she chanced upon it while she was window shopping with him on sunday. something deep down inside of her craved it. wanted it. as if it was a need, not a want. she could feel the coldness of the glass panel as she subconsciously placed her hand gently on the glass panel. she gazed at it longingly for what seemed like the longest time.


'see anything?' his warm voice broke her train of thoughts.


she shook her head gently as she returned his warm smile. as he gently led her away from the store, she turned her head back to look at it for one last time...


she remembered the time when she was in primary two, when barbie dolls were all the rage, she too, like all the other girls in her class, had craved to own one of those petite blonde beautiful things. craved it so badly it made her feel guilty...

when her dad brought her out, everytime she passed by the toy store, she would pause infront of it and look... and look and look and look. she felt sure that her father must have noticed it. but he didnt. or maybe he neglected it. took no notice of the small detail. it was too small, too insignificant to him. then he would pull her away.


of course she knew that if she asked, her father would almost definitely buy whatever she wanted for her, as long as it was within in his ability to do so. but what she craved for was not that... she wanted him to buy it without her telling him to...


she wanted him to know.


now she was 28. despite being mature and grown up, and a very rational and sensible girl, something deep down inside her craved for someone to know what she wanted, to read her mind. or her heart.


they walked aimlessly from one shop to another, slowly, as time passed...

overcome by a sudden feeling of sadness, she rested her head gently against his shoulder for comfort, as her gaze wandered. it settled on her fingers, which were entwined up in his. she looked at her hand, coved up in his. his palm was a lot bigger than hers, and his tan fingers were slender and long. they held on to her hand firmly but gently.

sometimes, he would squeeze her hand gently and smile at her warmly, as if telling her, hey im here. are you there? and she would feel a rush to blood to her head. or was it her heart? she couldnt remember...


she knew he loved her very much. as much as she loved him. but deep inside she craved for him to know what she wanted without the need for her to tell him...
but it was time. and she wasnt a young girl anymore. she could tell what she really wanted from impulsive desires.

should she tell him? she shouldnt play games anymore.


just as she was about to open her mouth and tell him, looking up, she realised he was looking and her, smiling mischieviously. now she realised they had made a whole round and ended up back at the same shop she had stopped infront of earlier.

his fingers, still entwined in hers, lifted up gently and touched the cold glass panel.
he smiled knowingly at her and said
lets get this.



blood gushed to her face as she felt overwhelmed.
he knew.

i feel really silly updating twice a day.
phew. lucky ash managed to borrow court shoes. :) haha. and im pretty proud i managed to help her borrow it. *smug smirk* :) haw haw.

but i felt really silly holding that zhao1 cai2 mao1 cordless phone picking up and dialing calls. stupid phone broke down. now must use this .... kawai phone T_T so not me... sigh.

yay. uploaded all the sushi buffet pics onto my comp. but as i smiled and looked through everything i realised there isnt a single photo of me. haha. not bad. im quite successful. *:P*
but need scanner to scan in the neoprints we took... haha. so nice. but qiu ping looks weird in one and me and qiu han look weird in the other... huichiang is chio bu posse as usual...

:D not bad. things are looking up...



felt nostalgic looking at all my old choir scores yesterday afternoon
ave regina
sasakusa in the sea
turok ezikatigany [spell wrongly :P]
dancing song
i write the songs
look to this day [:D]
girl from ipanema [^--^]
blah blah blah

etc etc

tall and tan and young and lovely the girl from ipanema goes walking and when she passes each one she passes goes, 'ahhhh'
oh, but he watches so sadly
how, can he tell her he loves her
yes, he would give his heart gladly

now i rmbr distinctly how jayanthi and me disfigured this song lyrics... and made priya laugh until she cried. then again, priya laughed at anything. :) the 3 mustketeers!!!

short and fat and old and ugly the girl from ipanema goes walking and when she passes each one she passes goes 'yuckkkk'
oh but he watches so sadly
how, can he tell her shes ugly
yes, she must go for plastic surgery

T_T omg. sigh. those were the days.
i miss cedar. i miss 2H. i miss choir...
:)

its one of those weird mornings when you wake up from one of those weird premonition or dejavu dreams but cant seem to quite remember the actual contents of the dream

and weird. my house phone is spoilt. cant ring when theres an incoming call.

and some weird number called my phone. dunno who.




i cant seem to remember...

i was overcome with a weird surge of emotions last night. i just felt helplessly empty.
cold.
sad.
lonely.


im not sure if i was angry. i nearly snapped at ben yesterday. for sth so small. im so sorry...
ck played minesweeper with me. i won the first time round. unbelieveable. he won by a bit the second time round.

if i could i would but im still afraid of walking around the house at night im still afraid that one day i wake up and everything that is so dear to me just disappears right in front of my eyes im still afraid im still

the tears dont come cos im not sure if its sadness
its just a ripping feeling deep inside my heart that i cant quite...



