i like the feeling of absence.
its the kind of mild, gentle sadness that swallows you when you re sitting inside your room, looking out your window, at the tiny, almost insignificant raindrops on a cool, breezy night.
then i want your arms.
then i want to snuggle up.
then i want to hide in your warm embrace.
its the feeling of appreciation because something isnt there.
precisely because of its absence; i miss it so much more, more often
its the feeling of being empty and half full at the same time.
loneliness overwhelms me; i am slowly being eaten away.
but your warmth surrounds me; and how can i ignore your wonderful existence?
my brain is idle; my hands cold
but how can it be
that every moment
i feel your presence lurking; your hands holding mine
i am not thinking of anything, anyone, anywhere
yet, it is you, your presence, right here, that is by my side.
things are only ever truly beautiful when they are lost.
beauty comes from the brilliance of regret.
*mouth curls into a cheschire cat grin*
i like to brood when its raining.
it always feels the same.
but it never really is.
Wednesday, 30 August 2006
okay, so i can just sit in the middle of the city square, put a signboard across my chest that says,
'look at me, this is all you need.
i AM art.'
right.
i am going to draw a a picture based on minimalist ideals.
its one of those sleepless nights [thanks to teh tarik from you-know-where-yes-where-yes-there-there's-nowhere-else-to-go-to-anyway]
to my chagrin.
im kind of getting used to hall life already. used to life being surrounded by greek gods and goddesses [with buns of steel and washboard abs] ah. *sigh*. its not that bad. really. its a nice feeling. i mean, the internet connection is n times faster than at home, n -----> infinity...
well.
im even starting to get used to the cai fun [fun cai? cai fun? i never get it right... who cares anyway!] thing we have for dinner... urgh. soon i will abandon my pro-noodles ideals and switch to become an advocate of rice....right. like that will ever really happen...maybe i should try wheat. or oat. or something [ok, oats is like so horsey. dont ask me why; it just is]
haven't drawn a piece for so long. kind of itching. but i know once i start, i ll probably not stop until i use up half an eraser [and leave countless pencil marks on the white sheet]...brought some materials back from home... but i still need my trusty colour pencils. yay, german colour pencils make me happy.
everyone at hall is kind of nice. everyone in my philo tutorial is kind of nice. everyone in chinese lect is kind of nice. kind of nice is kind of vague, but... these kind of things are intangible... like... say.... art. i mean, if the utility/enjoyment/value/profit/whatever you obtained from things as aesthetic as art and as nebulous as social relationships could be measured, then...
ok, my chain of thoughts is like totally incoherent and irrelevant and unstructured and mundane and...[incoherence is my thought process... but that cant be a thought process right... it implies the lack of one; it doesnt qualify as one.... ok ok
*throws hands up into the air*
music, take me over.
'look at me, this is all you need.
i AM art.'
right.
i am going to draw a a picture based on minimalist ideals.
its one of those sleepless nights [thanks to teh tarik from you-know-where-yes-where-yes-there-there's-nowhere-else-to-go-to-anyway]
to my chagrin.
im kind of getting used to hall life already. used to life being surrounded by greek gods and goddesses [with buns of steel and washboard abs] ah. *sigh*. its not that bad. really. its a nice feeling. i mean, the internet connection is n times faster than at home, n -----> infinity...
well.
im even starting to get used to the cai fun [fun cai? cai fun? i never get it right... who cares anyway!] thing we have for dinner... urgh. soon i will abandon my pro-noodles ideals and switch to become an advocate of rice....right. like that will ever really happen...maybe i should try wheat. or oat. or something [ok, oats is like so horsey. dont ask me why; it just is]
haven't drawn a piece for so long. kind of itching. but i know once i start, i ll probably not stop until i use up half an eraser [and leave countless pencil marks on the white sheet]...brought some materials back from home... but i still need my trusty colour pencils. yay, german colour pencils make me happy.
everyone at hall is kind of nice. everyone in my philo tutorial is kind of nice. everyone in chinese lect is kind of nice. kind of nice is kind of vague, but... these kind of things are intangible... like... say.... art. i mean, if the utility/enjoyment/value/profit/whatever you obtained from things as aesthetic as art and as nebulous as social relationships could be measured, then...
ok, my chain of thoughts is like totally incoherent and irrelevant and unstructured and mundane and...[incoherence is my thought process... but that cant be a thought process right... it implies the lack of one; it doesnt qualify as one.... ok ok
*throws hands up into the air*
music, take me over.
