it's time to sleep already and/but? my eyes sting a little from the light.

but/and anyway transformers was good,

but not fantastic or awesome. [witono said he said the exact same thing. heh.]

i guess it's the feeling.

esther looked a little disappointed in the cinema.

we're trying to get back those people that were that 2 years back

the same place, but a different time,

but we're not the people we were 2 years back

and the feeling can't be retrieved like a lost wallet

so why do people still linger and hope for it to return?

it's senseless stupid illogical [oh we do illogical things all the time]

like i don't know what im waiting for.

okay maybe i know,

but it's more like im waiting

but/and yet i know it won't come

so why freaking hell wait!?

but then again i know that these things can't be rationalized,

so should i even bother and/or try? [fuck i am already rationalizing]

why dont brains work like etch a sketch? draw, cancel, erase, gone.

and why do i smile

and put 'haha'

when i really want to turn around

and walk away

it's like how you say

'lovely'

when in your head you're thinking

'what the fucking hell'

okay

i think i will do vacuuming tomorrow

it's quite nice.

i like it, though not as much as ironing.

i hope i dont dream of crying and freaking out big time and carrying my-biten-and-poisoned-by-python-and-huge-other-unknown-species-snake to the hospital again. like scary but bizarro.

when i told her about it she looked apologetically [and i dont know what other mix of expression on her face i couldnt tell] and patted me on the head like some freaking saint bernard

she was freaking dying in my dream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like i was like FUCK FUCK FUCK in the dream and panicking like hell and it was so real like do you have this kind of dreams i dont think so

maybe i'm too tired.

i talked to sim yew yen just now,

and i think

we're all toast with smiley print on the buttered side.

and/but you flip behind, it's burnt.

or those dishwasher scrub sponges

with like a spoilt scrape underside but fully functioning top.

haha, fuck!

i decided to delete what i wrote.

because maybe more people read this than i think?

it's too dangerous really.

and who cares about what i think?

[maybe not even myself]

but then again,

after 3 years of training kendo,

shi-ais and gradings, these tacky things,

i still dont really know how to go about to approach these things,

and what kind of mindset and mentality i should have with regard to them.

sometimes i do wonder really, what the shinpans are thinking, when they grade us, really. haha.

either way, [IMO], it is still apparent.

but actually, after so long,

beneath all that armour; the hard and repetitive trainings, the acquaintances made and friends left, the admin and paperwork that kind of got me a little jaded and spent; the mistakes made and lessons learnt,

what do i actually want with my kendo?

---------------------------------------------

when was it that i realised

i couldnt speak as freely as i wanted

anymore?

and also

the words,

cant seem to form

quite so easily

like before

or maybe

cat got my tongue

and one day without realising

my heart died

im starting to run out of things to write.

maybe i'm turning obsolete,

like my printer.

she's so beautiful she's too blind to notice,

she's so caught up the world passes her by;

she's so vulnerable she makes my heart break;

she's too soft on the outside, much too much for her own good;

she's so brave so careful so thoughtless so lonely so weak so trapped

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTN3loVrtdI

i really like her,

but hate her at the same time.

fucking bollocks!

freddie is cute,

effy is effing gorgeous.

and i love watching SKINS!!!!

they say fashion is the best reason for a woman to diet.

no harm trying.

i gave myself a holiday.

for dance, i was never slim enough,

for kendo, i was never fast or strong enough,

for studies, i was never smart or studious enough,

for rag design, i was never good or creative enough,

even when it came to some thing, some thing like feelings,

if i was the object of anyone's affections, or if i had good vibes about anymore

i never felt worthy of those affections; not good enough to love or/and be loved.

nobody said i wasn't good enough, nobody criticised or put me down but in the end

it was always myself, it was me, the problem was always just me.

it is always this inadequacy that marred/stained/marked my life.

so i gave myself a holiday.

travelled,

ate things,

walked around,

talked to friends,

did some housework,

watched the days go by,

took photographs of places, of people,

thought about some things,

and maybe,

i think i'm ready to get back to life again.

and hit the dojo this friday.

