i think i scared the shit out of him, because he definitely sounded like it when he asked me again, but i really didn't know what else to do.






i know he meant well, i could see it in his eyes, i know, cause i heard it in his voice, and i could imagine how they must have looked,
it's quite uncivil, but i guess....
i don't think i could have helped it even if i tried.
never mind it.



i'm really glad the camp is over.
that some frustrating things could be resolved, that in general things went kind of okay and that we all hung on despite the lethargy and the muscle aches and ecetra and pulled through together.


the open training was fantastic; and it was wonderful to be able to keiko with suresh and joyce, though i wish i could have been stronger....
and sensei came :) and it was so wonderful and there were so wonderful sensei moments!
and my heart totally just melted when he asked,
'so how are you, miss president?'
and i kind of squirmed inside and blabbered all my responses and my brain felt like jelly and i couldn't think properly but he was listening to me so earnestly, and when he said,
'ah, okay la, forgiven.'
i kind of just sank down into my seat half out of relief and gladness and half out of thankfulness and undescribable grattitude.

i think halfway i kind of freaked out through camp with the venue problems that occurred even with such early planning; and delays and stuff, and disorganised-ness of things crashing in, and it kind of peaked along with the mistakes and inability i was plagued with during training as well as the sms that told me to 'reflect on my commitment towards cxxxxxy' but i'm really just relieved that i did the right thing and i really just kind of focused on training itself and nothing else.

i guess it can't be helped that i might be pulled out of chingay dance cause the practices seem to clash a lot with trainings. i won't deny that at this current point of time kendo is definitely my first priority and i won't be apolegetic that other things will have to take a back seat for this period of time. it's a pity but it's too bad; sometimes its almost like i can hear my father's voice in my ear, saying those familar words;

i know i dabble in too many arts, have too many flirtations, but these things are so wonderful and fantastic to me; i can't imagine not training, can't imagine not being able to go back to choir after missing it for so long, and dance, yes dance, the feeling of dance....





i think i'll take a nice long shower and sleep and wake up and maybe then my brain will be working well enough for me to conjure up an interesting blog post.

cause nobody likes to read about other people whining about their miserable sod life or emoing about how useless they are and how they should just curl up and die, right?

it wasn't the time or date,
maybe it wasn't him or her,
it wasn't his eyebrows or his nose,
it wasn't the smell of his aftershave,
it wasn't the way he talked or he walked,
it wasn't the way he slouched so slightly when he walked,
it wasn't the way you always felt so slightly uneasy with his presence
it wasn;t that he liked you but not you towards him and you liked him but not him towards you



it was just that

you didn't want to be alone.

i just wrote a long post but i think it's kind of crap, so i saved it as a draft instead.
its basically about what i did the past few days, and what i ll be doing in the next few days, but that's really boring since im not like miley cyrus [gross] or like santa claus [it means i have a real holiday since my peak period is over] or something, and i have a boring life, so i ll not talk about it.

you know, it's like one of those half-assed stories that you wrote when you were young and naive, with hard-to-relate protagonists, hardly-interesting storylines and cheesy dialogue. it's meant to be touching and classic really, but you know better, and thus it 'fetus-dies-womb-inside'.
or those like poems are you wrote in your spare time spacing out on long bus rides that were really meant for somebody you liked but you never got to giving it to the person since the thought of being rejected due to the mediocricity of the poem is much to painful to bear.

okay maybe not quite so bad, since i dont write poems, except haikus when the teachers in secondary school forced us to, and in kindergarten i think, except i went to childcare not kindergarten, and i basically failed all my spelling tests in childcare because i have absolutely no memory of studying whatsoever during my childhood. ah, the days.
except maybe i studied for chinese i think, because chen laoshi was my mom.
alas, i wonder how my mother tolerated me.


in plain words, i caroled yesterday [actually yesterday yesterday since its 4 am already] and yesterday yesterday [yesterday yesterday yesterday actually, same as above] with eusoff choir, and then i went to wenhao's house for the kendo boxing day dinner, and i ll be seeing the gang later today, and maybe going to a sale before that, but i dont think my wallet can take it, though i have been rather kind with it these few weeks.

at home.
not doing much.

i like it,
the feeling of doing absolutely nothing at home.
it's wonderful.

