in chinese. esther says i shouldnt respond to it, or refer to myself using the term, but i dont dislike it. just like i dont dislike sopphia or hui ro caressing my astro turf when they see me. its a pretty nice snuggly feeling, but funny in a way.
weird-funny, not haha-funny.

------------------------------------

its rather amusing at how slow to react i can be, because
the other day last week i was cutting some edges of the l bar thing, and i looked down and just realised,

oh, how come theres a sticky patch of red stuff on my big toe area.

oh.
its blood.
hmm.
oh. i have a cut
*gets up to wash slipper, then foot*
*calmly puts on plaster*

then i got tekanned by my boss again, for not wearing shoes. not like he's any better! he doesnt wear his properly loh! he barely puts the front of his feet inside, with the heels sticking out. amusing! but he's one amusing fella. i ve never and doubt i will ever see someone as happy sleeping on a flat surface like a 5-ply or cardboard as him. doubly amusing. and the stuff he says, really random and sometimes annoying, but its pretty quite when he doesnt talk, which is slightly worrying, because he's usually full of nonsense. but quite a bit of the nonsense is a lot of good stuff, though maybe others may think it's sai kang.

and the way he qcs is quite infectious, though slightly irritating.

now i've been influenced, much to my disdain!
im a masking tape nazi now! any creases and DIE!!! REDO REDO REDO!!!!
heh.


but one thing that REALLY, REALLY gets on my nerve is,
it has to be the EXACT moment, when he comes over to check up on me and see if things are going smoothly
i HAVE to suddenly find an incredibly horrendous mistake, which plunges me into the infinite depths of misery and sorrow and desperation and guilt and shame and inferiority
its like,

DAMN, NOT AGAIN!

sigh.
i mean,
why couldnt i have found out the mistake earlier?
it HAS to be when he comes to supervise.
its like,

kanasai, blistering bollocks balderdash!
*heaves a sigh*

you cant blame me for my black face.




frmph. *disgruntled*
it's more a general disappointment towards myself.
but i've kind of taken the occurance as some kind of sign.

it's like ive been conditioned so badly, that whenever he comes, i immediately feel my stomach churning and know that its a bad omen and that i m in deep shit, or will be soon.
bollocks.

there's no logical cause-effect link between his appearance and the occurance of the mistake, but its happened so many times i cant help but subconsciously link them together. darn!


and he thinks that im pissed with him. ha.
amusing.

----------------------------------

on the other hand,
j got a room! YAY HURRAH! *dances around *
but he says there's strings attached [of course la, DUH].
hmmm. =) at least there's one more motivation to stay in hall.

and hurrah, in n number of hours, where n is a very small integer, my idol, my ambition, my guiding light, my lead, the top master's student, the diligent model student, the close-to-perfect-cap-score-if-not-for-one-a-minus graduate will officially graduate.
oh, he happens to be my father.

how not to feel inferior !
there's so much to live up to; his legacy; his rich wealth of knowledge [of which i will never be able to hang on to, probably not even 1/n of it, where n is a very large number] and his love for the chinese language and culture [which i ve partially inherited but not really continued]

and did i tell you i love semi-collens? im quite sure i spelt that wrongly but never mind i was always the kid with a sulky face and yucky grades when the spelling test was given out in primary 2. frmph. semi-collens give me the power to write all strings of not-so-relevant nonsense together in a IMMENSELY LONG SENTENCE, which i really really like. heh heh, all this illegal legitimacy [oh the irony]

*big smile*



im thinking if i should stun my father by turning up in a dress for his convocation,
but i'd think i'd stun his teachers and classmates more with my seemingly-confused sense of dressing and image. [botak head + chor loh way of acting+talking + feminine dress = confused girl going through late puberty having problem with self-image]

speaking of which,
i really AM confused with who i am, or who i want to become, but well.

i suppose i could speak in a feminine manner,
but that wouldnt be me,

would it?

anyone who said kendo is all about perseverance is definitely right. like 100% right.

my stamina has dropped by 1/m, where m is a number nearing 1/infinity [haha, playing with a little math there, HO HO HO i am so mundane.]

at this point of time, the monotonous-yet-mildly-amusing-but-disturbing voice of my junior college physics teacher, who also happens to be the teacher in charge for njc canoeing, and is taking part in the n km death valley race [where n is a number----> infinity] rings in my head :

