vjiay liew left this week. it was quite an ambivalent farewell for me. i've always felt like there are a million and 1 things i want to say to him, but whenever his face appears in front of mine, and his hand sweeps on top of my newly-grown hair, the thoughts fall out of my brain and all i can manage is to stutter a half-angry half-nervous HEY!

it won't be the same without him around, though i don't talk to him much in face actually.

all this friends leaving is making me soppy and sentimental.


so, there was dp piecing today.
i can't pretend i'm unaffected, because this is totally affecting me, much more than i'd like it to.
that it has always been about me, and never about hall, or about them.
always about me, not being sure of myself, not having enough confidence, not being self-assured, chickening out, not being able to go under scrutiny. feeling weak, incapable, not daring to try for ihg sports, not daring to go for dance auditions, not daring to do this, not daring to do that.
nobody said that people with no sports background can't try; nobody said that fat girls aren't allowed to dance. it has always been about me. about my lack of confidence, about my feeling weak.

my feet itch. they miss the feeling of being on the bar. i miss the feeling; of my fingers stretching to touch the toes, of leaping around, the slight tinge of pain the moment my body closed in on my leg on the bar, the sound of teacher saying, 'pain is good', the sound of us replying reluctantly in series of moans, of curving my muscular arms in a semicircle above my head however ungraceful i may have looked; i miss the feeling of adrenaline pumping in my veins, as my heart races, the light from the stage, blinding me momentarily as i run to position; the feeling of the beat, 1, 2,3,4, 2, 2, 3, 4, 3,2,3,4... running through my head...i miss the feeling of tapping my toes excitedly to the beat, brainstorming moves, i miss us huddling at the corner of the stage in a circle for warmth, feverishly awaiting the beginning of the performance....


maybe when these things don't matter anymore, like knowing all the right people and having the ideal weight and figure, i'll be able to do it again.

but, not now. not here, at least. i'm not good enough.

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i like sets.
there, i said it.
it's almost as good as last year, if not better.

it's a different experience, being a senior, and being a newbie.
but it's just as good. and i like these people just as much as i like the sets crew 2007/2008.


it's hard to explain.
but i like the feeling; the firm grip of the jigsaw; the slight jerk when i press the button to put the circular saw into action; the sense of satisfaction of screwing in a 2 and 1/2 inch screw cleanly;
i'm not thinking about next year. if i think about it now, i wont even have second thoughts; my name will be in 2008/2009 already. things will just be, as how things go.
i don't like to think about them, because i make emotional decisions when i think too much.
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i really like kendo.
i didn't even think twice about doing honours; it was a granted; because i wanted/want to maximise the possible training years i can have at NUS. insane as it sounds, i want to stay here and train for as long as possible.

there are countless sacrifices we have made, and when we look back, sometimes these things seem absurd, insane, ridiculous. but i never regret it. looking back, i've gotten so much. so many memories, so many intangible things, so many friends and confidants, so much character, so many lessons learnt.
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i'm feeling a little emo today. maybe it's the weekend, and because i'm a little sleepy.
had a nice long chat with mr m. on the bus today, when we met up for dessert. it was his birthday last week, so i promised a treat, which he originally did not like, but finally relented when i complained that guys have this complex of not liking being treated by girls. *smirk*

he says my hair looks disgusting.
*laugh* im actually surprised i had enough confidence to laugh at the remark and retort. and that i wasn't actually squirming inside. maybe, really now, looks are starting not to matter so much to me. not other peoples looks; they never really have; my looks. Maybe these things, like how my hair looks, whether my thighs look too big to wear shorts, or the number that appears on the weighing machine, are starting not to matter that much to me anymore.
like n other people, he insisted that i should grow my hair back.

which i probably am intending to do, but not before experimenting with other hairstyles first. i'm rather excited at the prospect of this, and all the corresponding images that i can don along with the hairstyles. though it has been a wonderful experience, and it WAS rather cool to have a similar looking botak in the rag team, aka mr vijay liew, i don't think i'll do this again, not so soon.

maybe i'll appreciate my hair more when more of it comes back. that i'll actually feel proud when i look at myself in the mirror, that i might actually be even just slightly satisfied at what i see looking back at me. however much it may seem an accessory, i admit, i do like long hair. long hair is overhyped, i think. it's only something thats supposed to keep you warm. however, as i have learnt over the last 1 semester, it can affect your life, the way people perceive you, and even your relationships. but as i have shown, i can bear life without much of it.

so about appearances, i guess i have said my $1 worth.
so mr m. and i were talking about some random things, like getting a chum for bob to pass the days, kendo trainings, dp people, hall people, pgp food, and the module we are going to take together this coming semester. and then he said something about the aunties in his workplace being single all their lives and being sad about it.

honestly speaking, i believe things aren't as simple as liking someone and just being together. even if the feeling is reciprocal, there are a million factors to consider. liking someone too much is horrible, because the feeling of not being liked as much is just awful; like a black hole sucking you in, even though at the same time the exhilaration of being so incredibly infatuated with somebody brings you to a literal high. and then, being liked more than you like the person back can be a trouble, because of the perpetual feeling of guilt of not having committed as much, or giving back as much as the person has given to you. having been on both sides, sometimes, i think, it's just best to be alone.

how hard is it to find someone who likes you as much as you like the person back?
probably harder than getting me to diet to 40kg. or maybe even 45kg. it's that difficult.

esther and i were talking about hall and expectations about university life, and she lamented to me that things turned out totally unlike she has anticipated, both academically and in terms of relationships and romantic matters. it's that difficult to find a suitable person.
i admit too, that before entering university, i had held unrealistic and rosy expectations of hall life and university life, but i guess, i realised at some point in time, that things never turn out like i expect them to.

mr m. said, actually i can imagine you staying single all your life.
actually, i can visualise it as well. and it's not quite as sad as everyone puts it. but in reality, whether it will really materialise, it's hard to say.
i admit, as my sister said so, i am a person who is afraid of loneliness. someone who would commit suicide if he were alone on the island, even if there were sufficient food and resources to last him his whole lifetime. i just cannot stand being alone.



i think i can bear this feeling, and i like the feeling of enjoying my freedom and youthful for now.
but i don't think i can bear being alone for life.