i don't know why, but till this time and day i'm still feeling it.

the kind of small, sad disappointment when i feel like i'm being exploited.
i don't know why, really.
is it because i am strong?


loh joon kit laughed when i said 'i am strong, i think i'm quite strong. like physically.'
isn't it true?
i still remember hadrian chin said,
'wenlin, you must join rag ah, if not who will help the guys carry the 5 ply and 2 by 2?'

i don't know, really.
is it because i don't look girly enough? because i'm not hot, pretty, girly; not like other girls who know their limits, who leave the heavy work to guys?
i want to be strong because i don't want to be weak, don't want to depend on others, don't want to be looked down upon, to have to be the weaker sex.





but it makes me sad,
just a little,
when they treat me like this.

maybe i act too much like a man.
yeah, maybe.

that's only because nobody has made me feel like a girl before.
which is why i felt different, that you treated me like a girl, that things were different, that i felt it was kind of okay if i didn't have to try so hard to be so tough.


i think i will miss it.
because i don't think i'll be getting much of this in future.

-----------------------------------------
and no matter how many times wayne says i'm a D now, things are different now,
in my heart, i still struggle, and think to myself,

i'm not cut out for this.