or the feeling of vegetating with my sister on the couch while we surf through the countless [countable actually, but a sizeable amount regardless] teevee channels, and me OSing brainless lines and dubbing thoughts for the protagonists in lame taiwanese or crumpy korean dramas.

it's quite random, but during lunchtime today [yesterday actually, reason same as above] i went with wz to buy lunch and my dad wanted to eat prawn noodles but they were out so i kind of panicked but wz brought her phone [smart fella] so we called him and he said he wanted roast meat noodles but they were out so we called him again and he said bak kut mee and i said if they're out we just buy chicken rice [pft] but when we reached there they were really out! so we called him again and he just kind of resigned to fate like us, and said ok, chicken rice.

on hindsight i shouldnt have eaten charsiew noodles. 1/2 the noodles were untouched. its gross man, like not nice to eat, and the auntie is disgusting, cheap people money; i didnt bother to argue with her cause she just said, 3 dollar ah, then before i could reply she started making the noodles already -_____- when the sighboard said the standard is 2 dollars. please la, so much noodles, even if i worked at a construction site i wouldn't eat so much la, thanks. wasting food and harming our environment. tsk tsk. not to mention cheating money. just that my head was groggy from all the sleeping on and off i didnt want to argue with her only. whatever la.

talked to nick and wenhao abt some stuff. we ll be having a meeting sunday. sigh.
there goes family day.
though i dont think dad planned anything it ll annoy him that i have to go out on sunday i bet.
he just doesnt like it, lah.

it's so hard to get a full comm meeting man. like painful. go overseas, then come back, then some people go off. some people just go mia or claim they have 'appointments'.... you have an appointment with your sister ah, oh is it. ya, today actually i had an appointment with my dog to walk it but i totally just blew it off just to meet you loh, that's how important it is.
ya, my mouth is dripping with acid, but things are turning out exactly like i imagined. hard to pretend that things are bright and sunny and hard to work with people who mia man. and its hard not be sarcastic.
all this is totally just like confirming my initial bias or gut feeling i had about some people, though i will refrain to elaborate about who or what.

this just teaches me to trust my gut more in future,
since it seems to be amazingly accurate
when it comes to judging people.

it's more like judging/guessing what their behaviour will be like. sigh.
im not in any position to judge anyone of course.


okay.

J is going off soon and i might send him off at the airport i think, but his flight is at 4am, so i ll have to spend the night at the airport to do it if i want to and monday is training day though its at night but i ll see how. he's seeing vijay liew on the 3rd though. i guess i might go kay poh and extra and be a nuisance at their lunch date, but i think there might be something on on that day. cant seem to remember.

he said i can visit him but i dont have that much money eh.
i think even if i sold off my knee, which is quite smart actually, since i usually say 'aiyoh i use my knee cap to think also i know it's impossible' i wouldn't have enough money for half the ticket [but whats the point of getting half a ticket anyway? can half of my body fly there? which half would be better i wonder] and i wonder if they even need kneecaps or buy kneecaps in the black market anyway so i think i ll just drop the thought.

and i want to go to japan.
the stupid allan alex sim jio and now i think he might be applying for some work or study thing instead and also ah jin wanted to go but with ah jin, you never know because i have a feeling its all talk no action because he wants to go to south africa and solo in indonesia as well but im quite sure he doesnt have that much money or time either so regardless i ll go anyway even if qiuping doesnt want to go somehow someway i ll have to go there. I HAVE TO GO.
like a real holiday in japan. sigh.


sale.
post christmas and pre new year sale.
i hate it when there's a huge red signboard with white bold printed words 'SALE' like all over it.
and like people swarming the store. im half wanting to go in and see if the sale is really that fantastic and half dreading the crowd and women snatching clothes and stuff all over the floor and the awful feeling of not seeing anything that caught your eye really when everything you know is rather cheap actually. cognitive dissonance.


okay im going to sleep already,

goodnight world.