'consistency is the key to success'

alas. if only things were that easy. and i was planning to keep fit and study hard this holidays while doing rag. surprisingly, or rather, not-so-surprisingly, i found out [maybe a tad too late] that while you do rag 24-7, its hard to multi-task anything else. thank goodness im no longer with 1 internship and 2 part-time jobs.

maybe less hair makes things easier. or harder.
i mean, its cooler and all [cool as in windy-cool not wow-you-re-so-cool-cool] but i get really annoyed when i bump into things and i already got injured like twice and there's this really small red mark near the corner of the left of my head. goodness i almost typed 'left head'. like i have 2 heads, left and right. RIGHT. goodness, what has become of my english!

cik gu elfie keeps making fun of me and mock-praising [if thats possible] my fantastic-never-fails-to-impress NJC gp standard. heh. its just a personal pet peeve to want to phrase things nicely, if possible, in a more impressive and sometimes flowery language.




nothing much lately, except waiting for bidding to start, for rag day to come, for school to start, for taking over welfare duties, for my hair to grow back, for my social life to come back [if it ever existed, that is]

i doubt anyone is reading this, but i blog for myself anyway, so ditto that.



i'm just starting to enjoy the feeling of wire-meshing the bamboo stuff but i get really annoyed that sometimes the bamboo edges molest my scalp and that i have to half-bend-squat-crawl to get under the structure so i can do the work. urgh. ouch la, when it bumps against my head. or rather vice versa. no more metal bits flying into my eye despite adhering to safety precautions and wearing safety goggles though.

i just realised that my sentences are rather long and random. but this revelation is pretty random too.


im a little worried about my master, whom i am supposedly disciple to, and have to inherit and master all his rag skills. he's going on these crazy 24- hour shifts that are peppered with 3-5 hour sleep breaks in between. goodness. and he has flu already, the old bugger. and he thinks i dont like him cause i dont respond or smile much when he talks. but what he DOESNT know is that he talks an incessantly immensely crazily excessively HUGE amount sometimes i dont even know what to say. and half the time im figuring how to stick the binding wire into the hole i drilled in the bamboo properly so it can reach to the other side or trying to hear him over the radio, so well, you cant expect too much.

and sometimes its tiring to talk, so i just dont.

but i feel pretty bad.
i should probably talk more to ol' mate so at least he doesnt think im antisocial.
sigh.

i get the feeling im too dependent on him, but he's the boss and the experienced one, so i really totally dont mind being told, but funnily i would have preferred if he ordered me around instead of asking me to 'help' him do stuff and saying thank you everytime i did something. its just weird. i mean, we're equals, if not, he's more senior than me, so there's no need for 'thanks' mah.
it just makes me feel damn weird.

---------------------------------------------

ok, so should i go to bed, cause im sleepy, or
continue wire-meshing?


i mean, life is so interesting. i live under a bamboo bowl. HEH.

i nearly killed cikgu today.


maybe not really, but at least i could have prevented, stopped, not let it happen.
when i looked up the l bar flew and went right into his face \


and all i thought was

oh my god


its all my fault

im thinking about random things,

like how the clouds in the sky looked like they came from surrealist paintings;
how the cat sitting at the pantry has such a long furry tail;

and how my hair is growing back, albeit a tad too slowly.


its funny, because i was entirely exhausted during piecing yesterday, so when sopphia proceeded to rub my head/astroturf i was defenseless and made no effort to resist. the weird part is, funnily, i felt comforted by her gentle smoothing of the strands of my hair. but at the same time, being patted, i felt like a dog.

so maybe this is how dogs feel like.
its not that i dislike it much; its not a bad feeling, thats why i didnt resist.

--------------------------------------------

been frustrated with how things have been proceeding in my life, rag, mostly, in general.

frustrated with how useless i am as a potential disciple to se,
frustrated with the feeling that sometimes i get exploited to do somethings,
frustrated that we dont really seem to be going anywhere [or maybe its just me]
frsutrated that i havent managed to have the time to go home and talk things out with my father, whom i quarrelled with over rag,
frustrated i havent managed to see my mother much, despite going home last last week, and i miss her, more than anything
frustrated i havent had the time to visit mr m. even though i promised and wanted to, right before the holidays and rag started

frustration is evil,
so i used freudian techniques to turn these negative feelings into a constructive outcome; i.e. i used my brute strength in my fit of frustration and tried to scrape off dried off paint and mix it with hot water to churn it into reusable fresh paint.

