So i'm back. Not much hype since i'm not the shopping type- the best part to me was the cheap film/film processing, awesome 25 baht mango-sticky rice from the roadside stall and being able to wear a straw hat without people thinking that you're a poser. You know you're not much of a shopper when you've gone to and come back from what they call 'shopping paradise' in south-east Asia with half your luggage full of film.

other things attract me less, i suppose.

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I'm a furious toe/foot tapper.

it started in primary school, i think. While the other girls were dancing their parts, i would stand at the bar, tapping my feet to the rhythm, 1, 2, 3, 4, 2, 2, 3, 4, 3, 2, 3, 4... And then in secondary school, when the other sections were singing their parts, i'd be watching the conductor intently, my big toe (not so secretly) tapping to keep the beat/count under my shoe-

i'm just not much of an exhibitionist, i suppose. Not one to break out in song or dance-

Happy to stay out of the limelight unless called for, happy to watch/listen, and just hum/tap along-

it's my way of saying,

i'm feeling your/the groove too.

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i know you should never take things or people too literally, (because it leads to expectations and uncalled for disappointment?) and/but it makes me sad sometimes, that i am always the one who remembers; remember that X once said, oh, you haven't been there? i'll take you there sometime; or that Y once said, that tastes really good, i'll bring you there to eat it, you must try it;

it's just that...

i would always remember, that small feeling of gratefulness, that little burst of contentment and anticipation, that i almost have to clutch close to my chest to prevent it from spilling-

i would think to myself;

don't expect anything don't expect anything don't expect anything

they don't mean anything they don't mean anything they don't mean anything;

i'd remember, you said, you would take me there,

but you never did; you didn't.

and you probably won't.

and/but you'll never remember that.

and/but i would always remember.

so/but i guess that's not important.

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someone once told me,

'did you know that, for a girl, you're really strong?'

hearing it made me feel really proud/relieved/sad at the same time-

strong,

funny,

smart,

witty,

pretty, (sometimes)

(sadly or not sadly) these things don't come naturally,

and i try, try hard (sometimes) to be/achieve these ideals/attributes-

so that i can protect someone, so that i can make someone laugh, so that i can hold a interesting conversation, so that i have a comeback line, so that i can make people's heads turn-

but,

it's tiring.

and after all,

after everything,

i am just me.