when soo huey fen opened the lounge door and said

'hello tan wenlin'




i felt tears rolling from the back of my eyes and i did all i could to control my voice and try not to make it obvious when i replied her, but no words could express the gladness i felt inside my heart for her existence, for her return, for her filling up the emptiness inside,for her being there.

--------------------------

i just typed a truck load of emo shit and nonsense because im really stressed and kind of sad and really miss home but my parents aren't back yet and im here in hall but it feels empty though there are people inside and how can that even be possible?



but nobody likes to read other people's emo shit so i shall keep it to myself.

you can listen to me talk about senseless things and other things that don't really matter.
and i think that will make you think that i'm more cheerful than i really am, and that im sunny and all good and confident and good on the outside whatever it really is inside

since it doesnt really matter much anyway right?

part of the emo shit, i was wondering if taiwan was a bad choice because i sacrificed a lot for it; i missed deepee pract, got demoted to kid from elf, missed grading and a truckload of trainings [taking into consideration the flu+cold i got as a present back from taiwan], lost out time with friends, couldn't have a full comm meeting earlier and delayed a couple of things etc,

but i should tell myself it was a right choice
even though i kind of pissed off my dad with my straightness when i was annoyed that he was such an ass to my mom and being so MCP sometimes
that in the end it was still alright cause he was still talking and laughing when we came back
and yes,

mundane things,
like how i found out taiwanese really do speak with a tai- accent,
like how i found out all hotels use the same brand of hairdryer called turbo baby,
like how i found out taiwanese girls really almost all do put a lot of effort into makeup,
like how i found out not all 原住民 are dark skinned and have long hair and a crazy voice,
like how i found out that i'm still treated like a child even though officially im already an adult,
like how i found out that taiwan seems to be lenient with chen sui bian when they really shouldnt

that i could survive on fruits everyday
that clothes in taiwan aren't that cheap or fashionable
that watsons is really the place for cheap good cosmetics
that i could consider making it my permanent home in the future
because id never die of hunger on the streets or dislike the stuff i ate

and taiwan was great,
cause everyday i ate nice food, sleep in a reasonable place [though i didnt rest well], got to watch 100+ tv stations, saw lots of interesting things, spent time with my family, and not for a single day did i resort to doing it.

wait,
maybe not.
but at least that was just one day.



you know somethings are bad for you and you know you shouldnt do it,
but sometimes you cannot help,

because it's like sometimes its the only way and the only thing
that makes you feel in control,
that makes you feel alive.

conclusion:
negative again.

it seems to be futile.
this reminds me of a random conversation i had with shannon.
he commented casually that he realised we two have more than we think in common:
we both think in a negative manner about things.

it's true.
sometimes it's hard not to do that.
not to interpret ambiguous things, events, people's comments, remarks as negative
it's just so difficult


and somehow i dont think it started this way
because people always remembered me as a happy and cheerful kid,
happy, satisfied, optimistic, brimming with hope,
but i cant remember when it started but ive already been conditioned to doing it



and it's like im a lowly peasant stuck in a rut in the awful circle of poverty but i can't do anything to get out of it

bad-bad-bad-bad-worse
stop-it-already-stop

okay, happy thoughts.

carolling tomorrow.
its quite a relief? to be carolling with a non-competition-orientated/professional choir for a change, but some small things cant help but annoy me;

people humming the first note in repetition after the conductor gives the note,
people not holding their files properly when they're holding the scores,
people not bothering to watch the conductor when singing,
people's lack of attention to coming to practice on time,
people's weird assortment of standing positions,

yes you would be amazed with the array of different odd and illogical and counter-contrary standing positions when they sing. like how the h*** can you use your diaphragm when you're fidgeting or shaking your knees the whole time? it's funny and absurd? plus it's not even from freshies; these are seniors....

sigh....
i know i know, that this is not a pro choir and basically those with training i can count using the fingers on 1 hand but sometimes the lack of attention to these small but important and satisfying details annoy me. and its not even about techniques like projection, minimising airyness etc...



okay relax relax
nothing, not important, small matter, no big deal


sigh.

i think it's not really working.
maybe you could try and engage me?