its called *furiously flips psychology text*
ta-da,

• Sublimation. The refocusing of psychic energy (which Sigmund Freud believed was limited) away from negative outlets to more positive outlets. These drives which cannot find an outlet are rechannelled. In Freud’s classic theory, erotic energy is only allowed limited expression due to repression, and much of the remainder of a given group’s erotic energy is used to develop its culture and civilization. Freud considered this defence mechanism the most productive compared to the others that he identified. Sublimation is the process of transforming libido into ‘socially useful’ achievements, mainly art. Psychoanalysts often refer to sublimation as the only truly successful defense mechanism

interesting eh. i just didnt want to end up using transference and spreading the negative emotions so i tried to avoid people and talk less cause i knew if i did, what would come out from my mouth wouldnt be anything good, much, but people dont seem to understand.

generally, im not the type of girl who says 'leave me alone' but doesnt really want to be left alone.


i really hate people asking 'are you ok' because im obliged to say i am because the person asking is asking out of concern for my well-being but i really am not ok but i usually say i am anyway.
if you dont ask, its better that way; its easier to hang on.

at the same time, i feel touched, which is conflicting, so it poses a new dilema to me, on top of my already present problems/frustrations.



ok, im a little sleepy.
how now?

im sitting here at wardrobe using shazzy's laptop typing a mundane blog entry when i should be hard at work drawing and brainstorming costumes. heh.

im pretty happy, but sad at the same time.


i hate that kind of feeling, because honestly it sucks. its the short-lived epheremal [hope i spelled it correctly and i just realised its 'spelled' not spelt' ] happiness followed shortly by long-dwelling misery. its not that bad of course, its more like a sinking heavy feeling that accompanies each day. bah.

J came the other day to pass me some stuff from taiwan, and we only talked a bit while he waited for the bus but im feeling glad he came but sad i kind of made him miss the last 151 but he said it was fine and he took 189 instead. he's the first person who didnt look much at my botak head while talking to me the first time he saw it. not shocked meh. heh.

i'm wondering if my hair will be long enough for me to look feminine when school starts. i think not.

im just feeling miffed that i missed the module preference exercise chibai sorry esther i said the 700 word really miffed its like sem 1 again i got outbidded for all my mods and was landed with a grand total of 0 modules at the end of round 2A. cheebai. now its like, 9pm and i just realised the exercise ended at 4pm.




mr m. visited today. he was as stunned as i am. its like, i think he couldnt recognise me with my botak head and my cui state, and i couldnt recognise him, all glowing, perfect complexion, easy-going, good looking and all. its funny, cause i never felt he was, but perhaps absence makes the heart grow fonder. and i miss bob. its a little sad, because i just realised, once again, for the nth time where n---> infinity, that i wont be able to walk to a1, pick up the key from that smelly shoe, open the door and sit inside the room that smells of cigarettes, cat fur, lit texts, and messy clothes. it wont be the same again...

im just missing the sets times.

and i laughed, at the disdain in mr m's voice when he said its sad cause my hair is a turn-on and now its gone. ha-ha. the things people say about my hair. and now, when its gone [well, most of it ] the things they say again. and weird, cause it looks hard now, but its actually really soft. maybe thats why vijay has a penchant for suddenly attacking me from the back and then rubbing my astroturf like im his pet dog or something.

i miss bob.


its funny because for the past few day[s] i've been forced to lie/sit under the bamboo thing while rui song was above me, inside the igloo-like mache. anything for rag really.



im wondering how i will last through semester 1 of my second year as a eusoffian without mr m at A1, and without J at C1, and without jia wei at kendo.

when you start to lose motivations in life,
how do you go on?

when the people start leaving,
these things start losing their meaning.

-----------------------------------------------------------
when will boss give me a day off so i can visit mr m.?


ah, se is here =( means more work for me to do, more twitch-smiles for me to produce, and lame jokes for me to tolerate. but im not disliking being in his group. just a little miffed sometimes. he is a good se and leader nevertheless.

hopefully tmr i can visit mr m.

just some eye candy for viewing pleasure so you know the kind of creeps i've been hanging out with and the stuff we've been doing [RAG DUH no pictures of that confidential XP]

eusoff raggers rock can!
07-08






us waiting for the ferry back to mersing















hongjun, me, shazzzy and joshua [acting silly again]











me, shazzy tg and mc meicheeeee













on the bus back from tioman










yes, that's my face right in front with the huge set of whale-like teeth exposed













at lerking mac
















last day at tioman











eating at anchor point

feeling tired.

