so this is what i did on saturday.

it was supposed to be halloween, but we're weren't doing anything scary of the sort, except maybe that james ordered some black squid ink curry udon which was totally worth a halloween-mention.

pretty much, as expected, parry was busy [with business i presume, literally], hani with law assignments [or so she said] and jenna with goodness-knows-what.

but i guess if you really do want to meet a bunch of people enough, then you'd make time for it, right? not like you can't spare a 4-5 hours? it's just like kendo... even dr ho-aka-never-there-at-supper-if-not-diamonds-will-fall-from-the-sky took time out from his busy medicine-slave schedule to eat with us. he even stayed till dessert!
everyone has his or her obligations, i guess.... sigh.
i was kind of expecting hani and jenna not to be able to make it anyway... so... well....
anyway.

the above photo is a really bad one. you can tell how lousy the waitress is at taking photographs. the framing isn't even decently in place! *outraged* i should have gotten up and taken a decent photograph at least.


and i felt pretty gratified to order a more expensive dish and still have dessert at azabu afterwards, because i saved 20+ dollars on a pair of shoes that i didnt buy. apparently the shoes failed to beautify my feet; they got ugly-fied by my feet instead. so, didn't buy.


this is what i ate, some udon thing with soggy ebi [waited too long for everyone else's orders to come [they should have known to separate the ebi from the soup, right?]


the soup was really good, but the udon got cloying after a while. pft.





us, at azabu. i think i was discussing something serious with jiawei. i mean, it has to be right, if not, why the somber expression?

jw: actually, i dont like banana
me: huh! really, then why order the one with banana?...
jw: but i don't have any money left
me: me neither

so much for a serious conversation...



it was really such a wonderful feeling.
i almost couldn't help yelping '懐かしい！' everytime we talked about something from way back, or when we shared a private joke, or when we talked about things, like, how strict but funny shermaine was, especially when dax was around, or how godspeed's ki-ai sounds like 'men-aaaaa!', or how estee is nice despiter her serious looking exterior. and things like juniors, peter sensei at 5th dan, gys, etc, james eagerly listened to us as we fed him and the others with updates....

it was kind of weird, cause the 4 of them who aren't in kendo anymore sat at one table, and the other 4 of us at the other table; but it wasn't on purpose i swear... and not that i feel any segregation between us, not at all... the feeling was fantastic, superb, brilliant... 気持ちがいい！すごく楽しい、嬉しい！[wonder if the kanji and hiragana will come out right...]

we were just sitting there, reading the japanese menu, amusing ourselves with words like 'ka-ni-na-be', and what else... 'bu-ka-ke' [frmph]... and then occasionally james and ck would break into fluent japanese and start talking to each other, james correcting ck's grammar/bunkei [not that i could tell who was more correct, that is] and weijun and jiawei would say 'just laugh' and pretend to understand even if they didnt...

come to think of it, it was really all because of these guys, that i could/can come so far in kendo. i know how people say that it's really self-motivation and an inner desire to want to go far in something, but i believe the people around you really make a difference. like how godspeed talked to me the other time when he noticed people from my batch dropping out from kendo...
it really matters.

till now, i don't think i can ever forget what it felt like when j left kendo.
and then that same kind of feeling repeated itself when jiawei injured his arm and had to take a break.





i don't know really. but now, when im bored and have nothing to do but look at old photographs, it is still with a fondness and softness in my heart that i think to myself,

natsukashii.
sigh.

thanks to shazzy wazzy, i know where beautiful-shoes are from! which means, im going to spend more money. but it makes me deliriously happy. but wait till i try them out, which will be on saturday, if i do get to.

my ugly big feet inside the white dainty satin shoes.
maybe it'll beautify my feet.
or maybe my feet will ugly-fy the shoes.

whatever the case, i will decide then and there, whether or not, it is worth the price.

today sensei said,
aspire to beat your sensei, your seniors. that will give them motivation to train harder and not to be beaten by you. and that will give you motivation to train and a goal.

i've been thinking about beating him for really long,
and sometimes i think to myself,
when will that happen?




i must become strong.

i was talking to bingxi the other day, and like all other times, he kind of inspired me to do something slightly crazy.


i'm just wondering how long i'll hold out.

well,
we'll see.

nothing better than a little retail therapy to cheer me up.
not that i'm the kind of girl who would feel legitimatized to wearing a tee-shirt with the caption 'i'm a shopaholic, can't help it!'....

in fact, the kind of attitude i adopt towards shopping is one of ultimate disdain.
perhaps it's because i was brought up in a non-extravagant family, with ideals of saving-for-a-rainy-day, and never-spending-more-than you-absolutely-need, i hate the kind of feeling i have when i see some thing that catches my eye, but is way out of budget, [owing to my inborn or perhaps nurtured frugality] or something in budget but just doesn't fit the bill...

