i am so dead. it's 1 am already and i have NOT done the readings for bio psychology. it's in less than 14 hours, so i'm pretty much resigned to my fate already. despite knowing all this, i am still in no hurry at all to attempt to cover the material now and to give up my precious sleep.

my eyelids are closing.





it's so awful these days i don't seem to want to do anything else but zzz.

*slaps face*

OKAY. i seriously really have to finish this.
discipline wenlin, discipline.


same goes for kendo.
squared shoulders, relaxed but firm grip, determined eyes, unbreakable spirit, strong form.
kamae is a castle, but castles weren't built in a day.

i think i almost won't be able to take this anymore.

every other day something just has to happen to remind me that, ultimately, people do judge others by their covers, like how books are judged.

i hate the feeling of constantly being disappointed with how shallow and superficial people can get. maybe i'm a little too dense for my own good, or maybe just holding on to too much false hope still, at this point of time, because after experiencing this for 1 year and a half, almost, i should already have had reality hard in my face, and my expectations bitterly and cruelly smashed and abandoned on the floor.


it's not really that i'm having a case of sour grapes; that not being in the 'in' crowd, or not being athletic, sporty, tan or hot, sexy and slim is a huge issue. though i do admit i do wish to be, sometimes, secretly. it's more like i'm just sad at why things have to end up like this.


on another issue,
i'm pretty glad i've mustered up courage to try something for next year.
if i do have enough points to stay in hall next year, that is.

it was just a casual remark, but i kind of promised angel that i would try for ihg next year, and she, in return, promised to coach me. it's not much, but it gives me a little hope that i might become what i've always liked or wanted to be.

and it's a little off the charts, but i'm thinking of joining eusoff choir next year! it would be fun to go carol again during christmas, to have sectionals with the sops, to listen to the harmony during combined. and there's miss yap, man yan, meiyi and vijay liew in choir; what other better plus factor can there be?
i just hope i haven't forgotten where my diaphragm is.

and lastly...

miss yap said she wanted to try for it next year, because it's her last year.
cheng teng talked to me about it today and asked me why i didnt try out for it. i kind of really regret just a little. so i'm kind of using miss yap as a security net and safety buffer to give me a little courage to try out: maybe i think i'll try to dance again =)




alright, with all these exciting things planned for hall,

studies aside [important of course]
my number one priority [besides being a good daughter and annoying my sister] will still be kendo.

this semester has just only begun, but i can't wait for next year to come!

i'm sitting in front of my laptop now, having this fierce internal struggle with myself.

everytime i miss a kendo training, i become overcome with this immense sense of guilt, and total sense of disappointment at my weakness. i'm really touched by all the advice that people all around me give me, telling me to rest, saying that health is more important, telling me not to push the limit, but ultimately i'm really disgusted with myself.

i kind of know i should rest, because it isn't normal that when you walk, you feel pain near your ankle and between your toes, right? and the doctor said so, not to walk so much, the chinese sin sei said; if your toe drops off, not my fault, rest for one to two weeks, the a&e doctor said.

i guess i'm angry because a small part of myself is kind of lazy and glad that i can slack off and not be there for kendo training and not have to bear 15-30 min of kirikaeshi in bogu and men, and not have to hold on for the 2 hr training. but at the same time, i'm dying to improve, to become strong, to become faster, to become more skilled. i want to be strong, i want to be good; i want to be in the team. but if i don't train, miracles won't happen and i won't suddenly become a mega strong kendo player tomorrow. as not-so-lousy senpai quoted damian sensei, as he put it, the kendo fairy doesn't exist. to improve requires a little talent [not mandatory but helps] and a WHOLE LOT of hard work. and i'm slacking off now. at the crucial period. the youth tournament is in less than 2 months.

yet i know that this is a totally legitimate reason to rest and recuperate.
it's really stupid/silly/insipid/lame [both literally and figuratively]





i really have trouble resolving cognitive dissonances i have within myself. it's horrible, this feeling.

and this is crazy, but
i URGH can't get rid of this guilty feeling about missing training tomorrow! my feet feel like they want to go running so that my stamina won't drop and i won't fall behind!

