Okay. Hmm about today.Lets start with the much anticipated physics test. BAH>Its like(haha its not like) I really seriously tot I was prepared for it, at least enuf for me to pass or sth, but evidently reality always proves my instincts wrong, especially when it comes to this kind of stuff, studies and such.But I guess its okay right? I mean most of us failedBut that doesnt give me an excuse to fail too right? I studied pretty hard, moderately la, memorized definitions quite well and stuff, but I guess not practicing enuf led to my downfall. All definition and formulas is of no bloody use, shuld practice, just like math.After the test.Went home to slack and rest for a while cos like not very good if I out all day, so I went home. Went online, hardly anyone except like jie wei and xiao mi but I was updating la so didnt chat muchEnded up all the stuff I updated, that I burnt one hour on, was all deleted accidentally(OH YES<>_<> Updated a lot. Mostly about what I dislike other people to call me, I cant stand being called cute and bubbly, esp at this age, I take it as more of an insult than a compliment. Seriously who doesnt want to be pretty instead of CUTE and BUBBLY like the huge bear you have lying on the other end of your bed? Sad lah, sometimes, but I cant change that I guess. Cutting hair tmr, looking forward to it, like with anticipation vs a little trepidation haha wonder what my new sucky hairstyle will be like. BOLLOCKS!Its like a sort of promise, everytime when my hair is getting long and I have to decide to keep or cut, I will always cut. Its like a yue1 ding4 I have with myself.I dont like to keep long hair because I don’t want to be misunderstood, because my reason for possibly keeping long hair is not to make myself look more feminine or pretty or for the person I like or just because im a girl or anything.I just like the idea of long hair, its damn nice. But its not really me. so, bye bye. Theres sth in the new cedar diary at the end, some TEN STEPS TO SUCCESS crap. One line read sth like dont expect sth to change to suit you, you should change yourself to suit it so you wont have such a hard time. Weiling and darell said buying clothes and shoes for me very hard cos I really expect the clothes or shoes to be the embodiment of me, like totally ME, like oozing with my character or sth, but its hard to find stuff like me, haha, you agree?Tried out some green skirt at that whats it called Samuel and Kevin haha yay they took off the yucky F4 posters, a total turnoff. The skirt is nice, but im not used to it I guess.Plus im really broke and I have to buy a new school bag, a proper one, not a sling one, and a new pair of shoes, the hole in my right shoes is getting largerCant stand it sometimes when people like fan and weiling complain to me about how unsightly or fat and ugly their arms and legs are. Pisses me off. You dont see ME complaining about my size, right?>_<> Went for class bbq at tweenys house after that. Haha so funny bready was wearing a shirt that was the same shade of blue as the hung (OH YES, IT IS WHAT YOU THINK, WILLIAM HUNG) shirt he wore last time hahahaStoned around a little while. Saw heng for the first time in like, 5 months? But it was a weird kind of feeling, I didnt feel like he was that damn cocky and full of sh*t guy who was my orientation dance partner and my lab bench partner. He was, someone else. Some guy who was just sitting on the other couch next to me. Plain weird. But you zhi and him hit it off so well, they picked up exactly like where they left off last time. I guess you zhi will never ever find a guy which can talk cock with him and be his toilet buddy so well like Eugene. Their chemistry is like, oozing in huge abundant amounts, haha. And poor bready, like he always get bullied around. I treat my soft toy hippo very well bready, dun worry! :)Fast forward the stoning part. Really quite xian la, took so long to start fire, reminds me of last time 4c class bbq me and weiling dear were like fanning the damn fire like mad, and smearing charcoal on our faces, taking photos pretending to be !kung bushmen haha. Lolx. And I rmbr the fanning carried on till like 3a m in the morning. And when weiling dear wanted to bathe, the tap just came off when she turned it and the water like spurted out like from some huge jet spray or sth. We were drenched. So it was shui3 shen2 huo3 re4 haha. Lolx. Today more slack la, stoned a little, took photos and stuff. Ate a little, watched a lot.I must say, ming feng is one very sensitive guy, bu4 kui1 he is our grand ogl haha as in ogl of our ogls. Its like he seems to see everything la, or is it I have all my emotions written over my face? >_<> It was ten already, so I couldnt stay since I promised mom I d reach home by 11(ming feng was like, WOAH, Cinderella version2, must reach home one hour ealier lolx), and so I just left.I guess the guys over did it. I mean even though fan acts tough and guysih sometimes, its very clearly evident that shes a girl. Maybe you can say she cant take her own jokes or whatever, but its like, shes a girl, sometimes guys should have the discretion to know when to stop. I guess im pretty much used to it already, cos everything get treated like a guy and being asked to be a man(stupid ant), but fan is still a girl, she can tease you zhi and the guys and stuff, but sometings the guys just shuld not do back!Her eyes were all red and watery, and I felt kind of helpless. Its like, I dont know if I should just leave her be, or sit there try to comfort her and talk to her or sth.I rmbr last time heng didnt realy like fan cos he tot she had bad temper and mood swings or sth, but I guess shes really sensitive, and her feelings are really really fragile and so easily hurt. And what does he know? He ll never know how she felt towards gan die. Haiz. All this, and so much crap. I guess im a pretty useless friend, tell me how can I make fan smile? Cos when shes crying it makes me feel sad.I want to hug her and stuff, and be there for her, but I dont want to be turned away , saying that shes not sad and pissed or whatever and just leave her alone :(Can someone tell me where to draw the line?Only a girl will ever know how another girl feels.Does that mean that I am a girl>?