just, a chore.

i mean, MAYBE i'd really enjoy shopping, if i had endless amounts of money to spend on these material goods, but then there'd still be the problem of my kiam-siap nature... i dont think i can ever change that prudent mentality... difficult.



but it's a little weird. maybe i'm starting to embrace womanly-ideals and notions, or maybe i've just snapped out of my cheapskate-phase; i'm starting to enjoy shopping a little more.
starting to think that footwear, clothes, accessories; blah blah, are important.
willing to spend a little more on them, even if it's prices i would have deemed as insanely absurd had it been myself in the past.

oh well, but i'm enjoying it.
but now, to find the financial means to sustain it.

my guilty pleasure,ill gotten grains/gains? for the week [i never knew which was the correct one, sigh]



me then: anything beyond $5 is crazy for a pair of slippers

this pair of slippers costs $23.90.
and they make me insanely happy. well, almost.

[no more excuse to mom; my no-grooves dangerous-in-wet-weather hazard slippers can finally rest in peace]













me then: spending hundreds for sports shoes is absurd

don't ask how much this pair costs; but i still wont spend more than 150 for a pair. not now, i dont think ever.
my final insistence.

[no more excuse not to run, my no-sole sports shoes can finally retire in peace]









and this.



i'm still looking for this.

i saw this at my neighbour's door. the only thing that kept me from taking it away was my sanity. goodness, luckily i still have it. aren't they pretty? i'm even prepared to pay $30 for them. maybe even $40.

i think i must be mad.









alright,

emptier wallets, but happier feet.

feeling a little demoralised today.

i dont know why, but sometimes i dont feel like doing anything but sleeping. like today. just lying on my bed and sleeping. in the warmth of my bed, under the security of my blanket, with the comfort of my pillow. under the assurance of my siblings, and the protection of my parents.

dont want to go to school, dont want to do anything.



ah, random thoughts.

i cant seem to do anything now.
it's like a spoilt tape that keeps playing over and over again in my head, and i keep seeing the mistakes i made, the chances i could have taken but missed, the cuts that weren't on form, and my pathetic self...
it keeps replaying in my head, replaying, replaying...
can't focus, can't think. i think i need some sleep, to digest today's training, pick up strength and focus to train again on thursday.

and then there i am, hitting myself on the men and cursing mentally [and verbally too] at my mistakes. it's an awful feeling to not live up to expectations. especially when they are your own.

all think, no do.
i think i think too much.
thinking about improving is not enough; you just improve.

when damian sensei said that,
something wenhao said kind of echoed through my mind
your own kendo is your own responsibility.


now, that's something that will be on my mind for quite some time.
----------------------------------------------------

and so i talked to sunshine on saturday morning.
he kind of caught me offguard, cause he came online and started the conversation totally when i didnt expect him to [not busy meh, OCS, and weekends are the only bookout times...]
but then we talked a little, [quite a lot actually], then i sent him the clazziquai album, which isnt so new already, haha but who cares about these things.

it's quite a nostalgic feeling to talk to sunshine.

reminds me of the times when i was playing truant in my jc 2, when i was studying for a levels, when he was doing projects, and stuff...
come to think of it, we've known each other for pretty long ...

i think he's gotten wiser.
so wise, i think he can be a wisdom consultant [if there's such a thing]
we had one of those thought-provoking conversations, and he left me with some food for thought for the weekend. which was, pretty interesting.

i hope army doesnt give him too hard a time, since he's doing his part for the nation protecting helpess civilians like yours truly. *smirk* oh well.






i miss wife. need to get my pair of shoes soon, run to her house, and talk to her!
just her reassuring smile....


i think i ll need to go to a corner and tell myself very softly,
'wenlin, jia you!'

or maybe just a lot of sleep.
ok, i think i ll sleep.

<--------- censored------------------->


thank goodness.

a good afternoon of sleep always makes me feel stronger.





i feel like i can face anything now.
well, almost.

random picture of the day:


white dog bobby.










gosh, i cannot believe how much i miss weiling.
and i cannot believe seriously how stupid i look in this picture, trying to act retarded [well maybe i am, i dont have to act] like the silly buck-toothed brown rabbit [coincidence? i would say a stroke of genius] while weiling, being her natural cute and lovable self, bears a natural striking resemblance to white dog bobby.

we do stupid things sometimes.

and thanks to miao, for the fantastic framing. had trouble convincing her that, contrary to her belief, she has rather steady hands; no need for flash. [i like dark pictures better than overexposed and shiny-oily-nose ones anyway]


i miss you guys.

i miss the times when we were 15, when we could yell around in class, sing lame self-madeup lyrics to pop songs, flounce around in our blue and grey school uniforms, and laugh at mr tan whenever he made some cynical/sarcastic/half-funny comment.



goodness,
i really am old.