Wake up everyone
How can you sleep at a time like this
Unless the dreamer is the real you
Listen to your voice
The one that tells you to taste past the tip of your tongue
Leap and the net will appear

I don't wanna wake before
The dream is over
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I, I know it
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I'll make it all mine

I keep my life on a heavy rotation
Requesting that it's lifting you up, up, up and away
And over to a table at the graditude café

And I am finally there
And all the angels they'll be singing
I, la la la I, la la la I, la la la la love this

Well I don't wanna break before
The tour is over
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I, I know it
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I'll make it all mine

And timing's everything
and this time there's plenty
I am balancing
Careful and steady
And reveling in energy that everyone's emitting

I don't wanna wait no more
No I wanna celebrate the whole world
I'm gonna make it mine
Because I'm following your joy
I'm gonna make it mine
Because I, I am open
I'm gonna make it mine
That's why, I will show it
I'm gonna make it all mine
Mm gonna make, gonna make, gonna make
Gonna make it, make it, make it mine
Oh my, yes I'll make it all mine

Jason Mraz - Make It Mine

-----------------------------

yes,
it's time to wake up and face the music,

unless the dreamer is the real you

when soo huey fen opened the lounge door and said

'hello tan wenlin'




i felt tears rolling from the back of my eyes and i did all i could to control my voice and try not to make it obvious when i replied her, but no words could express the gladness i felt inside my heart for her existence, for her return, for her filling up the emptiness inside,for her being there.

--------------------------

i just typed a truck load of emo shit and nonsense because im really stressed and kind of sad and really miss home but my parents aren't back yet and im here in hall but it feels empty though there are people inside and how can that even be possible?



but nobody likes to read other people's emo shit so i shall keep it to myself.

you can listen to me talk about senseless things and other things that don't really matter.
and i think that will make you think that i'm more cheerful than i really am, and that im sunny and all good and confident and good on the outside whatever it really is inside

since it doesnt really matter much anyway right?

part of the emo shit, i was wondering if taiwan was a bad choice because i sacrificed a lot for it; i missed deepee pract, got demoted to kid from elf, missed grading and a truckload of trainings [taking into consideration the flu+cold i got as a present back from taiwan], lost out time with friends, couldn't have a full comm meeting earlier and delayed a couple of things etc,

but i should tell myself it was a right choice
even though i kind of pissed off my dad with my straightness when i was annoyed that he was such an ass to my mom and being so MCP sometimes
that in the end it was still alright cause he was still talking and laughing when we came back
and yes,

mundane things,
like how i found out taiwanese really do speak with a tai- accent,
like how i found out all hotels use the same brand of hairdryer called turbo baby,
like how i found out taiwanese girls really almost all do put a lot of effort into makeup,
like how i found out not all 原住民 are dark skinned and have long hair and a crazy voice,
like how i found out that i'm still treated like a child even though officially im already an adult,
like how i found out that taiwan seems to be lenient with chen sui bian when they really shouldnt

that i could survive on fruits everyday
that clothes in taiwan aren't that cheap or fashionable
that watsons is really the place for cheap good cosmetics
that i could consider making it my permanent home in the future
because id never die of hunger on the streets or dislike the stuff i ate

and taiwan was great,
cause everyday i ate nice food, sleep in a reasonable place [though i didnt rest well], got to watch 100+ tv stations, saw lots of interesting things, spent time with my family, and not for a single day did i resort to doing it.

wait,
maybe not.
but at least that was just one day.



you know somethings are bad for you and you know you shouldnt do it,
but sometimes you cannot help,

because it's like sometimes its the only way and the only thing
that makes you feel in control,
that makes you feel alive.

conclusion:
negative again.

it seems to be futile.
this reminds me of a random conversation i had with shannon.
he commented casually that he realised we two have more than we think in common:
we both think in a negative manner about things.

it's true.
sometimes it's hard not to do that.
not to interpret ambiguous things, events, people's comments, remarks as negative
it's just so difficult


and somehow i dont think it started this way
because people always remembered me as a happy and cheerful kid,
happy, satisfied, optimistic, brimming with hope,
but i cant remember when it started but ive already been conditioned to doing it



and it's like im a lowly peasant stuck in a rut in the awful circle of poverty but i can't do anything to get out of it

bad-bad-bad-bad-worse
stop-it-already-stop

okay, happy thoughts.