okay im feeling kinda pissed now cos the stuff i wrote for the past 15 min has been accidentally deleted by a accidentally press of the backspace button.whatever.

okay i guess u awful bor liao/supportive/bored readers out there must be really bored by my continuous monotous (not that u can hear my voice haha) ranting about my life my complaints my feelings my emotions my happenings so i ll write about what i like abotu others and what i wish i could be like others

i wish i was as slim and co0l as fanny as cute and adorable as jasmine and auddie as huggable as jiwei and ying xiu as comfortable as hui hui and kairu as perky as kimmy and joyce as interesting as jia hui as engaging as michy and shaun as trusty as serene as lovable as sher as talk cock as yichao ant and heng as blur as tiong as war kao as bready as zai as li jing as rational as rambutan as friendly as sida as diao as ck

bah. and lots more, but im forgot.too long, and the list goes on...

but im not, im just me.
like i read in a book, im special, cos
im
specially ordinary. frmph, whatever.>_<

sometimes i wish i were a guy, more freedom, more frankness more boldness more confidence more more more more so much more.
but i m not. bah.

well, sometimes lifes just not fair i guess. ill have to make do with this.

yay.cant believe it, got jayz new album liao hahaha yeah couldnt stand the itch la...
:D thanks ck, i owe u one, haha after i ve memorise the songs i like and carbon copied the lyrics into my slow lousy brain, i ll return u haha. anyway u said no need to return u ripped off the entire thing into ur comp ritez haha.
hahas, also tanks for eating wif me the other day after pw lahz haha pai seh lah, nearly pang sai you hahaha :D tanx lots.

listening to jie4 kou3 (excuse) song number 4... damn nice.
the first time i heard it was when i saw the mv on mtv...
it sort of had an impact on me like some other mvs do, but its very extremely rare, and i hadnt felt that sort of impact for a long, long time...
the mv was quite simple, the concept was maybe overused, even
the story was mainly abt a couple(jay and this european girl) who had broken up,and there he was, playing his electric guitar downstairs her house, trying to conivince her to frogive him...
it wasnt the 'romantic' stuff or wadtever, in fact the idea was so stereotyped that i sort of was sick of it...
but it was someting in the girls eyes, her disposition...the way she walked around her kitchen, opened the window,saw him there,gently closed back the window...

i guess some things cant be changed. sometings are just not meant to be.
so chances, once lost, cant be found again....

maybe you ve already given up hope in me
maybe its very hard for you to turn back
i know i missed the chance
please give me a reason why you dont love me
even if i dont understand
can you forgive me
please dont make breaking up your request
i know insisting on leaving
is the excuse for your being hurt
please turn back
i will walk with you to the end...


if u want to go, please remember me.
if u feel sad, please forget me.

if you had been betrayed before
if you had been deeply hurt before
would you be able to forgive that someone?
would you be able to trust that someone ever agaiN?
would you find the courage/foolishness to love the person again?
do you believe in second chances?

sometimes trust can only be given once
sometimes theres only one try in life
once lost
it can never be found again...

ok, im getting paranoid over that song. haha, been a long time since i heard a song/seen a mv that made me think so much...my brain was perpetually flooded with emotions, thoughts...
:) its a nice feeling. i like the song...if i would be attached in future and if brEAk up were the only outcome, i d like the theme song of my love story to be this song...