YES, I KNOW, the doctor just told me not to WALK so much.




sigh.

i don't know what's with me lately, but i've been in a serious bout of shoe obsession.
and it's not even like, heels or pumps, or flats, or whatever; it's slippers. like, dang!
might do a post on pretty melissa shoes, but they're too expensive for my liking... though they're rubbery soft and comfy. *heaves a sigh of disappointment*

it's not like i have a lot of cash or what;
blowing 20-40 on a pair of slippers is really insane.

looking into my wallet, looking at the thin tad of notes, which happen to be reserved for the purchasing of textbooks, i conclude that i will have to suffer from cognitive dissonance because i will not be able to fulfill this fleeting desire. hopefully i won't dream about slippers tonight.
silly as it sounds,
i present to you, the BIG 3.
[wow, you didn't think i'd have a wish list, did you? does that make me a shopaholic-potential girly-girl auntie-to-be now?]



number 1.

would definitely have to be this.
i can't even find the brown with gold v-strap simple one here in singapore. it's quite distressing.





number 2.

this costs 40-50 from new urban male. yes, it's that shop that has 3 shop spaces or more in heeren, sells beach wear, thongs, singlets, has hot gay sales assistants [supposedly] & a cheesy beach theme. not to mention exploitative havaianas prices. and a really silly-sounding abbreviation, aka, NUM. so much for a wish list. kaihan says there's discount for nus students. My rational brain knows better than to blow the 50.







number 3.

this is one of the newer released G2B series gisele bunchen ipanema sandals series. they have 10 or more colours to choose from; blue is really pretty, gold really beautiful, and green, really yummy. i can't make up my mind yet. but i swear if i see the green one in stores, i won't even think twice. might get a pair for hot babe, but i wonder if they're cheaper over there in hk. sigh. maybe i should ask her to get me some stuff from ebase, s & k, giordano, baleno and I.P. ZONE.



alright, enough about whining about not having enough money to buy pretty slippers/sandals.
money is better spent on second-hand textbooks. agreed?

maybe not.

and this is for MS NG CHENG TENG, whose name i conveniently forgot.

i guess she's so well integrated into part of my life, just like the doormat, my patrick slippers, my toothbrush, my pilot g2 pen, my pl3232 textbook, my bedsheet, that i forget to acknowledge her existence.

without her, days would be mundane lectures with growling stomachs and sleepy eyelids.
esther,



how could i have hall breakfast without you?

alright, with all this emo thing around, and i, having just cleaned off 3 pieces of warm chocolate bread [yes i did not kill the bread with the microwave oven this time! woot!], experiencing this warm, fuzzy and nice feeling spreading radially from the center of my stomach, am feeling like writing an emotional post.

not been doing much lately, nothing but sets, and trying to get second-hand textbooks.

it's been so good this year, i swear, its as good if not better than sets last year. i know i can't compare, but if last year was a 10, this year would be a perfect score as well. i'm starting to feel a little sad at the thought of all this coming to an end, but as the chinese saying goes, 天下无不散之延席[flaunting my chinese-teacher-father influences once in a while] all good things have to come to an end. and it's not like i won't be seeing these people around in hall anymore. not unless i...

but anyway,
this is to all the sets people, thank you, for touching my hands with paint, turpentine, passing my screws, helping me charge the makita screwdriver batteries, cutting 2 by1s for me, holding the 1 ply so that it won't jerk when i use the jigsaw, the late night friday /early morning saturday suppers, the 'far-far-cannot-see's, tolerating my random lame jokes, my sudden changes in disposition, my weird ways of working. thank you joshua, madeline, huey fen, raymond, matt, kaihui, kai han, han cheng, chia ling, van BELLA, Y-vonne, edmundo, and most of all,

this is for wayne.
because,
thank you, for the way you quietly asked me with your eyes, your voice gentle,
'are you joining sets?'





i guess before you even asked,
i already had the answer.



you don't need to ask;
i know i'm going to miss this already.

i don't know why i feel so revolted but praised at the same time.



why do people ever just care about appearances, especially the male species?
i guess its quite ironic of me to say this, considering i havent broken out of my appearance-inferiority bubble/complex, but still, i have that not because of what others think, but rather it's self-inflicted.

i think i'll still stick to my principles, because
i don't think there's much point to it unless you really like the person.