我疯了吗？

难道我没有尊严，

没有自尊心，

没有矜持吗？

疯了疯了疯了疯了疯了

i need to be more logical

think wenlin, think.

use your head, not your heart.

sometimes it's the small things in life that make you feel that it's really funny.

example 1.

mah hon seng, whom i have not spoken to nor met [in real life, not after i pang-sehed him and shaun the other time at vivo] since he came into nus, suddenly msned me and asked me if i want to watch transformers.

then i was like,

yeah, but not with you, haha! [with the raggers of course =)]

then i was like, so why do you suddenly want to watch transformers?

then hon seng was like,

'oh i want to ask you out on a date mah.'

then i laughed for about 3 minutes and then hon seng admitted that he just wanted to meet up.

meet up then say meet up lah.

bor liao.

-------------------------------------------

example 2.

choy seng tuck and i were talking online, then he was asking what i was doing this holidays, and i said i was bumming around and travelling and doing nothing much really, and then he said that was saying that he was/is damn free, and then i asked him to help rag, and then he said,

'but eusoff feels like its in europe'

i was like

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

okay gotta stop, i'm not psycho man

and why

because IT'S DAMN FAR from his house,

HAHA.

another bor liao one.

we have the randomest conversations online.

when we talk it's really 鸡同鸭讲/秀才遇到兵，有理说不清

the epitome of randomness man!!!!!!!!!!!

he thought i was asking him out to dinner on sun [when obviously and logically i was talking about our family father's day dinner; he is neither my father nor my family right?! -____-], then i thought he was asking me about dinner today [which we aren't eating together but he asked anyway]

if anyone asked you,

'what's for dinner?'

you would think that

you're having dinner together right?

like FUNNY. haha-funny and weird-funny also.

like BIZARRO. -___________-

-------------------------------------------

example 3

then i saw Jiejing's pictures at niagara falls and then i was like super excited.

then he was like,

'oh, niagara falls ah. it's like my brother's dream'

then i was like, but how come?

then he was like,

when we were young, we watched the video together. about niagara falls.

at the falls, people throw other people into barrels, you know, that video.

then i was like

no i didnt watch the video

then he was like

:( different childhood

then i was like,

so what happens they throw the barrels of people down niagara falls is it!!!!!!

then he was like

yeah

then i was like

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

HAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHA

then i was like

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH[cause it's damn freaky to be put in a barrel and thrown down niagara falls man!]

but he told me afterwards that they dont do that anymore [dang]

and that he was couldnt bear to break his brother's childhood dream

-------------------------------------------------

example 4.

this one is simple.

soohf thought that to meet at wisma [atria that is],

according to some online travel guide, it tells her to get off at the bishan mrt stop.

this is living proof of her still-not-yet-singaporean status. HAHA!

okay, maybe it's not funny,

but for someone staying in bishan,

imagining wisma atria here is quite funny.

end of my examples.

from the funny spectrum of life, i shift to more thoughtful fragments.

can you pine for somebody in a logical manner? it was a question that popped up in my mind, and i couldn't find a really reasonable answer for it since it came into my head.

because,

is attraction/affection even logical in nature?

i guess not.

i miss those times.

small boy,

happy birthday.

[okay, maybe not so small.]

i thought that if some things changed, they would be for the better,

but,

i am still me,

and i am still doing it.

i know it's called relapse but knowing something

and being able to stop yourself from doing it,

are totally two different things.

i just realised i like taking pictures of cats.

because dogs are too kind, sometimes too foolish;

birds are too timid, too fickle and volatile and hard to photograph;

cats have feelings; they have pride, they have freedom.

sometimes cats remind me of human beings;

they look at you for really long, and then, if they like, or can't be bothered,

they freeze, as if kindly allowing you a photograph, or they yawn, or even pose,

if they feel like it, or if they find you harmless/not really a nuisance/trouble to them.