haha. okay, emm update of my boring grey life...
well, stupid maths test finally over. i m glad to say i ll be able to pass at least, according to my intuition la,that is, which is extremely inaccurate when it comes to stuff like maths >_<
i rmrb got one question i drew //ola instead of hyper bola! wait, opps its the opposite...
oh well. haha,heck la, more to come...
cant help it, the song is ringing in my head...

oh. today later afternoon supposed to go sajc to support sher...but im been officially grounded...sort of half by myself and half by my parents...after my mom talked to me, we bith met a consensus that i ve spent too much time doing stuff thats not academic related and after getting all those cca points and cip hours, whats most important is still my studies, which have not been very stable...so i ll go out less often during weekends and try to utilise weekends to the fullest...

JIA YOU SHER!!!!!! GO GIRL AND WIN THE BIGGGGIE PRRRIZEEEE YOU CAN DO IT !!!!!!!!
haha, well feel bad abt not being there to catcall and give my support...at least i ll try to pass ck flowers to pass to her later...hmmm what to write on the card? tee hee...l ll rite, wish i could be there! but sunflowers arent too bad either ritez haha :D
someone told me, my smile, my genuine smile, is like sunshine.
somewhat, my personality is like a sunflower...i follow the sun wherever it goess...there will be sad times when the sky is dark, but i ll always be the bright cheery sunflower...
when will i find my sun?
hahas. an interesting thought.

why do i feel like im styll not content wif life despite being so lucky, so fortunate?
i dont know...oh wells.
shen zai fu zhong bu zhi fu....

every year i try very hard to forget my birthday, i try very very hard...when i almost succeed, theres always someone there to remind me...i dunno, i guess to me birthday is not something imptnt...unless the person who celebrates it wif me, or pple who wish me happy bday or gif me prezzies really mean a lot to me...birthday is not about greta presents...its about being together with pple u care abt, to pass another milestone in your life....
:) i am 16 going on 17....

i m keeping my hair until next week...i guess i like the feeling of keeping my hair till my 17 birthday :) its a nice feeling... but i d like to cut it after that, cos i dont want to keep...
im not like those other girls who keep long hair, pretty and all...the feeling is really different...for me, long hair has always been a sort of like, but i never tot of actually keeping it, my keeping short hair is a sort of resistance...because im not like those other girls.... would you understand?...

dunno what was wrong wif me this thurs, i actually dreaded going to school...so i begged wif my mom not to go to school...she was absolutely shocked/angry/whatever cos i had never ever displayed such childish/unreasonable/weird/whatever behaviour all 10 years of my schooling life...
she told me better go see doctor if i stay at home cos i told her my throat felt weird...
lucky i listened to her, turned out to be throat infection...
when i fall sick its always those people who are the first to ask, the first to show their concern...
ck, sida,etc...
tanks pple. :) juz want to say dat does smses really mean a lot to me :)

feeling a little sad. not for any particular reason.
dont worry, im a happy sunflower, whatever the weather, wherever the sun is, rmbr?
its just a sort of feeling i have sometimes...sadness is a familar part of me ...

if you want to go, please remember me...
if you feel sad, please forget me...

Hmm. What can I say? Feels like its been ages since I last updated but its been only since like Tuesday. And did I mention that on Wednesday my headache miraculously healed? Weird. And I even went out to eat with princess and rambutan. Lolx.
Hmmm looked at my memory card today and luffed my head off at the youzhi-aaron-orange-tshirt scandal photos hahahaha and the ones of you zhi and kimmy meditating by the fountain side
Haha so funny.

Anyways, I shall be neat and copy cks method of updating
[Tuesday]
Went out wif princess and rambutan to eat at swensons. Apparently they were armed with a secret weapon : a voucher for free earthquake! Man, it was so shiok lolx, I was the last man/woman left standing, I mean, still eating. Rambutan and princess both quite full after main course but I was styll going on strong loh hahaha.:P Its like, IM GOOD LOH. Whatever. Den we walked around a bit and went home le.

[Wednesday]
Hmm, cant really rmbr wat happened, should be quite xian cos went back to school after such a long but uneventful weekend. Wednesday we had pw and stupid chem. Spa which was damn easy but I forgot dat need to choose two close values and used all four instead :( whatever loh, its like, over liao, I cant do anything le, I just hope theres error carry forward or sth. Got my photos back from hs, but left it in the classroom, which got locked :( haiz. Den had comm. Meeting which lasted longer than expected but was quite fun, can feel the comm. Really sticking together.:) we could really work this out! And I obediently went home for dinner while some of them went to eat at kap.