the more settled i get in kendo, the less i feel like there's a place where i belong in eusoff. not that the two are mutually exclusive; in fact, i believe, they used to exist in a kind of happy overlap for me. too much of sets, a little kendo. kendo tiring, sets is refreshing. and so on. i guess maybe it's just in my nature to bum around and jump from things to things.

but lately i feel like im drifting further and further away from hall...


i haven't told my folks about my supposed joining sets. i can't imagine how extreme their reactions will be. but now i remember that i promised my mom i wont be doing anything of this kind after rag. she's quite worried i think. shit. i hate it. being a sucker for promises. and then esther was kind of the person who persuaded me to join sets. that's another promise, that i'd stick it through with her, for the 8 weeks of sets [it doesnt sound so bad, does it? not until you heard that its on a daily basis. i imagine i'll be quite shacked/shagged [however you spell it]]. and then, i promised ming wayne that'd i'd join and stick it through even if i'm not staying next year.

and can you imagine, how big a promise that is? i've known ming wayne since orientation, which is like, way, way behind. we've stuck through spazzola, dp sets, and crazy rag 0708 together, tolerated/or not tolerated each other. and now, with a sinking sense of dread and disappointment, he's the only one besides me that was from dp sets 0607 who's in dp sets 0708.
that's a freaking big promise i made. damn it.

damn, i'm really a sucker for promises, like my kid sister told me. i wish i could do things like i really wanted to. i think i've lived my life too much in the shadows of people's expectations. fulfilling obligations, carrying out responsibilitites, being the 'dependable, always there' one. i guess i like being trusted, but its so tiring and infuriating sometimes. i just want to live life the way i want, do things that i want, do them the way i want, so be it if that's recklessly.

i should just fulfill my promise to esther and ming wayne. then just f*** eusoff hall and leave.
but then i ll have enough points to stay next year, and there seems no reason not to, except that
my family financial situation isn'treally fantastic, and i'm not really doing anything to try to salvage it. not that i demand like absurdly enormous amounts of pocket money from my mother, but hall is damn expensive. and it's not that great that it's made up to be. maybe it's just me, but i guess i kind of had enough of this hall, some of it's stuck up people and disgusting way of looking at/doing things. if i can't integrate, i leave.

and im missing home a lot. so many things happened/are happening; i wish i could be there when my parents and my sisters need me. i miss home...

but no matter what, staying in eusoff has been a bittersweet experience. without eusoff, there wouldnt be spazzola, ming wayne, jiejing, jason, eusoffworks, huan jin, dp sets, joshua, hong jin, firus, mr m., albert, weiqi, huiro, rag, vijay liew, cek gu, hui ying, the whole lot burly bunch, and most of all, esther ng cheng teng. i cannot put in words how grateful i am to her, and how i cherish her as a friend. never mind we've known each other for less than a year; never mind we sometimes get into quarrels over singapore-malaysia issues, never mind she advocates fashion and accesories buying whilst i'm a staunch believer of emptier-wallets-but-happier-stomachs...

sigh.
all this is making it really hard for me to leave.
why do DECISIONS HAVE TO BE SO HARD TO MAKE!? WHY CANT EVERYONE BE HAPPY? =(

i hate making decisions. it's horrible, cause there's no way to make everybody happy. maybe if i died on the spot it could solve problems? but probably it wouldnt.

ok, so what i have to do is to decide the sets thing.
and once i've decided, i have to decide how to pacify my parents/my friends, whichever side i disappoint.
and i have to find a freaking job, because i dont want my folks to have to slog it out while i happily spend their money just to enjoy fringe benefits of convenience of staying on campus [which is basically the only thing i'm enjoying, actually. hall isnt that great.]



somebody, tell me what to do.
i must be strong.

as usual, there was training today.

i'm really looking forward to next week, actually just for this week to end;
meeting wife, hot babe and kon on saturday, might have shinai maintenance before that, then training next monday, and then the seniors' award presentation on wednesday, and then training again.

i dont know, but i always see training as 'the hardest thing in the week'.
it's like some huge milestone or hurdle in the week, and after it, its always like the feeling of
'this week was wonderful and the weekend will be so great' feeling will overwhelm me.
i feel like some kid from kindergarten being given candy. *amused*

like after training, there's always this wonderful sense of satisfaction and accomplishment whether or not i managed to score an ippon [though i'd always like to =(] and stuff cause i always feel like i have so much to learn and do and such a long way to becoming strong. sigh/



i want to be strong.

and i can't quite stop myself from heaving a sigh through my men whenever wenhao says 'again!' after we tou-tai, but i'm always glad i dont give in and drop out during training. it's a really, really, really good feeling. of being able to do a kirikaeshi within 2 breaths, even if near the end i feel like im dying already.