Friday, 25 August 2006
you know its no big surprise that you re a virtual comp idiot [yes, virtually a virtual comp idiot. my mouth is dripping with acid] when ...
your laptop hangs when you use microsoft word.
you know you have THE WORLD'S LOUSIEST COMPUTER when...
your computer hangs when you use notepad [oh come on. yes, i know nobody uses notepad these days. thats the whole point.]
when your school wireless connection is n times faster than your house broadband internet connection [where n is a number -------> infinity]
when you have to press refresh at least 3 times for a webpage to load...
when your computer cant recognise your thumb drive but every other computer and laptop can...
when you can't even remember when it was the computer was purchased...
when you' d rather stay in hall because using your lappy is so much faster than your house computer...
when it takes half an hour for a 2 minute youtube video to load...
oh bollocks. tell me how i have been tolerating this.
i just never SAW the problem. just kind of ignored it; denied its existence.
and that explains.
how i became the computer idiot i am today.
your laptop hangs when you use microsoft word.
you know you have THE WORLD'S LOUSIEST COMPUTER when...
your computer hangs when you use notepad [oh come on. yes, i know nobody uses notepad these days. thats the whole point.]
when your school wireless connection is n times faster than your house broadband internet connection [where n is a number -------> infinity]
when you have to press refresh at least 3 times for a webpage to load...
when your computer cant recognise your thumb drive but every other computer and laptop can...
when you can't even remember when it was the computer was purchased...
when you' d rather stay in hall because using your lappy is so much faster than your house computer...
when it takes half an hour for a 2 minute youtube video to load...
oh bollocks. tell me how i have been tolerating this.
i just never SAW the problem. just kind of ignored it; denied its existence.
and that explains.
how i became the computer idiot i am today.
Thursday, 24 August 2006
its the kind of thing i ve always dreamed of but never happened to me.
yay.
im not the kind of emo person who knows how to phrase my thanks nicely;
i ve always had this wakward relationship with language
but you know what im trying to say, ok?
=)
thanks guys.
i may have had my doubts and insecurities at the beginning, but as every minute passes, this sense of assurance grows stronger [yes, soon i will be feeling secure enough such that i dont need to carry a huge bag around with me all the time to protect my vulnerable self]
its a nice feeling.
thanks man.
i will remember this forever [if i dont get alzheimers that is... did i spell that correctly? frmph.]
you are my sunshine, you define me.
yay.
im not the kind of emo person who knows how to phrase my thanks nicely;
i ve always had this wakward relationship with language
but you know what im trying to say, ok?
=)
thanks guys.
i may have had my doubts and insecurities at the beginning, but as every minute passes, this sense of assurance grows stronger [yes, soon i will be feeling secure enough such that i dont need to carry a huge bag around with me all the time to protect my vulnerable self]
its a nice feeling.
thanks man.
i will remember this forever [if i dont get alzheimers that is... did i spell that correctly? frmph.]
you are my sunshine, you define me.