mentally and physically.

sometimes when the metal bits come flying out from the grinder and go into my eyes, despite my following safety regulations and wearing supposedly-super safe goggles, the tears well up in my eyes and i wonder if its because im sad or because of the irritation from the bits.

i look at my coarse and fingers, and sometimes i think to myself,
these are a labourer's hands. dirty, peeling, with some grub, hardened yellow glue, and goodness knows what else. these same pair of hands used to be smooth, fair, a tad stubby perhaps, but an artist's hands nonetheless. and i question, and i reprimand, and i try to substantiate my actions, my behaviour, the result, the outcome.

i know its the same for everyone, though not everyone is cutting metal bars with a metal grinder because the bars are freaking crazy- each side is a different angle so the metal bar cutter cant be used, but everyone is suffering the same. sleeping the same less-than 8 hours, trying to struggle and fight through the 16 hour shifts, juggling external commitments and obligations...

sometimes i just wish....


but i never regret.
regret is something that has never come to my mind.

tiring, exhausting, difficult, hard, painful, but, it was my choice, my decision, unfazed, unaffected by others nonetheless. despite the numerous advices from various people, i made my decision to do it. and so, here i am.


sometimes i get the feeling i'm exploited, because it really pulls my morale to see some people seemingly slacking off or doing the easy stuff, but i know it isnt the case. what addy said about integrity is right. the problem with me is that i wish, ideally, for every other team mate to commit to the same extent as i am willing to. in reality... well...
i should just trust that others are not slacking off while i'm working.
whether or not it's the case,
i'll feel better anyway.


i worked with se for some things recently. cant help but feel like we [myself included] are depending on him too much. but sometimes i think, we're all rookies; he's the small boss, so its just a learning process, and a way to get experience. sometimes i feel bad that im not able to do things fast enough to meet his speed and expectations, or not do it well enough...

sometimes im just so tired, i dont want to do ot, i just want to go back to rest.
but with a boss like that, so driven, though sometimes somewhat exploitative [if there's such a word sorry im brain dead now] and so understanding [his group has the best welfare. its really so touching when he gets the fan so we can not work and end up all sweaty, and when he switches off the lights in the foyer room when i nap during break time, though i think he'd wish i were working instead...]


sometimes i think im tied too hard to obligation and expectation.


i'm really not as good, as efficient, as experienced as you guys think! [if you think so]
im new to all this; i just want to learn the ropes like a rookie would...


i just hope i can hang on longer till the next phase comes in; i feel myself telling me i need to escape soon... its a bad feeling... and it cant happen now, not when we re down to 17, the smallest number of raggers in recent years, making the most amount of things and mechanisms...

responsibility comes first.
i think my mother was/is right. very soon i will die as a result of obligation.

but for now,
i live to fight another day.
--------------------------------------

nothing much recently in terms of relationships with people.

just feel like im drifting from wayne, cause we're not talking much, but before that we werent originally anyway. its like you know the eye contact thing? during talking? he doesnt do it much. i wonder if he thinks im slacking off, or i should stick to my shift and not overwork, or really im just reading into things too much. another extreme example of eye contact is se. he gives immensely a lot of eye contact while talking, it makes me scared sometimes.

,maybe im just being anal. ha-ha.

i think its weird to have rachel stay opposite me, with ming wayne, cause... its just weird.
and its weirder that she called me 'princess', because im sure anyone would agree that that noun is the last word anyone would use to describe me. even olga is closer, can? coming from someone who is more princesscy. well... just peculiar. maybe she hasnt seen me for too long.

i cant quite imagine her without hair. she said she wanted to shave for hair for hope as well but her parents disallowed. well, true, granted sometimes these things... im glad my parents are liberal when it comes to things like charity; donating blood, shaving to support cancer patients... its only hair anyway!

somehow i dont think rachel would really do it even if her parents said yes, but maybe then again not... but i remember rachel plaiting her hair, and looking so delighted. the girl has a thing for plaiting her hair, tying it in different styles, etc... maybe its a fetish! goodness knows. =) i suppose hair = image... its just like how most girls value their hair as an important part of themselves...


