sometimes i get annoyed at how things always turn out a little different from imagined.

people, things, places, work, school, food, dessert, love, hate, life-

and also i find myself inadequate to cope with these differences?

because no matter how well i try to preempt these things,

no matter how many alternate universes i think up,

how many alternate outcomes i can permutate,

there will always be that one way/one aspect/one person/one thing that falls outside of the locus of expectation-

so sometimes now i refuse to think of a possible outcome at all-

in the hope that nothing would surprise me anymore.

sadly/reasonably, people/things still do.

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the question i've always been harbouring

(but still have no answer to)

how can a fundamentally unhappy person be happy?

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if you're not very sure what you want (in/with life),

then (i do admit) someone who knows clearly what he or she wants,

is very...

(how do i put it?)

very intriguing.

very intriguing indeed.

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Is this what i really want?

...

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can't deny that i was a little disappointed that my boss gave the no-go due to late notice and it being 2 days only and all, but looking at the training schedule for 2011 i felt reasonably encouraged. training days spread out all over the year, in almost every month! I have fair chances... of going back!

i would love to roll around on the grass in Hyde park like an unassuming idiot in Spring,

please?

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this is not what i imagined

this is not what i imagined

this is not what i imagined

this is not what i imagined

this is not what i imagined

this is not how i imagined

this is not how i imagined

this is not how i imagined

this is not how i imagined

this is not going the way i expected

(not that i know how this is going to continue that is)

why am i (behaving) like this?

:(

why?