Wednesday, 23 August 2006
i keep dreaming of being somewhere else other than here.
it is only in your arms that i feel secure.
i keep seeing something that wont materialise.
it is only the nebulous hope of future that keeps me alive.
i keep wishing you were here by my side.
it is only this way i will feel anything can suffice.
i keep sleeping and never want to wake up.
it is only in my deep slumber that serenity be with me.
i keep telling myself to forget the past.
it is only this way i can look towards the future.
its a shame; the way you hold my hand
its a shame; the way you look at me
im never gonna feel the same
can i lose myself inside of your soul?
without a doubt, i know its here i belong
--------------------------------------------------------
this is an emo post. dont worry, im still my sunshine and grass.
it is only in your arms that i feel secure.
i keep seeing something that wont materialise.
it is only the nebulous hope of future that keeps me alive.
i keep wishing you were here by my side.
it is only this way i will feel anything can suffice.
i keep sleeping and never want to wake up.
it is only in my deep slumber that serenity be with me.
i keep telling myself to forget the past.
it is only this way i can look towards the future.
its a shame; the way you hold my hand
its a shame; the way you look at me
im never gonna feel the same
can i lose myself inside of your soul?
without a doubt, i know its here i belong
--------------------------------------------------------
this is an emo post. dont worry, im still my sunshine and grass.
Tuesday, 22 August 2006
| Your Blog Should Be Green |
 |
What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?
what better post than this to celebrate my 300th post and the upcoming big occasion?
im getting older.
im feeling the age already.
Sunday, 20 August 2006
this weekend was a rather eventful and interesting one. maybe because [watashi wa] hougan nihon gakko de nihongo o benkyoshimasen deshita. [maybe precisely because of that! heh heh...] the q-anime alien-person that he drew on our [qiu ping and mine] exam sheets when we got full marks and his overall otaku disposition ...
....
T_T
funny [as in funny-weird, not haha-funny] things always happen to me...
anyway, believe it or not, overcome by a bout of goodness-knows-what, i wore dundees.
yes, you did not read wrongly; i wore dundees.
more details later.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
details now.
^of clothes and such^
i saw it coming when hui chiang came back from taiwan, donning a golden hairband and a faded overall, all refreshed and 'kira kira'... i saw it coming...
i knew overalls would make a comeback. heh.
i quickly dug out the pair of overalls-skirt-dress that had been lying around in my cupboard serving no purpose all this while [besides collecting dust and being potential home for moths and all clothes-eating creatures alike...
ok, so maybe i did see it coming.
the last time i wore it, a guy asked me if i came from a kindergarten karaoke singing competition. wow, like, thanks. *cynical-acid-sourness*
sigh.
qiu han said it s going to take a while for the trend in taiwan to spread over here.
-_- i dont think dundees will ever be popular again in singapore.
im contemplating burning the darn thing. heh
it doesnt help that my oh-so-youthful-baby-face takes a couple of years off my actual age.
all the while i ve been wishing that i could look older, so people would actually take me more seriously.
anyway, thats besides the point.
never mind i wore dundees to steamboat.
i had a hell of a time wearing dundees to steamboat, to my chagrin. [haw haw, now that shows that its the company that matters, not the attire nor the activity or location. im totally convinced. *smirk*]
^of friends more kira kira than gems^
i havent seen hui chiang for so long. its like she lost some of the kira kira she had initially from the taiwan trip. but she still looks like shes in good spirits. qiu ping looks the same [having seen her only a few days ago anyway, heh =P] and wife looks slimmer [must congratulate her on her successful slimming technique, though she argues that we should have complimented her 3 months ago, because she stopped dieting since then. -__- perhaps its a serious case of human reaction time, haha. not 0.03 secs but 3 months...]
apparently i think i make it super-duper-uber obvious what i like. haha
because everyone got me something i really like.