right?

vjiay liew left this week. it was quite an ambivalent farewell for me. i've always felt like there are a million and 1 things i want to say to him, but whenever his face appears in front of mine, and his hand sweeps on top of my newly-grown hair, the thoughts fall out of my brain and all i can manage is to stutter a half-angry half-nervous HEY!

it won't be the same without him around, though i don't talk to him much in face actually.

all this friends leaving is making me soppy and sentimental.


so, there was dp piecing today.
i can't pretend i'm unaffected, because this is totally affecting me, much more than i'd like it to.
that it has always been about me, and never about hall, or about them.
always about me, not being sure of myself, not having enough confidence, not being self-assured, chickening out, not being able to go under scrutiny. feeling weak, incapable, not daring to try for ihg sports, not daring to go for dance auditions, not daring to do this, not daring to do that.
nobody said that people with no sports background can't try; nobody said that fat girls aren't allowed to dance. it has always been about me. about my lack of confidence, about my feeling weak.

my feet itch. they miss the feeling of being on the bar. i miss the feeling; of my fingers stretching to touch the toes, of leaping around, the slight tinge of pain the moment my body closed in on my leg on the bar, the sound of teacher saying, 'pain is good', the sound of us replying reluctantly in series of moans, of curving my muscular arms in a semicircle above my head however ungraceful i may have looked; i miss the feeling of adrenaline pumping in my veins, as my heart races, the light from the stage, blinding me momentarily as i run to position; the feeling of the beat, 1, 2,3,4, 2, 2, 3, 4, 3,2,3,4... running through my head...i miss the feeling of tapping my toes excitedly to the beat, brainstorming moves, i miss us huddling at the corner of the stage in a circle for warmth, feverishly awaiting the beginning of the performance....


maybe when these things don't matter anymore, like knowing all the right people and having the ideal weight and figure, i'll be able to do it again.

but, not now. not here, at least. i'm not good enough.

----------------------------------------------------
i like sets.
there, i said it.
it's almost as good as last year, if not better.

it's a different experience, being a senior, and being a newbie.
but it's just as good. and i like these people just as much as i like the sets crew 2007/2008.


it's hard to explain.
but i like the feeling; the firm grip of the jigsaw; the slight jerk when i press the button to put the circular saw into action; the sense of satisfaction of screwing in a 2 and 1/2 inch screw cleanly;
i'm not thinking about next year. if i think about it now, i wont even have second thoughts; my name will be in 2008/2009 already. things will just be, as how things go.
i don't like to think about them, because i make emotional decisions when i think too much.
---------------------------------

i really like kendo.
i didn't even think twice about doing honours; it was a granted; because i wanted/want to maximise the possible training years i can have at NUS. insane as it sounds, i want to stay here and train for as long as possible.

there are countless sacrifices we have made, and when we look back, sometimes these things seem absurd, insane, ridiculous. but i never regret it. looking back, i've gotten so much. so many memories, so many intangible things, so many friends and confidants, so much character, so many lessons learnt.
------------------------------
i'm feeling a little emo today. maybe it's the weekend, and because i'm a little sleepy.
had a nice long chat with mr m. on the bus today, when we met up for dessert. it was his birthday last week, so i promised a treat, which he originally did not like, but finally relented when i complained that guys have this complex of not liking being treated by girls. *smirk*

he says my hair looks disgusting.
*laugh* im actually surprised i had enough confidence to laugh at the remark and retort. and that i wasn't actually squirming inside. maybe, really now, looks are starting not to matter so much to me. not other peoples looks; they never really have; my looks. Maybe these things, like how my hair looks, whether my thighs look too big to wear shorts, or the number that appears on the weighing machine, are starting not to matter that much to me anymore.
like n other people, he insisted that i should grow my hair back.

which i probably am intending to do, but not before experimenting with other hairstyles first. i'm rather excited at the prospect of this, and all the corresponding images that i can don along with the hairstyles. though it has been a wonderful experience, and it WAS rather cool to have a similar looking botak in the rag team, aka mr vijay liew, i don't think i'll do this again, not so soon.