but its not easy being botak.
i mean, maybe if you see me, you think i laugh, talk, walk around normally, comfortably and naturally, but i get rather miffed but the looks and stares from passers-by sometimes. its entirely annoying to the extent some people really just stare blankly and i get so pissed i stare back and smirk, heh, never seen a botak before ah.

i know its human nature to stare at societal anti-stereotypes, but...

now i have a taste of what its like being a cancer patient. just a tiny one, but painful regardless. but it certainly has made me and will make me stronger... despite it being just hair! amazing, these things.. it can be difficult to just walk with your head up high normally out in the streets...

but there's nothing to be shameful of. im liking my astroturf. *rubs head*

im entirely sure this is all for the best. sometimes i purposely do somethings that may be difficult for me, because i want to become stronger...


come to think of it,
i thought through the decision carefully, and i thought it would be alright, that it would be easy,
but still when the stares came, and when the locks fell off, it still wasn't.
it is/was a lot harder than i imagined.

hair is something special for me i suppose, because if i get any compliments from people, 9/10 of the time it would surely be about my 'nice black', 'smooth', 'shiny', 'beautiful' hair. i've had girls come up to me, their eyes all shining and watery, telling me they love my hair.
i pick up a stand, look at it quizzically, thank them briefly and shrug it off.

i suppose you never appreciate it till its gone. hair today, gone tomorrow. HA-HA.

its absurd, but sometimes i used to use my hair to cover my face, which i am not-so-fond-of.
long hair elongates the round face, so my face can look less pau-like. but now...

it's funny how looks matter so much... maybe less now... now i'm walking around, blatantly flashing my pau face, and round botak head. *smirk*


i dont really know how to end this post off, since my brain is semi-dead, and i have 1 hr left to sleep before my REAL shift starts, but well.
i'm doing ok,

and you can rub my head for good luck.

first day of 24/7, over.

it was hard, but what's over's over. and the hardest part [starting 24/7] is over, so baik lah, no problem. im just kind of annoyed at myself for having to yell 'wake up wake up' to keep myself up, and suddenly standing up midway between nuting some bolts/ screwing some stuff to keep me from falling asleep [believe it or not, i can sleep while drilling eh, amazing right i should be on ripley's believe it or not]

i'm damn impressed with how our dear se, rui song, can still tell lame jokes, look totally untired, and hum a song with the lyrics of any single select noun/verb/adjective that interests him during our random conversations while i struggle to make it past day break... amazing.

it was immensely encouraging and moving to see wife's message at 1.47 am. asking me if my new monk image has stunned the life out of my fellow raggers, and if i was still alive, and to jia you for 24/7.... she has this incredible ability of making me feel warm and snuggly inside =3

anyway, with regards to my new hairstyle.

im still not used to it, but im not disliking it. its kind of funky cause it takes n minutes to dry, where n is a very small number, and shocks/shocked/will shock m number of people, where m ---> infinity. amusing. especially when meichee stood at my door, her mouth agape, screaming ohmygodohmygodohmygod .... i didn't think a haircut would have such an adverse effect on people... well. it's only hair, folks. it'll grow back. *shrug* though i am somewhat annoyed by the apparent looks of disgust on random walkers-by's faces [why is it walkers-by and not walker-bys? frmph... english is such a weird language]

the most classic would be the stunned look on the bus driver's look when i got on 151. priceless.

now i'm just wondering how i'm going to wear my men for kendo, cause if my scalp constantly feels molested and harrassed by the sunshine, wind, sweat and rain, then surely a hard 'men' hit would kill the life out of it... and i'm not sure sarah would want me to tend the kendo booth during matric fair with my current image... unless im planning to scare the shit out of our potential juniors... its almost as bad as jiawei going to tend the booth with his cast.... heh. now we sama sama already.

somehow, hair feels like an accessory. meichee said something about hair being important to a girl, and i somewhat agree but it made me miffed about double standards with regards to so many things including this...



i'm just glad im doing some controversial/crazy/cranky/anti-stereotypical thing in the good name of charity. imagine, my hair, which i receive the most compliments about [if anything, i always get the 'i love your hair' and shining eyes look from girls, and occasional small remarks complimenting my hair from guys] will be made into a wig, which, a cancer kid, then can wear and receive compliments about! ROCKS LA. [i havent said that much in a long time, i've kind of lost the special touch.... cant say it the pseudo-c4 way. well. too bad loh.]

if you see me,
or you want to see me,

come rub my head for good luck!

if i have one lucky star for one mole on my scalp/face/head,
then i promise you i am damn lucky.