they might throw a tantrum, or get angry,

they might refuse to give in to you, or walk away,

they might smile at you, or ask to be stroked and cared,

sometimes they might not be true to their feelings,

and because of pride, walk away when they really want to be loved.

i love dogs,

but it will remain that i will always have a soft spot for cats,

because actually,

they remind me of myself.

i wish,


there was some place i could go to, when insomnia hits me, while half of the world is asleep, while darkness eats me, when the atmosphere drains and voids fill,

some place,
warm and dimly lit,
with someone to say hello to,
maybe a warm cup of coffee on a saucer,
to sit in a corner and read a magazine or a book
have talk [with someone] about something unimportant,

in the wee hours of the morning,
before the sunlight peeks through the blinds,
before another meaningful/senseless day-by-day,

or maybe i am really too idealistic.

but i guess,

it's really too much to ask for.

like wo-ah.

she looks damn a lot like taylor momsen.

and this song is like, stuck in my head. 

Heard you’re New in town
Want someone to show you around
Well no-one knows this place just quite like me
Well I don’t, hang with the crowd
Where I go, were dressing down
I’ll take you where the music plays for free

So don’t rely on people you meet
Cause no-one is safe in these streets

I’m gonna take you out tonight
I’m gonna make you feel alright
I don’t have a lot of money
But we’ll be fine
No, I don’t have a penny
But I’ll show you a good time
I’m gonna take you out tonight
I’m gonna make you feel alright
I don’t have a lot of money but we’ll be fine
No, I don’t have a penny
But I’ll show you a real good time

What I do, you think so far
Is it all your hoping for
Does it live up to your every dream
Or do, we disappoint
While you make the choice
When you wake up can you hear a scream

So don’t rely on people you meet
Cause no-one is safe in these streets

I’m gonna take you out tonight
I’m gonna make you feel alright
I don’t have a lot of money
But we’ll be fine
No, I don’t have a penny
But I’ll show you a good time
I’m gonna take you out tonight
I’m gonna make you feel alright
I don’t have a lot of money
But we’ll be fine
No, I don’t have a penny
But I’ll show you a real good time

Cause I know how it feels to be alone
When strangers only make you feel apart
You never, ever felt so far from home
You never felt so far from home

I’m gonna take you out tonight
I’m gonna make you feel alright
I don’t have a lot of money
But we’ll be fine
No, I don’t have a penny
But I’ll show you a good time
I’m gonna take you out tonight
I’m gonna make you feel alright
I don’t have a lot of money
But we’ll be fine
No, I don’t have a penny
But I’ll show you a real good time 

so this song was stuck in my head until i was youtubing for some new music to listen to,

never mind i was unlucky today and my phone is kinda malfunctioning, 

and then one thing led to another, and then, click click click, and then,

THIS!!!!!!!

LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!

kimura before he was famous, the amazing chemistry between sena and minami, the first ever j-drama about an older woman dating a younger guy [that didnt turn viewers off] and the best theme song and japanese drama of all time!!! [almost, nodame is a close fight. and gokusen, but different genre] 

LA LA LA LOVE SONG!!!!!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 >__________________<

wenlin is one happy person.

yesterday when i was at the toa payoh bus terminal, something incredibly exciting happened.

i saw the bus captain from yesteryear!!!!! like the dude who drove me to school almost everyday on that hot, stuffy, smelly 155 along with 1/6? of the cedarian population, some maris stella boys and some random people going i dont know where near potong pasir.

it's been what, almost 10 years? since i stopped wearing that blue and grey school uniform with that troublesome-grey-and-gold-striped-tie. 10 years since we stopped declaring we hated boys and would never have contact with a single one, 10 years since lau hui chiang turned around and introduced herself at the first day of morning assembly, 10 years since we took photos with the classroom cleaning equipment, 10 years since i ordered xia-mian-meepok-tang-la-jiao at the second stall from the most right, 10 years since freaking PSLE made a change to my life, 6 years since i stopped having to take 155 daily, 

i've grown, maybe lost a little weight off my face, met more people, done more things, gone to more places, become, i dunno, more jaded?