[Thursday]

Bahhh, all I could rmbr was dat I was supposed to be darn happy cos we end early at one twenty on Thursdays but instead I was damn sad cos dat mr teo asked to meet the parents of all those pple who got 07 and worse to see him during the parent teacher meet thingy, which is me, I got a 08. man, I was so sad, cos like just two days ago I showed my mom the darn letter and she was like, so any teacher want to see me and I was like, no, (at dat time). And den mr teo wants to see her.
Its like, I didn’t do well mainly cos I slacked a lot and mugged quite last min, unprepared. Its not like after talking to my mom he can miraculously make me mug 10 times harder or sth, its really up to me, and im mature enough to know what to do. Which is why I tink parent meet teacher is basically useless unless u really cant cope or have a serious attitude problem. Then, mooned around a bit, and then when my mom came back, told her about it. To me and my mom this Parent teacher thingy is a sort of mutual thing cos shes never had to go to any of my parent teacher meets before cos my behaviour and academics has been basically okay. And den now, but she was so understanding that I was like, >_<. Haiz. Haha, but turns out she agreed with me and she said she dun want to go, cos like I said, its really up to me to mug, seeing the teacher wont make a big diff la. :D mom rocks.

[Friday]

Typed out and gave mr teo the letter he requested dat I gif becos my mom wasnt going fridday was mostly some blur cos i was just waiting for the bell to go at three so i could chiong all the way to citylink mall to see if they had the happy house photo album dat i wanted and they did haha yay damn ex but damn nice can put my germany pics inside.
choir prac was like debrief and prep talk and then voice training, which was damn fun, shrieking and doing dat verbrato thingy hahaha lolx.i shriek really high pitched but not shrill and loud enuf i guess, haha comes from inexperience, u never hear me shrieking rite, not even screaming lo, wad u expect. haha oh ck and leeting dropped by to see us.

[saturday]

haha supposed to go out and mug wif mich and choir gang but audd asked me out first last last weekend to go celebrate pets birthday so i went. lala la went j 8 swensons AGAIN haha but no more earthquake la haha i had choc malt and hs had choc freckles and tamer and princess had sticky chewy choc and princess got a apple crumble thingy which was damn nice*droolz* haha. And my appetite was huge, as usual. Stoned arnd in seiyu the sports shoes section while we waited for knight to come, I watched hs play his hnadphone rpg game and tamer and princess stoned. Lolx den when knight came hs and I became reluctant to leave, he wanted to play his rpg game which he closed without saving accidentally TWO TIMES, lolx. And my bum was in love with the seat. Den knighty looked at my photo album and complained abt me calling him CMI so many times lolx sorry it should be FORGET IT haha. Whatever. Den we took a very nice neoprint haha damn fun, and knighty look so retarded in all but one of the neoprints haha den hon seng just looked plain xian.
Tired, I guess.

Im tired too, after updating so much. I hope this sesame and green bean(say in Chinese) is enuf for all you hungry readers out there. Yeps. Thats all.

Wahhh, I cant believe its Tuesday morning liao.
And I havent got anything done yet, not homework, not pw research.
Not to mention the fact that im supposed to go out and mug with princess and royal pet
:(
Princess must be really sad
Haiyah >_< oh man make me feel so bad... actually im pretty okay now, except I doubt my mom would let me go out today, after yesterdays ordeal...

About yesterday.
Must be talk too late. Stayed up till arnd maybe two? Doing pw stuff and talking to ck and jia hui felt damn hyper cos I took a nap so I tot I d be fine
Budden turns out....

Okay then I went to sleep and woke up feeling okay.
Went to take bus to clementi to meet youz hi and kim and ming juan and aaron, but turns out I was the earliest, stoned around a bit and stuff , people were giving me weird stares cos I was wearing the huge oversized choir pull over in the sizzling heat but I looked pretty much indifferent
Maybe cause I was wearing sleeveless inside? Lolx and the long bus ride was really cold...
I m starting to get worried abt myself, im usually not that afraid of the cold...
Then stoned around a bit and tried to read up the whole stack of adoption procedures and stuff and waited patiently for the rest to come.
Then you zhi came haha so funny lolx, cos I told him I d give him a special present cos he kept telling me lame/CORNY stuff the previous day, so I asked him to close his eyes and put a corny bar into him hand HAHAHHAHA. And as expected his face scrunched up into the extremely diao expression which I hadn't seen for quite some time...

