im thinking about random things,

like how the clouds in the sky looked like they came from surrealist paintings;
how the cat sitting at the pantry has such a long furry tail;

and how my hair is growing back, albeit a tad too slowly.


its funny, because i was entirely exhausted during piecing yesterday, so when sopphia proceeded to rub my head/astroturf i was defenseless and made no effort to resist. the weird part is, funnily, i felt comforted by her gentle smoothing of the strands of my hair. but at the same time, being patted, i felt like a dog.

so maybe this is how dogs feel like.
its not that i dislike it much; its not a bad feeling, thats why i didnt resist.

--------------------------------------------

been frustrated with how things have been proceeding in my life, rag, mostly, in general.

frustrated with how useless i am as a potential disciple to se,
frustrated with the feeling that sometimes i get exploited to do somethings,
frustrated that we dont really seem to be going anywhere [or maybe its just me]
frsutrated that i havent managed to have the time to go home and talk things out with my father, whom i quarrelled with over rag,
frustrated i havent managed to see my mother much, despite going home last last week, and i miss her, more than anything
frustrated i havent had the time to visit mr m. even though i promised and wanted to, right before the holidays and rag started

frustration is evil,
so i used freudian techniques to turn these negative feelings into a constructive outcome; i.e. i used my brute strength in my fit of frustration and tried to scrape off dried off paint and mix it with hot water to churn it into reusable fresh paint.

its called *furiously flips psychology text*
ta-da,

• Sublimation. The refocusing of psychic energy (which Sigmund Freud believed was limited) away from negative outlets to more positive outlets. These drives which cannot find an outlet are rechannelled. In Freud’s classic theory, erotic energy is only allowed limited expression due to repression, and much of the remainder of a given group’s erotic energy is used to develop its culture and civilization. Freud considered this defence mechanism the most productive compared to the others that he identified. Sublimation is the process of transforming libido into ‘socially useful’ achievements, mainly art. Psychoanalysts often refer to sublimation as the only truly successful defense mechanism

interesting eh. i just didnt want to end up using transference and spreading the negative emotions so i tried to avoid people and talk less cause i knew if i did, what would come out from my mouth wouldnt be anything good, much, but people dont seem to understand.

generally, im not the type of girl who says 'leave me alone' but doesnt really want to be left alone.


i really hate people asking 'are you ok' because im obliged to say i am because the person asking is asking out of concern for my well-being but i really am not ok but i usually say i am anyway.
if you dont ask, its better that way; its easier to hang on.

at the same time, i feel touched, which is conflicting, so it poses a new dilema to me, on top of my already present problems/frustrations.



ok, im a little sleepy.
how now?