[okay, maybe its because almost all the stuff i got was green in colour... im biased! ok, ok, im admitting... haha/]
^of anticipation^
cant wait for our movie date on wednesday!
yay =D hahahhaa *giggles in a girly manner* [ok, that would never happen, but you can imagine it, right? haha and i can smirk at you imagining it...]
meeting weiling and darell tmr... YAY. hahaha
tmr onwards im going to carry that bag just to guai lan people... cant wait! hahaha haw haw haw
^uchi de nani o shimasu? ...^
im really feeling like an extremely bad sister and daughter nowadays.
mom is so nice and caring and understanding and she doesnt even nag at me anymore... gosh.
and dad is like so nice also...
and I CANT BELIEVE IT
TWZ ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO PLAY BADMINTON WITH HER
*jaw drops*
hahahahhahaa no words can express the kind of joy and exhilaration that surged through me.
anyway, we played 'THE WORLD'S LOUSIEST BADMINTON GAME'
and she was awarded [selfproclaimed] 'MOST INTERESTING SERVE'
honestly. its like when she serves, the shuttle cock does this slow-mo slight spiral-twist-twirl thingie that totally puts her opponent off [cause honestly you dont know which direction it ll end up going ] .... and its not even intentional! ['my serving is just lousy ok!']
you ll have to see it for yourself.
i mean, we played half-court la. hahaha.
and we played it the void deck.
my serves were the standard-projectile-motion-following-a-trajectory-serves.
her hits kept rebounding against the not-so-high void deck ceiling; we ended up laughing away half of the game.
i have a feeling if we film it down and put it on youtube we ll be the number one hit in a couple of days.
hahahahahaha. =3
and im so happy dad remembered. haha. yay. =) and he did NOT , like past years, give me a book which won either the pulitzer prize or some prize... he gave me a thumb drive =D yeah
and like past years,
there was a cake. =3
la dee dum.
its nice that so many people remembered.
the only reason i remembered this year was because the insurance agency sent a card to me around 1 week ago.
i was like, huh? oh.
=D
its a nice warm fuzzy feeling to be remembered.
....
T_T
funny [as in funny-weird, not haha-funny] things always happen to me...
anyway, believe it or not, overcome by a bout of goodness-knows-what, i wore dundees.
yes, you did not read wrongly; i wore dundees.
more details later.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
details now.
^of clothes and such^
i saw it coming when hui chiang came back from taiwan, donning a golden hairband and a faded overall, all refreshed and 'kira kira'... i saw it coming...
i knew overalls would make a comeback. heh.
i quickly dug out the pair of overalls-skirt-dress that had been lying around in my cupboard serving no purpose all this while [besides collecting dust and being potential home for moths and all clothes-eating creatures alike...
ok, so maybe i did see it coming.
the last time i wore it, a guy asked me if i came from a kindergarten karaoke singing competition. wow, like, thanks. *cynical-acid-sourness*
sigh.
qiu han said it s going to take a while for the trend in taiwan to spread over here.
-_- i dont think dundees will ever be popular again in singapore.
im contemplating burning the darn thing. heh
it doesnt help that my oh-so-youthful-baby-face takes a couple of years off my actual age.
all the while i ve been wishing that i could look older, so people would actually take me more seriously.
anyway, thats besides the point.
never mind i wore dundees to steamboat.
i had a hell of a time wearing dundees to steamboat, to my chagrin. [haw haw, now that shows that its the company that matters, not the attire nor the activity or location. im totally convinced. *smirk*]
^of friends more kira kira than gems^
i havent seen hui chiang for so long. its like she lost some of the kira kira she had initially from the taiwan trip. but she still looks like shes in good spirits. qiu ping looks the same [having seen her only a few days ago anyway, heh =P] and wife looks slimmer [must congratulate her on her successful slimming technique, though she argues that we should have complimented her 3 months ago, because she stopped dieting since then. -__- perhaps its a serious case of human reaction time, haha. not 0.03 secs but 3 months...]
apparently i think i make it super-duper-uber obvious what i like. haha
because everyone got me something i really like.
