the more settled i get in kendo, the less i feel like there's a place where i belong in eusoff. not that the two are mutually exclusive; in fact, i believe, they used to exist in a kind of happy overlap for me. too much of sets, a little kendo. kendo tiring, sets is refreshing. and so on. i guess maybe it's just in my nature to bum around and jump from things to things.

but lately i feel like im drifting further and further away from hall...


i haven't told my folks about my supposed joining sets. i can't imagine how extreme their reactions will be. but now i remember that i promised my mom i wont be doing anything of this kind after rag. she's quite worried i think. shit. i hate it. being a sucker for promises. and then esther was kind of the person who persuaded me to join sets. that's another promise, that i'd stick it through with her, for the 8 weeks of sets [it doesnt sound so bad, does it? not until you heard that its on a daily basis. i imagine i'll be quite shacked/shagged [however you spell it]]. and then, i promised ming wayne that'd i'd join and stick it through even if i'm not staying next year.

and can you imagine, how big a promise that is? i've known ming wayne since orientation, which is like, way, way behind. we've stuck through spazzola, dp sets, and crazy rag 0708 together, tolerated/or not tolerated each other. and now, with a sinking sense of dread and disappointment, he's the only one besides me that was from dp sets 0607 who's in dp sets 0708.
that's a freaking big promise i made. damn it.

damn, i'm really a sucker for promises, like my kid sister told me. i wish i could do things like i really wanted to. i think i've lived my life too much in the shadows of people's expectations. fulfilling obligations, carrying out responsibilitites, being the 'dependable, always there' one. i guess i like being trusted, but its so tiring and infuriating sometimes. i just want to live life the way i want, do things that i want, do them the way i want, so be it if that's recklessly.

i should just fulfill my promise to esther and ming wayne. then just f*** eusoff hall and leave.
but then i ll have enough points to stay next year, and there seems no reason not to, except that
my family financial situation isn'treally fantastic, and i'm not really doing anything to try to salvage it. not that i demand like absurdly enormous amounts of pocket money from my mother, but hall is damn expensive. and it's not that great that it's made up to be. maybe it's just me, but i guess i kind of had enough of this hall, some of it's stuck up people and disgusting way of looking at/doing things. if i can't integrate, i leave.

and im missing home a lot. so many things happened/are happening; i wish i could be there when my parents and my sisters need me. i miss home...

but no matter what, staying in eusoff has been a bittersweet experience. without eusoff, there wouldnt be spazzola, ming wayne, jiejing, jason, eusoffworks, huan jin, dp sets, joshua, hong jin, firus, mr m., albert, weiqi, huiro, rag, vijay liew, cek gu, hui ying, the whole lot burly bunch, and most of all, esther ng cheng teng. i cannot put in words how grateful i am to her, and how i cherish her as a friend. never mind we've known each other for less than a year; never mind we sometimes get into quarrels over singapore-malaysia issues, never mind she advocates fashion and accesories buying whilst i'm a staunch believer of emptier-wallets-but-happier-stomachs...

sigh.
all this is making it really hard for me to leave.
why do DECISIONS HAVE TO BE SO HARD TO MAKE!? WHY CANT EVERYONE BE HAPPY? =(

i hate making decisions. it's horrible, cause there's no way to make everybody happy. maybe if i died on the spot it could solve problems? but probably it wouldnt.

ok, so what i have to do is to decide the sets thing.
and once i've decided, i have to decide how to pacify my parents/my friends, whichever side i disappoint.
and i have to find a freaking job, because i dont want my folks to have to slog it out while i happily spend their money just to enjoy fringe benefits of convenience of staying on campus [which is basically the only thing i'm enjoying, actually. hall isnt that great.]



somebody, tell me what to do.
i must be strong.