maybe i'll appreciate my hair more when more of it comes back. that i'll actually feel proud when i look at myself in the mirror, that i might actually be even just slightly satisfied at what i see looking back at me. however much it may seem an accessory, i admit, i do like long hair. long hair is overhyped, i think. it's only something thats supposed to keep you warm. however, as i have learnt over the last 1 semester, it can affect your life, the way people perceive you, and even your relationships. but as i have shown, i can bear life without much of it.

so about appearances, i guess i have said my $1 worth.
so mr m. and i were talking about some random things, like getting a chum for bob to pass the days, kendo trainings, dp people, hall people, pgp food, and the module we are going to take together this coming semester. and then he said something about the aunties in his workplace being single all their lives and being sad about it.

honestly speaking, i believe things aren't as simple as liking someone and just being together. even if the feeling is reciprocal, there are a million factors to consider. liking someone too much is horrible, because the feeling of not being liked as much is just awful; like a black hole sucking you in, even though at the same time the exhilaration of being so incredibly infatuated with somebody brings you to a literal high. and then, being liked more than you like the person back can be a trouble, because of the perpetual feeling of guilt of not having committed as much, or giving back as much as the person has given to you. having been on both sides, sometimes, i think, it's just best to be alone.

how hard is it to find someone who likes you as much as you like the person back?
probably harder than getting me to diet to 40kg. or maybe even 45kg. it's that difficult.

esther and i were talking about hall and expectations about university life, and she lamented to me that things turned out totally unlike she has anticipated, both academically and in terms of relationships and romantic matters. it's that difficult to find a suitable person.
i admit too, that before entering university, i had held unrealistic and rosy expectations of hall life and university life, but i guess, i realised at some point in time, that things never turn out like i expect them to.

mr m. said, actually i can imagine you staying single all your life.
actually, i can visualise it as well. and it's not quite as sad as everyone puts it. but in reality, whether it will really materialise, it's hard to say.
i admit, as my sister said so, i am a person who is afraid of loneliness. someone who would commit suicide if he were alone on the island, even if there were sufficient food and resources to last him his whole lifetime. i just cannot stand being alone.



i think i can bear this feeling, and i like the feeling of enjoying my freedom and youthful for now.
but i don't think i can bear being alone for life.

this is bad.

i'm starting to think i will miss this.
i feel this dreaded churning feeling coming from the pit of my stomach.
it is something i have not experienced for quite some time, not ever after rag.
this substance, it's essence, i believe, is what people call
'longing'

i will miss seeing wayne tekan mrs ng huey fen about her STM only being able to store 6 letters, which happen to be H U A N J I N. i will miss seeing yvonne and giving her 'the eyebrow'. i will miss seeing annabella look blur for a moment when wayne purposely gives her a 'stun' question. i will miss talking to raymond, for just a little while, while we're painting, because it's the only time he seems sensible. i will miss chia ling's unbelievable, what the f*** expression when something cocks up with the design. i will miss screwing screws from under the table with esther, edmund and kaihan. i will miss van coming after her ihg training and apologising profusely and brightening up the dull atmosphere with her blubbly-ness. i will miss kaihui's laughter and the way she says 'THIS IS NOT ORANGE YELLOW LOH!' when the colour han cheng wants, and says is supposedly cream yellow turns awry. i will miss the way madeline laughs quietly at the side when all of us are making a racket. i will miss the long face edmund has when wayne says, 'edmund come, i have something easy for you! ' his random attempts at lame jokes. dang, i ll ever miss the eerie way joshua looms over me sometimes when he just quietly looks at me sawing or painting.

shit.

it's deja vu all over again.
im enjoying it so much, at this very point in time,
it's almost so good i'd not mind joining this again.


dang,
come back to earth, wenlin.