[okay, maybe its because almost all the stuff i got was green in colour... im biased! ok, ok, im admitting... haha/]
^of anticipation^
cant wait for our movie date on wednesday!
yay =D hahahhaa *giggles in a girly manner* [ok, that would never happen, but you can imagine it, right? haha and i can smirk at you imagining it...]
meeting weiling and darell tmr... YAY. hahaha
tmr onwards im going to carry that bag just to guai lan people... cant wait! hahaha haw haw haw
^uchi de nani o shimasu? ...^
im really feeling like an extremely bad sister and daughter nowadays.
mom is so nice and caring and understanding and she doesnt even nag at me anymore... gosh.
and dad is like so nice also...
and I CANT BELIEVE IT
TWZ ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO PLAY BADMINTON WITH HER
*jaw drops*
hahahahhahaa no words can express the kind of joy and exhilaration that surged through me.
anyway, we played 'THE WORLD'S LOUSIEST BADMINTON GAME'
and she was awarded [selfproclaimed] 'MOST INTERESTING SERVE'
honestly. its like when she serves, the shuttle cock does this slow-mo slight spiral-twist-twirl thingie that totally puts her opponent off [cause honestly you dont know which direction it ll end up going ] .... and its not even intentional! ['my serving is just lousy ok!']
you ll have to see it for yourself.
i mean, we played half-court la. hahaha.
and we played it the void deck.
my serves were the standard-projectile-motion-following-a-trajectory-serves.
her hits kept rebounding against the not-so-high void deck ceiling; we ended up laughing away half of the game.
i have a feeling if we film it down and put it on youtube we ll be the number one hit in a couple of days.
hahahahahaha. =3
and im so happy dad remembered. haha. yay. =) and he did NOT , like past years, give me a book which won either the pulitzer prize or some prize... he gave me a thumb drive =D yeah
and like past years,
there was a cake. =3
la dee dum.
its nice that so many people remembered.
the only reason i remembered this year was because the insurance agency sent a card to me around 1 week ago.
i was like, huh? oh.
=D
its a nice warm fuzzy feeling to be remembered.
Thursday, 17 August 2006
its time i faced my demons.
i know i ve been avoiding this all the time;
trying to run away; trying to imagine its all imagination [ohtheirony]
but i know im screwed.
deep down inside. beneath the smiles and the sunny disposition.
im screwed.
i need to take time off people and sort out things myself.
judy was right when she said that if i did a piece each day it would help me resolve the unsettled/uneasy feelings inside... and what have i done? procrastinated.
i miss her so much.
i love the way she draws. there's just something about her deep, infused, colourful crayon smugdged pictures ['oh? im using old crayons so that when they finish i can buy new ones for the patients' ... dont you just love her?]
this warmth, this vibrance, this openess, this acceptance that i have long forgotten or lost altogether...
i need to come up with a resolution.
ok, a piece a week isnt too much, right? since i dont do much when i go back on weekends anyway [and shiet i need to start building up my portfolio for masters... pr else i ll just die... i cant just survive on replicas of beautiful print ads and comic/anime pics alone... need something with more substance]
starting from...
hajime!
i know i ve been avoiding this all the time;
trying to run away; trying to imagine its all imagination [ohtheirony]
but i know im screwed.
deep down inside. beneath the smiles and the sunny disposition.
im screwed.
i need to take time off people and sort out things myself.
judy was right when she said that if i did a piece each day it would help me resolve the unsettled/uneasy feelings inside... and what have i done? procrastinated.
i miss her so much.
i love the way she draws. there's just something about her deep, infused, colourful crayon smugdged pictures ['oh? im using old crayons so that when they finish i can buy new ones for the patients' ... dont you just love her?]
this warmth, this vibrance, this openess, this acceptance that i have long forgotten or lost altogether...
i need to come up with a resolution.
ok, a piece a week isnt too much, right? since i dont do much when i go back on weekends anyway [and shiet i need to start building up my portfolio for masters... pr else i ll just die... i cant just survive on replicas of beautiful print ads and comic/anime pics alone... need something with more substance]
starting from...
hajime!
