feeling tired.

mentally and physically.

sometimes when the metal bits come flying out from the grinder and go into my eyes, despite my following safety regulations and wearing supposedly-super safe goggles, the tears well up in my eyes and i wonder if its because im sad or because of the irritation from the bits.

i look at my coarse and fingers, and sometimes i think to myself,
these are a labourer's hands. dirty, peeling, with some grub, hardened yellow glue, and goodness knows what else. these same pair of hands used to be smooth, fair, a tad stubby perhaps, but an artist's hands nonetheless. and i question, and i reprimand, and i try to substantiate my actions, my behaviour, the result, the outcome.

i know its the same for everyone, though not everyone is cutting metal bars with a metal grinder because the bars are freaking crazy- each side is a different angle so the metal bar cutter cant be used, but everyone is suffering the same. sleeping the same less-than 8 hours, trying to struggle and fight through the 16 hour shifts, juggling external commitments and obligations...

sometimes i just wish....


but i never regret.
regret is something that has never come to my mind.

tiring, exhausting, difficult, hard, painful, but, it was my choice, my decision, unfazed, unaffected by others nonetheless. despite the numerous advices from various people, i made my decision to do it. and so, here i am.


sometimes i get the feeling i'm exploited, because it really pulls my morale to see some people seemingly slacking off or doing the easy stuff, but i know it isnt the case. what addy said about integrity is right. the problem with me is that i wish, ideally, for every other team mate to commit to the same extent as i am willing to. in reality... well...
i should just trust that others are not slacking off while i'm working.
whether or not it's the case,
i'll feel better anyway.


i worked with se for some things recently. cant help but feel like we [myself included] are depending on him too much. but sometimes i think, we're all rookies; he's the small boss, so its just a learning process, and a way to get experience. sometimes i feel bad that im not able to do things fast enough to meet his speed and expectations, or not do it well enough...

sometimes im just so tired, i dont want to do ot, i just want to go back to rest.
but with a boss like that, so driven, though sometimes somewhat exploitative [if there's such a word sorry im brain dead now] and so understanding [his group has the best welfare. its really so touching when he gets the fan so we can not work and end up all sweaty, and when he switches off the lights in the foyer room when i nap during break time, though i think he'd wish i were working instead...]


sometimes i think im tied too hard to obligation and expectation.


i'm really not as good, as efficient, as experienced as you guys think! [if you think so]
im new to all this; i just want to learn the ropes like a rookie would...


i just hope i can hang on longer till the next phase comes in; i feel myself telling me i need to escape soon... its a bad feeling... and it cant happen now, not when we re down to 17, the smallest number of raggers in recent years, making the most amount of things and mechanisms...

responsibility comes first.
i think my mother was/is right. very soon i will die as a result of obligation.

but for now,
i live to fight another day.
--------------------------------------

nothing much recently in terms of relationships with people.

just feel like im drifting from wayne, cause we're not talking much, but before that we werent originally anyway. its like you know the eye contact thing? during talking? he doesnt do it much. i wonder if he thinks im slacking off, or i should stick to my shift and not overwork, or really im just reading into things too much. another extreme example of eye contact is se. he gives immensely a lot of eye contact while talking, it makes me scared sometimes.

,maybe im just being anal. ha-ha.

i think its weird to have rachel stay opposite me, with ming wayne, cause... its just weird.
and its weirder that she called me 'princess', because im sure anyone would agree that that noun is the last word anyone would use to describe me. even olga is closer, can? coming from someone who is more princesscy. well... just peculiar. maybe she hasnt seen me for too long.

i cant quite imagine her without hair. she said she wanted to shave for hair for hope as well but her parents disallowed. well, true, granted sometimes these things... im glad my parents are liberal when it comes to things like charity; donating blood, shaving to support cancer patients... its only hair anyway!

somehow i dont think rachel would really do it even if her parents said yes, but maybe then again not... but i remember rachel plaiting her hair, and looking so delighted. the girl has a thing for plaiting her hair, tying it in different styles, etc... maybe its a fetish! goodness knows. =) i suppose hair = image... its just like how most girls value their hair as an important part of themselves...


but its not easy being botak.
i mean, maybe if you see me, you think i laugh, talk, walk around normally, comfortably and naturally, but i get rather miffed but the looks and stares from passers-by sometimes. its entirely annoying to the extent some people really just stare blankly and i get so pissed i stare back and smirk, heh, never seen a botak before ah.

i know its human nature to stare at societal anti-stereotypes, but...

now i have a taste of what its like being a cancer patient. just a tiny one, but painful regardless. but it certainly has made me and will make me stronger... despite it being just hair! amazing, these things.. it can be difficult to just walk with your head up high normally out in the streets...

but there's nothing to be shameful of. im liking my astroturf. *rubs head*

im entirely sure this is all for the best. sometimes i purposely do somethings that may be difficult for me, because i want to become stronger...


come to think of it,
i thought through the decision carefully, and i thought it would be alright, that it would be easy,
but still when the stares came, and when the locks fell off, it still wasn't.
it is/was a lot harder than i imagined.

hair is something special for me i suppose, because if i get any compliments from people, 9/10 of the time it would surely be about my 'nice black', 'smooth', 'shiny', 'beautiful' hair. i've had girls come up to me, their eyes all shining and watery, telling me they love my hair.
i pick up a stand, look at it quizzically, thank them briefly and shrug it off.

i suppose you never appreciate it till its gone. hair today, gone tomorrow. HA-HA.

its absurd, but sometimes i used to use my hair to cover my face, which i am not-so-fond-of.
long hair elongates the round face, so my face can look less pau-like. but now...

it's funny how looks matter so much... maybe less now... now i'm walking around, blatantly flashing my pau face, and round botak head. *smirk*


i dont really know how to end this post off, since my brain is semi-dead, and i have 1 hr left to sleep before my REAL shift starts, but well.
i'm doing ok,

and you can rub my head for good luck.