dont let me down
lets keep on running
dont let me fall
look at me and say
say you wont forget me
say you ll be lonely

because i ll be



because its ...

damn! with two new blog temps, how can i resist... i just had to update... AGAIN.
not like my-oh-so-boring-but-pseudo-interesting-life has much to hooha about... T_T

Everybody's here with me(we) Got no camera to seeDon't think I'm not all in this worldThe camera won't let me goAnd the verdict doesn't love our soulThe digital won't let me goYeah yeah yeahI'll pay (yeah yeah yeah)When tomorrowTomorrow comes todayStereo I want it on

It's taken me far too longDon't think I'm not all in this worldI don't think I'll be here too longI don't think I'll be here too longI don't think I'll be here too longYeah yeah yeahI'll payWhen tomorrowTomorrow comes today(Da da da da da da da da)

darn. this song sounds sleazy even. but im getting obessed. i remember the first time i saw the mtv on channel 51...wait in 2001 it was channel 21 i think... not relevant. anyway the first time i saw it... or the first time i saw a mtv by Gorillaz, i was like

woah.
it was like... super ... weird. just totally pure style and individuality. like cool in their own way, no need to copy anyone or stuff.. like weird but so cool. uber-cool. O_0

the lyrics are just plain weird. but it sounds good so who cares. at least after checking the lyrics i realised the songs actually make/made sense as compare to 4 years ago when i just sang/mumbled/grunted/made some sound sounding like a rather lousy specimen of what i thought the lyrics should/would be... T_T

get the cool
get the cool shoe shine

at least that makes sense
at least its english, for goodness sake. but wouldnt it be better if nothing made sense. if it was just senseless mumbles or noises or random rantings. i mean, WHO CARES?!?!?

noodle is cute. and she wears green. i decided u can call me noodle.
rice has never been my thing anyway. since young.
*smirk*





all i did today... one chapter of econs. wow. thats A LOT. GREAT.
now u know where im heading to

damn.

im happy, feeling glad
i got sunshine, in a bag
yeah, right.

would you take the risk if you could already almost predict accurately the outcome? even if you know that things would not last...

sometimes you jump into things knowing that you ll regret it. or maybe so... not that you ll regret jumping into it, but just regretting the outcome... but its not as if you could have done anything to alter the outcome
could you? can you?...

do you believe in fate?...

despite knowing its bad for you. its just like, how ironic. the best tasting things in life as often the most deadliest. chocolate and ice cream can cause obesity. too much seafood and cause high cholesterol and a series of illnesses that are related.. etc etc. what you re often most attracted to is whats usually the most bad bad bad things...

its almost as if... you weighed the pros and cons already and decided your desires or your want for that thing/person/food is strong even for you to neglect the dire consequences.


im listening to david tao's [susan said]. the tune is extremely catchy and great for easy listening. but a second listen/look at the lyrics and i felt this weird tearing feeling inside my heart
susan was strong susan was persistent susan believed that sam would come back for her...

sigh. we all know whats going to happen, dont we?

since she loved and she believed, she decided to take the risk. she left her hometown in tai bei to search for sam in nan jing. alas, she met up with some bandits/robbers/ who wanted to... okay you know what. this is set in old china... so its the rob and rape thing... ca you imagine how scared susan must have been? all alone, just a weak girl without any knowledge of how to protect herself, neither did she have money...

so she said


过往的君子请你听我言 哪一位去我南京转 与我那三郎把信转 就说苏三把命断 来生变一苹狗一苹马 我当报还

:( susan....
im not sure if this thing can appear properly in chinese... if u re interested i can send u the song.. lyrics are at :http://www.lyricool.com/show.jsp?song_id=48811&lan=gb

bu zai hu ai qing li shang tong zai suo nan mian
yi ge ren que yi ge shi jie...



now i know why. because because... :)

thanks for being there girl.

:) because you were always there.
remember when u smiled
remember when u teared
remember the times we laughed together
at each other
at ourselves
at others

doesnt matter where we may go
where we are

you are my friend.
and will always be.



happy birthday! :)

im going to rant about mundane and unimportant things so if u have no time if u re a year two at njc like me awaiting your doom once this holiday ends you better scurry off to mugg the shit out of your little brain or else... sigh. im not responsible for anyones FFFF grades. or my own... i wish!