Wednesday, 16 August 2006
cat got my tongue.
lost my train of thoughts.
im losing track of what im doing lately. it's not as if i ever was much in track with myself, but lately this problem seems to have gotten worse...
evidence includes bidding 4 1-point modules this sem, including a level 2000 module for soci[pinch me someone pinch me] and level 3000 module for psych [slap me someone slap me], and bidding 200 odd for a level 2000 GEM module called art and philo...
its the kind of dazed feeling where you feel numb and you re not sure whether you re even feeling anything and everything seems surreal and its almost like you re caught in a warp and you dont know where time is slipping
another does of your average incoherent-long-mundane-insignificant-wenlin-style sentences
i kind of idolize my roomie.
its like this shining aura/halo thing that surrounds her/circles her head
she has this uber-coolness about her...
its her disposition. she can carry stuff i could never pull off.
yeah, thats where i always wanted to be.
cool. like, uber cool.
just ranting randomly... rambling on and on and raving about my roommate
complaining about my weird modules
i could be nice and sweet and cute and bubbly and fluffy and nice [ i used nice twice, i know]
but i could never have shining watery puppy-dog eyes [my misfortune, or my good luck?]
i could be cool and punk and rock and suave and kooky
but i could never really carry that off
maybe a little bohmo, maybe a little aloof, a lot of cool, a lot of attitude, a lot of lameness
lots of mundane, insignificant, blabbering nonsense
a lot of incoherence, irrelevance;
but thats it.
sometimes you try too hard to change things that you know dont really mean that much.
you know they cant be changed; maybe they re not meant to be changed anyway
but you still try, maybe in vain
we should all just try to love ourselves more. because in the end
when all the people in the world die
what really matters is ourselves
[thats a crooked line of thought but it works anyway.
at least in my eskewed mind. *smirk*]
oh, i havent gotten to use him yet. its so sad to see him sitting in a corner of my room.
i was so delighted when i heard sounds of thunder today
the sweet, sweet, gentle drizzles of rain
alas, happiness was short-lived.
by early noon, sharp rays of sun shot through my blinds.
and he's still sitting there unused.
tommorow's coming [oh no, its already today! *mock horror*]
but i still dont want to say goodbye to yesterday...
my roomie likes norah jones ....
*mouth curls like a cheshire cat*
all i can say is,
good taste
lost my train of thoughts.
im losing track of what im doing lately. it's not as if i ever was much in track with myself, but lately this problem seems to have gotten worse...
evidence includes bidding 4 1-point modules this sem, including a level 2000 module for soci[pinch me someone pinch me] and level 3000 module for psych [slap me someone slap me], and bidding 200 odd for a level 2000 GEM module called art and philo...
its the kind of dazed feeling where you feel numb and you re not sure whether you re even feeling anything and everything seems surreal and its almost like you re caught in a warp and you dont know where time is slipping
another does of your average incoherent-long-mundane-insignificant-wenlin-style sentences
i kind of idolize my roomie.
its like this shining aura/halo thing that surrounds her/circles her head
she has this uber-coolness about her...
its her disposition. she can carry stuff i could never pull off.
yeah, thats where i always wanted to be.
cool. like, uber cool.
just ranting randomly... rambling on and on and raving about my roommate
complaining about my weird modules
i could be nice and sweet and cute and bubbly and fluffy and nice [ i used nice twice, i know]
but i could never have shining watery puppy-dog eyes [my misfortune, or my good luck?]
i could be cool and punk and rock and suave and kooky
but i could never really carry that off
maybe a little bohmo, maybe a little aloof, a lot of cool, a lot of attitude, a lot of lameness
lots of mundane, insignificant, blabbering nonsense
a lot of incoherence, irrelevance;
but thats it.
sometimes you try too hard to change things that you know dont really mean that much.
you know they cant be changed; maybe they re not meant to be changed anyway
but you still try, maybe in vain
we should all just try to love ourselves more. because in the end
when all the people in the world die
what really matters is ourselves
[thats a crooked line of thought but it works anyway.
at least in my eskewed mind. *smirk*]
oh, i havent gotten to use him yet. its so sad to see him sitting in a corner of my room.
i was so delighted when i heard sounds of thunder today
the sweet, sweet, gentle drizzles of rain
alas, happiness was short-lived.
by early noon, sharp rays of sun shot through my blinds.
and he's still sitting there unused.
tommorow's coming [oh no, its already today! *mock horror*]
but i still dont want to say goodbye to yesterday...
my roomie likes norah jones ....