:) war haha talking to you zhi is so fun :D hahaha.
Okkies then he was like saying can use that stupid corny bar, whenever someone say sth corny he can take it out and show them and watch their very diao expression...
And he was like, not bad, the expiry date is next year, I can use this for one whole year...

Bah.
Then aaron came, and I was like WAAAAAAAAAHHAHAAAHAHAAahahHAHAHAH
You know why? Hahaha cos both of them wore orange shirts and light coloured pants! >_< man, looks like qing2 lv3 zhuang4 lolx. Hahahahah so funny I can show you their scandalous pictures next time, I will go develop.
Hahaha then as if it was a sort of curse, for the rest of the day we kept seeing random people wearing orange shirts and the effect was, of course, hilarious.
Even ming juan wore an orange shirt haha
Was kinda weird walking behind you zhi aaron and ming juan, seeing them all wear orange op t shirts, lolx, hahah see the effects of globalization? Hahah

Then we went to kims house to do pw.>_<
That was when my head started cracking. Felt kind of weird co sim not the type of person who has headaches frequently so I tot it was maybe just a small thing and it would pass in a while.
But it didnt . and it was weird cos my forehead was feeling damn hot, and i couldn’t think properly and stuff. I tot it was just neck ache and fatigue or sth but it wasnt la I guess.
After lunch I really started to die off, felt so bad abt not really doing much, just lying on the floor cos my head felt like it cracked open and some horrible migraine was going thru.
>_< and I just lay on the floor with the flap of the cardboard box covering my head from the sunlight which sprayed from the window
Really bright and sunny and my head hurt a lot.
Nearly couldnt get my head off the ground, took a lot of effort.

Then got princess and rambutans msg and missed calls asking me if I wanted to go to the ndp >_< man, I sure wanted to go lo :( haiz but I still had pw at that time , not to mention I was nearly a dead person and wasn't contributing much at all.

Lucky I asked kim for some panadol and took it and rested a while, when I sort of got up near the end, I started talking and cobntributing again. In fact, near the end everyone was tired but I think only me and kim and ming juan were still focused. Haha maybe cos by that time I had taken four panadol pills and the pain had sort of slowly died off or sth.
But a bit bad cos it made me feel more woozy.

Like a sheep? I don't know, I ve always mentally associated sheep with being woozy, like very erm blur, you know? Whatever la.

The ck sms me to tell me happily he was going to watch ndp with princess and rambutan. And when I read it I was half dead already. Luckily the pain didnt affect my hands and fingers, can styll message haha but my head was reluctant to leave the ground despite it being so damn uncomfortable and hard...
And I was like, oh… help me tell..princes..s and..rambutan sorry...I cannt go..
Lolx >_< and ck was like, you okay not? Cos I told him abt the fever and head ache.

Nah, luckily we ended soon after that, cos everyone was in a dead mood and it was a damn bad day to do pw anyway.
It was a long wait at the bus stop. Took another two pills, felt even more woozy.:p
You zhi was doing some goofy stuff, I tink, but my grouchy mood styll wouldnt leave, felt kind of bad, make other people try so hard to cheer me up... >_< but seriously all I wanted was to put my head on my lovely bed...

Took 154 and slept all the way to toa payoh and then got off and changed bus and went home to sleep more.
Felt so bad cos I sort of threw my temper at my mom :( but she was so nice to me cos I was unwilling to wake up to eat but she was like, you HAVE to wake up to eat, eat le den go sleep girl!
And I was kind of pissed at my dad for turning the volume on so loudly, not considering the fact that my room was next door, I was trying to catch some rest and there he was, putting the volunme up at near full blast, watching the ndp....>_<
But my dads oblivious, its not his fault, which is why I tink most of our family is tone deaf or sth, cos we were used to hearing stuff very LOUD...esp my dad and me...

Haiz.
Yay, now no more headache and fever liew :) and cramps also...but how come so weird got cramps one..
I understand that headache is the worst in the whole wide world compared to any other possible illness or whatever.
Hahaha. I really need more sleep. Should I pon lessons tmr? :p

Btw, reallt thanks to all you guys who tried to make me smile :)
Ck, sida, you zhi haha thanks a lot :)
And really sorry couldnt go out wif you guys,
Princess and rambutan

La la la. Did I tell you I feel blessed?
I feel blessed.