*sigh*

not bad. i think i ve grown stronger. but equally lousy at pacifiying people. i just seem to be at a loss of what to do when i see someones tears. which is why i never cry in front of people, cos i dun want to cause trouble for them... anyway im strong lohz :P its other pple who need to be pacified ha ha ha. okay... not funny..

things are good. im serious. its back to 5 pairs of slippers and 10 feet. laughing at how hopeless my sister can get when it comes to makeup. im not exactly a genius either, but she cant even tell whether to put foundation or blusher first. im having a had time telling her that the silent hardworking worker is no longer respected in this world.. packaging does matter.. which is rather sad... :( oh well.

thats why im sad/happy if someone tells me i am pretty. erm its a compliment i suppose. but i dun want someone to like me BECAUSE i am pretty. i dun want to like pple because they are good looking either... ha ha. so if i like a good looking person, i will try to dislike the person, then try to find any traits/inner qualities that can make me like the person... then i will allow myself to like the person

so complicated right. T_T oh well

i spend the rest of my time annoying my other sister, aka child labour.. XD ha ha. not like she does any chores or runs any errands for me loh. its just a nick. T_T i ve ironed more clothes and folded more clothes in one day than her entire lifetime... thats how lazy she is! and shes so skinny lah...

i AM NOT JEALOUS. slim is good. skinny is not. anyway, she has so much flab. but shes skinny. ironic. -_-

spent last night moving the stuff in sis room arnd. cos got new comp. not bad. its quite cool looking.

this is really quite mundane and insignificant. bleah. holidays suck. like you dun have pocket money. neither do u have proper slacking time. even when u slack, its with a tinge of guilt and bu shuang-ness cos u anticipate/dread the consequences once the holidays end and ur hmwk/exams are due... sad sad life. maybe i could be a housewife. quite dull and drab. but i can iron quite well. ha ha. :)

i dunno how my mom tolerates the way my dad orders her around.
i mean, hes handsome, and clever, and humourous, and with a stable income blah blah doesnt smoke doesnt drink alcohol, doesnt do drugs or cigarettes etc etc
but hes a mcp. really really bad one.. i dun think i could tolerate that... or maybe...

i realised its true. im rather sunny by nature. my ideal world would be everyone happy
then i would be happy
la la la... its like my vocabulary stopped at the age of 5. it consists of only
'happy' or
'sad'

if it really was the case, then boy, life would be a lot easier.
like.
i was really sad for the past few weeks :(
but things are ok now. so im happy :)



but i get the feeling that those people who have been trying to cheer me up the past few weeks while i was :( are now...
they need the cheering up...
but what can i do?...

i ll feel like an idiot if someone starts crying... this is bad. i have to formulate a plan.

anyway, want to thank those pple close to me who have been there for me when i was :( or some what :(...ashbenckqiuhan *hug* thanks for being there. cos it really made/makes a difference

tmr is mich and rx birthday! happy bdAY!!!

and thursday is... *drum roll*
.
.
.
.
.
qiu han s birthday!!!!
*crowd claps and whistles*
a birthday song for you...

*due 9 june*

happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday to qiuhan~
happy birthdAY to YOU!!!

i know u re a comp dummy so u nvr ever go online. u said so urself. so u ll nvr get to read this. that doesnt matter :) just for you, cos u were the best thing that ever happened to me, in all my 4 years in cedar. :) cos u were/are always there..

okay.. i slack a bit, do a few quizzes then go start my mugging session. im behind time already.
jiayou year twos! you can do it~!

sometimes i feel at a loss of what to do when im a lone at home
the house suddenly feels so big, and me, so small
and i try desperately to call up my friends but they all seem to be away...

then i feel really alone..



this is silly.
i ll go get some water to drink and then..
i have to study

another unproductive day. but rather well spent. considering the fact that if i die right now i wont have that many regrets..

did the same thing as i did yesterday same thing in the morning.. things were ok i guess but i got really tired of my parents and those other pple repeating the same thing asking the same questions giving the same answers and going through the same procedures... i just got tired..

after that mom went to work and i went with dad to eat. he looked super worried. sigh. i was super worried abt him also but i guess nothing much can be done also... we ate laksa! at toa payoh.. it was weird but nice also. i guess dad is so young looking and good looking that the auntie mistook us for a couple.. oh well. what can i say.. cos mom is too pretty and dad is too handsome..

den went with qiu ping to book fair. it was nice walking arnd. and i bought sth totally unpractical and totally childish but it made me laugh and laugh and laugh and for a while i could pretend things were ok and i was a kid again.. it was nice. why didnt they have things like this when i was a wee little kid?... i wonder...

it was nice going out with qiu ping. sad that qiu han couldnt come lah.. but shes like that. anyway cant ask her to come shop for HER birthday present also..
we were like silly idiots lah, walk arnd and poke this look at that.. ended up in bodyshop smearing body butter on our arms.. weird. then qiu ping said maybe we buy fragance

and this wonderful little brown bottle was love at first smell
i think if i get one i dun think i ll ever want to eat chocolate ever again. or ice cream. or any comfort food for that matter..
im almost certain. definitely. this is what love smells like

intoxicating, sweet, yet strong but you feel like running away when u get too much of it...
but its draws you close then you get addicted to it or sth..

qiu ping didnt like it. oh well. neither did hui chiang.



i think i must find the motivation to study le. im lagging behind really badly.
NTUC isnt as good as it was made up to be. i still ate mashed potatoes for dinner.

i guess big doesnt mean better after all.



im sorry if i took you for granted.. thanks for being there for me. if i could i would but i cant.