*mouth curls like a cheshire cat*
all i can say is,
good taste
Wednesday, 9 August 2006
sometimes i wish i could be more honest with myself.
i can feel the times when i surpress my inner self because i feel i have to conform to societal norms.
i can feel the times i treat the person i like very badly because i dont want to risk getting hurt.
i can feel the times i actually push away help when i need it the most.
i hate being weak.
i hate the feeling of being helpless; the surge that overwhelms me, as realisation dawns upon me and i see that my ability is, well, only limited to that much.
sometimes i wish i could appreciate myself more.
i can recall the times i gaze in awe; as i gush on and on about how beautiful, how atheletic, how sporting, how wonderful other people are.
i can recall the times i try to squish away the envy when others surround me.
i can recall the times i cringe when i look at myself in the mirror.
i hate not loving myself.
i do love myself, but not enough.
i hate the feeling of being at odds with parts of myself; trying to reason with myself, trying to convince myself, trying to inflate my ego.
i want to be strong.
i want to be everything.
but at the same time,
i know i know nothing.
but that's all that matters, right?
after all, socrates, arguably the greatest philosopher in history, said
the only thing i know, is that i know nothing.
so maybe it's all about being humble and accepting. about knowing one's limits; about appreciating one's better characteristics; about having the thirst for knowledge, and the feeling of contentment with one's current physical, materialistic state.
im not sure what to think now.
yesterday, i think saw.... hints of somewhat...
at least if i didnt read wrongly, that was...
and that would mean... it's significance...
what should i do now?
its always about taking things one step at a time...
i can feel the times when i surpress my inner self because i feel i have to conform to societal norms.
i can feel the times i treat the person i like very badly because i dont want to risk getting hurt.
i can feel the times i actually push away help when i need it the most.
i hate being weak.
i hate the feeling of being helpless; the surge that overwhelms me, as realisation dawns upon me and i see that my ability is, well, only limited to that much.
sometimes i wish i could appreciate myself more.
i can recall the times i gaze in awe; as i gush on and on about how beautiful, how atheletic, how sporting, how wonderful other people are.
i can recall the times i try to squish away the envy when others surround me.
i can recall the times i cringe when i look at myself in the mirror.
i hate not loving myself.
i do love myself, but not enough.
i hate the feeling of being at odds with parts of myself; trying to reason with myself, trying to convince myself, trying to inflate my ego.
i want to be strong.
i want to be everything.
but at the same time,
i know i know nothing.
but that's all that matters, right?
after all, socrates, arguably the greatest philosopher in history, said
the only thing i know, is that i know nothing.
so maybe it's all about being humble and accepting. about knowing one's limits; about appreciating one's better characteristics; about having the thirst for knowledge, and the feeling of contentment with one's current physical, materialistic state.
im not sure what to think now.
yesterday, i think saw.... hints of somewhat...
at least if i didnt read wrongly, that was...
and that would mean... it's significance...
what should i do now?
its always about taking things one step at a time...
Saturday, 5 August 2006
I've been finding it increasingly difficult to find that equilibrium point.
