im sick, my throat is sore, my voice is gone, i won't stop coughing,





and i bloody just want to go home.

i want to go home so badly i think i ll cry like shit if my mom is there.

i dont know why but when im sick i always feel like going home.
my mom scolds me like crazy you'd think she mistreats patients but
sometimes its just that i miss the comfort of her being around, and her homecooked food, and her nagging at me to remind me to take medication, to sleep early, blah blah...

i can't even cough loudly cause its goodness knows six am and soohf is asleep and i know she has a long day ahead of her and i dont want to wake her up too early with the coughing and tire her and in the end as a resort i had to go downstairs and stand at the sink at the pantry for fifteen minutes and keep drinking water between intervals of coughing and spitting phlegm out.

like ewwww.
there's nothing like phlegm with blood inside.
i had that last week.
but the worst is really the dry itchy cough.

its like i wish i could rip my throat out, fix the problem, the put it back in.

theres a long day ahead of me so im wondering if i should just see the doctor and
like 'pass!' for everything, or just turn up for everything and let my throat cui and die.
since physically i guess im fine minus the coughing and semi-blocked nose.



in the back of my mind,
im thinking,

like oh holy shit,
carolling is less than 4 days away,
and YKT is less than 1 month away,
and i should really probably try to make practice and training,

goodness
in the back of my head during choir practice,
im thinking
'what the holy f*** is going on,'
and i can't imagine how ck would shake his head off at the standard of our flat dynamics, lack of emotionality and occasionally, weird sounding cords, and missed/lazy-just-slide-and-hit notes, especially for the sopranos when it comes to high notes. besides the fact that high ending notes excite so man yan [its incredibly amusing to see her excited since i've always sang the highest part so there's no novelty when it comes to singing descand, its more of a have-to-do more than an excited-to-do]

but i know it's different,
that we're not a competition choir,
that technicalities like such shouldn't be compared,
that standards of NJchoir shouldn't be imposed on eusoffchoir.

but i cant help but feel a little sad that carolling doesnt bear the same kind of meaning and significance as it did before, and there's definitely less satisfaction in say, singing 1 page carols with 4 parts as compared to tough ones like 12 days or the most wonderful time...

though it was quite an anguish to have only 1 other sop 1 for the part and to be singing totally alone if your partner forgot to come in, especially for 12 days...


i guess im in no position to say anything,
though i have professional training of 6 years with competition choirs,
i'm not in the committee [and do not have the commitment to be and have no desire to become] and thus am in no position to shape the choir or what it aims to be,

and i guess sometimes it's a relief that things arent that difficult here,
and that even if i make small mistakes it doesnt matter cause even bigger ones are more evident.


it still saddens me, regardless.



im still debating whether or not to go for training,
cause i know i cant kiai for sure,

and im not sure if i can breathe from inside the men.




i think regardless of whatever i ll try to see the doctor later.

convince me it's for my own good.