it's kind of scary when he scrutinizes you during a practice or what, but i think maybe only i think in that way. its the feeling of not wanting to let someone down, especially when that person's opinion of you matters that much to you, and when the person has expressed certain hopes and expectations of you. it's like doubly annoying when i cant perform as well as i'd like to;

when people ask me about kendo, and why anyone would want to join such a injury-inflicting, costly, high-maintenance, difficult, physically straining, time-consuming activity,
i really dont know how to reply. i just smile, and i say, people outside of it wont understand.

last year, at this point of time, i was looking at the sole of my foot, and sometimes questioning myself, in the middle of a suburi cut, looking at the clock; when will this end? and things like rei-ho seemed so abstract, so faraway to me. i felt like i didnt really know anyone, and i didnt really know what i was doing, except that i was interested in kendo.

looking at the juniors now, and jesse teaching them, reminds me of the good ol' times, with shermaine and dax, respectively in the red bogu [both of them wear red bogu, i wonder if thats a coincidence, haha] leading us in training, and us freshies, all blur and like feeling lousy, looking at all the strong senpai, zhenfeng, zhenyuan, yongkai, ju yueon, estee etc. and wondering how long it would take us to be allowed to hit a men target.


and it's really a feeling of growing. of being attached, of making and keeping friends, of learning things that cant be learnt from elsewhere.

and for that,
i'm grateful.



anyway, something amusing during training;
when he turned around and said 'miss tan', i was so shocked i nearly dropped my shinai.

i'm still not quite used to it.

for about 5 minutes, it felt just like the good ol' times, with the 5 of us sitting at the last table in the dining hall, talk about random things, eating our breakfast, the sunshine baking our faces.


it felt so good i wish it didn't have to end.

ok, finally after quite long, i've found a unperishable that i actually want to buy.




















it's one of those adverts that i chance upon on the course of a mundane, random, boring shopping trip, talking with my friends, walking pass streams of noisy crowds and claustrophia-causing shops...i turn around, and by chance its there. it takes me 1 second as i pass it by, then i do a double take and turn around, and end up standing in front of the advertisement, just staring and staring...

I remember the last time that happened was when i was in secondary school. it was after choir practice and i was waiting at the IBS [international bus stop, cedarian and marist-only lingo] with jayanthi, and we were talking and when i turned to look i saw this huge ad of this guy for calvin klein and i really, really loved the ad. it was a fantastic photograph. i searched all around online for it but just couldnt find it ever again...


anyway randomness.

i was talking to chengteng about shopping, and she was concerned with my obvious lack of interest in it, or, specifically, lack of interest in clothes shopping. she then proceeded to go on talking excitedly about how she would save money on eating so that she can buy clothes and shoes because she loves clothes and shoes. not that she buys very expensive stuff, but she has seriously A LOT of clothes. maybe it's me, but she has like, BOXES AND BOXES of clothes can. like huge ikea storage boxes of clothes before she hung them up when we moved from A block to B block after the holidays ended. and like DOZENS DOZENS of shoes.

i know im an anomaly with respect to this [considering i have the xx chromosome but have less than 20 hangers worth of going-out clothes inside my closet in hall] but im really not exaggerating chengteng's avid love of clothes and all things wearable. maybe im just being some cheapskate lousy poke aunty moke [ok i really dont know whats that] but i really dont see the point in buying clothes. not much

i tried to reason with chengteng about how money can be better spent on other things like food, music and books. food, especially, seems to be a large part of my life. live to eat; my life principle. eat to live; epitome of ms ng chengteng. i dont know really; despite knowing deep in my gut that any wonderful perishable i ingest will return to nature in the form of waste material i still cant seem to tear myself away from the wonderful feeling of eating a delicious perishable. even if sometimes i have to pay a slightly more absurd price for it. same for a book or a cd.




different ways of looking at things, i guess.

anyway today, miao, wei and i enjoyed quite a few delectable perishables before they perished in our stomachs. emptier wallets but happier stomachs.

[<------in due respect of an old friendship, an a old friend, this part has been removed--->]

and some other people annoy me to the point that i dread the thought of even going to breakfast or dinner because the near thought of having to bear snide insults/goodnatured joshing [depending on how you view things] every other statement the person makes results in a loss of appetite. it also irks me profoundly how this person's every word and action seems to have immense impact on my friend... i seriously don't understand. what is it the person has against me, and why i always have to be the butt of the person's jokes. and worse still why my friend actually cares about what this person says. she gets all highstrung and stressed out and low self-esteem just because of some side remark the person muttered. it irritates the shit out of me.



i'm just wondering what kind of replies this post will get. but im pretty sure that im going to post this, and not edit it afterwards, because these are my exact sentiments, and do not need to be censored. i've prettymuch had it with keeping quiet and tolerating.

so much for friends in hall.

at least when i try to count, i need to use one hand, not none.