It's like i'm always at odds with myself; always finding fault; always unhappy; unsatisfied; thinking i could do more; regretting what i didn't do...
i end up thinking too much; doing too little
brooding in senseless things; missing out on the big issues...
well, on a lighter note,
im back from the first half of hall camp, which is, well, certainly better than i had expected.
our group did surprisingly well; we won some games and the big show in a extremely crazed and tyco manner [not that i mind though]
it seemed like our group was uber-enthu and uber-united and everything
i know its stupid to wish that groups didnt have cliques but i did and i still do.
its not that i didnt expect them; they exist, exactly as i expected they would, but somehow that nebulous hope in my heart was...
for the big show, i think we all put lots of effort into it.
and for a lot of other things as well.
when the emcees announced our names,
as we cheered madly, crazily, insanely, thrusting our fists into the air; clapping our hands non-stop
i felt this surge of belonging and loyalty.
what i am glad is, that i got to know these people. that we managed to be in the same silly toothbrush group and that we managed to hang on in the midst of this craziness together.
im glad we have hong wei as our ic, because he is warm and caring and blur [though a tad naggy at times]
what im sad about is not being about to form a substantial relationship with anyone.
come to think of it, since jc, i dont think i have ever been able to accomplish that.
im trying to hard to find out my identity, because i dont really know where i stand.
i know its my fault more than anyone else's.
that's the worst part.
ok ok. i shall stop brooding. there are lots of things to be happy about.
because he is lying in a corner of my room!
i just met him a few days ago, and i can tell you, it was love at first sight!
it was the rush of blood in my veins and i gushed about him to my friends,
it was the plain delight as infatuation overwhelmed me.
let me tell you more...
he is clear and pure... and i can see right through him.
he does not speak; he does not lie.
he does not put up a front; he does not envy others
he is, him. and that is all that matters.
his bare existence lies nakedly for me to see...
he smiles silently was i watch him from my seat
my mouth curls as i hold his hand. it is firm; it is sturdy....
... ...
guess what!
i managed to buy a transparent umbrella!
*smirk*
i almost got you tricked there, right?
i cant hide the romantic inside....
i cant wait to use him!!!! hurrah =D
technically im not, but
it feels like im in love.
It's like i'm always at odds with myself; always finding fault; always unhappy; unsatisfied; thinking i could do more; regretting what i didn't do...
i end up thinking too much; doing too little
brooding in senseless things; missing out on the big issues...
well, on a lighter note,
im back from the first half of hall camp, which is, well, certainly better than i had expected.
our group did surprisingly well; we won some games and the big show in a extremely crazed and tyco manner [not that i mind though]
it seemed like our group was uber-enthu and uber-united and everything
i know its stupid to wish that groups didnt have cliques but i did and i still do.
its not that i didnt expect them; they exist, exactly as i expected they would, but somehow that nebulous hope in my heart was...
for the big show, i think we all put lots of effort into it.
and for a lot of other things as well.
when the emcees announced our names,
as we cheered madly, crazily, insanely, thrusting our fists into the air; clapping our hands non-stop
i felt this surge of belonging and loyalty.
what i am glad is, that i got to know these people. that we managed to be in the same silly toothbrush group and that we managed to hang on in the midst of this craziness together.
im glad we have hong wei as our ic, because he is warm and caring and blur [though a tad naggy at times]
what im sad about is not being about to form a substantial relationship with anyone.
come to think of it, since jc, i dont think i have ever been able to accomplish that.
im trying to hard to find out my identity, because i dont really know where i stand.
i know its my fault more than anyone else's.
that's the worst part.
ok ok. i shall stop brooding. there are lots of things to be happy about.
because he is lying in a corner of my room!
i just met him a few days ago, and i can tell you, it was love at first sight!
it was the rush of blood in my veins and i gushed about him to my friends,
it was the plain delight as infatuation overwhelmed me.
let me tell you more...
he is clear and pure... and i can see right through him.
he does not speak; he does not lie.
he does not put up a front; he does not envy others
he is, him. and that is all that matters.
his bare existence lies nakedly for me to see...
he smiles silently was i watch him from my seat
my mouth curls as i hold his hand. it is firm; it is sturdy....
... ...
guess what!
i managed to buy a transparent umbrella!
*smirk*
i almost got you tricked there, right?
i cant hide the romantic inside....
i cant wait to use him!!!! hurrah =D
technically im not, but
it feels like im in love.
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