~a ray of sunlight, and a drop of the rain ~

i forgot the time
i forgot the day
i lost track of time
lost in a daze.

i forgot the sun
it forgot to shine
the sky was dark
but it wasnt raining today.

you said you were there
but i never saw you
you said you needed me
as much as i needed you

i know somethings arent meant to be
maybe just like you and me
like the sun will only shine for you
and the clouds will only rain for me.

maybe when i see you again, you will love me.
and i will find the courage to love you in return.

The aftermath

Just finished bathing, feeling kind of tired, after all the hard work, joy, sweat(LOTS of it, in fact >_< especially while teaching and choreoging the comm dance ) fun, laughter (tears of other people of course, I wun t cry one anyway, even if the last person on earth cried I styll wun t . anyway now I feel like crying, nearly did, but all for the wrong reasons. Forget that, don’t want to talk about it.)

I guess it was worth it, all those dance remedial lessons, extra hours, extra hard work and sweat, when we saw the seniors come, all the hard work we did just finished in less than one hour >_< it was so fast I didn’t really get to enjoy it, the fruits of our labour.

Okay lets start with the medley. We were pretty good this afternoon when we came back for extra practice (no actually I was in school since 9 in the morning today ) and so was the same for the comm. Dance when I told the comm. To get serious and do properly with style, and also the really cute comm songs. But then when we performed we seriously flopped, in my personal opinion. To me, that was really a disappointing performance, personally as a performer I would have been very angry at myself for giving such a lousy performance ( or being part of it, adding to it, whatever ) but the whole motive of the farewell is not to really make a good performance, but rather to entertain the seniors, make them laugh, make them touched, make them want to cry.
And we did it. So I guess we did succeed in some way, but I styll feel sad.

Maybe this is not the kind of ending I wanted to have >_< but then again, like theres a choice to what sort of ending one can have to a story. If this is the way its meant to be, its just meant to be kept this way, right? I really dont know.

Bah, comm. Dance, dont want to talk about it, lolx, so many people were talking about it after the whole thing and I was feeling quite sad. I guess we did achieve our motive to entertain the seniors but seriously we goofed up and of course, needless to say, I feel sad about that. But the seniors liked the funny gay way the actions were carried out or sth, found it funny. So I guess its good.

In some way this ending was a happy one because we goofed up messed up whatever some parts of the performance. How ironic, but at least we styll made it, in some way, right?

Oh and I felt like I really just did not take enough photos and stuff. Lolx.

But thru this experience I ve gotten to know some comm.people so much better ( like Cheryl and Juanita and ben whom I did not really know previously ) and we ve become much more close than before, ( not to mention we also discovered some flaws in our comm early, which is good cos we can try to deal with it and solve it now rather than to panic when it surfaces later ). Ash has been a great prez, so much initiative and drive and energy, sometimes I feel like just giving her a hug cos she always has so many things to do, so many places to go, so many people to take care of. Haha of course theres lame sida haha so dependable and always there. And the girls really worked damn hard for the comm. Dnace, theylearnt it in like, two days? And the guys too, haha even though it was kind of unwillingly initially. But I guess we all managed to pull through as a comm. And we can always aim to do better in future.

I guess after the climatic high ( is there such a word? >_< whatever. ) theres always the low crest. So I guess I fall right into that spot now. Don’t ask me why la, I wun tell you haha. :( it’s a sort of personal sulk, and a sort of reflection and a sort of ren4 xing4 I guess, im just like that, I ll be fine after a while, usually.)

Im feeling kinda childish now, you know, unreasonable, spoilt, bratty, irritating, annoying, whatever undesirable traits can probably all be found in me right now, but just let me act unreasonable for this while, let me be a kid for a while, co sim feeling sad, im feeling selfish, whatever. >_<

You understand what im saying? No one probably does. If you do, you probably think you know me well but dont or have a brain problem or sth.

Oh well, felt kinda relieved to be rid of myself of all those very extremely HEAVY and BULKY presents which I so tediously lugged to school this morning at nine am. Lolx, im sure I must have looked super buay song when I was about to get off the bus and had to start carrying the HUGE bag again and lug it over the overhead bridge and all the way into school. Shoot, even forgot my phone, left it to rot in bed, charged it but alas, i forgot it, so what was the freaking point?
Its like, whats the point of doing things sometimes when you already know the result?