carolling tomorrow.
its quite a relief? to be carolling with a non-competition-orientated/professional choir for a change, but some small things cant help but annoy me;

people humming the first note in repetition after the conductor gives the note,
people not holding their files properly when they're holding the scores,
people not bothering to watch the conductor when singing,
people's lack of attention to coming to practice on time,
people's weird assortment of standing positions,

yes you would be amazed with the array of different odd and illogical and counter-contrary standing positions when they sing. like how the h*** can you use your diaphragm when you're fidgeting or shaking your knees the whole time? it's funny and absurd? plus it's not even from freshies; these are seniors....

sigh....
i know i know, that this is not a pro choir and basically those with training i can count using the fingers on 1 hand but sometimes the lack of attention to these small but important and satisfying details annoy me. and its not even about techniques like projection, minimising airyness etc...



okay relax relax
nothing, not important, small matter, no big deal


sigh.

i think it's not really working.
maybe you could try and engage me?

im sick, my throat is sore, my voice is gone, i won't stop coughing,





and i bloody just want to go home.

i want to go home so badly i think i ll cry like shit if my mom is there.

i dont know why but when im sick i always feel like going home.
my mom scolds me like crazy you'd think she mistreats patients but
sometimes its just that i miss the comfort of her being around, and her homecooked food, and her nagging at me to remind me to take medication, to sleep early, blah blah...

i can't even cough loudly cause its goodness knows six am and soohf is asleep and i know she has a long day ahead of her and i dont want to wake her up too early with the coughing and tire her and in the end as a resort i had to go downstairs and stand at the sink at the pantry for fifteen minutes and keep drinking water between intervals of coughing and spitting phlegm out.

like ewwww.
there's nothing like phlegm with blood inside.
i had that last week.
but the worst is really the dry itchy cough.

its like i wish i could rip my throat out, fix the problem, the put it back in.

theres a long day ahead of me so im wondering if i should just see the doctor and
like 'pass!' for everything, or just turn up for everything and let my throat cui and die.
since physically i guess im fine minus the coughing and semi-blocked nose.



in the back of my mind,
im thinking,

like oh holy shit,
carolling is less than 4 days away,
and YKT is less than 1 month away,
and i should really probably try to make practice and training,

goodness
in the back of my head during choir practice,
im thinking
'what the holy f*** is going on,'
and i can't imagine how ck would shake his head off at the standard of our flat dynamics, lack of emotionality and occasionally, weird sounding cords, and missed/lazy-just-slide-and-hit notes, especially for the sopranos when it comes to high notes. besides the fact that high ending notes excite so man yan [its incredibly amusing to see her excited since i've always sang the highest part so there's no novelty when it comes to singing descand, its more of a have-to-do more than an excited-to-do]

but i know it's different,
that we're not a competition choir,
that technicalities like such shouldn't be compared,
that standards of NJchoir shouldn't be imposed on eusoffchoir.

but i cant help but feel a little sad that carolling doesnt bear the same kind of meaning and significance as it did before, and there's definitely less satisfaction in say, singing 1 page carols with 4 parts as compared to tough ones like 12 days or the most wonderful time...

though it was quite an anguish to have only 1 other sop 1 for the part and to be singing totally alone if your partner forgot to come in, especially for 12 days...


i guess im in no position to say anything,
though i have professional training of 6 years with competition choirs,
i'm not in the committee [and do not have the commitment to be and have no desire to become] and thus am in no position to shape the choir or what it aims to be,

and i guess sometimes it's a relief that things arent that difficult here,
and that even if i make small mistakes it doesnt matter cause even bigger ones are more evident.


it still saddens me, regardless.



im still debating whether or not to go for training,
cause i know i cant kiai for sure,

and im not sure if i can breathe from inside the men.




i think regardless of whatever i ll try to see the doctor later.

convince me it's for my own good.

i can't deny it's fate.


that if i hadn't taken so long to piece out my outfit,
that if i hadn't smsed shu to ask her how she was going,
that if she hadn't said that i could meet her and cab there together,
that if she hadn't come late by more than and hour and left me waiting,

i wouldn't have met you today.


and in the back of my head, while i was standing worriedly at the taxi stand,
tugging at the hem of my dress, shuffling my feet, wondering if my eyeliner was fading,
that from the corner of my eye i saw a familar face from a short distance ahead.

and my first reaction was to hide.
lower my head, try to cover myself with my awkward arms, look at my glads, pointed towards each other,
and then you came right up to me,
right in front of me,

and i was forced to say,

'hi.'



i think i like it that we can talk like this even though we haven't seen each other for very long.
that it makes me happy that you think i looked pretty [i was really tempted to say, did you only just realise? or it is only just today? but if you said only just today, i dont think my heart could take it], that it makes me happy that you look like you're doing well.
that im kind of okay that you won't be around next year anymore.

you'll always mean something special to me.
even if you're not the cookie i want to eat anymore.

