i'm sitting in front of my laptop now, having this fierce internal struggle with myself.

everytime i miss a kendo training, i become overcome with this immense sense of guilt, and total sense of disappointment at my weakness. i'm really touched by all the advice that people all around me give me, telling me to rest, saying that health is more important, telling me not to push the limit, but ultimately i'm really disgusted with myself.

i kind of know i should rest, because it isn't normal that when you walk, you feel pain near your ankle and between your toes, right? and the doctor said so, not to walk so much, the chinese sin sei said; if your toe drops off, not my fault, rest for one to two weeks, the a&e doctor said.

i guess i'm angry because a small part of myself is kind of lazy and glad that i can slack off and not be there for kendo training and not have to bear 15-30 min of kirikaeshi in bogu and men, and not have to hold on for the 2 hr training. but at the same time, i'm dying to improve, to become strong, to become faster, to become more skilled. i want to be strong, i want to be good; i want to be in the team. but if i don't train, miracles won't happen and i won't suddenly become a mega strong kendo player tomorrow. as not-so-lousy senpai quoted damian sensei, as he put it, the kendo fairy doesn't exist. to improve requires a little talent [not mandatory but helps] and a WHOLE LOT of hard work. and i'm slacking off now. at the crucial period. the youth tournament is in less than 2 months.

yet i know that this is a totally legitimate reason to rest and recuperate.
it's really stupid/silly/insipid/lame [both literally and figuratively]





i really have trouble resolving cognitive dissonances i have within myself. it's horrible, this feeling.

and this is crazy, but
i URGH can't get rid of this guilty feeling about missing training tomorrow! my feet feel like they want to go running so that my stamina won't drop and i won't fall behind!

YES, I KNOW, the doctor just told me not to WALK so much.




sigh.