>_<

Shit, im starting to switch to my crazy mood, I better go sleep le, will start spamming nonsense which after I do, I will regret ever spamming it in the first place for the rest of my life.

Okay, off to sleep. It has been a long and eventful day, and I say I actually liked it, despite it not being what I expected what it would turn out like. Okay, nuf said. Sleep le.

Ps you ll only get to read this shit tomorrow co sim way too lazy to go online now and get into an argument with my dad for coming home so late and using the comp so late.
Whatever.

i ll feel like shit if i dont cry, so should i ???.....

okay, shall update here due to the not so gentle reminder of a very moody and lazy ex tenor sl lolx.

update of my life, so far-

with fanny, things are styll the same, dunno wats wif her, im trying hard but since she wants it to be like this then let things be, cause its a two way thing, but she ll always be my friend,and i ll always keep that pic of me and her together cos at least in the pic she and i are hugging and smiling and happy.

studies.crapp la.time to mug big time after farewell. but till then HU CARES?

family. okay lah nothin much going on :) my mom and dad styll rock hahha and my sis s toooh

okay enuf said, shall digress...

rmbr during gp lesson the other day ducro was going thru metaphors with the class or sth teaching us how to make much metaphors and identify and understand etc,. and he was like suddenly, what is love like? and he was shooting this question at random pple in the class and pple with rumours of erhem, u noe what lolx.and elizabeth said sth like love is like a meteor shower....and my first immediate thought was like, wow, thats so like unrealistic and maybe very romantic and beautiful and maybe a little naive...

i mean the whole lesson pple were like thinking about boy girl love and stuff...and the whole time i was wondering...isnt family and friends also in the circle of love?

actually love is a word that many pple dun dare to say, and even in my family we dont use it freely at all, we tend not to be so expressive of our affections and emotions and stuff, but i feel the parental lov and love from my siblings....esp from my mom, haha she rockz like when i forget to iron my clothes or too tired went to sleep straight , she would iron for me and when i wake up and worry that i havent ironed my uniform yet i would find a nicely ironed set hanging above my closet... and on rainy days when she reminds me to bring and umbrella and to USE it for gods sake cos she doesnt want me to get sick and fall ill...so much so little but so much, so significant...:) she rocks.totally.

i ll say more about love from parents...isnt it amazing that even before you took your first breath or first opened your eyes, there were already people who loved you and cared about you? because while you were this very small insignificant and fragile foetus in your moms womb, your mom and dad already treated you like some treasure...loving you and caring for you so selflessly...and thats the most amazing love of all, i think... to me, its really just....touching. okay,

about friends. haha theres platonic love of course, its the sort of feeling of well, trust and friendship and stuff...like i always feel so comfortable when i talk to qiu han or be arnd her and stuffs and i want it to be the same too, vice versa :) and i want pple to be able to rely on me, i want to share my frens problems, their joys their sorrows cos we re in this together.... its the feeling of wanting to be there for someone, wanting to hug him/her when he/she looks stressed/tired/worried/ etc, wanting to give a comforting word or just ask if he/she is alright because it makes a difference...:) and i love my frens cos they so caring and loving too... qiu han, darell, weiling, and of course theres michy, hui hui, rx, even fanny, and haha yeah youzhirella and jiewei and joyce etc...and theres my choir seniors and juniors and fellow choir mates and comm members who i have grown so close to over the past few months...:)

and i believe that pure frenship exists between a guy and a girl, its just harder i guess, harder to find...

okay now of course, lastly, the love you ve all been waiting for...boy girl love.

frmph, i dont think that meteor shower is a good description...felicia gave me a pretty simple but good one, she said sth like this...love is like sacrificing maybe stuff that you like for the person that you really care about...and i rmbr ducro sayin about loving not because of but rather in spite of...i think that bgr love is a sort of bittersweet thing, esp if you re only 17. cos you lack the maturity and stuff, and all you know is that you like the person and the person likes you back and you two are together... i dunno, seems quite stupid but beautiful to me, just wanting to be wif the special person....but its not very wise to pursue it at this age, i shuld tink...