but this dude,

this dude who drove the bus i took every morning to school

is still here!!!!!!!!

and he looks the freaking same.

except for a little stubble on his chin.

i felt this overwhelming urge to run up to him when i boarded the bus, 

and to exclaim in pure happiness 

YOU'RE STILL HERE, HURRRRRAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!

but i did not, 

of course.

ha.

but it made me very happy.

for the rest of the day.

and yesterday was qiuhan's birthday!

we're going out tonight to celebrate and hc says chicken rice at novena but that's so random. plus at 10pm since she has the temperature screening job at TTSH and cant meet earlier. but the point is just to meetup and have a good time, which i know we will!

it's been 10 years and she's the single best thing that has happened to me [i think? maybe] and probably the true reason i didnt do so well for PSLE and had to end up getting to my 4th choice secondary school. 

IT WAS ALL DESTINED BECAUSE WE WERE MEANT TO MEET! HAHA.

i dont believe in fate,

because i always believe man can change fate.

but i feel lucky, anyway.

today's song.

eason chan sings 倒带人生，khalil fong sings the english version.

the english version is nothing like the chinese, with the exception of the tune.

khalil sings of love, of promise, of the future. he sings lightly, gently, like a breeze.

eason sings of regret, of dreams unfulfilled, of the past, of content. he sings, his heart heavy;

and maybe it's that i'm really too sullen, or maybe that the darkness is too alluring to me,

but there is nothing more beautiful than regret.

倒带人生

早午餐 越吃越昏沉

咖啡 提不了神

留我满嘴的 苦涩

低头等 车厢再开门

站着 同几个人

曾经 我们两个人

这个 过份认真的人生

不怀念 曾经多天真

习惯了分分合合

每次唱 生日快乐

旧愿望 还没发生

又得想 几个新的

回忆 只剩下局部

就算再和你 倒带人生

能失而复得

那时 环游世界的梦

也不再做了 只要依靠着

晚餐 还是一个人

你曾经坐在这

微笑着 热汤给我喝

想到就很快乐

我真的知足 够了

想念不小心 跳针了

别担心了 都过去了

低头等 车厢再开门

站着 同几个人

曾经 我们两个人

这个 过分认真的人生

不怀念 曾经多天真

习惯了分分合合

每次唱 生日快乐

旧愿望 还没发生

想不到 什么新的 更值得

回忆 只剩下局部

就算再和你 倒带人生

能失而复得

那时 环游世界的梦

也不再做了 只要依靠着

晚餐 还是一个人

你曾经坐在这

第几餐 我都不记得

想到就很快乐

我真的知足 够了

偶尔想起你

自言自语 点点滴滴

幸福是个秘密

享受却不知情

深夜里 重播的 旧黑白片

想启示 我什么 人生真言

我都感激 已经很随性 已经很随性

回忆 只剩下局部

就算再和你 倒带人生

能失而复得

那时 环游世界的梦

如果再做了 有没有可能

晚餐 还是一个人

你曾经坐在这

另一份 碗盘是你的

想到就很快乐

我真的知足 够了

想念不小心 跳针了

别担心了 都过去了

时间不小心 停格了

别在意了 会过去的

There we sat among the thousand, fools just like us, but not so in love like us. 
There we spoke of all our feelings, and dreams were born like that, and we hope for love like that. 
Now your dreams have changed and we are far apart. I dont know when or where to start, leading you from my mind. 

I want to stand with you again. I hope to find you here again. Then the eternal sunshine. 

I'll search for the orange moon that lit up all of the ocean while I held your hand. And now watch all the waves from the stones where we gazed to the golden sun. And if I see the horizon, thosejust  the same as it did when we stood on the hill. I will make the arrangements, just wait on that corner for me. And if you drop me a line, I will sure to make these arrangements. 

Lay your hand upon my shoulder, I'll sing a two or three sweet melodies for thee. 