You Are An ISTP

The Mechanic You are calm and collected, even in the most difficult of situations. A person of action and self-direction, you love being independent. To outsiders you seem impulsive, surprising, and unpredictable. You are good at understanding how all things work, except for people. In love, you tend to be very easy going and flexible. The only thing you can't stand for is someone trying to change you or your life. At work, you can stay completely calm under pressure. You handle stress well. You would make an excellent pilot, forensic pathologist, or athlete. How you see yourself: Logical, flexible, and unconventional When other people don't get you, they see you as: Indecisive, flippant, and disrespctful

What's Your Personality Type?

i know this doesn't really count as a post, because i'm semi-lazy cause there's lab tomorrow, and kendo afterwards, and sets even AFTERWARDS, but gah. sigh...

i'm feeling so sickened by having to sit around in hall these afternoons! ask me out!

it was quite some time ago when j and i were eating at this restaurant. i said something about whether he wanted dessert or not and then he replied that guys dont eat sweet things, they eat rice. and he said that chocolate is for girls. and then he went on about how fruits are for children, which i felt, was quite bizarre.

but he ordered dessert anyway, some strawberry colt tower and triple chocolate something myself. and then when the dessert came right, the waitress put the chocolate on in front of him, and the strawberry one in front of me.


i smirked.
chocolate is 'manlier' than strawberry? i figured.
amusing, anyway.

so this is kind of like an anecdote to this post. which is kind of corny because i seldom follow a format, knowing my randomness. you know, incoherence. but it fits in nicely i figure.

as you know, if you do even know me, even if just remotely, i have a lifelong weakness for desserts, or most things sweet for that matter. donuts, chocolates, éclairs,tarts,ice kacang, any kind of dessert or sweet pastry. the only thing i utterly detest that is remotely sweet is pandan cake. which seems to be a hot favourite with many overseas artists and they seem to buy them in the dozens back but this i cannot understand. but never mind that, one anomaly does not refute the trend.


i really don't know why.
sometimes i really just don't eat at all, but excessively at other times.
it's like i eat whatever whenever however i like. at the expense of whatever.

sweet things make me weak in the knees, because... i wonder why.
maybe because it's the mental connection [for me] between sweet things and momentary happiness and bliss. it's a treat when i've done well, a craving to be satisfied, and a comfort when i'm feeling blue. which is detrimental, really.




but sometimes i really feel like my diet is the only thing i can control.
it's always about control, but even something so simple can be so difficult to pull under rein. i just have trouble knowing when to stop sometimes.

however silly that sounds.

i had 1 donut today, anyway.
maybe the 'dessert is stored in another stomach' theory is starting to wear off me.

or maybe it's just the rain.

hot babe is leaving singapore for approximately 5 months today.
come to think of it, it seems like only yesterday that i was perspiring in my dark blue uniform after a long walk from the bus stop into the school porch, adjusting my grey tie with gold strips, self-consciously tugging at my grey skirt, and looking around worriedly amongst the sea of blue.

'hello! my name is hui chiang. what is yours?'

i turned around to face the owner of this booming cheerful voice. behind her black-framed spectacles i could see the sparkle of confidence, but the tinge of insecurity in the corner of her eye mirrored that of my own. i stood motionless for but a split second, then a smile spread slowly across my face.

from that moment on,
i knew i would never be alone.


goodness.
i really dont think i know how much i ll miss her.
there were times we quarrelled and were so cross with each other we'd not speak to each other for days. however insane, we always made up though. i guess this is what they call friendship.
it's been a crazy 7 years. and however far we've temporarily drifted apart, we've always made the effort to bridge the gap.
we've been through everything; the cranky o levels, the drifting jc years, seeing her lose weight and blossom into a beautiful woman, the crazy stint at dragoncity sichuan restaurant battling difficult customers, tacky bosses and sex-deprived chefs, the ntu-nus gap. and now, i wont be able to her for 5 months.
now the 8th year has begun. wife says that it's the 8th year of our friendship, so everything will only be smooth-sailing from now on, because we've passed the first landmark; the 7th year itch! trust her to think of that!


i'll take this as a practice.
because, at least, for now,
when she comes back for 1 semester,
and then has to leave for 2 years again,
i dont think my heart will be able to take it.
--------------------------------------

somehow humming urban stereo songs have made me slightly more sentimental than usual.

apparently there are somethings that just cannot be taught, neither can be learnt from experience. i'm still not thinking with my head, and i despise that. that sometimes even though i set out to decide a certain matter, or do certain things in a certain manner, or already decided on certain decisions, in the end, at the very last minute, i still follow my heart and change my mind.


maybe things are so bad they've become a reflex.
there's nothing to hope for, but i'm still harbouring nebulous hope regardless.

maybe that's what being human is all about.