--------------------------------------------

JLPT
easier than i thought.
i can pass with reasonable marks i think.

thanks to ah jin.
if not for your 'eh sign up la, we study together every week, once a week ok?'
i'd not have signed up and turned up. and crammed like all the grammar we could learn in japanese 3 and 4 2 nights before JLPT and camped in the reading room [which i only did for pl2132]

*laugh* you amuse me so much i dont know what to say,
that you annoy me when you say i look cute when im super stressed,
and sometimes when you look at me with all seriousness for such a long time,
i really have no idea what you are thinking.

but i think im wiser than to join you on your suicide JLPT2 next year mission.
good luck, friend.

--------------------------------------------
packing.
i need to figure out what to bring to taiwan.
will it be cold? will i get tekan by dad and mom if i bring sleeveless?



and worst of all,

goldenhalfsplitcamholgascannonpowershotikimono110fisheyetraveller
which of my 6 cameras to bring?

oh, and the colorsplash flash too.
--------------------------------------------
dnd.

havoc havoc havoc.
the juniors are plaine havoc. and surprisingly, the older people from SKC too.

outfit.
i am glad i listened to my inner voice at the back of my head telling me not to wear my punk-jeans outfit i had thought of earlier [that would be able to fit in with the tenogui better] because when i opened the door and went in after shumin i got a huge shock.

more than half the room was filled with gown-clad girls in thick make-up and prom-like styled hair. shockshockshockshock.

if i knew it was supposed to be like this, and the 'tenogui magic' theme was just a facade [somehow when the theme was announced, the image of damian sensei with a tenogui tied as an eye patch, clad in pirate costume, immediately surfaced in my head],
i'd have turned up in one of my many dresses hanging in my closet in b308 and thrown on a vest to offset the girliness [does such a word exist] and paired it with my gold gojane glads for the glam up effect. yes indeed.
instead i went for the punk-goth look.

i think i like it.

i like the eyeliner.
it gives me more attitude,
like more than i already have, oozing in abundance secretly beneath my whiny and insecure exterior.
it brings out the cool-unapproachable me.
which reminds me how hilarious it is when liew meichee always says she wants to be cool and unapproachable yet fails miserably attempting to do so.

and shu also said that eyeliner goes,
that the shape of my eyes is special and the eyeliner really goes.



i think it might stay.

okay so,
i guess overall it was okay, except today's the first time i wore the dress, and the only reason i bought it is cause it has quirky prints but i was quite annoyed cause i forgot to bring the right shoes back to match the dress and the whole time at the back of my head a small voice was yelling
'bad fashion sense! wardrobe malfunction!'

you don't know how painful it is for me to be under public scrutiny when im suffering from a wardrobe malfunction. even the wrong cuff or vest can kill. that's how insecure i am.

that being said,
since i've never really worn a prom dress before
[didnt wear one to my sec school prom, missed JC prom cause i was working]
i think i was really excited at the prospect of wearing a prom-like dress.
but that was 3 years ago, when my cousin handed me her gown from goodness-knows-which-function. it's still with me, in the house, safely stored in some obscure place by my mother,
but i no longer feel the thrill and excitement i used to experience when my fingertips brushed against the cool fabric of the gown.



i must be getting old.
even dressing up can be a pain in the arse nowadays.

anyway so all this superficial thing isn't important.
i feel like im so lucky!
nono, lihong, zehao and parry from our table all got a prize.
lihong a dry fit gi for frolicking and letting jack, blindfolded, wear gi and hakama for him,
parry, for shaking his bon bon [i know you didn't go all out pa-ri! give you face only, since we're doki,]
zehao and nono, for winning the top prizes!
it's like a damn long time since i really felt 100 per cent happy for other people and zero percent envious or jealous at all. =) its a nice feeling.