in a more comic sense i think this sort of love is much like, erm, donating blood...lolx.seriously. most people dont really dare to do it the first time, they re scared of the pain... you know what i mean?i ve tried (donating blood la lolx not being in a relationship)
i went to donate blood this year, first time, and by myself. i was determined to do it cos i ve wanted to do it for a long time, wonder what it feels like to save people...so i signed up and went...not scary at all, maybe cause i went there mentally prepared...and not painful,in fact, i felt quite numb...and pretty bored the part where i just lied there on the couch after the oked the tube into my vein and started drawing my blood oh-so-ever-slowly...lolx. really nearly fell asleep.*yawnz*

i guess thats the feeling for me... feeling numb... and after seeing the huge packet of MY blood which can be used to save pple ( hey im a blood group O person...haha generous ) , i felt myself swelling up with pride...i guess in some way i d feel proud to love a person :) anyway i love lots of people now :) what does it matter?

saying the L word seems so hard to people nowadays...but sometimes, love cannot just be felt...it must be said...so if u see someone u really love and he/she looks like she/he is going to break down or is in need of a hug, go up to him/her and give him/her a hug and say you love him/her and ask him/her to hang on there...i ve felt the effects of this and i must say it nearly brought me to tears ( i said NEARLY, okay? haha im styll wenlin u know) and i felt really loved.:)next time you think u want to 'love' a person,think deeply and thoroughly and seriously and ponder if its love or just infatuation. you may be surprised.:)

hahaz, okkie enuf said, very lONG entry and i ve crapped a lot at this weird hour.
ooOOOOhz good morning readers :) hahaz okkies shall go sleep liao, and meet my beloved zhou gong for a long game of chess.

Yeah, Sunday morning always make me sad/blissful/content.
Lolx whatever la maybe its got sth to do with Sunday being the day of rest that god chose after working a long hard six days (for us students five official days and one very not official but always on Saturday)

Choir practice on Friday was a whole new feeling
Felt quite weird that suddenly our numbers were decreased by almost half and and the choir stood in the Lt, I felt we looked quite vulnerable and helpless and maybe even pathetic.
I had always thought that we were quite independent, after all there had been times when the seniors were absent and we carried out stuff as normal and everything went on quite well, very smoothly in fact , (eg the string orch concert haha silly credo)
But not till Friday did the revelation come. It finally dawned upon me that we have been too over reliant on our beloved seniors for way too long and upon their sudden(actually not so sudden, just that I ve been reluctant if not unwilling to face the facts that they will HAVE to leave the choir one day :( in more ways than one, its a sort of way to escape from reality, the ostrich-bury-head-into-ground sort of method)

In fact I had been so used to being with the seniors and seeing them there that on Friday I felt this sort of weird emptiness inside, and I just couldnt find a way to make it go away.
Even though ck and hon seng and Theresa and hua cheng came back on Friday, the feeling just wasnt the same, it seemed as though it was really goodbye :( quite a sad feeling la, >_<>_<) Bah, so many worries so many questions. And loads of stuff to catch up after the pile of homework collected while we were away in germany Time seemed to pass so fast and blissfully that I never really wanted to come back Sort of la anyway. I wonder how the seniors are feeling, its definitely weird without them, I wonder if they feel weird without us. Definitely thru the germany trip I ve gotten to noe most of them better and grown a lot colder to them, even closer to some year ones. But now its time for them to go, to start mugging like there IS a tomorrow, and the prelims ARE going to come you know. I miss sher aka pet tamers sectionals when she always encouraged us and never gave up in us always there like a mother would be for her MANY daughters lolx. I miss talking to the sop seniors they all so nice and caring and I love sops they rock. I miss seeing stupid rambutan aka hon seng turn hi head over and start giving weird looks as I anticipate something very lame to come out from his mouth Believe it or not haha I actually miss standing next to knighty aka shaun the royally lame and I actually miss his WAY extremely lame jokes which are like soooo cold that you actually go brrr, wow that was cold, after he finishes. I miss ck s sudden outbursts which would lighten up the mood of the choir haha and even his weird and a nit scary mood swings too I miss seeing chin yaw and angela together tee hee and shangzhi and Raphael I miss seeing chung come in all hyper and happy I miss the two student conductors trying very hard to conduct us but not always succeeding (pai she lah) I miss hui shans cute impressions of the frog song I miss the bases trying to act cool (thats mostly year ones which try to act cool actually the year twos dont have to act they ARE cool) I miss hearing jia hui say heloooooo(emphasis on the oooo , in a drak and low voice) I miss the seniors la. Im sure lots of juniors would agree with me :) Well, whatever la, goodbye is inevitable, so I shall face it. And make the farewell a jolly smashing good farewell!!!! You wait and see