Softly speak, to say what I need, why do you leave, my heart is at your feet. Well, I like to share three words again, these words with you again if you think its possible. And maybe I can pull you close and whisper in your ear again that I want you in my life forever. 

I will search for the orange moon that lit up all on the ocean while I held your hands. And watch all the waves from the stones where we gaze to the golden sun. And if I see the horizon, those just the same as it did when we stood on the hill. I will make the arrangements, just wait on that corner for me. 

You are like the summer rain that cools me, that soothes me. You are the person that I pray for everyday. Maybe we'll sit on those steps once again, maybe we wont turn out have to pretend, you will be here in my imaginings, faint imaginings.

I will search for the orange moon that lit up all on the ocean while I held your hands. And i'll watch all the waves from the stones where we gaze to the golden sun. And if I see the horizon, those just the same as it did when we stood on the hill. I will make the arrangements, just wait on that corner for me. 

once again my lack of talent in the psychomotor skills department was once again reaffirmed when darell tried to teach me [rather unsuccessfully] a racket sport. but then i remember what angel once told me, that it's really not the case that all sportspeople are naturally talented but really that their drive and passion for the sport gives them the will power to commit and practice a lot harder and much more often.

if there was once thing i wished i could change when i was small, 

i wish i were athletic. 

but of course i have many things that other's don't have [or so i have been told, but never really realised?]

before that darell was lamenting about our status as old left-on-the-shelfs that would soon expire once we graduate [which is in approximately less than a year, really] and then we were all laughing at the pact we made some time ago, when we were talking about our single status; wei had made us agree to her idea of having some kind of speed dating on valentines day next year if we were all still single then.

i really can't help but laugh at the thought of speed dating,

but then again, why not; sometimes it's just about trying things outside of your comfort zone.

and then i don't know how the topic changed [probably because i think i fell asleep on and off lying rather comfortably on darell's new elevated wooden floor. i moved under her desk and lay there for a while afterwards. i dont know why, sleeping under the table is just so assuring.] but we ended up talking about relationships 

and then [half-asleep, i think] i asked them if they felt that it was similarities bring people together or that opposites attract. darell said it was the differences, while wei said the former. then i told them, what social psychology studies have found [that is, based on research and what i learnt, which is empirically based and hopefully not screwed] that it's really similarities, especially for things like views on religion, way of life etc.

and then wei said, that it would be best for both if you could learn something from each other. which is where the opposites attract part.

and then i thought,

but what can you learn from me?

---------------------------------------------------------

i heard this song while i was accompanying amanda shopping, in some store [was it topshop? or river island?] and then it kind of got stuck in my head after that, for the rest of today. 

the lyrics are kind of needy but the rhythm is kinda catchy.

need to listen to more genres of music. 

in retrospect, the past week has generally been a fruitful one, today included. 

it's really too good to be true. sometimes when there are sudden surprises, or when things turn out too unexpectedly well, or smooth-sailing, i wonder to myself whether these things will last, or whether i'm just dreaming, or whether i'm really deserving. mostly i wonder how long they will last.

i never really put my hopes up too high, 

because, from experience,

they never last much longer.

 

this just keeps ringing in my head after miss yap turned the damn big-ass-cool radio on at her aunt's place during afternoon nap times while we were staying at her aunt's empty apartment.

the trip to m'sia was a really good one.

we travelled around, sat around, ate lots of famous hawker fare, but mostly it was the 'between' moments that really kept us going. halfway i felt the onset of lethargy but i managed to keep it up and wake up reasonably early and stay awake really late at night even though i think if i try to do it now it would be really impossible. 

most of the time it was just the five of us in miss yap's old-than-herself-family-car, laughing at some random comment that vijay just made about yeoh yee yee. 

even though we were always travelling together, sometimes when i felt it was as if i had quietly left without anyone knowing; as if i was going on my journey, but it was always that before anyone found out that i strayed, i was already back.

somehow the trip has only made the feeling stronger.

need to go to a place.