its a little weird to be blogging at 8 23am when everyone else is sleeping and while im supposed to be on sentry duty, but 4 hours of cutting plastic 'chocolate' containers would quite suffice for now, until i take a shower and retreat to cut some more.

today was a good day, because generally things went pretty well.
except maybe i keep thinking about certain things, which are insignificant and not worth mentioning, like how slowly my hair is growing, and how it's affecting my self-projected image and how i intend to dress and act.

sometimes if people say something about me, i will think that, i want to act the part.
for example,
like when ash said that 'i'm better than a boyfriend' the first time i sent her home,
i suddenly felt quite manly and strong and protective and tall [its not that i am tall, ash is just well, not so tall. anyway height is always a matter of comparison. if everyone was 150, i'd be considered a giant ok. that's in a parallel universe. if it exists. that is. sigh.]

but thats not important.

so anyway someone today said that i look just like a young boy, or something like that.
and geok also tagged saying that i look like a small boy now.
and i just realised.

that my features are pretty androgynous.
i wonder if thats a good thing or not. hmmm. *ponders*
i suppose if i covered my assets and spoke in a slightly lower-than-my-current voice maybe it would be convincing and that i could pass off as a guy.

im pretty confused as to how to dress now, cause everything just looks weird when you have little hair. except maybe a monk's robes, which would suit me pretty well, i reckon. *smirk*

which reminds me, my new nickname, affectionately coined by my biggest boss, who also happens to be a botak now, is 'small monk' in chinese. esther says i shouldnt respond to it, or refer to myself using the term, but i dont dislike it. just like i dont dislike sopphia or hui ro caressing my astro turf when they see me. its a pretty nice snuggly feeling, but funny in a way.
weird-funny, not haha-funny.

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its rather amusing at how slow to react i can be, because
the other day last week i was cutting some edges of the l bar thing, and i looked down and just realised,

oh, how come theres a sticky patch of red stuff on my big toe area.

oh.
its blood.
hmm.
oh. i have a cut
*gets up to wash slipper, then foot*
*calmly puts on plaster*

then i got tekanned by my boss again, for not wearing shoes. not like he's any better! he doesnt wear his properly loh! he barely puts the front of his feet inside, with the heels sticking out. amusing! but he's one amusing fella. i ve never and doubt i will ever see someone as happy sleeping on a flat surface like a 5-ply or cardboard as him. doubly amusing. and the stuff he says, really random and sometimes annoying, but its pretty quite when he doesnt talk, which is slightly worrying, because he's usually full of nonsense. but quite a bit of the nonsense is a lot of good stuff, though maybe others may think it's sai kang.

and the way he qcs is quite infectious, though slightly irritating.

now i've been influenced, much to my disdain!
im a masking tape nazi now! any creases and DIE!!! REDO REDO REDO!!!!
heh.


but one thing that REALLY, REALLY gets on my nerve is,
it has to be the EXACT moment, when he comes over to check up on me and see if things are going smoothly
i HAVE to suddenly find an incredibly horrendous mistake, which plunges me into the infinite depths of misery and sorrow and desperation and guilt and shame and inferiority
its like,

DAMN, NOT AGAIN!

sigh.
i mean,
why couldnt i have found out the mistake earlier?
it HAS to be when he comes to supervise.
its like,

kanasai, blistering bollocks balderdash!
*heaves a sigh*

you cant blame me for my black face.




frmph. *disgruntled*
it's more a general disappointment towards myself.
but i've kind of taken the occurance as some kind of sign.

it's like ive been conditioned so badly, that whenever he comes, i immediately feel my stomach churning and know that its a bad omen and that i m in deep shit, or will be soon.
bollocks.

there's no logical cause-effect link between his appearance and the occurance of the mistake, but its happened so many times i cant help but subconsciously link them together. darn!


and he thinks that im pissed with him. ha.
amusing.

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on the other hand,
j got a room! YAY HURRAH! *dances around *
but he says there's strings attached [of course la, DUH].
hmmm. =) at least there's one more motivation to stay in hall.

and hurrah, in n number of hours, where n is a very small integer, my idol, my ambition, my guiding light, my lead, the top master's student, the diligent model student, the close-to-perfect-cap-score-if-not-for-one-a-minus graduate will officially graduate.
oh, he happens to be my father.

how not to feel inferior !
there's so much to live up to; his legacy; his rich wealth of knowledge [of which i will never be able to hang on to, probably not even 1/n of it, where n is a very large number] and his love for the chinese language and culture [which i ve partially inherited but not really continued]

and did i tell you i love semi-collens? im quite sure i spelt that wrongly but never mind i was always the kid with a sulky face and yucky grades when the spelling test was given out in primary 2. frmph. semi-collens give me the power to write all strings of not-so-relevant nonsense together in a IMMENSELY LONG SENTENCE, which i really really like. heh heh, all this illegal legitimacy [oh the irony]

*big smile*



im thinking if i should stun my father by turning up in a dress for his convocation,
but i'd think i'd stun his teachers and classmates more with my seemingly-confused sense of dressing and image. [botak head + chor loh way of acting+talking + feminine dress = confused girl going through late puberty having problem with self-image]

speaking of which,
i really AM confused with who i am, or who i want to become, but well.

i suppose i could speak in a feminine manner,
but that wouldnt be me,

would it?