by the way,
this is damn random but

i feel like sinnead o' connor leh! HAHAHA

so today was some really smashing exciting day.

a picture speaks a thousand words,
so let them do the talking.








hair today












me, and wife, supportive













hair, gone tomorrow


















skinhead leh!



























nothing much to be said,
except that the razor was fuzzy and warm;
the audience was welcoming and encouraging;
wife, hui chiang and my family, particularly my folks were supportive

hair for hope 2007! support the children who are cancer patients.. =)

its funny cause my scalp feels cold now.
HAHAHA.

ok, so i'm back from the sunny island of tioman, with newer, and more fond memories of the place, [besides those that my dad remind me frequently, of myself age n, where n is a very small number, standing stunned at the buffet table at berjaya beach resort, and walking r times around the table where r is a very large number, and coming back to the seat empty-handed because i was spoilt for choice. bah. pardon my not-so-fanatastic sentence structure. it's all about incoherence.]

everything was last minute, but im 100% glad i went, and that i managed to convince my folks, because, if anything, i've grown LOTS, lots, lots closer to my rag chums. it was fantastic, those days. i'd miss wayne doing push-ups, shazzy screaming in delight/horror, mc giving me 'the eye' durinng beach volleyball, hong jin talking about his love for the sea, sopphia yelping 'share market', michael saying i never 'done rag before', addy and her 'a-pe jer~', joshua and his views on random things while we burn time talking on long bus rides...

im entirely glad. and its all cause of mr GUI MING WAYNE, no, its not 'gui ming' its MING WAYNE. his father decided to give him a special name and chinese 'ming hui' isnt good enough he has to come up with 'ming wayne'. special enough, for a dude like him! frmph. *smirk*

and happy 22 to ADELINE CHOO LI MIN ADDY! our big mother and sister.
=) it was fantastic to get to know her on the trip, and she was taking care of us, and me, the whole time, with insect repellent, titbits, drinks, sunblock, lame jokes,... and throughout my lousy display of sportswoman volleyball skills she was positively reinforcing my actions so much i felt like a mouse pressing the level for pellets! pardon my psych. chapter 5 conditioning is my favourite. skinner is your friend, ha-ha [thats the dictionary-correct spelling of haha]

it was kind of weird, cause we were cracking horny jokes during the trip, but i suppose thats what you get when you have us crazy raggers, plus a self-proclaimed 'super horny, not just horny' hong jin, mc, the 'good christian girl' wannabe', push-up mr gui ming wayne and shrieking shazzy.



its all 24-7 from here.
goodbye to my freedom. but im not really sad about it.


when you have a bunch of friends, who have and are willing to go through fire and endure hardships together with you,

what else matters?
--------------------------------

all i can say is, i think we have very bad telepathy.

sometimes i have those girly imaginations about being able to read each other's thoughts when our phone battery dies or something but i realise these kind of things dont really work out in real life...
so when he came, looking worried, and his shirt all wet with pespiration, i felt bad that i didnt wait longer but loitered around and believed whole-heartedly on the depend-ability of modern technology.
but we looked just as relieved to find each other.

it was a good time.
i cant remember not having a good time, together.

when i pressed the bell and said,
this is my stop,

and his face fell,
and he said,
'huh, so fast?'

i wish the bus ride on 56 could last forever.

sometimes,
like when he laughs,
or when i get patted on the head,
i feel like im such a kid,
and that 2 years is such a big distance i cant fathom what its like to be on the other side.


sometimes i get really confused.
its the mixed messages we send out, its those small things, those little comments, those insignificant smses of concern, the looks that dont last a second...

but things shouldn't be.

at least... maybe not now.
but i wouldn't say i dont like how things are now.
i'll just take things one step at a time, and in my stride....

micro-managing kills too many brain cells.
--------------------------

a message from wife:

(=^^=) glad tt u're excited.
just think carefully again.
it's alright to back out as long as you haven't shave.
No matter what your decision is, remember
not to regret! If you decide not to shave, u can
still shave another day. If u decide to,
your hair will still grow back within
1/2 a year. So actually also no need to think
too hard. I'll support you regardless of your decision!
Rest well i'll see you tmr (=^^=)

with a wife like this,
sometimes i think,

who needs a husband?

----------------------------------

before going skinhead,
all in the name of charity, but more for self-fulfillment,

i just wanted to ask,




would you still love me,

without my locks?