and the juniors.
oh. what. a. bunch.
i totally got infected my nixon and his helium-balloon-sucking antics.
annoying but entertaining at the same time. immensely.




training later today.
im looking forward to it,
the smell of my gi and hakama,
the grip of my kote on the shinai,
and the feeling of my ears muffled by the men.

yoroshiku, bogu.
------------------------------------------------------

tomorrow, oh, i mean today,
will be a long day ahead.

everything cramped up at night.
530-dunno when : chingay dance
630 -9 kendo [i dunno how im going to fly to nus high from hall after chingay. have to leave early i guess, but that ll mean i dance for 20 minutes?]
10-1230 aiting's dance: excited excited excited! she's a really great dancer and impressive choreo i think, and i feel honoured to be chosen [judging from the list she only chose like all the super experienced or flexible contemp dancers. :)] and i can't wait to kick ass in contemp.
only thing is im super guilty im missing half of all her practices cause of taiwan. damn.

but family above all.


and yes,
KENDO CAMP.
and yes,
YKTYKTYKT.

everymorning when i wake up at the back of my head i think YKT is coming and im worried like shit.

haha.



i think i ll catch a wink before i get up early, clean b308, head out for a run maybe?
and then arrange stuff, pack my bogu, and mentally prepare myself for the day.


this holiday is gonna be hell exciting, yeah.

i know i should be cramming for JLPT, which is in less than 8 hours, but again, here i am, sitting in front of a machine, spilling my gut out, ripping my heart out for all and sundry.

that despite the fact that i went for friday with the juniors and ended up not studying as a result.
though the 5 hours or so after that with ah jin camping together in the study room and 'accidentally' falling asleep on the carefully-laid out cushions on the floor were pretty fruitful.



tomorrow, oh i mean later today
will be another eventful day i suppose.
JLPT in the morning, lunch with kon san in the afternoon if she's free, if not with ah jin and the gang in hall, and then packing and lugging the stuff back to home, then kendo dnd.
speaking of which 7th december seems to be some lucky or auspicious day or something.
it suddenly occured to me that mr fate is running at the st cht marathon and i should wish him good luck out of goodwill but im too lazy so i will resort to offline messaging instead.
and parry as well.

suddenly i remember about next week,
and then i check my allocated slot for deepee from the results of tech class, and i am...
i would say, i think i have mixed feelings?....
i wonder if it's a good thing, but i guess it's like what i imagined...


i don't know what to wear for the kendo dnd.
i know it should be the least of my troubles, but im quite annoyed.
that i didn't go for training this morning, oh it was yesterday morning actually, good morning to you. and im not even going for LKC yet i dare to show my face at dnd.

which i dont really want to turn up for but paid 50 odd dollars and feel obliged to and definitely my wallet is asking me to go for all its suffering sustained.


and how can a stupid sms make me feel so disturbed but touched at the same time?
that its been ages since we talked to each other or even seen each other,
that your existence is the mere steam in my coffee, which i don't drink,
that we don't even talk online cause you're busy all the time [yes coming from me]
that i dont know what i really think about things like this,
that it matters to you to want to catch up with me,

that i feel a weird feeling that it matters to you that you want to catch up with me,
that i keep thinking that everything is too late now and there's no rewind button,
that somehow maybe the feeling might be that i actually feel touched
that this touched feeling makes me feel disturbed in return
that i really dont know how else to react to you
that all i can do be be nasty and mean


urgh

it's all so confusing
and all these mixed signals.

what the hell are you trying to do?

and what the hell should i wear to kendo dnd,
and worst of all,

how the heck am i going to figure in the tenogui with the outfit?

i spent the past hour surfing the net with one idle hand and popping bubble wrap with the other.




it's unbelieveably therapeutic.

it suddenly struck me how blissful it would be if my wedding dress was made of bubble wrap.
i think before i even make it to the altar, or even see my groom,
i'd have finished popping all the bubbles possible,
the flares would have lost the flounce,
and the dress would be gg.

amusing.



someone get me an entire roll of bbule wrap for my birthday.
i ll be eternally grateful.

no, im serious.